Overindulged 21 yr old stepson ruining relationship

[NATANDMAS]

Hi all, this is my first post and I'm literally going insane. My OH and I have been together 7 years. I have 2 children one is now 14 the other 13 and he has a now 21yr old son. We are having major issues at present and are seriously considering splitting (which I don't want to do). Our problem is that my stepson is constantly wanting money, he does currently work as an apprentice so doesn't earn much but my OH has been giving up to and exceeding £250 a month to him whilst our home is falling apart. I found out a few months ago that my SS had an overdraft and was being severely stung in charges by his bank, he and his dad were trying to get one of those 100% Apr loans, when I found out I borrowed my SS the money so that he wouldnt incur interest or late/non-payment fees, up to yet he has been pretty consistent with paying it back. The last straw came a few days ago when my SS transferred £50 to me for the loan but then text his dad an hour later asking for yet more money (which we don't get back). I then suggested that we give him back the £50 and start afresh next month as then we wouldn't be just giving him money hand over fist and he would still be paying it back. My OH went totally nuts saying that if he can help his son he will and it's none of my business, he says that he can afford to keep giving his son money and he will continue to do so. I'm just so upset by his reactions and feel like I'm of no value to him and my opinion doesn't matter. Am I wrong to want to try to instil some financial responsibility? Is it even anything to do with me? Thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.

Case in point:
My OH dad also gives at least £30 per week to my SS, we decided that we'd do something good for grandpa. We paid for and redecorated his lounge; carpet, sofa, curtains etc etc. Whilst making plans SS said he'd be there to help-he arrived a couple hours before we finished, he basically put a paint roller to the last wall to be decorated. It took myself and the OH 2 days to move stuff, take it to the tip and buy/ fit new carpets and furnishings-up 4 flights of stairs . When finished grandpa gave OH £60 (bless him) and said he knew it wouldn't have been cheap to do ( the £60 nowhere covered expenses) my OH gave this money to SS saying that he was glad he'd made it and helped!

@Unktious,yes my children live with us but under my rules (Please do not think my OH does not have a say if things are not going well) my children have been and are taught the value of a pound and a good work ethic. My OH does treat them well but always falls back on 'I will treat them like i treat my own'
I cannot as mentioned before bring up another 2 of my SS therefore I ask that my OH does not give money unwarranted nor for simple things like grabbing him a beer. I have explained to the OH that we are different and would like different things for our offspring, but that doesn't mean that I contradict or question him in front of the children (something of which he does to me).

OP, I’m not sure you got my point although it’s very possible I didn’t explain it well. If your partner is subsidizing your kids then he probably thinks it’s ok to subsidize his own. Are you are your partner currently dividing the household expenses or do you put more money in to cover your DC? BTW I’m not saying this is right or wrong, I’m just suggesting why you partner might think it is ok to subsidize his own child even if he is an adult.

Hmm...

"my OH has made it very clear that he and my SS have got 14 years together more than he and I do. "

If thats his attitude I would wish him and SS luck in the future and end it.
Your OH doesn't respect you and your opinion doesn"t matter to him.

It's like you would say you have known your parents or siblings longer therfore they matter more...your OH is supposed to be your friend and the two of you are supposed to be a team forever..it seems he wants a team with SS against you AND you can't trust him with money AND he is not open to a compromise..

It's like you would say you have known your parents or siblings longer therfore they matter more...
I don't think it's the same at all. Parents and children are in your life forever, partners don't. OP says that there are major issues in their relationship. This man is clearly devoted to his son and wants to help him get on with adult life. He is doing nothing different to what many parents do.

The issue here is how it impacts on OP and how their budget are worked out. You say you've never been on holiday for 7 years do you mean together? Can you not go away with your children? Is your OH not bothered when you do and he has to stay home because he can't afford to go?

A minimum wage job, if it is full time and you are living at home and not paying for the pleasure of doing so, is not an insignificant amount of money at that age. DD1 is having a gap year - she earns a little more than minimum wage, buys all her own clothes, has a good social life, and has saved £5,000 in the past six months. We certainly don’t need to give her money!

my OH has made it very clear that he and my SS have got 14 years together more than he and I do. With that comment I'm out

I think you are very wise. He has told you where you stand.

It's easy to say 'no child of mine ' will do X orY eg scrounge and waste money, before they've got to that stage.
I don't think SS sounds too bad, moving in with professional gf in the not too distant future. Doing an apprenticeship.
The money is a pain. What is he doing with it?
Whose idea was it to surprise Grandpa? No good making surprises on the assumption someone else will muck in and do a lot of the work.

I've known several selfish DCs around this age, me for one, I didn't scrounge money but I didn't paint Grandpa's house. I was busy man-hunting and socialising.
There is a risk that this lending of money he hasn't got will continue once SS leaves home so keep your money very separate so you can leave if you must in the future.

Listen you should have a say and your DH sounds like hes being a dick but you wont make him see the light unless he wants to so dont bother.
Sit down and work out a budget you both agree with so whatever works but as an example. Split bills 50/50 and put £50 each into household repair tin. After that your money is your own seperate accounts.
Make it clear he can give every penny he likes to his son but you wont be paying for things then for him. Not petrol booze clothes food nothing.
Dont let it affect you or your kids.
I think he will wake up soon and if he doesnt leave them too it just keep your finances seperate and DO NOT bail anyone out.
Bank charges are to deter people from spending money they dont have.

Bluetoo1 You describe yourself as selfish at that age. Are you no longer selfish?

My experience is that they don’t just grow out of it, but must be taught the value of things, to start to feel grateful. Gratitude is the antidote for selfishness. This is not usually a painless evolution unless the seeds of gratitude and the value of a £1 have been instilled from an early age. I don’t think op will have half of these problems with her own children when the time comes.

This ss is using high interest loans to fund football weekends away, and flashy clothes. Dad isn’t too worried because waiting in the wings is a young professional woman ready to subsidise his sons feckless behaviour. Dad knows this is a great way for a man to get some security while still operating his bank account like a financially illiterate child... he’s been enjoying this set up for 7years with op.

I’d love to know why his ss mum left, to see if it was also to do with his poor money habits.

Swing "don't think it's the same at all. Parents and children are in your life forever, partners don't"

Hmmm again. You leave your parents and your children will leave you to have their own independent lifes. You will see each other and keep in touch etc. BUT it's your husband who is supposed to be your life companion or other half...I have never been divorced so maybe that's why I treat wedding vows seriously..

This man is clearly devoted to his son and wants to help him get on with adult life. He is doing nothing different to what many parents do.

But one of the first things one has to do as an adult (indeed well before one reaches adulthood) is learn how to be responsible with money. This man is not helping his DS to do that, in fact he is hindering him.

Op

Resentment is like drinking your own poison

@Unktious, sorry was tired last night, I have read again what you have written and think you did explain well your point. My mind at that time wasn't functioning . I think you have a valid reasoning and on reflection yes he does subsidise them....he'll give them money for treats or he'll grab them something from the shop, buy them dinner etc. Maybe he does feel like you've said. I am definitely going to try to talk through that point with him. I had not thought of it that way as i see the DC as just that-children who still require support. I have to say again though that helping support my SS is not a problem the amount of support he requires is the issue. He is grown has a job, car, g/f etc but still requires more and more financial support- I think he feels entitled to that support as it's always been there, he isn't learning how to be a financially responsible adult because he doesn't have to be. I draw a line at paying for another adults lifestyle because they can't budget.

That comment about the 14 years longer mean you will never match or catch up to that OP.

I'd be out from that comment, finances aside.

@Bluetoo1, I have not nor would I ever say no child of mine will be like this or that, like most people I cannot predict the future.

What I CAN say however is how my DC are now, my DD age 14 already has her own savings, she is already out and about looking for a little Saturday job sweeping hair etc. If her grandparents give her money when she sees them she insists on doing a job I.e walking their dog or doing the dishes after dinner. My DS age 13 does not save his money but also does not like money for nothing he will also ensure he does a job for the money he receives. I do realise that this does not mean they won't require some financial support in the future but I do believe that they will perhaps only ask for support if genuinely needed.

Sorry if I missed it but is he living at home at the moment?

@swingofthings he lived with us for a few months last year as his mum had kicked him out for having drugs in his room that his young brother had found (young brother is aged 9). He has since gone back to his mum's who charges him £30 a week for the privilege (we did not ask for any money from him when he has lived with us).

It’s a classic example of a DSC playing off a doting Dad against a SM. In this case, with money. He is not learning any good life lessons. I guess you have the options of:

1. leaving DH
2. staying and saying nothing
3. separating out your money and having nothing financially to do with DSS. However insisting on house rules and cooperation in the house. Then just biting your tongue.
4. setting a time limit on how long you can cope with DSS.

I’d do 3&4

There's a huge difference between a parent (or step parent) buying dinner or picking up a treat at the store for children (or step children) and handing wads of cash over to them to subsidize their lifestyle. If OP's DH is thinking it's the same, that's a false equivalency. It's especially false if the children are underaged. We don't expect our minor children to be self-supporting. We DO expect it in our adult children.

My children are grown (one married). I'll pick up the tab for meals or will pick up milk and bread or a slice of cake for them at the store if I'm there. Not because they can't afford it, but because it's a nice thing to do. And they certainly aren't asking me for cash because they've squandered their paycheck or are living beyond their means!

Again, OP's OH does have the technical right to do as he wants for his child. We all do, even to the ruination of them. BUT OP also has the right to say she does not want to be in a relationship with someone who does things she cannot agree with. Or who doesn't prioritize meeting his financial obligations to his partner. Personally, I'd leave.

We don't (thank god) have a joint account we each pay our share of the bills from our own accounts
How is that share divided? Surely not 50/50, which would be very unfair, however, if he is indeed paying more into it, therefore indirectly financially supporting your children, it's understandable that he would get annoyed with you telling him that he shouldn't be giving his son money. He does it because helping his boy, even if he doesn't need it, makes him happy.

Imagine a similar situation. Your eldest decides to go to Uni and is choosing accommodation. All they can afford is halls miles away from campus that looks a bit grotty. You feel a bit sorry for your DC so suggest that you give them money each month to help them afford something closer and more comfortable. Then your OH say that he doesn't think it's right, that his son didn't get help with accommodation and your DC should learn the reality of like and only live in accommodation they can afford, that it's not fair that now he was looking forward to a nice holiday, you won't be able to afford it.

I agree with the poster who said that's easy to think that once their kids move out, there will be no financial support any longer, the reality when they get there is different.

A 21 year old apprentice should still be earning NMW (unless he’s in his first year), so he can’t be that skint? Has he moved out of home?

If he is in his first year he will only be getting £3.50 but even if he isn’t he might only be getting £7.05 (soon to go up). It’s not a lot if he has to run a car. Car insurance for a 21 year old, even with a spotless license, can easily be over a thousand pounds and then there is the car itself and petrol etc. He might well need the car for his apprenticeship. It’s not unreasonable to want to help your adult kids out if they are working towards a career.

"Working towards a career" he said job interviews weren't his thing ffs. I'd be surprised if he even knows what the word career means!

melt £7.05 is around £1100 a month after tax (based on a 40 hour week).
If he still lives at home, that’s a shitload! Car or no car!