What do I do

[ferry655]

I have agreed with DP to have DSD for his usual contact weekend next month as he is going to be working. Backstory is he has been out of work for a while (self employed) and this job is a Friday- Tuesday staying away and is worth a lot of money to us that we desperately need.

All was fine until yesterday I received an invite to my nephews christening which is the Sunday of the contact weekend. It is a 3 hour drive away from our house and I would have to take my mum as she does not drive as well as my kids, there would be no room in the car for DSD. I have asked my partners mum but she is unable and DSD mum wont swap the weekends to the week before or after.

We really need the money (currently struggling with mortgage payments and bills) but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on this event and my mother would struggle to attend without the lift from me.

What is the best way to handle this!?

I would ask your brother if he can come and get your Mum the night before and she can stay with him. Is his child’s christening.

You made a commitment (to your DP) to look after his DD so he could work, and you have to honour that commitment. That’s all there is to it.

Do you really never go out together as a family?
Why not explain to dmum/dbro that as you have all 4 kids for the weekend you cannot collect dmum. So options are they can pay for hire car or they need taxi for dmum to get there

If I was the mum I would have my children. The dad is working and it's not convenient for the stepmum so whether it's his weekend or not I would still have them. That's just me though obviously.

I struggle to believe thst neither you nor your mum knew about the christening before and I agree thst if Iindeed it was somehow arranged at the last minute than your brother should be the one travelling to get your mum.

If I was the mum I would have my children. The dad is working and it's not convenient for the stepmum so whether it's his weekend or not I would still have them.

Some mums use their chidlfree weekends to work. They aren’t all just having a lie in (which is also sacred too!) and can have the children if dad can’t. His work doesn’t trump mums work.

Thanks for everyone's comments. As I stated below I will see whether DSD can arrange a sleepover. If she can't then she will have to stay with her mum for that weekend as I am not prepared to let my mum down I'm afraid and my brother can not help. I have tried my best to please everyone but sometimes you can't and I am putting my mum first on this occasion

Also just to add the event is at the end of May so there is plenty of time for alternative arrangements to be made. Like I said we are willing to pick up extra days but mum declined this although has confirmed that is not because she has plans, I have text her and she said she won't swap because she will have to do 2 weekends in a row

Hopefully your husband will do the right thing and cancel the work.

Ah ok. It’s clear now you don’t take dsd on any family trips now. Because if your car is only big enough for 5 people and you have 4 kids, your DSD but lose out regularly. I think you and your DH should buy a car that accomodates the whole family.

Is there no one who could have your 1 year old for the day? The 1 yo is the only one who won't feel they're missing out

Missing out on what exactly? It's a Christening not a trip to DisneyWorld.
These occasions are more for the adults' enjoyment but funnily enough they like to have their with their children there too. Family
members may be looking forward to seeing the 1 year old and there will be photos taken/memories made. So I don't think leaving the 1 year old behind is a decent suggestion to be honest.

*they like to have their children there too

@DuchyDuke we did have a bigger car. My partner has been out of work for a long time and has resorted to doing agency work as and when they offer it so we can get by. We got rid of the car and bought a cheap small run around as we couldn't even afford to put diesel in it. And no family days out for a long time for anyone. As they cost money we do not have

What a way to make your step daughter feel like no one cares.

It’s your DH bloody weekend!! But don’t worry just dump her off

Bet the stepdaughter really feels loved. Her dad went on to have three more children, money is tight, obviously there is no need to have a car that fits the expendable child in.

KnittinKitten I get that but if I knew my child was going to be in an awkward position then I couldn't just shrug my shoulders and say not my problem whether working or not.

What do you suggest then @lunar1? As there would be uproar if he had stopped maintenance when some months we have actually struggled to put food on our own table and he had still paid the amount privately agreed for years between partner and ex? I hope you never get in a situation like we have been in. we had to sell the only asset we could to put food on our table and keep a roof over our kids heads. But no we should of kept it so sd could fit in the car on day trips we don't go on

She's 14, is there any reason she can't be left at home on her own? I'd have left my DSD at home at that age. And I'd leave my own 14yo too. Make sure there's food, wifi, emergency contact details and go!

If moneys so tight then is your mum paying for the fuel and the christening gift from you to your brother’s child?

@NorbertTheDragon I feel the same. Some of these opinions I just don't understand. Surely sd her self would rather a weekend at home with her friends then coming to a christening where she will not know anyone other than my kids and 3 members of my family. Surely she would rather come on a different occasion and see her dad. I know on occasions she would rather see friends than come to us but mum insists she has to come

Plus she's 14.
op would she not be able to stay at her mum's on her own until her mum gets home if she does have plans/is working? I know if she's working nights that's not a good idea but thought I would ask. Lots of teenagers have the house to themselves while their parents are out.

@DuchyDuke I expect she will pay towards fuel. There will be no gift brother will understand this and that won't be an issue. My mum has long term illness and is on disability payments so she would contribute what she can but will probably be half of fuel money

@feelinggoodinspring again that's exactly what I think. Her mum does not work at all so shouldn't be an issue in theory

I could really understand people's points if your dh was going and you were all going without his dd. But it's not like that at all.

You made an agreement which would allow your husband to work to put food on the table. You have gone back on your word so he will have to find an alternative, which may very well be not working. If food on the table was such a priority you would be honouring your word.

It's not a competition as to who can treat her the worst. You make it sound like her dad letting her down is ok because her mum does it all the time.

It's your brothers responsibility to get his mum to his event, but you would rather absolve him of responsibility than allow your husband to work without additional problems, so food on the table can't be that much of an issue.

Right now your step daughter sounds like nobody's priority. Hopefully your dh will put her first.