Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Accidentally outed SD’s mum

144 replies

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 12:21

I’ve NC for this.
I work part time and have Thurs/Fri off work. The weather was beautiful yesterday so my friend came over, we went for a walk with my dog and stayed for lunch. We sat in the garden chatting and having a nice catch up.
Her husband had an affair which she found out about just after Christmas and she was talking about everything that’s gone on and how she thinks she’ll never be able to trust anyone again, and all the normal hurt feelings someone feels in this situation.

Trying to offer her some comfort I used my DP as an example. His ExW has an affair which he found out about at their youngest DC’s first birthday party as ex’s phone went off with a message and DP picked it up thinking it may be a guest running late. The whole thing blew up and even questions regarding the youngest’s paternity were raised (she’s definitely his, she’s his double).
Anyway I was saying how it took him a long time to move on and 6 years later he met me. I was saying my friend won’t feel so hurt forever and she will have it in her heart to love again.

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home. I had no idea she was in the house as I’d been out walking when she must have let herself in and gone to bed.
SD’s bedroom is at the back of the house and her bedroom window is directly above our patio where my friend and I was sitting.
She heard everything.
I didn’t say anything negative about her mum but I did talk about her affair very anecdotally with my friend.

The first I knew she was in the house was when she came flying through the French doors crying and shouting and calling me a liar. I feel awful, she didn’t know any of this before (why would she, she’s a child).

I cuddled her and apologised that she’d heard that and she calmed down (or so I thought). DP came home earlier than usual and talked to her. Luckily he’s not cross with me because it was a genuine accident but SD quizzed him for hours. He told her the truth. She’s since refused to go back to her mum’s, won’t answer her mum’s phone calls or texts and is saying she hates her.

I feel sick. I caused this, I really didn’t mean to but she heard it.
What do we do now? How can I make this right again?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 13:34

Somerville - see Smeddum’s example. Respecting a partner’s decision not to tell their kids doesnt mean never talking about it with another adult.

Personally I feel the truth will always out, that’s why it’s best to give age appropriate versions of the truth - but that’s up to the OP’s DP not her.

Somerville · 21/04/2018 13:34

I dislike secrets, Smeddum and am very honest with my children. But I do respect other people's confidence when they tell me secrets, and I think it is wrong not to. That's all.

OP's husband's first wife was wrong to have an affair, IMO. Both parents were wrong not to tell their children the circumstances of their marriage ending in a gentle and age-appropriate way, IMO. But that doesn't negate the fact that OP knew the children didn't know and told her friend, which was also wrong IMO.

Lots of PP think it's fine to tell friends things that one's step-kids don't know - fair enough. But I don't. Smile

Prettylovely · 21/04/2018 13:35

Well then the mother should have told her daughter, Its her secret after all, She cant blame everyone else for her mistakes.

Robin233 · 21/04/2018 13:36

What's done is done.
But sounds like ew is worried about losing her daughter and trying to justify what's happened. Quite understandable but counter productive to getting DD forgiveness/ acceptance.
Very difficult all round. ThanksThanks

Aridane · 21/04/2018 13:40

actually I do think YABU as you should not be talking about them behind their backs and it has backfired on you at your poor SD's expense. It's a private matter and you had no place sharing it.

I agree - also don’t think you sound particularly sorry, perhaps even a tad smug. Sorry

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 13:41

I disagree completely that the responsibility for this lies with OPs DP. If he had told the children he’d have been painted as the bastard who hurt them to score points and it could have been used against him about contact. In actual fact had it gone to court (I don’t know if it did or not) they would have looked very dimly on him doing that.

The XW should have owned up to her children.

I understand that you have your own standards, as we all do, of what you would and wouldn’t discuss, but you seem doggedly determined to make OP feel like shit for a conversation between adults in private. And that’s not fair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2018 13:57

Whether your husband's ex-wife should have told her daughter about the affair is her concern - it's absolutely none of your business. It was for her/your husband to tell their daughter and the affair was absolutely none of your business to discuss.

I'm surprised that your husband is ok with you gossiping about his own situation, his ex-wife when it's not your information to impart. You sound like a gossip and yes, smug.

You should be feeling badly about it so I'm glad that you are. Maybe think a bit next time and stop talking about other people. I loath gossips.

Aridane · 21/04/2018 13:58

Doggedly?? This is my only post on this thread!!

ScattyCharly · 21/04/2018 14:10

Thing is, you have an affair and it can come and bite you in the bum. Tough shit to your dsd’s mum IMO.
Why should people not face the consequences of their selfish and wrong actions?
I do feel sorry for your DSD though.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 14:13

@Aridane I wasn’t talking to you????

WetPaint4 · 21/04/2018 14:27

To be honest OP, I would not be pleased at all if someone linked to me through no choice of my own was chatting my business to one of her friends and it led to problems within my family, even if it was accidental.

So I think you need to give the ex some time to get her anger out.

CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 14:27

Firstly it wasn’t a secret except obviously to the children. And it wasn’t gossiping, it was anecdotal in support of my friend trying to explain things will get better. As I said before I said nothing mean and I definitely didn’t say anything nasty about their mum.
I simply stated what happened and how DP was able to get over it. In the context of the overall conversation I was being positive and helpful to a very hurt friend.

DP isn’t bothered at all that I was talking about it because he openly discussed it, I would not however talked about it if I’d known DSD was within earshot.

I am remorseful for upsetting DSD but that is it to be honest. I adore that girl and would never want her hurt

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 14:32

I loath gossips

I loath self righteous, sanctimonious bollocks, personally. I also dislike people who take a dilemma as an chance to virtue signal for ego kibbles.

It’s perfectly reasonable for the OP to support her friend by sharing the experience of her DP, with which she is intimately acquainted.

TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 14:32

Xpost - quite.

Generally posters who attack its all about them not the OP - take it with a pinch of salt.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 14:33

OP it’s only a couple of posters being smug and saying they’re better than you virtue signalling.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2018 19:00

Tatiana, I only hear the wanky term 'virtue signalling' on MN and it's only ever said when a poster doesn't agree with you. I couldn't care less what you think and I care even less about presenting a 'good' front for randoms on a chatboard.

If OP is so certain that she did the right thing then why post? For virtual back slaps? The upshot is that her husband's daughter got hurt - and needlessly so.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:02

The upshot is that her husband's daughter got hurt - and needlessly so

If XW had been honest - SD wouldn’t have had a shock.

If XW hadn’t had an affair - SD wouldn’t have been hurt.

If XW had called OP and said SD was going round - OP wouldn’t have had the conversation and SD wouldn’t have been hurt.

So why is OP on the receiving end of the ire? Seems to me like there’s only one woman who could have avoided all this shit, and it’s not OP!

Candlelights · 21/04/2018 19:14

I guess that on seeing how upset her DD was her mum felt remorseful and guilty about her affair. Once your DP had left she started to think through all the reasons that, in her view, the marriage wasn't working anyway, and felt she'd taken too much of the blame - hence the texts.

I'd try not to engage as much as possible. But gently make sure that DSD returns to her mum's as usual at the end of the weekend - she needs to give her mum a chance to start repairing the relationship, and it'll likely inflame and prolong the row if she doesn't return. Your DP could offer to give her a call the next day to see how she is. Other than that, you'll just need to let her work things out in her own time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2018 19:22

Smeddum, well there are plenty of other scenarios in which case it wouldn't have happened too.

I had no intention of piling on the OP - and that's not really possible as a single poster - I just posted my opinion which happens not to accord with everybody else's.

TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 19:25

I only hear the wanky term 'virtue signalling' on MN

In that case you need to get out more. Technically someone could be virtue signaling even if I agreed with them. What could be more wanky than using someone else’s problem to indulge yourself with your opinion on ‘gossip’? It’s all about your own ego.

If you read the OP she’s not asking whether she did the right thing but what to do now.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:37

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it wasn’t just you, there were a few squarely blaming OP and her DP.

And as a PP said, OP posted asking how to help her SD, not for “virtual backslaps”

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 21/04/2018 19:55

Ego kibbles is now my new fave phrase, Tatiana. OP you've done nothing wrong, so don't beat yourself up and it sounds like you and your partner are handling things well in difficult circumstances. Dsd will now need time to process this. Family secrets have a tendancy to turn toxic over time so at least it's in the open now and she will now be able to ask questions as they arise.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/04/2018 20:33

To be fair, who cares what some random poster to this thread thinks about 'gossips'? What's it got to do with anything?

Especially when the OP wasn't gossiping. Gossiping is passing on information that may or may not be true, for no reason other than the enjoyment of passing it along. Most of us dislike gossips.

The OP was sympathising with a hurt friend, and trying to help her feel better.

The same OP that ex-wife sent her sick DD to, to look after.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2018 20:41

Smeddum, I've read the OP differently and you're right. My post wasn't fair. Apologies to you, CheesusChrist.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 20:58

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I’ve done it too, as I’m sure most posters have. At least you’ve apologised which is more than what most do! Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread