Moving in together - how to divide the rooms? What is fair?

[BlueFlowerPot]

So we are going to live as blended family in 3 weeks time. We have 3 boys between two of us, I have 12 year old, he has 10 year and 15 year old.

There are 3 rooms for the boys to choose from: regarding the size - small one, middle one and the biggest one. Small one and the biggest one are facing the south and get the sun, the middle one is facing the north, no sun at all.

Now, my son (12), lives with us full time. His boys (10, 15), come for half of the week. We will pay the rent equally half half.

Which room would you suggest that my son (that is full time with us) should have please so it is fair?

[WhiteCat1704]

Jeez people...they get their OWN room..what does it even mean crappiest room? For the smallest one buy a high sleeper bed and make it coolest..and who cares about sun in the bedroom? It will be annoying for a teen and drawn curtains all the time when they are on their xbox..

Seriously the bad sign here is OP and her DP going into a fight about this :/..

And 50% arrangement is differeng to EOW..they really should be treated equally..

[Ember12]

If they were all your children which rooms would you put them in? My guess eldest in big and youngest in small simple really.

[sidewayswithatescotrolley]

Don't jeez people us, you just have an opinion like anyone else.

[ArcheryAnnie]

You could draw straws to start off with, to establish claims, and then be open to them switching around among themselves, if they want to.

(But agreed with the others that the real problem here is you and your DP can't agree on this.)

[Xocaraic]

I would also consider in my choice ambient noise. So, is the biggest sunniest room above the kitchen, will early morning/late evening dishwasher type noise bother him M-F given he is with you FT? Similarly, which room backs onto the bathroom and is there an electric shower which would be noisy?
Bigger isn't always better. If there is adequate storage, a place for study and enough room for a decent bed the best room is the one with least distractions.
For your SS x2. I would be inclined to offer the younger child a larger room as older SS likely won't be at home so often and there will be more social events he will attend.

[JustMarriedAndLovingIt]

Full time child first. In our house, our third bedroom is a box room and about 1/3 of the size of my son’s. We have a trundle bed in it and it has to be shared on the 4 night a month the step kids come. The way I see it, my son’s stuff wouldn’t fit in that room so would take up some of the (mostly empty) big room if it was reserved for them when they aren’t there for 6/7 days of the month.

[TheSaviorsAreNonU]

We're in the same situation

The one full time child gets the biggest which is also near the parents room so we can hear him.

The two half time children get the other two, the youngest gets the smallest room and the eldest the bigger one.

I think it's fair.

[YearOfYouRemember]

I would ask the boys. If they can all agree and are happy it doesn't matter what the parents want.

[timelord92]

I think your son should get the biggest room as he lives there full time and will have all of his belongings in it.

Your partners children have rooms at their mums where they will keep the majority of their stuff. As you said the youngest shares with a step brother he will be made up to have his own room at yours regardless of it being small.

I was in a similar position when we moved into our new house and had a new baby at the same time. We gave my DSD (14) the biggest room to make her feel included and not feel pushed out with the arrival of the baby but I’m not sure now it was the best decision as she still only has a few clothes that we have bought her for here and she takes all trinkets, Xmas presents I buy her home with her. So it is a bit like the baby will be living here full time with all her toys, clothing, etc in a little box room while her sister who is here 2 nights a week with hardly anything to fill the room has the bigger one. Maybe she will feel more at home as time goes on.

It is difficult within step families to know what to do for the best and to not upset anyone.

It’s funny cos years ago most people had 5 or more kids and they used to share all in one or two rooms and didn’t bat an eye lid. My 6 uncles all slept in the one room and didn’t complain. It seems these days everyone expects to have their own room, even to the extent of struggling to buy a 4/5 bed house to be able to do it.

[timelord92]

After saying that though, does you’re son go to visit his dad overnight too like your step sons?

[EllieMe]

Your son's there full time - he gets to choose.

[swingofthings]

Why is everyone so keen to decide for their behalf? The reality is that not all kids care as much about the size of their room let alone the exposure of the sun. If one step son really cared to have a bigger room whilst the one residing full-time genuinely didn't, wouldn't it be stupid to allocate the biggest to the one who won't really appreciate it?

What matters is that they can express their views freely, so I would visit with them, and then asked then independently. If the child living their FT say he would rather have the biggest room, then that's fair enough.

[TheFallenMadonna]

Perhaps the child who only has a room to himself for half the week should have the "best" room, the one who has a tiny room should have the medium size one, and the one who has his own room all week and never has to switch or share could have the smallest. There are quite a few ways to look at fairness. I'd ask them about it really.

[MyBoysAndI]

@BlueFlowerPot hope it went ok

[Prettylovely]

I wouldnt let them negotiate between them, I would give your son biggest sunny room as he is there full time, the eldest stepson the 2nd biggest room and younger stepson box room (youngest stepson will probably be thankful that they have a room of their own.) I would also try and see what the boys think before hand to see if they even care which room they have.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

FWIW when XDP and I were considering moving in together he said "your kids don't get the biggest rooms just because they're there more often, it's my kids' home too even if they're only there half the time" My kids stay once a week with their dad over summer and not at all over winter. (He has a mobile home and stays elsewhere when the park is shut). His DCs have a room each at their mum's house. These things apparently didn't make a difference to him and his DCs.

My solution was that between us, as the adults, we would choose which room was best for whom and the kids would have to put up with it and be grateful that they had a great new house to live in.

In the end there were so many other issues that the move didn't go ahead and we split up.

Leaving a bunch of kids to decide will end in carnage. However, you are both being a bit unfair on each other's kids. You are using very emotive language about the cold dark hovel your son will end up in, and yet expect his DCs to be happy with it even though their other home has a small room and a shared room.

If you and your DP can't discuss things like this without getting defensive this is going to get really hard really quickly! Have you had any counselling to set you up for this new adventure with some good ground rules? I really think it would be worth it.

[CotswoldStrife]

OP you clearly want your DS to have the 'sunny' room, but criticise your partner for wanting the best for his children which is what you want as well - you want the best for yours. This does not bode well for the future if you can't sort out the bedrooms!

[takeittakeit]

seriously why do people bother posting on this topic.

They always want their DC to have the biggest, best room and the SKs to have the smallest cramped etc for what ever reason.

At the end of the day, you will be unhappy if your DC does not get what you want him to have.I think your DP is right let them decide.

[Ijustwantabloodyusername]

You do appear to be more rigid and pushy about this than your DP. He's merely pointed out that the kids should decide, yet you are more insistent on making the decision as long as it means your DS gets the better room

The way you describe the room for your DC and then your Step-Son is like two different houses.

Why not get a feel for what the children want, then take it from there. In a fairer way that your suggestion.

[blaaake]

Bloody hell, the step mum bashers are out in full force

[IlikemyTeahot]

child who lives there full time should have biggest room as all his stuff will be there. 15 who already has a box room should have middle size and his younger brother should be fine with a box room considering he always has to share im sure he would be happy on his own, get him a high sleeper set up some lights and pillows Lego wall etc underneath basically put lots of effort into it to make it look amazing.

[VanGoghsDog]

Get a different house!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Full time child gets first pick.

Although it was the opposite with me, my son got the smallest. Our child together stayed in our room for way too long! Because DP did not want to move his daughters two of which were part time. It was a sorry reflection of where we were in priorities.

I suspect the same for you. I’d challenge everything. Do not let this pass. Only when he’s got his head out from insisting his kids are first that it has a chance of success.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

15yo should get one of the bigger rooms as he would like to have his teenage friends around and have space for his instruments (piano, portable drums) oh no so you become the loud free home too! I’d be seriously discussing ground rules now

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

The rooms aren’t the problem, his attitude is.

I tried to open this discussion with my partner. His first reaction was - it does not matter what child spends what time with us, they should decide it between them and be happy about it

I’d call the move off and probably the relationship.

You tried to have this discussion...?! Blended living is hard. These types of decisions are plentiful, if he’s hard work to have a discussion with, you’re not going to survive it. Of course you both want what’s best for your children, but you should be able to have a conversation about it.

Then he says ‘It doesn’t matter what child spends what time with us’ what he means is, ‘I will not consider that your sons needs might be different to my sons needs and his needs are not important to me’.

He’s told you very clearly how life is going to be. Do you really want to live like that?



If it was purely the rooms then DS gets the big room (him and all of his stuff are there all the time) and then see if his two have a preference, if they both want the same room then the eldest gets it until the eldest leaves school,, then they swap. Likely eldest wants the middle room, so he’s getting a better room than at his Mums and the youngest gets a room to himself, so he’s getting a better room than at his mums. That seems the fairest to me.