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Original poster

What do I do

141 replies

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 18:03

I have agreed with DP to have DSD for his usual contact weekend next month as he is going to be working. Backstory is he has been out of work for a while (self employed) and this job is a Friday- Tuesday staying away and is worth a lot of money to us that we desperately need.

All was fine until yesterday I received an invite to my nephews christening which is the Sunday of the contact weekend. It is a 3 hour drive away from our house and I would have to take my mum as she does not drive as well as my kids, there would be no room in the car for DSD. I have asked my partners mum but she is unable and DSD mum wont swap the weekends to the week before or after.

We really need the money (currently struggling with mortgage payments and bills) but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on this event and my mother would struggle to attend without the lift from me.

What is the best way to handle this!?

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Phillipa12 · 30/04/2018 08:12

Its your dps weekend for contact so it is up to him to source childcare if he is unavailable, mum wont swap, annoying but hey ho, and he has sourced childcare in the form of you op. I get the family christening is important but so is the family unit and that includes dsd, either you juggle lifts to the christening so everyone can go, dsd included or you dont go to the christening. This is in no way mums fault, even if she is awkward about weekend swaps, and i get the it runs both ways and that your dp has clearly helped her out previously, you just know where you stand now moving forward!

Original poster
ferry655 · 30/04/2018 08:30

@swingofthings dsd is the only one old enough for public transport she is 14 my kids are 8, 5 and 1

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Original poster
ferry655 · 30/04/2018 08:32

@claraschu hiring a bigger car isn't an option financially. My kids would be missing out if they were to go with a friend to sleepover and I don't know DSD school friends mums to approach them

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ferry655 · 30/04/2018 08:37

@swingofthings all 3 kids are by my partner and he has kept up with maintenance throughout our struggles. We have done many weekend swaps for ex before. Including like I mentioned 6 weekend in a row.

I think we have decided to say DSD can come Friday to Sunday morning and will be dropped home before we leave as although some people are saying she should come first and before my mum I'm afraid she does not in this situation as my mum is ill and will not be able to travel alone so she is taking priority. I think it's the fairest way I can do it. She still gets to come

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SciFiG33k · 30/04/2018 08:41

What you do is simple. You treat DSD as one of your own kids that weekend as it is your DHs contact time. You either have to leave your mum behind and take all your kids or don't go at all. You could also consider leaving one of your other 3kids with a friend if you don't want to leave your mum.
I feel sorry for your DSD.

It is in no way DSDs mums job to help out its your DHs contact time so his responsibility.

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/04/2018 08:45

I wouldn't take mum a d tell your brother why you can't. You sound like me a few years ago everybody depending on me and being pulled all ways. You need to lay out to your brothers family and friends that you simply cannot take mum as you won't have room for her and can't leave a child home alone. After all it was he that gave you such ridiculous short notice for a family event. Children in your care take precedence over your mum lm afraid.
Dont let anyone guilt you over a grandma missing her DGCs christening etc either. Your brother and his family are equally responsible for getting her there Well more actually as it's their event.

Stepmumsy · 30/04/2018 08:46

For me this is a simple matter. It's not about who should be organising childcare or anyone being awkward. This is a commitment you made to another person when you agreed to look after your stepdaughter for the weekend. Once you've made a commitment to someone you need to stick to it EVEN if something else you'd rather be doing pops up. I understand you don't want to miss out nor do you want your mum to miss out. However, your mum is also not your responsibility on this occasion. If your sibling really wants mum at the christening and she can't travel alone then they need to find any alternative way to get her there not you. You have tried asking ew to swap she can't, that's not her fault when you'd agreed to have sd. You have no alternative but to decline the invitation if you can't get everyone there as your husband must work. This is nobody's fault. It is just one of those very unfortunate bad timings.

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/04/2018 08:47

stupid phone auto typed family and friends. I meant just family but a close family friend of your brothers could pick mum up aswell l suppose.

Mossend · 30/04/2018 08:49

Would you leave one of your DC's and take DSD? I'd imagine not because that would be cruel, so now think how DSD is feeling

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/04/2018 08:50

Stepmumsy massive x post. Grin

Doidontimmm · 30/04/2018 08:51

This makes my blood boil. I have a 14 year old and if my ex decided on HIS contact weekend to dump her back here on the Sunday morning instead of the evening as normal I’d be furious. I have a life & plans. A child is not disposable. You should be ashamed, or rather your DP should,

Original poster
ferry655 · 30/04/2018 08:53

@Mossend I do see that but I think if I can explain she may get it as she is older than my kids

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ferry655 · 30/04/2018 08:55

@Doidontimmm understandable but ex does this to us on a regular basis. We are always flexible as I don't work (neither does she) ex has not been home before on so many occasions when we used to do 6pm Sunday drop off we would call and she would say 'I'm still out sorry' so we then changed it to Monday school drop off but I always do what I can do feel on this occasion I am allowed to put my foot down

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Stepmumsy · 30/04/2018 09:00

Bahhhhhumbug lol. ferry655 I'm trying to be empathetic with you but as Doidontimmm days this attitude really annoys me. If you'd offered to have a friends kids for the weekend as they had no-one else to have them so they could book a city break somewhere then would you be telling them that they had to cancel and lose their money as you were no longer available?

Doidontimmm · 30/04/2018 09:01

Poor child, just because ex does it is no justification. DSD must feel very wanted!

claraschu · 30/04/2018 09:02

I guess that I suggested a sleepover with a friend because at various moments in their lives, one or other of my 3 kids would have preferred a sleepover with a friend to a car ride, church service, and family party...

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/04/2018 09:02

Can you borrow a 7 seater car from someone??

Original poster
ferry655 · 30/04/2018 09:03

The only other thing I can think is to ask her to try and arrange a sleepover with a friend or if she can get me contact details for a school friends mum then I am happy to try and sort something and owe them a sleepover back here

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Stepmumsy · 30/04/2018 09:03

Btw I also understand what it's like as my ex is a bit of a flaky nightmare and likes to change plans last minute as well but if I've agreed to have my daughter on his weekend then something else comes up it is my responsibility to sort an alternative out.

SciFiG33k · 30/04/2018 09:06

Has DSDs mum agreed that coming home sunday morning is OK?

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/04/2018 09:07

I think you are looking at this in the wrong way. I suggest you read 'The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring' You aren't putting your mum first or even your own needs, you are putting yourself last and being 'the chosen one' in the family for everybody. I'd like to bet your brother simply shrugged it off when you told him your lack of car space taking your and his mum to HIS family christening. The person you need put your foot down with is your. brother, or you could just carry on being 'the one' in the family.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 30/04/2018 09:09

At 14 dsd is old enough to be home on her own for a while even if her mum has plans on the Sunday - unless her plans involve a long lie in with a hot date from Saturday, in which case she has every right not to expect dsd home in the morning.

You could borrow a larger car from someone and pay for the insurance for the day (£20 ish for 24 hours) but I think it’s really unfair to make dsd feel that she’s a problem here and that she’s stopping your family from being able to have a nice day out.

She’d probably rather not go to a christening anyway (neither would your other dcs I imagine!) but she should have the option to go. If this job is going to give you enough money to tide you over for a few months then I think you can afford to put some of it into fixing this problem without inconveniencing dsd’s mum or making her feel left out.

Stepmumsy · 30/04/2018 10:02

ferry655 I'm not sure who you are putting your foot down with? You made a commitment to do your husband a favour and look after sd whilst he goes away to earn money for your family. A family that includes a sd. If you can no longer honour this commitment then that is between you and husband and not you and ew. I'm sure you do lots of favours for the ew but that is your choosing and you can't hold her accountable for something you choose to do. However, these favours are also bonuses that you/ your husband get extra time with daughter.

Mummingainteasy · 30/04/2018 10:47

You agreed to have DSD, I think it would be unfair to then change your mind because you had an invite for something 'better'.

Maybe put some pressure on your brother to sort a way for your mum to get there. Could he not come down a few days/the day before and collect her to stay for the weekend??

I feel sorry for your DSD x

anothernamechanged · 30/04/2018 10:47

Is there no one who could have your 1 year old for the day? The 1 yo is the only one who won't feel they're missing out, although I do appreciate that it's a greater ask for someone to have a baby compared with the older children.

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