3 week holiday with DSS - ideas?

[ladybee28]

This summer DP, DSS (it's more a case of 'his son' than 'my stepson' as we're still fairly new, but for the purposes of abbreviations it's easier to refer to him as DSS!) and I are going away for 3 weeks to a few European cities. DP and I have been together 2 years, and DSS is a really lovely, laid back 12 year old.

DP and DSS are a serious 'unit'; constantly attached to one another, DP doing everything for DSS, which is a weird combination for me of really lovely and also a bit 'too much' to be around. I'm sometimes left feeling like a spare tyre – partly because they actually are a bit much sometimes, and partly because of my own insecurities, which I'm trying to work on.

So, I hope understandably, I'm nervous about going away for this long with the two of them. It feels like it's their holiday together, and I've been invited along, so I'm not quite sure how to approach it. It's also my first holiday away with a child - I don't have kids of my own and have never done this before, so I'm not sure entirely what to expect!

I want to make sure this is an enjoyable experience for all of us, so I'm looking for guidance and ideas from the more experienced among you on how to balance spending time with them, but also giving them time on their own (and battling my own internal tussles over DP's attention – these childish feelings show up every now and again that the adult in me really has to wrestle with!).

If I think about focusing on making this a magical 3 week experience for a 12 year old, that feels exciting and gives me ideas on things to do (making a travel journal together, drawing things we see, sticking souvenirs in together, writing the best memory from each day).

But I know that there's only so much of that I can do, and I want to tool up with tips and advice for the moments when it all feels a bit much! What have you experienced / learned? How can I make this amazing for DSS and also a relaxing experience for me? Am I overthinking things?

Thoughts, ideas, advice on any part of this very welcome! :)

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
Look, let’s be clear about one thing: you’re not his mother. So any attempts of: you get up and entertain my son, make him breakfast, go for a walk, look afger him while I...etc, should be curbed immediately. Not because you’re mean, but because it blurrs boundaries. Wait a few years before you start doing this, as part of your relationship with his son, not because he is your DP’s son.

It’s your holiday too. I wouldn’t be confortable sharing a room with my DP and a 12 yo, it’s not appropriate. I might want headspace, or to go to bed early, or to be intimate, how are you going to do this?

The relationship can’t be all on his terms. And yes, his son is his no 1 priority, but it doesn’t mean a total lack of respect for you and your wishes.

Hmm .. you said you've got friends in a couple of the cities. I'd tell Dp that you're also going to do your own thing sometimes, and make some plans of your own. Maybe also say if it gets too much it's not a reflection on your everyday relationship, it's the intense nature of it.

If it wasn't for the same bedroom thing, I'd say it will be fine, but that will be tough!

He sounds like a likeable boy, and it's really nice that DP wants you to come.

Thanks 8FencingWire. "So any attempts of: you get up and entertain my son, make him breakfast, go for a walk, look afger him while I...etc, should be curbed immediately." I appreciate what you're saying, and I agree - and there's none of this going on - DP takes full responsibility for DSS.

And Charley50 - DP will be fine with me going off on my own; he's chilled on that front too.

It's really just me knowing that being with the two of them together is a bit much sometimes - I often feel like a gooseberry intruding on their date and I know 3 weeks being around my DP with his attention firmly on someone else, 12 or 21, is likely to feel a bit much!

He snuggles and is physically affectionate with DSS more than he is with me, so it's probably some non-DSS-related issues that I also need to deal with showing up (not meaning to drip-feed here, just processing as I read all your responses and make sense of things for myself)

Maybe it's me being childish, but I know the feelings will show up so I'm trying to pre-empt them.

And thanks so much for all your responses so far - this has really helped.

@ladybee28 - will you guys actually be sharing a bedroom & bathroom or as it's Airbnb will dss be on a sofa bed in a living room?

@Magda72 Yep, sofa bed in the living room. As it's such a long trip and we're planning to be out and about a lot, we're trying to keep costs down with 1-beds, although it looks like there's a chance of a 2-bed in the last place we'll be.

The only thing will be the very first place, which is a resort with theme parks attached. That'll be a hotel for 3 nights, and DP definitely won't be booking DSS his own room in the hotel.

I might skip that bit entirely and go and stay with a friend in the city...

Do you own thing. I love my OH to bits, we live together, but i’d struggle to do more than a 10 day holiday with him! I need my own space! You’ll be sharing a room and bathroom with 2 men.... good luck 😳😳😳

I'm a mum of two boys & a girl @ladybee28 & I can adamantly say I would NEVER share a bedroom with any of my sds' even the 12 year old.
It sounds to me like your dp is a bit blinded trying to create the perfect family & is massively overstepping boundaries - both yours & his son's.
I think it's very unfair to expect a 12 year old pubescent or even prepubescent boy to share a bedroom with his dad's dp. It will also be awful for you imo as you won't be able to relax. My 12 year old dd used to be mortified by her dad's dp wandering around in her nightie braless. This is not because my dd is prudish but because it was an in your face reminder (unintentional of course) of what her dad & sm 'get up to'. Kids that age just get iffy about this stuff for a while.
I think that sounds very claustrophobic & I would bow out of that part if I were you.
Tbh I do think you need to look at dp & his expectations - to me it just all sounds a bit off.
Sorry - I really don't want to rain on your parade. I'd just be wary.

Honestly I’d try and arrange some alone ‘me’ time each day so you don’t feel too much pressure.

Agree with others this smacks of your DP having an unrealistic and idealised view of you all having golden times together.

I’m a fan of breaking things up too. Go for a shorter time. Suggest to your DP you’d love a bit of alone time with just you both on another occasion. And if your DSS is up for it, do one thing just you and him, away from DP. Sometimes enticing and nice!