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Original poster

Overindulged 21 yr old stepson ruining relationship

76 replies

NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 14:45

Hi all, this is my first post and I'm literally going insane. My OH and I have been together 7 years. I have 2 children one is now 14 the other 13 and he has a now 21yr old son. We are having major issues at present and are seriously considering splitting (which I don't want to do). Our problem is that my stepson is constantly wanting money, he does currently work as an apprentice so doesn't earn much but my OH has been giving up to and exceeding £250 a month to him whilst our home is falling apart. I found out a few months ago that my SS had an overdraft and was being severely stung in charges by his bank, he and his dad were trying to get one of those 100% Apr loans, when I found out I borrowed my SS the money so that he wouldnt incur interest or late/non-payment fees, up to yet he has been pretty consistent with paying it back. The last straw came a few days ago when my SS transferred £50 to me for the loan but then text his dad an hour later asking for yet more money (which we don't get back). I then suggested that we give him back the £50 and start afresh next month as then we wouldn't be just giving him money hand over fist and he would still be paying it back. My OH went totally nuts saying that if he can help his son he will and it's none of my business, he says that he can afford to keep giving his son money and he will continue to do so. I'm just so upset by his reactions and feel like I'm of no value to him and my opinion doesn't matter. Am I wrong to want to try to instil some financial responsibility? Is it even anything to do with me? Thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 27/03/2018 17:35

The problem is that your OH considers that he should have the freedom to give his son the money he wants to give whilst you see that he shouldn't do so if you don't agree. If you have separate accounts and each pay 50% of the bills, then surely it's up to him how he spends his disposable income or to use his overdraft.

I certainly don't think you should be helping him financially, you have your children to look after.

Original poster
NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 17:45

@swingofthings whilst I understand your point, i don't agree. I believe that using your overdraft to fund somebody else who already can't manage their finances is ridiculous. My OH is incurring daily charges from his bank for going over his overdraft constantly and has just been refused a personal loan from his bank because of his penchant for always being in or going over his overdraft- it's called being irresponsible. I firmly believe that you should live within your means and save if there's any extras wanted. There are things that require urgent attention inside the house, we have NEVER once been on holiday in 7 years. My OH has never flown all trivial I'm sure but why does it have to be this way? The only way that anything gets fixed or we go out is if I pay the majority or all of the cost. 7 years of trying to build a home and a life and I get no say in our finances? I don't think that's what being in a partnership is all about.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2018 17:45

Do you still think you’re in the wrong for objecting @NATANDMAS or has other people telling you you’re not helped to validate your feelings? I really sympathise with you. It’s a horrible situation. But you know you’re not going to change your DP and it sounds a bit like he enjoys being in a little club for two with his son, both acting like they have a fun secret and lashing out at you for trying to spoil their fun.

That’s no life for you and you’re right and fair to object to your life with your partner being compromised by the steady flow of cash from your household to a grown man who could well support himself but chooses not to. One wonders how hard up your DP would have to be, how much he’d personally have to be losing out on, to let his adult son give standing on his own two feet a go.

AnnaMagnani · 27/03/2018 17:45

Thing is you aren't both paying 50% of the bills are you? There are other bills - the boiler that needs replacing, the floor that needs doing, the holiday that you are never going to go on which are now never ever going to be paid. Or going to be paid solely by you.

So a frank reassessment of what 'the bills' are needs to be had as currently your OH is acting as a magic money tree for his son while you indirectly prop him up.

Chocolala · 27/03/2018 18:46

List out what needs soon I the house, cost it is and present him with a bill for his half. Don’t fund it yourself. Don’t get anything done until he pays his share.

It’ll either shock him into seeing this can’t continue, or make it clear your relationship won’t survive his lack of financial responsibility.

Chocolala · 27/03/2018 18:47

*what needs doing
*cost it up

WhiteCat1704 · 27/03/2018 19:12

It's interesting that some people say its none of your business..
I don't know if my set up is unusual but we make financial decisions together..even those concerning my SD..
Soon SD will need support when going to uni, her mother gives her nothing, and we will decide together how much to give her..I will probably be the one wanting to give more too(I'm more relaxed about money in general)..But she has a part time job, does very well academically and is very driven so I feel she deserves the help and it won't be wasted. I'm happy to contribute and as me and DH are a unit and we carry all financial burdens together..we make decisions regarding our DS together and SD is no different.

In your situation OP I would not accept supporting this young mens lifestyle..It he wants more money he should get a job and your partner is really not being a good parent(or partner) in this..

swingofthings · 27/03/2018 19:20

You don't agree and that's the problem, your OH doesn't agree either. Maybe you are approaching the issue the wrong way by focusing on his son. His son will be high on his priority list, so you can't expect him to stop helping him financially just because you don't like it. You need to talk to him about things you agree needs saving for and then decide how much each will put towards it each month.

My DD is about to go to Uni and I will be funding her whether my OH likes it or not. He's already suggested she could get a PT job to help with her expenses, but her line of studies won't allow for this. Yes, there are things that could be done in the house, but my kids come before the house, so although I do contribute towards repairs etc... when it comes to priority, my kids come first and no-one is to tell that this is wrong.

swingofthings · 27/03/2018 19:24

I don't know if my set up is unusual but we make financial decisions together..even those concerning my SD
People have different set up depending on many different factors. When OH and I got together and made the decision to move in together, we discussed finances in detail and both agreed that we wanted to remain financially independent. It works for us. We agreed who would pay what and the agreement was that we would have similar disposable income. What we do with it is up to us. We both would hate having to consult with the other on what we do with the money we earn (similar income). Of course we discuss our large outlays and we don't count every penny, or would never think of going 50/50 when going out for a meal, but we need our independence as much with money than with time and as much as I wouldn't want my OH to tell me what time I am expected to be home, I don't want OH to tell me what I should spend on what.

lattewith3shotsplease · 27/03/2018 19:26

OP,
You are never going to win this one....his Son ...his choice.

7 years is a very long time to have spent on a relationship, but it doesn't appear to be giving you what you want.

Things may never improve, only you can decide where your future lays.

user1474652148 · 27/03/2018 19:30

I would consider living separately and stating together and dating.
If he is taking you for granted he won’t be for much longer.

Don’t marry him whatever you do.

If this relationship is strong and he is worthy it will come through this. The ss will grow up eventually, and if you are treated well and with respect you can consider marriage and sharing a home further down the line.
You need to protect your assets and your dc. And be sure before you commit he is right for you

LemonysSnicket · 27/03/2018 21:14

Apprentices get £3.50 an hour which is abhorrent and night on impossible to live off of tbf. It’s around 7k a year for 50 hours a week... think about it like that.

WhiteCat1704 · 27/03/2018 21:22

7k a year when you don't need to pay bills or support a family is not bad..its almost £600 per month to do whatever you want with..£150/week...

Unless I'm missing something and SS pays rent, bills etc?

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2018 21:23

Op

You may we’ll be unhappy with the set up but you just have to accept it.

Whilst it is your business your partner does not see it that way. And that is that

If I was you I’d start planning some lovely holiday for you and your kids whilst dumb and dumber won’t be able to afford it see how they like that!!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2018 21:23

I don't think it's a matter of wrong or right, it's a matter of priorities.

OP's OH has the right to prioritise his son. Again, he's not doing him any favours but it's his money. OP has different priorities and that's fine too.

It's just that their priorities don't work well together.

You've been together since DSS was what, 14? Did you not see this behaviour when he was younger?

Makingdinner · 27/03/2018 21:23

I didn't work 50 hours a week as an apprentice. I did 37 and a half like any other employee who worked there.

Yes the wage is shit but apprentices are generally young people who live with their parents so it's not like they've a mortgage to pay out of their wage.

Apprenticeships are generally only a year or two so potentially he could be earning a lot more soon.

Anyway I can't feel sorry for someone who turned down an interview for a better job because "interviews aren't his thing" he sounds like an entitled little boy.

Do not marry this man op!

DrEustaciaBenson · 27/03/2018 21:39

OP's OH has the right to prioritise his son.

Not if it means he's not paying a full share of his own living expenses. Paying for necessary work on the house they both live in shouldn't be solely up to the op.

Appuskidu · 27/03/2018 21:45

Do you earn the same as your OP or significantly more/less?

Who owns the house?

I really wouldn’t be marrying him any time soon!

captainjackandjill · 27/03/2018 21:57

I think Swingofthings is missing a bit of the situation when applying it to her own. It is admirable to assist your child when they are moving forward and motivated to become their own independent person. That's what we all wish for our children.

We also are paying for our DD's university. She is working two jobs to help herself in moving forward. One day she will be self-sufficient. All good and absolutely the end goal.

However the OP's situation is not at all like this. Her DH is creating a completely dependant adult-child, who has no interest in developing skills etc to become an independent adult. So his Dad will have to keep supporting him, and therefore it will remain a vicious circle. The son won't have to push himself as dear old Dad will keep forking out money.

We have family friends who went through this. The parents are still supporting their 50+ year old daughter. They have even raised her child. Nothing at all wrong with her. She didn't want to work, they looked after her, and it never stopped.

Good luck OP, what a crappy situationFlowers

eggsandchips · 27/03/2018 23:28

Let him get on with it - but don't contribute anything yourself.

Original poster
NATANDMAS · 27/03/2018 23:59

Have been talking with the OH tonight, he is adamant that he will always do whatever his son needs-My question was 'when will it end?' The reply was when he doesn't need my help. To top it off OH has now got a job for SS working with him for 12 hrs a day 5 days a week. I can't bear it and am very sceptical of what will transpire. We have touched on the topic of an allowance but my OH keeps going off the charts-i'll give him 10,20,30,40,50 pounds a week.My SS has a g/f that is qualifying as a MHN in Sept and has a job waiting at the local hospital, they are planning to get a flat/house together (which I assume inadvertently I will somehow pay for) my OH has made it very clear that he and my SS have got 14 years together more than he and I do. With that comment I'm out thank you all good and bad for commenting, I love my OH dearly but am not going to subsidise my SS and his lifestyle at the expense of myself and my children- they are not stupid and realise the goings one. I can barely afford the SS I have let alone making 2 more of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NATANDMAS · 28/03/2018 00:01

@Appuskidu I earn less than him by a good margin, the home is owned by him with me having a 30% share (long story).

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/03/2018 00:08

How much does he earn as an apprentice? We pay ours around £25k, which is a bit different from £3.50 an hour!

Original poster
NATANDMAS · 28/03/2018 00:16

He earns minimum wage-due to his age. We have helped out a lot but I thought things were going to get easier not harder? My children have responsibilities if they require extra money, and they meet them, only to see/hear that SS has gotten everything (even when we can't afford it) for nothing.

OP posts:
Unktious · 28/03/2018 00:17

Do you think you partner thinks he subsidizes your children so that makes it ok if he subsidizes his own. I know it’s flawed logic but I’m trying to think how he might be seeing it. Also, if your kids are living with you I wonder if your partner has mentally totted up how much longer they might be living at home and how much more he might be contributing to their future upbringing. Iyswim

Does your SS live with you?

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