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Step-parenting

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Accidentally outed SD’s mum

144 replies

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 12:21

I’ve NC for this.
I work part time and have Thurs/Fri off work. The weather was beautiful yesterday so my friend came over, we went for a walk with my dog and stayed for lunch. We sat in the garden chatting and having a nice catch up.
Her husband had an affair which she found out about just after Christmas and she was talking about everything that’s gone on and how she thinks she’ll never be able to trust anyone again, and all the normal hurt feelings someone feels in this situation.

Trying to offer her some comfort I used my DP as an example. His ExW has an affair which he found out about at their youngest DC’s first birthday party as ex’s phone went off with a message and DP picked it up thinking it may be a guest running late. The whole thing blew up and even questions regarding the youngest’s paternity were raised (she’s definitely his, she’s his double).
Anyway I was saying how it took him a long time to move on and 6 years later he met me. I was saying my friend won’t feel so hurt forever and she will have it in her heart to love again.

Unbeknownst to me eldest SD had felt unwell at school, rang her mum who was at work and was told to come over to our house as she knew I would likely be at home. I had no idea she was in the house as I’d been out walking when she must have let herself in and gone to bed.
SD’s bedroom is at the back of the house and her bedroom window is directly above our patio where my friend and I was sitting.
She heard everything.
I didn’t say anything negative about her mum but I did talk about her affair very anecdotally with my friend.

The first I knew she was in the house was when she came flying through the French doors crying and shouting and calling me a liar. I feel awful, she didn’t know any of this before (why would she, she’s a child).

I cuddled her and apologised that she’d heard that and she calmed down (or so I thought). DP came home earlier than usual and talked to her. Luckily he’s not cross with me because it was a genuine accident but SD quizzed him for hours. He told her the truth. She’s since refused to go back to her mum’s, won’t answer her mum’s phone calls or texts and is saying she hates her.

I feel sick. I caused this, I really didn’t mean to but she heard it.
What do we do now? How can I make this right again?

OP posts:
CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 09:48

I spoke too soon. Long abusive text from ExW this morning Hmm

OP posts:
DarkPeakScouter · 21/04/2018 09:57

I guess she’s not resonating with joy then! I suppose she’s looking to blame someone that isn’t her and you’re it.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 09:58

OP you didn’t know she was there, you would never have discussed it if you knew she could hear, you weren’t nasty or horrible about her mum and from the sounds of it you and your DP handled it perfectly. She’s a confused, angry and upset wee girl and she needed to know that she would be heard and her feelings considered.

The abusive text is the XW venting because she knows this is down to her and isn’t happy.

OakIsBetterTho · 21/04/2018 10:22

Oh what a shame the DM is being a twat, up until now everyone seems to have handled things bloody well, and your DP sounds like a wonderful man. I wish I'd had parents like you and your DP around when I was a kid, mine weren't quite so reasonable and understanding.

TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 11:00

Well it’s a lot easier to blame you than to take responsibility for her actions.

is not a case of being happy about it, it is a case of being no respect of your time or space. As you discovered, having someone in your house that you are unaware of, can have implications

I’m glad someone else thinks this is odd. Whole incident would never have happened if DM had notified OP that SD was going round.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 21/04/2018 11:06

Oh that’s a shame, after last night 🙁

What was the basis of her text? What has DH said?

pigmcpigface · 21/04/2018 12:04

I'm guessing the ex-wife possibly suspects that OP did this deliberately, to sabotage her relationship with her daughter and has reacted accordingly. However unjust that is, there was always going to need to be a period of adjustment after this. Don't reply, don't engage, focus on repairing relationships as much as possible afte rthis.

CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 12:46

No actually her anger is directed at DP! She’s been ranting all morning about how he should have taken responsibility for why she had an affair, because DP was never there. Well he had to leave for work at 5.30am and didn’t get home until 7pm, but other than that he was there. He didn’t have any hobbies or really socialise without his family and I believe him because he is so family orientated even now.
He’s shocked, it’s like she’s still not taking any responsibility for what she did. She’s also sent some questionable texts to DSD saying she needs to get over it and come home right now etc. She’s not acknowledging her pain at all

OP posts:
MachineBee · 21/04/2018 12:48

That’s such a shame. Have you shown your DP the text? He needs to support you here and stop this escalating or you’ll be the wicked SM in the blink of an eye. As PPs have said, if ExW had let you know her DD was coming back from school feeling unwell you’d not have said anything. You have a right to privacy, freedom and respect in your own home just as much as everyone else.

CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 12:48

Oh and obviously I am evil and shouldn’t have been gossiping. She always “knew I was trouble”.
Ahhh well I’ll just leave her to rant, she’s not painting herself in a good light right now

OP posts:
CheesusChrist · 21/04/2018 12:48

Machine the texts were sent to DP and DSD

OP posts:
SelkieUnderLand · 21/04/2018 12:54

I think the daughter is just shocked. I've a daughter this age and she is made of sterner stuff. She knows her father isn't a good man (violence, abuse (verbal and financial), controlling and threatening, all directed at ME) but she knows that he tries in so far as he's capable to be a father. I think not bending over backwards to protect her by painting a fantasy picture of a wonderful man has helped her be matter of fact about it. She's loyal to me but not horrible to his new wife (although she feels sorry for her and happy for me that I got away).

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 12:57

She’s completely minimising everything. Sending nasty texts to her own daughter is awful. And to your DP! How is it his fault she had an affair?

Prettylovely · 21/04/2018 12:58

You have done nothing wrong, your Dsd will get over it in time, It does sound though like her mother is going to make it worse for herself with the text messages.

Somerville · 21/04/2018 13:09

Why on earth did you tell your friend something that was a secret? When children and teens aren't being told something by their parents, the wider family should not be discussing it with friends.

All this fall-out is going to reopen old wounds and be harmful for those children. I think you should be giving a heartfelt apology for talking about it at all, frankly, to your husband and his first wife and your DSD. And learn a lesson from it. Family secrets are inadvisable, but when it's not your secret to tell, don't!

TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 13:14

That’s not very realistic Somerville.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 13:20

@Somerville I often (in the context of empathising with a friend who has been through similar) discuss the horrific abuse XH put me through. In detail, not when DS1 is around. I would never and will never discuss it in front of him. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Prettylovely · 21/04/2018 13:20

Secrets usually come out in the end somerville, I dont think the op has any lessons to learn at all, She isnt the one who cheated, If the ew hadnt cheated there would be no secret to keep.

Somerville · 21/04/2018 13:21

What's not realistic? Respecting what parents have decided to tell children about their own lives?

I personally consider big family secrets to be inadvisable, and am honest with my kids. But other members of my family have things they refuse to talk to theirs about, and I would never talk about them. Not to friends, not even on here anonymously - they're not my secrets to tell. The only place I'd discuss them is in (confidential) counselling.

And if I really felt that one of those family-secret experiences would help one of my friends, I would anonymise the anecdote I was sharing, and not say who that thing had happened to. It's easy enough to do.

Prettylovely · 21/04/2018 13:24

She did respect it, The child found out by accident. Secrets generally always get found out. Especially affairs.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 13:26

@Somerville you don’t seem to understand that OP isn’t at fault here?

Firstly, she had a private conversation with a trusted friend in her own home. Nobody had told her her SD was in the house and could overhear, and since it was during a school day she would have had no reason to anonymise anything (which is odd).

Secondly, the XW is in the wrong all over this. She cheated, lied about it, minimised it, and is now throwing abuse at OPs DP and her own DD because she refuses to grow the fuck up and accept responsibility for her own shitty behaviour.

Why are you so insistent OP was wrong? I’ve never met anyone who anonymises private conversations with trusted friends. That is not the usual way to do thing ime.

seventh · 21/04/2018 13:27

SD knows now. And at 14 i think she'll get used to the idea that adults make mistakes. I'd get SD to see the GP who can organise some talking therapy to help SD see her way through this new information

Somerville · 21/04/2018 13:29

Secrets usually come out in the end

I agree. I tell my family member with family secrets that. So if I'd been dating someone who had kept such an emotionally-charged secret from his kids then I'd advise him to tell them, gently, and if he refused I think I wouldn't marry him - I don't think it's great parenting, and I'd be wary of all the drama when it eventually came out. But what I certainly wouldn't do is choose to marry him and then discuss the big family secret with other people; for risk of being overheard or the friend going on to tell people or whatever.

People on MN are angry when their children overhear other adults saying Santa doesn't exist; how much more hurtful to overhear a family secret regarding not just affair but suspicions of paternity of a sibling. Confused

MachineBee · 21/04/2018 13:30

Sorry crossposted. At 14 your DSD is not a small child any more. She’ll be capable of working things out given time and consistency.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 13:32

So if I'd been dating someone who had kept such an emotionally-charged secret from his kids then I'd advise him to tell them, gently, and if he refused I think I wouldn't marry him - I don't think it's great parenting

They’re not dating, they live together.

Why are you putting the blame for the affair and not telling the children on to OPs DP?

Fact is, the XW is the one in the wrong. You just seem utterly determined not to accept this. Are you the XW?