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Step-parenting

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Accidentally outed SD’s mum

144 replies

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 12:21

I’ve NC for this.
I work part time and have Thurs/Fri off work. The weather was beautiful yesterday so my friend came over, we went for a walk with my dog and stayed for lunch. We sat in the garden chatting and having a nice catch up.
Her husband had an affair which she found out about just after Christmas and she was talking about everything that’s gone on and how she thinks she’ll never be able to trust anyone again, and all the normal hurt feelings someone feels in this situation.

Trying to offer her some comfort I used my DP as an example. His ExW has an affair which he found out about at their youngest DC’s first birthday party as ex’s phone went off with a message and DP picked it up thinking it may be a guest running late. The whole thing blew up and even questions regarding the youngest’s paternity were raised (she’s definitely his, she’s his double).
Anyway I was saying how it took him a long time to move on and 6 years later he met me. I was saying my friend won’t feel so hurt forever and she will have it in her heart to love again.

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home. I had no idea she was in the house as I’d been out walking when she must have let herself in and gone to bed.
SD’s bedroom is at the back of the house and her bedroom window is directly above our patio where my friend and I was sitting.
She heard everything.
I didn’t say anything negative about her mum but I did talk about her affair very anecdotally with my friend.

The first I knew she was in the house was when she came flying through the French doors crying and shouting and calling me a liar. I feel awful, she didn’t know any of this before (why would she, she’s a child).

I cuddled her and apologised that she’d heard that and she calmed down (or so I thought). DP came home earlier than usual and talked to her. Luckily he’s not cross with me because it was a genuine accident but SD quizzed him for hours. He told her the truth. She’s since refused to go back to her mum’s, won’t answer her mum’s phone calls or texts and is saying she hates her.

I feel sick. I caused this, I really didn’t mean to but she heard it.
What do we do now? How can I make this right again?

OP posts:
CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 16:36

I have apologised for upsetting SD, and apologised to her mum for SD overhearing me. But I don’t feel I owe her mum any further apology. It was accidental and was factual, nothing nasty was said just the truth about what happened all those years ago.
I’m so sorry for causing SD any distress but at the end of the day she’s cross at her mum about her mum’s affair. Her mum and dad need to talk to her about this now.
This is unfortunately the fall out from affairs. I feel awful that she found out from me but it could easily have been from someone else and her mum now needs to acknowledge the hurt from that and talk to her DD.

OP posts:
moodance · 20/04/2018 18:07

Awful situation... but it is what it is.

TERFragetteCity · 20/04/2018 18:12

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home.

Erm, what are you the childminder? Why didn't she actually TELL you this before offering your services in looking after her?

swingofthings · 20/04/2018 18:14

You sound like a lovely SM. At 14, they just start to think of relationships, what it means to them and the idea of anyone cheating is taken in the context of what it would do to them if the person they were dating was to cheat. At that age, it's the end of the world, so they judge harshly those who do, especially if they are people they love and look up to.

Finding out that her mum cheated must have meant her realising that her mum was far from perfect and that's upsetting. What she needs to be told is that even cheating is always wrong, it is rarely a case of black and white. Or maybe her mum might tell her that indeed it was a big mistake and one that she paid for.

She'll get over it, but it might take a bit of time to get over the rush of anger. It's between her mum and her to discuss and sort out.

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 18:14

TERF nope, no one rang or sent a text. I was clueless she was there.
I honestly don’t mind that though to be honest, I’m happy to have her here whenever

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 20/04/2018 18:19

Ahh OP, what a difficult situation - sorry you're caught up in it!

I agree with the PPs that have said about your SDs emotions being about finding out a parent isn't perfect, it's so hard for them at that age. Equally, everything is so black and white to a teenager (and usually where affairs are concerned, mumsnet too) but real life is actually full of shades of grey. I think her mum and dad need to talk to her together, and be brutally honest about reasons (not details though) and that they still love her. It might be worth dad having a chat with her about understanding how hard forgiveness is too.

Userplusnumbers · 20/04/2018 18:20

Ooh, cross post with @swing - I also agree you sound like a lovely person for your SD to have in her life.

Magda72 · 20/04/2018 18:20

@CheesusChrist - you've done nothing wrong - it's just unfortunate that sdd overheard. I'm with those who say the truth would have come out eventually & in all honesty if your sdd & her parents can have a proper conversation about this then she could end up having a more open & honest relationship with her dm.
I have 3 kids aged 21, 16 & 12. My exh left 8 years ago having had an affair with the woman who is now his dp. He's always denied it but I knew it from credit card records & from him slipping up in what he told people - whole thing was confirmed to me a year later by his parents of all people.
Anyhow I chose not to tell the kids & to preserve their idealized view of their dad. It wasn't the best thing to do as I do now worry that as their grandparents get older & more loose tongued that something will be said & will wreak havoc now years after the fact. Allusions have been made have family gatherings on ex's side & my now 21 year old did ask at 18 & I still denied it - don't really know why as he was mature enough to hear it then.
I think age appropriate honesty is the best policy & handled right your sdd will come to terms with this.

MachineBee · 20/04/2018 18:35

This is a rotten situation but not one you should be beating yourself up about. I’m with PPs that DCs should be told the truth and I do feel that your DSD2 should be told now so she understands why everyone’s upset.

My DHs ExW had an affair and is still with OM. I don’t believe their DCs have been told what happened and I suspect that his ExW has rather rewritten history.

I would try to see this now as an opportunity for the family to move on without any of these skeletons in the cupboards. Secrets only cause upset eventually.

fcekinghell · 20/04/2018 18:59

actually I do think YABU as you should not be talking about them behind their backs and it has backfired on you at your poor SD's expense. It's a private matter and you had no place sharing it.

If I were the mother, even if I'd had the affair, I'd be absolutely furious and if my DD refused to come home, assuming I was the primary carer, then I'd send the police to your door.

MinaPaws · 20/04/2018 19:03

She's allowed to be furious. Her mother tore her family up because she put herself before her kids. Let SD be angry for as long as she needs. She'll calm down in the end and realise her relationship with her mum is worth having.

MinaPaws · 20/04/2018 19:04

Fcekinghell I don't agree. If Op had known her DSD was around, then of course. but she was comfortinga friend, using her own DP's example to prove it's possible to move on and be happy. That's part of her shared history with her DP.

TERFragetteCity · 20/04/2018 19:07

I honestly don’t mind that though to be honest, I’m happy to have her here whenever
It is not a case of being happy about it, it is a case of being no respect of your time or space. As you discovered, having someone in your house that you are unaware of, can have implications.

Candlelights · 20/04/2018 19:14

I do think you should ask her to at least let you know if she's sending DSD round to yours because she's unwell. Even at 14 someone should be checking on an ill child from time to time, just in case it's something serious. You can't do that if you don't know she's there. It's lovely that she's confidence in your positive attitude to know that it'll always be ok with you, but it's still important for DSD's wellbeing for you to know when you're looking after her. It's also a good habit to be in with teens as they get older to make sure the other parent always knows directly when they're in charge. We've had teens try to slip between the cracks to spend the night at a party at know nothing about or a BF's by both parents thinking they were with the other.

But probably a conversation to have at a different time.

OliviaBenson · 20/04/2018 19:29

And what you exactly do you think the police would do feck? Nothing the op has done is a crime?

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 19:36

then I'd send the police to your door.

lolwut

Avasarala · 20/04/2018 19:48

@fcekinghell

The child hasn't been kidnapped. It's a civil matter. The police wouldn't even offer advice over the phone. It's nothing to do with them.

If one parent refuses to return a child, your only option is civil action in court.

But they aren't refusing to return her. She doesn't want to go. The girl needs time to calm down and reconcile her feelings before being forced home.

Sammy901 · 20/04/2018 19:56

FlippingFoal - that’s fine, I disagree with you.

Minapaw - how is part of her shared history with DP ? She wasn’t even with him! She’s met him 6 years later, it has nothing to do with the OP and to be honest I don’t think she should be sat in the back garden having a gossip with her friend about it! If she would of kept her mouth shut her step daughter wouldn’t be in a mess right now.

And no I don’t condone affairs, never had one, never been the OW but I still do not think children need to have there relationship ruined with there parents by knowing the ins and outs of why they split up.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/04/2018 20:09

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home

I know this isn't the point of the thread.

But it didn't occur to SD's Mum to actually check you were there? That the house would be unlocked, and there would be someone even there to keep an eye on her?

I know you've said you didn't get a text from her. But I find this incredible.

Then again, I don't have teenagers - maybe 14YOs don't need access to a house/bed, and adult supervision when they're unwell. Confused

Getting more than a little insight into why she 'doesn't put her Mum on a pedestal' and is a 'daddy's girl'.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/04/2018 20:11

If I were the mother, even if I'd had the affair, I'd be absolutely furious and if my DD refused to come home, assuming I was the primary carer, then I'd send the police to your door.

fcekinghell - presumably you'd have also contacted the OP to make sure she was home, and that it was OK for your daughter to go over there, sick, in the first place.

In which case, none of this would even have happened.

Perfectly1mperfect · 20/04/2018 20:23

It's a shame she has found out in the way that she did. It must have been a shock for her. However, you didn't do it on purpose and you have done all the right things since by apologising, speaking to her about it and speaking positively about her mum. I think the only thing that will help is time. At 14 things can be very back and white which means they can be quite unforgiving.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2018 22:44

It's unfortunate, but there are consequences to having affairs and your kids finding out is one of them.

Anyone who has an affair should be prepared for this to happen. It's best you fess up yourself if your DC ask.

CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 07:47

A a quick update for everyone that’s been kind enough to care about this situation.
DP and both SDs went over to mum’s last night to talk about things. They were there for a few hours, from about 6 until 9.
When DP came back he had eldest SD with him still.
They’d all had a frank discussion about it and DP said it resulted in a heartfelt apology from ExW which he says is the first time she has ever apologised for what happened all those years ago. DP said he felt quite emotional about it all and he genuinely forgives her now and told her that, so if nothing else then this whole episode has brought him closure.
SD isn’t quite ready to let it all go yet and wants to spend the weekend with us, but I think it’s more for some quiet thinking space rather than being angry.
I’m so proud of DP, his girls tonight witnessed their parents talk about a horrific time in their lives in a calm and grown up way, and saw them hug and forgive each other. If that’s not top class parenting I don’t know what is!
Youngest SD apparently didn’t care about any of it and actually wandered off during the discussion to watch tv so no damage done there.

Not sure on ExW’s feelings towards me but DP doesn’t seem to think there’s any issues. I hope he’s right

OP posts:
MachineBee · 21/04/2018 08:24

I’m so glad this has been handled well by all concerned. As you say OP, top class parenting.

erazerhead · 21/04/2018 09:31

Ah that sounds good. Remember even though it was years ago, to SD only finding out about it now it will feel like it's just happened so she's reacting as if in real time. It'll take time to process it all just as it would have at the time. And sounds like it's for the best in the long run that it's out in the open.