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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Overindulged 21 yr old stepson ruining relationship

76 replies

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 14:45

Hi all, this is my first post and I'm literally going insane. My OH and I have been together 7 years. I have 2 children one is now 14 the other 13 and he has a now 21yr old son. We are having major issues at present and are seriously considering splitting (which I don't want to do). Our problem is that my stepson is constantly wanting money, he does currently work as an apprentice so doesn't earn much but my OH has been giving up to and exceeding £250 a month to him whilst our home is falling apart. I found out a few months ago that my SS had an overdraft and was being severely stung in charges by his bank, he and his dad were trying to get one of those 100% Apr loans, when I found out I borrowed my SS the money so that he wouldnt incur interest or late/non-payment fees, up to yet he has been pretty consistent with paying it back. The last straw came a few days ago when my SS transferred £50 to me for the loan but then text his dad an hour later asking for yet more money (which we don't get back). I then suggested that we give him back the £50 and start afresh next month as then we wouldn't be just giving him money hand over fist and he would still be paying it back. My OH went totally nuts saying that if he can help his son he will and it's none of my business, he says that he can afford to keep giving his son money and he will continue to do so. I'm just so upset by his reactions and feel like I'm of no value to him and my opinion doesn't matter. Am I wrong to want to try to instil some financial responsibility? Is it even anything to do with me? Thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

littletykeboy · 27/03/2018 15:18

I have absolutely no idea, but bumping for you

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:20

Well, he has a point. If he wants to give his son money he can, can't he?It's not really up to you to instil financial responsbility in an adult who is unrelated to you.
If you have an issue with your partner and the way he is using his money, that is your issue to focus on.

laura1306 · 27/03/2018 15:44

Maybe this is something that you need to discuss with both of them not just your partner. It's difficult because it is his son but if the income is joint or your name is is coming into bad credit because of the spending habits in the household then you do need to address it. Maybe write up a budget plan. Income and outgoings and show him the numbers and that it isn't affordable or let your husband take on more of a financial role so he can see for himself that it isn't going to work if he keeps throwing money at his son.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 15:49

I understand that it's my OH choice to do as he wishes but I believe he is just teaching the wrong lesson constantly handing over money. My SS had a chance of a great job (found for him by a senior staff member with a long established relationship with the employer) he didn't go to the interview, when I queried why not he replied that interviews just aren't his thing. He won't do overtime at his current job although he has the option to as he doesn't like his co-workers, it's just starting to feel as though he doesn't want to make any effort because he doesn't have to.

OP posts:

Aprilmightmemynewname · 27/03/2018 15:54

Your dh is doing a grand job of raising a man child. No dil /sil will thank him for this. Tell dh as long as he is maintaining his home as a priority he can fund Ss. If your home/ life is suffering of course you can speak out.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/03/2018 16:12

Separate you money from any joint account.

Only pay 50% of your household/joint bills and you H can do the same and then he can give any spare money to his son, and when he complains to you that he has no money then that's his problem.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 16:19

We don't (thank god) have a joint account we each pay our share of the bills from our own accounts. When I said earlier that my OH says he can afford it- he can't, he gets paid weekly and thinks that his £300 overdraft is 'his' money, so every week he is well into his overdraft which then incurs costs but continues to hand out money. I feel like I just need to give up.

OP posts:

pineapple95 · 27/03/2018 16:20

Split up. This guy will always favour his son over you and your children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 16:26

If the lack of money left at the end of the month is negatively impacting on your shared household, including the house itself if it needs improvements which you now can't afford, then it's absolutely to do with you.

DH and I don't always agree but if I raised an objection to something like this, I'd be less than impressed if he "went nuts" and he wouldn't do it again. What a ridiculous reaction to you not wanting your household budget to finance a grabby man child who's choosing not to support himself. So he's doing an apprenticeship, if he's not making enough money he gets a second job. Have you asked your husband when the money stream is going to dry up or will your SS be working full time and still getting a £250 allowance?

If you were loaded, your life was adequately funded and supporting SS came at no cost to the rest of you, then maybe fair enough. But joint finances are still exactly that and if your husband was spending that much on a fully grown employed adult it would still be laughable. As it is, it sounds like his approach is really hurting you and your life and that's utter bullshit. If he won't change or discuss it calmly and reasonably, listening properly to your thoughts on the matter, then walk away.

it's just starting to feel as though he doesn't want to make any effort because he doesn't have to Well indeed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 16:27

Sorry, x post on joint or otherwise finances.

Honestly, screw him. He's being absolutely ridiculous. There's divorced dad guilt, which they don't all suffer from anyway, and then there's bankrupting yourself to look flash when you're not. I'd lose all respect for him.

JuJu2017 · 27/03/2018 16:33

Hi OP, I’ve never been in your shoes but my father in law and his wife were. My sister in law is a bit older than your step son (25 now but this has been going on for years) and has never worked. She’s got herself into debt and has had four children. A lot of the time my father in law has had to stump the bill for her and her kids, whether it be by bailing her out and paying off debts and payday loans, or providing her for her kids between benefit payments. He and his wife nearly divorced over it because she, like you, couldn’t cope with how much of their money went on my sister in law, especially when they hadn’t had a holiday in years and needed to do their home up. After a lot of arguments, they literally had to agree to disagree. They keep their finances relatively separate, with both contributing to bills etc, and my step mother in law (?) has had to agree to not ask questions about how much money is being given to sister in law. She still isn’t happy about it but it was either stay quiet or let it rip them apart because she could never think of a satisfactory response to ‘she’s my daughter and she’s in trouble, I have to help.’

YourWanMajella · 27/03/2018 16:34

I understand that it's my OH choice to do as he wishes but I believe he is just teaching the wrong lesson constantly handing over money

He probably is, but its his son, his money, and his business.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 16:38

We are not actually married but ARE engaged to be. I have a couple grand in savings and I never go into my overdraft and I find myself paying for all the little extras around the house or indeed for my OH (other half). The house does need work- our boiler needs replacing and the kitchen floor is rotten but we don't have the money to do it. We gave the SS £150 only last week as an early birthday gift as he was going away on a football thing. He rang the same day he got back requesting money-which was given. I apparently hate my SS according to my OH (I dont).

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 16:41

Does FIL's wife ever get holiday or other nice things now @JuJu2017? The thing people are ignoring with any "it's his business" responses are while they may think that, there's an inevitable knock on for their spouse who is automatically losing out, even if finances are mostly separate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 16:44

Oh dear god OP, DON'T MARRY HIM.

You're on fundamentally different pages and as others have said, and you already know, the dynamic's in place now and your SS isn't going to change because your DP isn't going to make/let him.

Coyoacan · 27/03/2018 16:44

He probably is, but its his son, his money, and his business

This is so true, but it must be horrible to watch someone ruin a perfectly healthy young adult.

I had an acquaintance whose parents were like this and they did him no favours.

Chocolala · 27/03/2018 16:48

Don’t marry him. Just don’t.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2018 16:49

We are not actually married but ARE engaged to be.

Don't marry him. In fact, I'd rethink living together. I'd never put myself in the position of sharing a house with someone who I couldn't trust to make their share of expenses.

He's entitled to treat his son as he sees fit (even if it's not in his son's best interest). But he's not entitled to expect you to finance it, including you paying for repairs that should be joint or making up a 'shortfall' in the household expenses.

JuJu2017 · 27/03/2018 16:49

@AnneLovesGilbert, she does, yes, but I completely agree with your point. I think it’s made FIL a little more sneaky too as it’s now a game of ‘don’t tell my wife I gave you this.’ It’s also caused a lot of family ructions because SIL has taken it as her step mum not liking her and is now accusing her of making things awkward between her and her dad because she can’t openly thank him for stuff. Not a nice situation!

Iflyaway · 27/03/2018 16:51

Oh, for god's sake, don't marry him!

He is indulging an adult son who says "interviews aren't my thing" and "doesn't like his co-workers". No sign of teaching him about adult responsibilities.

Who the fuck gave that guy such an entitled attitude?!

I'd be running for the hills out of this relationship.

You are showing a dreadful role model for your own kids, who are young teenagers. I wonder how they feel about this, all the energy money and time given to someone who doesn't give a fuck, except for his own wants.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 16:51

I would like to point out that I do have 2 children from a previous marriage a 13 yr boy and 14 yr old girl. I am trying to teach them the value of money, which this situation is not helping. My children will always ask if there is anything they can do to earn money when they require it, they will clean the car, kitchen etc etc. I have taught them both that money doesn't come for free, but then feel this is being totally contradicted by my OH's actions with our SS.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 16:53

I'd never put myself in the position of sharing a house with someone who I couldn't trust to make their share of expenses.

So very very much this.

OP, you deserve someone who respects you as a partner.

You say you've discussed breaking up. The compromise is to take a step back and date, living apart. Enjoying the good bits but without the stress of joint finances in any way.

None of this would work for me as his attitude is bang out of order and would be a deal breaker. But if there are enough other things about him and your relationship that make you happy, then think laterally about your options.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 17:01

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert for your responses, I have truly begun to believe I'm completely in the wrong and haven't got a leg to stand on. I DO NOT hate my SS I just don't understand as @Iflyaway put so well his entitled attitude. He never rings unless he wants money, he still plays 5-a-side football for a league that he and his father insist his father go to but which is just another way to illicit money from my OH with or without my knowledge.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 27/03/2018 17:17

You talk about the value of money but how much is he earning from his apprentiship and what are his outgoings? It's difficult to know whether he is totally blowing his money or whether he is indeed financially stretched.

My OH gives his mum £300 a month. She doesn't need it at all, but it makes him happy to give her a better life. That's his money coming out of his disposable income. I wouldn't dare telling him that he should stop paying her. It's his choice, just as it will be my choice to give what I consider a reasonable amount to my DD when she goes to Uni.

If you can't agree on either joint payments, or that each does what they want with their own money, I can't see marriage working well for you.

Original poster

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 17:29

@swingofthings it's lovely that your OH gives his mum £300 a month, I'm sure though that he wouldn't could he not afford it?
My SS earns enough to cover his outgoings and have money left over, what I object to is not the giving of money but the endless need for more. I have offered to help with a budget plan but was cut short. He goes out a lot drinking, drives around in his car for no apparent reason-No destination in mind just to drive. He also has expensive taste in clothes and won't wear anything without the right label.
I do not mind helping him out and have multiple times, I just believe that sometimes you can limit an individual's own abilities by not letting them take responsibility for their own lives.
If the money going out was going on something needed no problem but when it's just going on take out or going out I believe there's an issue.

OP posts:

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