What do I do

[ferry655]

I have agreed with DP to have DSD for his usual contact weekend next month as he is going to be working. Backstory is he has been out of work for a while (self employed) and this job is a Friday- Tuesday staying away and is worth a lot of money to us that we desperately need.

All was fine until yesterday I received an invite to my nephews christening which is the Sunday of the contact weekend. It is a 3 hour drive away from our house and I would have to take my mum as she does not drive as well as my kids, there would be no room in the car for DSD. I have asked my partners mum but she is unable and DSD mum wont swap the weekends to the week before or after.

We really need the money (currently struggling with mortgage payments and bills) but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on this event and my mother would struggle to attend without the lift from me.

What is the best way to handle this!?

Honouring the first commitment you made is the right thing to do here.

Hiring a people carrier for the weekend is a great shout.

If you can’t do that, then don’t go to the christening.

Afraid from my experience hiring a people-carrier tends to cost at least twice as much as a regular car

I'd look at hiring a bigger car and taking them all.

It's a tricky one, but I think as you've committed to looking after DSD then you need to honour that. I don't think your partner is being unreasonable asking you to help out so he could work, as a one off. Equally, I don't think it's the Mums problem. It's just bad timing and one of those things. Could you get the train? Normally you can get group save discounts for a group this size.

Your partner just has to tell his ex that she can't come that weekend and fit in another one

Aaarrggh! Just....why? It is HIS weekend. He needs to find childcare. If he has asked his partner to do it and she has agreed, he has absolutely no right whatsoever to default back to the ex and demand a different weekend. His ex is not convenient childcare anymore than his partner is. Perhaps the ex has plans? Is she supposed to not have a life in case her ex can’t have his child when he says he will?

How much would it cost to hire a childminder for the day? Just leave all four kids with them, take your mum, and enjoy the day!

I would say no to DSD this time. It’s up to your DP now it’s a favour you were doing for him, but it’s not great to miss out on your nephews christening. Your DP will then have to decide whether he can arrange childcare, ask Mum, or not work that day.

It's fine for you not to have DSD this weekend, but it's up to your husband/partner to make alternative arrangements for her. He has a responsibility to her and cannot just pretend it's not his problem when he has a conflict, it is not the child's mums responsibility on a weekend she should be with her dad.

It's fine for you not to have DSD this weekend, but it's up to your husband/partner to make alternative arrangements for her. He has a responsibility to her and cannot just pretend it's not his problem when he has a conflict, it is not the child's mums responsibility on a weekend she should be with her dad

This. You can’t just not have her as you have now had a better offer and its not the ex fault tht your struggling for money either. She may already have plans for the weekend so can’t have her daughter. She doesn’t have to tell you why she can’t have her. It’s your weekend. Your partner needs to come up with a solution.

It's your dp's weekend & he really should be the one sorting this out. If my ex & I can't help each other out then the parent who's weekend it is arranges their own childcare.
His ex can't or won't help him out but that's her prerogative.
As a pp said get a babysitter & go for the day with your mum.
Very unfair that you're being put in this position. I fully understand that your dp needs the work but then it's up to him to find childcare for his dc.

They agreed as a couple that the op would have Dad as it’s important to both of them that her dp can work . I think you have to stick to that arrangement and send apologies for the Christening.

Could your OH bring your mum or one of the kids to stay with family earlier on his way to his job and bring them back when he does?

Is one of your children old enough to get on the train?

Partners ex is insisting I have her

Not your problem. It’s between her and your OH.

I agree that hiring a bigger car or finding childcare are good options. Does one of our children have a good friend he/she could spend the day with? I would have been very happy to do a favour like that for one of my kids' friends.

What MrPebbles said!
How would you feel to be the SC and left out of the event because you're the least important and not really part of the family?
You should still go and take ALL the children. They take priority over mum.
Depends on illness... if she's well enough to sit in a car with you then she could get a taxi?

SD comes first as she was the first accepted commitment. Sleepover for a cpl of your DC so you can go with yr youngest and your mum? Can't someone else take your mum? Your mum pays for people carrier hire - mine would if she wanted to go that much.

I'm assuming as you mention mortgage payments, you and DP live together? In which case I don't think it's unusual for you to care for DSD and wouldn't see it as childcare either. Like PP have said, when you move in with/marry someone who already has children, you take them on!

If you can't find an alternative way to get everyone, including your DSD, to the christening then the right thing to do would be to not go, not refuse to have DSD so that you can go.

Does your Mum have any friends who might be willing to take her and join in with the day?

I have never understood parents who are utterly belligerent about contact weekends. I know a woman who would sooner send her sick child to his dads new girlfriend than let him stay with her, his mum, on “his weekend”. Cannot understand that attitude at all.

@Smeddum is it the op's problem if the bills get paid? Because it looks like the only option here is the dad not working if the op won't have her.

It's not the mums responsibility to cover the dads time, or do you suggest she has no life and sits in wait in case her ex and his partner have better things to do?

You can hire an mpv for around 120 a day including insurance. Do that.

@lunar1 stepmums are forever being told to jump whenever the ex tells them to. What I’m saying is that it’s down to her OH to sort this instead of opting out and leaving it for her to deal with.

There are a number of factors involved. For instance, if OP is not working or limited hours, and some of all of her children are hers from another relationship, and they rely mainly or solely on her OH's salary, then I think it's absolutely normal that she should look after his DC to allow him to work and support the family.

Also, it very much depends on what is going with mum. For instance, it could be that OP's OH doesn't pay maintenance or little, which mean that the Ex has to work long hours to support their daughter, is maybe working these week-ends, or it is the only time she can go and stay with her boyfriend miles away, all reasons that could explain why she isn't agreeing to have her DD to suit her ex/OP.

The ex isn't telling anyone to jump though, she is just not dropping her life because her ex has better plans.

It sounds like the dad is going to have to cancel his work to look after his dd. Which is a shame as it sounds like they need the money.

The ex isn't telling anyone to jump though, she is just not dropping her life because her ex has better plans

And the ex isn’t OP. So why is it her who is getting all the shit? I don’t expect DS1s SM to pick up childcare slack, why would I? She’s not his parent!