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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Moving in together - how to divide the rooms? What is fair?

89 replies

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:13

So we are going to live as blended family in 3 weeks time. We have 3 boys between two of us, I have 12 year old, he has 10 year and 15 year old.

There are 3 rooms for the boys to choose from: regarding the size - small one, middle one and the biggest one. Small one and the biggest one are facing the south and get the sun, the middle one is facing the north, no sun at all.

Now, my son (12), lives with us full time. His boys (10, 15), come for half of the week. We will pay the rent equally half half.

Which room would you suggest that my son (that is full time with us) should have please so it is fair?

OP posts:

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BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:42

Well I arranged to get into the property tomorrow for 15 minutes, all of us, so I will tell you tomorrow evening how it ended. My son will be away for 2 weeks at his dads during the move in day, so I thought they should be introduced to the environment all 3 of them upfront, together to decide.

OP posts:

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:45

pallisers thanks you just hit it on the nail. I have my heart open to compromise of course and look out for everyone. I just wish my partner would come across like that too. I don't mind my son having the dark middle room. I wish my partner would express some empathy towards my son too, not just looking for the best for his kids. Then he makes me feeling defensive too when he is like that:/

OP posts:

pallisers · 15/03/2018 23:46

Also with the 15 year old you could probably negotiate as in "look we were thinking if you took the middle sized room, we'd do a trip to ikea and get some stuff you really like and a small sofa so you could have your friends up there" - that kind of thing.

pallisers · 15/03/2018 23:47

I wish my partner would express some empathy towards my son too, not just looking for the best for his kids. Then he makes me feeling defensive too when he is like that:/

If your son is going to live with him full-time, you really need to have a conversation with him about this. good luck.

IThinkThatsWeird · 15/03/2018 23:48

I think you should decide by luck unless any of the boys have a preference. Whenever we moved my DC chose the rooms themselves and often the person who chose first didn't chose the biggest room.
I don't agree that because your son lives with you all the time he should chose first. In fact I'd almost argue the opposite. Especially for the DSS who has to share. That would make me think he should get first choice.

The fact that you are squabbling over this isn't a good sign. Have you really discussed things properly?

IThinkThatsWeird · 15/03/2018 23:51

I wish my partner would express some empathy towards my son too, not just looking for the best for his kids.

I don't get why you think he is putting his kids first when it looks like you are the one putting your child first. He said let them sort it out - surely that means he is treating them equally whereas you want your son to have the best room. 🤷🏻‍♀️

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 23:53

I don't mind my son having the dark middle room

You'd put him in that room all the time while your partners son gets the much better room part time? So you're putting his kids first and so is he...who is putting your son first?

Don't move in together.

DextroDependant · 15/03/2018 23:56

Does your son not got to his father's any other time but these two weeks?

I would let them all Have a say, If They can't decide then it is names in a hat.

My oldest never wanted a bigger room, he wanted the box room as it is less to tidy. I generally think younger ones make more use of a big bedroom playing with toys but at 10 O think that shop has probably sailed.

BlueFlowerPot · 16/03/2018 00:01

DextroDependant unfortunately not, it will be during the Easter 2 week holiday and the dad lives abroad so my son has to go. Bad timing.
sidewayswithatescotrolley I get it totally what you are saying. I just don't want to ask for much and want to be fair.

My partner also said that he thinks the 15yo should get one of the bigger rooms as he would like to have his teenage friends around and have space for his instruments (piano, portable drums), and also that the little one has the least stuff and could have the smallest room possibly.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/03/2018 08:26

You are paying rent half and half. One big room equals two smaller rooms, in my opinion. I'd give your son the bigger room because he's there full-time - it's ridiculous to have a big sunny room that's empty half of the week.

Somersetter · 16/03/2018 08:32

I would let the oldest choose which room he wants but explain that if he picks the biggest room he will have to give it up when he goes to uni (if that's the plan) to one of the others.

upsideup · 16/03/2018 08:40

The only fair way is to do it pull names out of a hat, unless they can decide for themselves because you and your partner cannot agree.

lunar1 · 16/03/2018 08:49

You really shouldn't be moving in together with these attitudes. Allocate the rooms oldest to youngest in order of size if you are determined to do this and be grateful you are renting not buying!

IThinkThatsWeird · 16/03/2018 08:57

I think it would be different if the DSS's had big sunny rooms while they were at their other parents but they don't - they have a box room and a shared room. Why should the OPs kid get a large sunny room all the time and the other two kids get bit great rooms ANY of the time.

I think the suggestion that the OP is paying for half the house so has 'paid' for the bigger room is not good. If you had that attitude things would get very difficult as the kids get older. (School Trips, holidays, cars etc).

Parky04 · 16/03/2018 08:59

Just ask them what rooms they would like. My eldest DS wanted the box room and youngest DS the bigger room. If they can't agree then your DS should have first pick and then the eldest DS.

Obviously the problem is not really to do with the rooms but attitude of partner.

Iloveacurry · 16/03/2018 09:01

Your son should have the first choice of room as he’s there ALL the time. Then his two should have the other two rooms, the oldest having the larger out the two rooms.

lunar1 · 16/03/2018 09:04

Being a step child and having to live between two homes isn't a bloody reward and shouldn't be used to justify them getting the worse end of the deal at either home.

wildduckhunt · 16/03/2018 09:11

In all honesty I wouldn’t move in together. Neither of you are wrong in wanting your own DC to come first but you’re the only one who seems to be genuinely willing to compromise - even though your kid is the one who’ll be living there all the time.

FWIW I think your son should get the biggest room, as he’s the only one who’ll be living there FT.

louise5754 · 16/03/2018 09:12

This reminds me when my mum and her ex p moved in together. The only boy had the box room. They had 2 sets of bunk beds in the biggest room bedroom. They were in an L shape and I got the bottom one which was the worst as I had the other set right next to me. I was the eldest too. My step sisters fell out with me and my sister and would text eachother when we were in bed and laugh. They thought I had chosen the beds furniture wall paper etc. It was the first time I'd seen it. Oh the memories!! You have boys and 3 rooms so I think that's a good start lol x

Justdontknow4321 · 16/03/2018 09:36

Your son should get the big room.
Let him decide between his two who gets the other 2 rooms.

Tbh your going to have the same issue time and time again, yet your son has to live with that man. I wouldn’t be moving in with him

Justdontknow4321 · 16/03/2018 09:37

I wouldn’t like them to decide between them as it will more then likely cause arguments and he has 2 boys and you have 1 so it will always be 2 against 1 and there stick together

WhiteCat1704 · 16/03/2018 09:40

God...they will each have their own room! Thats great for all of them!! How you rank the rooms won't be necessarily how they rank them. Most kids don't care if its sunny..and often prefer smaller, I always did as a teen..

I would let them decide...on a "fairness" level it really dosen't matter..they each have a room..that's fair already! You are creating conflict with your DP..for this to work both of you should be thinking about the boys equally, so it shouldn't matter how long they stay with you..how would you solve it if they were YOUR 3 sons?

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Justoneme · 16/03/2018 10:01

That's rubbish.... the child who is there full time should get the bigger room. End of story.
If your DP is acting this way now .... jezzz I worry about the future.

upsideup · 16/03/2018 10:22

Think about who you would want to be

Child 1 gets a big sunny room all the time
Child 2 gets a box room then has to up and move half way through every week to a cold medium sized room
Child 3 has to share with a step sibling then up and move half way through every week to the smallest room

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 10:23

Well would you want to be the child who gets the crappiest room in his home while part timers get the bigger room?

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