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Step-parenting

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Accidentally outed SD’s mum

144 replies

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 12:21

I’ve NC for this.
I work part time and have Thurs/Fri off work. The weather was beautiful yesterday so my friend came over, we went for a walk with my dog and stayed for lunch. We sat in the garden chatting and having a nice catch up.
Her husband had an affair which she found out about just after Christmas and she was talking about everything that’s gone on and how she thinks she’ll never be able to trust anyone again, and all the normal hurt feelings someone feels in this situation.

Trying to offer her some comfort I used my DP as an example. His ExW has an affair which he found out about at their youngest DC’s first birthday party as ex’s phone went off with a message and DP picked it up thinking it may be a guest running late. The whole thing blew up and even questions regarding the youngest’s paternity were raised (she’s definitely his, she’s his double).
Anyway I was saying how it took him a long time to move on and 6 years later he met me. I was saying my friend won’t feel so hurt forever and she will have it in her heart to love again.

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home. I had no idea she was in the house as I’d been out walking when she must have let herself in and gone to bed.
SD’s bedroom is at the back of the house and her bedroom window is directly above our patio where my friend and I was sitting.
She heard everything.
I didn’t say anything negative about her mum but I did talk about her affair very anecdotally with my friend.

The first I knew she was in the house was when she came flying through the French doors crying and shouting and calling me a liar. I feel awful, she didn’t know any of this before (why would she, she’s a child).

I cuddled her and apologised that she’d heard that and she calmed down (or so I thought). DP came home earlier than usual and talked to her. Luckily he’s not cross with me because it was a genuine accident but SD quizzed him for hours. He told her the truth. She’s since refused to go back to her mum’s, won’t answer her mum’s phone calls or texts and is saying she hates her.

I feel sick. I caused this, I really didn’t mean to but she heard it.
What do we do now? How can I make this right again?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:03

You didn’t do it maliciously. You’ve apologised to her that DSD heard and is upset, and I agree, that’s sufficient for his ex.

In all honesty, DSD has every right to be fucked off with her Mum. Yes, it was years ago now, BUT it’s new news to DSD. Her family was broken apart seemingly because of her Mum’s decision to have an affair.

DSD is 14, not 4. You all need to have some adult conversations with her. She needs the truth from both of her parents and some balanced adult support from you. It might help to explain in more detail why you split up with your ex if you can.

It would probably help if DP and her Mum could talk to her together.

Her Mum had an affair, but there’s a big difference between ‘I’m happily married but fancy the pants off the school run Dad’ and ‘I’m so unhappy, DH never wants to talk about it, I’ve tried so hard and he won’t accept that and talk to me (etc) and falling for someone who does pay you some attention’. Yes, they both wrong, but very different. Your DP might be totally blameless, or he might need to shoulder some of the blame.

Younger DD should be told as well, but she doesn’t need to know about the arguments over who her Dad might have been. Ask DSD1 to keep that from DSD2 until she’s much older. It’s important DSD2 is told now because she needs to know why DSD1 is upset and in time she will resent not being told. You can tell a 9yo age appropriately.

I’m sorry you’re upset, but I actually think it’s a good thing in the long run.

Xenophile · 20/04/2018 13:03

Cheesus FWIW I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You and your DP seem like you have a really lovely relationship with his children and this was an unfortunate mistake. How you all come out of the situation will be a really important lesson for DSD because she will need to understand sooner or later that everyone fucks up, but it's how you move on that really counts.

It seems like your DP has done completely the right thing by all of you, the Ex will calm down soon enough as, I hope will DSD and then you can all rebuild.

Poor DSD though. The mum she adores (and she does, you don't get this cross about people you don't give a shit about) has feet of clay. Tough, but important life lesson.

AgathaF · 20/04/2018 13:04

It's an unfortunate situation for all of you but it sounds like you and your DP are doing your best to limit the hurt and damage. It was entirely innocent on your part. It was probably always going to come out at some point too, assuming that other people know the truth of it.

She'll adjust to the truth, hopefully quite quickly. It's good that you and her dad are there for her.

greenlanes · 20/04/2018 13:07

Personally I do think a proper apology (ie not by text) to Mum would be appropriate. What you are actually apologising for and genuinely feeling is that you have (accidently) upset her daughter and caused an upset in their relationship.

You caused it, you apologise. Not DP.

(my ex had an affair, still is with OW and my DC dont know. He glosses over it and I have been as tactful as I coyld manage under the circumstances).

squeaver · 20/04/2018 13:10

The only additional thing that can be done is for your DP to talk to his daughter with her mother. There's really nothing else that you can do other than continue to support her.

Poor girl, everything's so heightened at that age. And poor you - it's a shitty thing to have happened but you have to forgive yourself.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:14

DP has said they weren’t happy or it wouldn’t have happened anyway so she can’t just blame mum for the family split. He’s so lovely, I know this isn’t true from his perspective

I understand he’s trying to to be kind, but he needs to stop lying to protect her. The more he lies, the less she can trust her own gut instinct. She was 6, they’re small not stupid. Kids are bloody good at knowing who is isn’t happy and who was (before their wife cheated on them).

DSD was is such a state when they split up, she should have been told an age appropriate version of the truth, not simply ‘we aren’t getting on anymore’ that is so damaging to kids.

He needs to be honest with her and whilst saying calling her Mum a bitch isn’t acceptable, she is at liberty to make her own mind up who she respects and who she doesn’t. Like it or not, she’s understandably lost respect for her Mum & her Mum needs to earn that back.

Don’t let DP tell her that she’s not allowed to feel how she feels, it’s not good for her.

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 13:15

Yes I agree they all need to sit down together and talk openly.
I’ll suggest her coming for dinner either tonight or tomorrow and I’ll take my DC’s out somewhere for a couple of hours.
Ffs this is such a mess.

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 20/04/2018 13:16

I feel really sorry for the girl l, you may of ruined the relationship she has with her mum forever. I actually don’t think there was any reason she or her sister ever had to know about the affair Confused it was 8 years ago so I don’t see any reason why she ever had to find out... why would either adult bring it up ever I don’t know

WaxOnFeckOff · 20/04/2018 13:17

I think it's important to explain that there are always two sides to every story and the SD really needs to hear her Mum's side. I'm not excusing the affair etc but in life people are not all black or all white and equally people make mistakes and it's what they do about those that is important. For her own comfort and health, she needs to understand A: if there were any mitigating circumstances and B: what her Mum now thinks about her actions at that time.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 20/04/2018 13:18

Blimey, I can't believe she's never been told why her parents split up. I must be an awful loudmouth 😳

My SS is 28 and has no idea his dm was to blame for his parents split by having an affair Hmm

Don't worry OP, she'll get over it, when she's had a chance to calm down.

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2018 13:18

Bottom line is when people have affairs they think they’re only betraying their spouse but the truth is they’re betraying their kids too. What they’re doing is very likely going to split the family the most painful way possible.

That’s why SD is so upset.

It’s not remotely your fault OP. I find it odd that she was sent over to your house without either mother or daughter telling you she was there.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:21

Sammy.

Cheesus hasn’t ruined the relationship between her DSD & her Mum, her parents have caused this by not being honest with her in the beginning. Her mother didn’t have an affair in a bubble, someone at some stage, would have mentioned it and the older she was, the worse it would have been to find out others knew the truth but she didn’t.

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2018 13:21

My SS is 28 and has no idea his dm was to blame for his parents split by having an affair

I’d be so pissed off if I’d never been told that. It’s like hiding the keys to understanding your own life. And the truth will out eventually. The longer it takes the greater the betrayal.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:22

My SS is 28 and has no idea his dm was to blame for his parents split by having an affair

Yet.

FlippingFoal · 20/04/2018 13:23

Sammy901

I actually don’t think there was any reason she or her sister ever had to know about the affair confused it was 8 years ago so I don’t see any reason why she ever had to find out... why would either adult bring it up ever I don’t know

I actually do believe children deserve to know. DSD has probably spent a long time believing that her father walked out and abandoned her and has felt her and her mum were treated badly. To find out that it was actually her mother who caused the breakdown would turn her world upside down and cause her to feel intense guilt to her father and intense anger to her mother.

At least this is what I felt when I found out it was my mum not my dad who caused the breakup. I wish I had found out off a parent rather than the grapevine.

Fortunately the relationship with my mum was not destroyed - we are now OK and I see her regularly. I don't trust her completely now - your mum is one person who is never supposed to lie to you :l

GlueSticks · 20/04/2018 13:32

I feel really sorry for the girl l, you may of ruined the relationship she has with her mum forever. I actually don’t think there was any reason she or her sister ever had to know about the affair

My parents split up before I even remember and I always knew (in a age appropriate way) that it was due to an affair. I accepted it quite easily as a child and it has just always been part of my family history.

My half-brother found out when he was 20 and was really upset - mostly about being lied to by his parents. He's over it now, but it caused far more pain to try to keep it a secret than to just deal with it.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 20/04/2018 13:32

Secrets are never a good idea. This makes me think of that thread about weird things found after people had died. The amount of people who had found evidence of affairs and other families, siblings etc was really sad. And it was of course too late to talk about it, learn more and work through the feelings.

My mother had affairs. I still don't really know how I feel about it but I know how I feel about all the secrets that run through the family. Secrets in my opinion cause far more damage than the truth.

I think the suggestion of your DSD sitting down with both parents is a good idea. Try not to feel too bad, it wasn't done with any maliciousness.

sashh · 20/04/2018 13:38

Agree with all the talkiung, but at 14 I think pointing out to her that no one is perfect and that she will make mistakes, how does she want her family to react when she does?

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2018 13:39

It is possible that DSD had her DM a bit on a pedestal perhaps even saw her as more sinned against than sinning and has just had that ripped away. It is very hard when someone you have to whatever extent idolised turns out to be much less than perfect than you thought.

Let her grieve for this loss.

Use it as an opportunity to have more grown up conversations about relationships.

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 14:28

I do think it is a form of grief. Her mum has never been on a pedestal, she’s very much a daddy’s girl. Maybe that’s why she’s so angry? Angry for her dad in a way?

OP posts:
eggcellent · 20/04/2018 14:44

I think that you should apologise properly to the ex. It was an accident but you still "outed" her as you put it, so should acknowledge your mistake.

Candlelights · 20/04/2018 15:09

I'm a bit surprised she's got to 14 without having any idea why they split up. I told my young children a very sanitised version of why we were splitting up at the time but now that they're in their teens they have a bit more of an idea and I'm able to be pretty honest with them. I guess I've been able to judge what to say when though, and not told them bad things about their dad until I felt they were old enough to understand without that damaging their relationship with their dad.

My DSC know about their mum's affair because it was with a family friend who they already knew, whom she's still living with. I think they've taken their cue from DH though who makes it clear he bears no ill will to his ex or her DP. I don't think the younger ones have any idea how hurt he was at the time and probably never will. Hopefully your DSD learn to follow her dad's example too once she's over the shock.

I'd get your DH to call his ex and explain what's happened and say you're very sorry.

(On a separate issue, she shouldn't really be sending DSD over to yours during school hours without at least letting you know she's there. Hard to check a possibly-sick child is ok if you don't know they're there)

tygr · 20/04/2018 15:18

I found out my Dad had been having an affair when I was 21. It was a massive shock and took a while to come to terms with it. Cut her some slack. It's a big deal.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/04/2018 15:29

Oh that’s painful. Although I think she has a right to know. I guess an apology from you to SD and DP. Then supporting DP to help SD work through her feelings. It’s quite hard seeing your parent as flawed, it can make a child think she’s flawed too. Be very neutral, give her space, don’t try and fix this it’s not your role.

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2018 15:32

The person who really should be apologising is SD’s mum - she’s the cause of all of this.

Not saying OP shouldn’t apologise I’m sure she has, she clearly feels terrible, but it was 100% an accident.