Accidentally outed SD’s mum

[CheesusChrist]

I’ve NC for this.
I work part time and have Thurs/Fri off work. The weather was beautiful yesterday so my friend came over, we went for a walk with my dog and stayed for lunch. We sat in the garden chatting and having a nice catch up.
Her husband had an affair which she found out about just after Christmas and she was talking about everything that’s gone on and how she thinks she’ll never be able to trust anyone again, and all the normal hurt feelings someone feels in this situation.

Trying to offer her some comfort I used my DP as an example. His ExW has an affair which he found out about at their youngest DC’s first birthday party as ex’s phone went off with a message and DP picked it up thinking it may be a guest running late. The whole thing blew up and even questions regarding the youngest’s paternity were raised (she’s definitely his, she’s his double).
Anyway I was saying how it took him a long time to move on and 6 years later he met me. I was saying my friend won’t feel so hurt forever and she will have it in her heart to love again.

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home. I had no idea she was in the house as I’d been out walking when she must have let herself in and gone to bed.
SD’s bedroom is at the back of the house and her bedroom window is directly above our patio where my friend and I was sitting.
She heard everything.
I didn’t say anything negative about her mum but I did talk about her affair very anecdotally with my friend.

The first I knew she was in the house was when she came flying through the French doors crying and shouting and calling me a liar. I feel awful, she didn’t know any of this before (why would she, she’s a child).

I cuddled her and apologised that she’d heard that and she calmed down (or so I thought). DP came home earlier than usual and talked to her. Luckily he’s not cross with me because it was a genuine accident but SD quizzed him for hours. He told her the truth. She’s since refused to go back to her mum’s, won’t answer her mum’s phone calls or texts and is saying she hates her.

I feel sick. I caused this, I really didn’t mean to but she heard it.
What do we do now? How can I make this right again?

So sorry that happened.

It brought back a situation when I was twelve. My parents had been separated since I was four and my father lived in another country. But nobody had ever referred to their situation as separated in my presence before. Then the dread word was used and I took to my bed for about a week to assimilate the idea. Totally weird I know, but such are teenage emotions.

So don't beat yourself up too much, OP, or worry too much about dsd. She just needs to assimilate this new knowledge about her life history.

Ahhh well I’ll just leave her to rant, she’s not painting herself in a good light right now

Agree with you.

If only she'd take responsibility for it.

She's going to come off looking very foolish...and I agree that had she courteously informed you SD was coming over, this would have been avoided.

Serves her right.

If only she'd take responsibility for it....Serves her right

Doesn’t serve the DSD right, though, does it? And there is no way of knowing what/when/how mum may have subsequently explained her life decisions to her daughter. This was a particularly cruel way for DSD to find out - gossiped about in broad daylight and the DSD feeling that she’s the last one to know.

I k ow you didn’t mean it, OP, and I think there is a lesson there generally about not knowing who is listening.

I always thought gossip was spreading stories that were untrue or not confirmed to be true. By that definition it wasn't gossip.... HOWEVER I came across another definition which is sharing/revealing personal information about other people.

By that definition it was gossip. You could have been very general about how people get over affairs.

As someone who hasn't had an affair... I can say it's the ExWs fault ... I imagine if I'd had an affair and my child found out this way ... I'd be less than impressed.

Had the Ex had any respect..I reiterate that she should have told you/your DP that SD was coming over.

Imagine if there was a fire or something ... you'd never have known anyone else was in the house.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

We cross posted. I gave it more thought and I do agree with you. It was a cruel way for SD to find out.

It's really best not to share other people's personal information. I realise you didn't do it with malice .... but the infidelity in your DPs previous marriage isn't for you to share with your friends. It's very personal information.

Cheesus how has the rest of the day been?

Personally I wouldn’t make DSD go back to her Mum’s. If her Mum’s texts are that horrible and so dismissive of her DD’s feelings it’ll do more harm than good to send DSD back to be ranted at in person.

Her Dad’s home is her home too and if that’s where she chooses to stay right now, her Mum will just have to deal with it.

Her Mum really needs to take responsibility for her choices and stop blaming DSD’s Dad. She’s setting a crap example to her DD in trying to justify her affair. Even if he ‘wasn’t ever there’ (and I accept you have good cause to think that’s crap!) and was out with the lads at the pub or cycling all the time, having an affair was still a CHOICE she made. She could have talked to him or she could have divorced him - having an affair is NOT a solution to a problem. Teaching your child that you can justify bad behaviour because you’re pissed off really isn’t what you’d call great parenting. She needs to grow up and start acting like an adult and a parent, not a wronged teen. But obviously, that’s out of your remit! Not forcing DSD to go to her mothers, however, isn’t.

Given her DP isn’t bothered about her discussing his history, I don’t see how any of you feel you have the right to tell her she was wrong to do so.

You could have been very general about how people get over affairs.

This is all really helpful for the OP after the event...

But anyway - being 'very general' about how people get over affairs, when trying to genuinely comfort a friend, is (sorry to say) less than useless.

'There, there - you will move on, people do'. I mean, it's just a meaningless platitude.

What the OP was trying to do - clearly without malice, and no idea that she was being overheard - was to give her friend genuine comfort and hope by providing a real life example, that would resonate.

She didn't do anything wrong.

There's only one person responsible for the daughter's upset and that's her own mother.

She CHOSE to have an affair. She CHOSE to break up her family. She's clearly never cared about her children - she couldn't even be bothered about her child when she was ill (recently). At the absolute bare minimum she should've contacted the OP just to check that she'd actually be home when SD arrived. Now she's trying to blame everyone but herself for her bad choices.

She sounds so utterly self centred, it's disgusting.

Sammy901I feel really sorry for the girl l, you may of ruined the relationship she has with her mum forever. I actually don’t think there was any reason she or her sister ever had to know about the affair confused it was 8 years ago so I don’t see any reason why she ever had to find out... why would either adult bring it up ever I don’t know

I feel sorry for the girl too - her mother's bad choices led to the breakdown of the family (though by the sounds of it, she's better off now with her stepmother, than her own mother). If the mother didn't want her DD to know about her affair, there was a simple solution to that - don't have an affair. The OP hasn't done anything wrong here; that's all down to the girl's own mother.

I want to be clear about something here. Literally every man and his dog knew about the affair except the children. We’ve been at dinner parties where DP’s friend’s have openly discussed it, when we first got together almost everyone DP introduced me to in his circle of family and friends made some reference to how his ExW cheated and how they’re happy he had found love again.
I have even met friends of ExW (mutual friends of DP too) who have mentioned what happened in the past.
It wasn’t gossip, it wasn’t a secret except clearly the children were never aware of it. I was in my own home with my friend and thought I was having a private conversation because all of the children should have been at school at that time of day.
I have done nothing wrong in discussing the facts of the breakdown of my DP’s previous marriage because as I’ve said it isn’t a secret.
It was just awful the way DSD found out and I would never have wanted to hurt her.

She seemed a bit happier yesterday afternoon. She spoke to her mum on the phone for a while, I’m not sure what about but she seemed ok afterwards. I think she’s staying with us for the day but she’ll have to go home tonight as she has homework to do which is at her mum’s house

It's really best not to share other people's personal information. I realise you didn't do it with malice .... but the infidelity in your DPs previous marriage isn't for you to share with your friends. It's very personal information

It’s really not though, he has no issue with discussing it.

Have you never used real life examples to provide advice or support to your friends?
It was said in the same way you would say
“My other friend tried online dating too and and she’s been with him for 2 years now so it can have a happy ending”
Or
“The lady down the road was diagnosed with the same 5 years ago and she’s doing really well. Your mum could beat this and be ok”

It wasn’t gossip. I was trying to give my friend a tangible and real experience that turned out positive to try and make her feel positive about her future.

I’m just gutted DSD was there without my knowledge, didn’t know previously about how her parents’ marriage broke down, and that she found out the way she did

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home

Everything else that's happened aside OP, it was a massive assumption that you were home, and your DSD could have been ill and alone in your house?

If I were you're DP I'd be pretty annoyed about this.

It's quite character revealing that you - who have done nothing wrong - feel gutted and worried for your stepdaughter while her mother, who sent her to yours when unwell without telling you, and put her own desire before her child's hppiness and stability is furious with you.

Have you never used real life examples to provide advice or support to your friends?

I wouldn't discuss one person's personal business with another person who actually knows them.

I have done in the past, but unbeknownst to me one friend actually knew the other friend and since that day, I never actually use names. Now I just say a friend of mine had a similar situation.

The example I used wasn't that personal...but it made me realise it's a very small world.

All I said is that my friend Jane's MIL charged to babysit when they had a date night. Little did I know my friend Sally knew Jane too. (Names changed of course)

I totally understand that you were trying to help your friend... and I only had a different view when I was looking for the definition of gossip to support you. Because it annoys me when people say it's gossip.... but the information is factually correct.

It's an unfortunate situation... but had the Ex had enough respect to tell you her DD was coming over...this would have been avoided. It's almost like she was saying SM doesn't work....she'll be home with little regard for you.

Her subsequent behaviour of wanting your DP to accept some responsibility for the affair is just ridiculous and says more about her character. The affair is 100% on her. The attempts to blame him don't wash.

You could have been out for the day...you could have gone on a mini break...but she assumed you'd be home and couldn't be bothered with common courtesy.

Cheesus - you don't have to keep explaining yourself. It was nothing but an unfortunate situation which you and your DP have handled very well.

But, on Mumsnet, there will always be someone more saintly than you.

squeaver has nailed it imo.

Teenagers can be very puritanical; they see things in absolute black and white and don’t see the shades of grey at all. So she will be very angry with her mum. But if they can all talk about it and her dad can say it was all for the best in the end I am sure she will mellow and get back to a good place with her mum. It is very sad that her parents’ breakup has hit her so hard, and that’s probably why this revelation has been such a shock for her.

Hope everything has settled down for you OP