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Original poster

Holiday

127 replies

Stepmumsy · 19/04/2018 09:44

I'm looking for some clarity and stumbled upon this forum. I have a daughter (5) my husband has 3 girls (9,9,12). At the beginning my relationship with his girls was good but over the last few years it has really deteriorated and has now reached the point that they barely look at me. They really dislike my little girl lately that has become more apparent over the last 6-12 months and will actively huddle together to alienate her. I've tried lots of different tactics with them but to little avail. I guess I'm adult enough to handle or perhaps try to understand why they might be rude towards me but when they are mean towards my daughter that hurts like hell. I should be the one protecting my girl yet I've introduced her into this situation.

My husband told me he wants us to go on holiday as he really wants to take his girls away. When I suggested that I didn't think it a good idea for us all to go away together as it'd be quite stressful and unlikely enjoyable given the atmosphere at the moment he seemed put out. I told him that he should absolutely take them away. He thinks it is a slippery slope to take separate holidays. He told me he'd feel upset if I went on holiday with my daughter without them.

The current situation with the girls is putting some strain on our relationship so my rationale for not going is one to protect our marriage instead of putting us in a vulnerable position that has potential to come between us.

The girls are quite tricky and I've been told this by friends and family. Quite sadly I wad told by brown owl last week that she considers 1 of them to be a real bully.

I'm not sure what I'm really looking for by posting here but if one of you could wave a magic wand that'd be awesome!!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 20/04/2018 17:32

great suggestions theredjellybean

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 20/04/2018 17:43

If we ever try to join them they complain and get up and leave. I'm not bothered by the tv thing it suits us all as we all like watching different things it was a small example. They were asked about the theatre before i told my daughter so we very much made it a 'this is on would you like to go' and said they didn't want to go as dad was at work and not going. We go on days out but the end result lately is always moodiness that we are there with a 3v1 split. Good suggestion re the divide thing though. I'll try anything!

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Original poster
Stepmumsy · 27/04/2018 14:42

Okay, so I've got an update. We talked some more and he understands why it wouldn't be a good idea for us to holiday together. He has now booked a holiday for him and the 3 girls to go to Spain. I lost my mum earlier in the year (only 60, really sudden and still in shock but that's a whole other thread) and she had been saving for a trip to Florida with her brother/ sister and their families (20 all in all) and had wanted to take my daughter. This is a holiday I would never be able to afford but the family have offered to fund myself and daughter to go with them as it is what mum had wanted. It is on my husbands list of places to take the kids but it'll need a lottery win first! Would you go? I told him I'd like to as otherwise I will not be having a holiday this year and he is very upset.

OP posts:
TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 14:46

He's upset? is he always a selfish git?

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 27/04/2018 14:53

@tawnyport so you don't think I'm in the wrong for considering going? It is on his list of places that he really wants to take the kids and somewhere he has spoken of us all going together it is just our finances have never stretched to it. I can understand he would be disappointed but I feel like the bad guy for considering taking my little one without him and the girls.

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Magda72 · 27/04/2018 14:55

Oh my God @Stepmumsy - you've lost your dm & are being offered a chance to go away with her family & HE'S upset!!!!
I'm sorry but that is sooo selfish of him - you poor thing.
Accept the holiday & go with your dd & have a ball.

I'd really be concerned about a dp who cannot see that you've suffered a huge loss.

CheesusChrist · 27/04/2018 14:59

He is being totally unreasonable. Take your DD to Florida with your family, let DP enjoy his holiday with his kids.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 15:01

@tawnyport so you don't think I'm in the wrong for considering going? It is on his list of places that he really wants to take the kids and somewhere he has spoken of us all going together it is just our finances have never stretched to it

Of course I don't, who would? He is basically saying "If I can't go I don't want you to go either" like a giant whiny toddler of a man. Fuck that for a lark.

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 27/04/2018 15:03

@magda72. Your post has me sobbing. I just feel like I'm floundering around at life at the moment. Things are shit at home and the one person I could always rely on isn't here anymore. I'm often left feeling as though I'm completely in the wrong. Even just one person telling me I'm not entirely at fault is comforting.

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Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 15:05

I hope you do go on holiday with your dd and family, your dh doesn't get to decide what you are doing with your own dc while he is having a holiday with his dc!! Your dm would likely be proud you are thinking about yourself and your dd - as your dh certainly is not.

noenergy · 27/04/2018 15:19

Go and enjoy your holiday with with DD, he is being selfish and has already got a holiday booked. If you ever did the chance to go with him and his DDs I think they would just spoil it for your DD, at least now she will have other family members to have fun with.

MycatsaPirate · 27/04/2018 15:24

Go away with your DD to Florida.

Maybe point out to your DH that if he had actively supported you in making sure his DD's had been a bit more accepting of your DD that you would have booked to go to Spain with them and this situation wouldn't be happening.

His DC sound horrible. I don't care about the age gap, kids can still be nice to each other even if they don't want to spend huge amounts of time doing things together.

My DSD's were 16 and 8 and my DD's were 13 and 6 when me and DP got together. The 16 year old was and still is, absolutely fabulous with my youngest DD (who has now been diagnosed with autism). She spent so much time with her and even now will ring her to have a chat.

With four DD's ranging from 6 to 16, we struggled to find things for all of them to enjoy but we did, we worked hard to make sure no one was left out and although things aren't great between dp and his youngest right now, things have gradually worked out ok between the other three.

One thing we never tolerated was anyone being left out. I would go and find things for them all to do on rainy days (such as buying masks they could paint or a DVD they could all enjoy) and on good days we went swimming or to the beach or just out for a walk and a cream tea.

If your DH can't see that this continual leaving out of your DD will eventually lead to huge resentment on your part as well as your own DD then he's an idiot.

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 27/04/2018 15:26

We were chatting about holidays with friends and I said I'd be upset if he went to Vegas without me and he is saying that this is the same thing. I see that so feel like I'm being selfish by considering going to Florida without him. I guess I'm seeing this differently though with what has happened with mum.

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Magda72 · 27/04/2018 15:44

So sorry if I upset you @Stepmumsy - it's just that your situation resonates with me as I lost my own dm a few years back & it's so tough.
For what it's worth I don't think it's the same as Vegas at all in that he agrees that you all holidaying together is not a good idea but also expects you to give up the chance of a lovely holiday with extended family (after a huge personal loss) so you & your dd can sit at home while he goes to Spain with his dds.
It just seems like his priorities are really skewed.

WhiteCat1704 · 27/04/2018 17:18

OP..he sounds vey very selfish..Please don't deprive your DD(and yourself) of this opportunity for someone who doesn't respect you enough to understant why you need it!

Also he already booked something for his dds!!!!

Dobbyy · 27/04/2018 18:15

I would go on the holiday with your daughter. What an amazing opportunity and it shouldn’t be missed.

Your OH is an adult and shouldn’t be so selfish, he should be able to see what a nice thing this is and what a great time your daughter will have.

And he had already booked a holiday with his 3 kids, so how is it fair that your daughter isn’t getting a holiday ? Didn’t take him long to book a holiday for his kids did it..

Please go and have an amazing time with your daughter. If my daughter was given the chance to go to Florida and I couldn’t go but she could only go with her dad I wouldn’t stop her at all! I’d be happy for her.

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 27/04/2018 19:17

Thanks ladies for making me feel less like an awful human being. I still feel a bit guilty for getting to go somewhere fancy knowing he has always wanted to go. It is very bittersweet though as mum should be there. By going I feel like I'm betraying my husband and by not going I feel like I'm betraying my mum. My head is all over the place.

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Dobbyy · 27/04/2018 19:58

There’s lots of places I would love to go but if my daughter got offered to go and I couldn’t go I wouldn’t stop her.
The same as my step daughter, if she was offered a trip with her dad (my dh) then yes I’d be abit bummed but that’s it! I’d wish them a good time! And to remember to bring me back a nice pack of sweets from America!

Go! For your mum, for your daughter and for you!

GeorgeTheHippo · 27/04/2018 20:07

But hang on - he gets to go to Spain. Where does he think you can go, or are you not supposed to go anywhere?

lunar1 · 27/04/2018 20:12

Do not let him guilt you out of this holiday.

Magda72 · 27/04/2018 23:15

Do NOT feel guilty!

Not for one minute!

As pp have said go for your mum & your dd & most importantly for yourself.
YOU deserve the break & if he can't see that he's a giant ass! (Sorry)

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 28/04/2018 00:15

Thanks Magda. I'm quite envious you sound very confident. You've given me a bit of courage that my decision is okay

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MintyT · 28/04/2018 06:15

I've been dipping in and out of this thread, and I'm waiting for your post to say your going on holiday with your mums family. Please do. Your husband needs to consider you and your daughters needs more. Maybe these separate holidays will be the wake up call for him. Hopefully you will have a lovely time and come back rested and stronger to re think the situation. Please go on the holiday it's the right thing to do for everyone.

TheLastNigel · 28/04/2018 08:11

You can't not go on a holiday (a cathartic and free holiday with your Mums family at that) just because it's to somewhere your OH has always wanted to go. In his situation I might be a bit envious but I would want you to go, particularly as you have had a hard time lately and are still grieving for your Mum.

He is going to Spain anyway...it's not like he isn't getting a holiday.

With re the girls-it's so tricky. But going on holiday all together would be enjoyable for no one. It's hard to get kids that age to interact sometimes, and the more so when you chuck what sounds like tricky personalities (theirs), their inate loyalty to their Mum (that they may not even realise they have), and another smaller child (that they may or may not be envious of in some way) into the mix. My suggestion would be to remain polite to them, do what needs doing for them (but don't go over and above), show them you will always be there for them if they need you, but stop doing much more running than that. Trying to force anything more is unlikely to work and you will end up building resentment on both sides.
As they get older they will start to do their own thing more and it will become less of an issue anyway-and eventually they will either grow up and stop behaving the way they are (or they will carry on but you won't have to see them as much).
Take care of yourself and your daughter here.

Original poster
Stepmumsy · 28/04/2018 08:41

So I didn't sleep much last night. I guess I feel my life is falling down around me. We had a big chat last night. We have an underlying communication problem and he wants us to go for counselling. I'm happy to go although I'm not feeling in the right head space for much right now and this all just feels a bit shit timing.
Re the holiday he isn't happy at all but says he can understand all the points I'm making but it doesn't mean it changes his feelings. His feelings are his feelings and just because they don't align with mine doesn't mean he is selfish etc.
I was thinking about this lots through the night and I've got myself in a tizz because the more I think about it the more I think he is being selfish and it's making me a bit angry. He went ahead and booked the holiday for him and the kids after telling me when etc. At no point did he ask what my plans with my daughter would be etc, to ensure we'd be okay. I cannot afford to take my daughter away and will not get into debt for luxuries. So without this generous offer from my fab family I'd not be going anywhere. This was all about what he wanted to do with his kids and by hook or by crook he was making that happen. He still insists given the option he wouldn't be going alone with them as he'd rather we holiday together but says he's trying to make the most of the situation. I encouraged him to do so but am now dwelling on he never asked me what I was going to do and is now unhappy with the only option I have.
Sorry for the rant feeling tired and emotional. I realised as well I'm only on here cos I've not got my mum to rant to!!

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