Moving in together - how to divide the rooms? What is fair?

[BlueFlowerPot]

So we are going to live as blended family in 3 weeks time. We have 3 boys between two of us, I have 12 year old, he has 10 year and 15 year old.

There are 3 rooms for the boys to choose from: regarding the size - small one, middle one and the biggest one. Small one and the biggest one are facing the south and get the sun, the middle one is facing the north, no sun at all.

Now, my son (12), lives with us full time. His boys (10, 15), come for half of the week. We will pay the rent equally half half.

Which room would you suggest that my son (that is full time with us) should have please so it is fair?

[PushMyButton]

Did you get it all worked out?

[MachineBee]

Oops. Should be ‘let them decide between themselves’.

[MachineBee]

As you are paying 50:50 on everything if you feel your DS has been given the worst option you will resent it eventually.

However, what you consider now to be the best option, may not be the same that the boys do. A hot sunny room won’t be great for gaming or screen work. Or one that has bright sunlight first thing in the morning may be the last thing a teenager wants.

They are boys, and will be much less bothered about this than you are. If you do them decide between yourself, and there is conflict, then suggest a rotation every year. That way all three will enjoy every room.

[WhiteCat1704]

19lottie82 I hope my child goes to uni when 18 or out of full time education. If not I would hope they will get a job, move out and start living independent adult lifes.

[Somersetter]

another point for the full time child to have the bigger room would be to think about the energy waste having the heaters on and the big room all empty half the time

Isn't that an argument for the full time child to have the smallest room? So that you don't need to heat the bigger rooms half the week?

[19lottie82]

Why do so many posters assume the eldest will be “moving away to uni” in 3 years?

[19lottie82]

I don’t think kids particularly care about whether their room gets the sun or not

Your son gets the biggest room as he lives there FT. 10 year old gets the medium took as he has to share at his Mums. 15 year old gets the smallest. I think that seems fair and I am against the thinking of the oldest always gets the biggest room.

That’s what I’d do anyway. Unless the 15 year old really wanted the medium room and the 10 year old wasn’t bothered about having the smaller one.

[takeittakeit]

We let the DCs decide - nothing like we expected
2 teens and 2 sub 10s.

The eldest teen wanted the smallest room because no one else was going to get in!

sub 10s wanted to share

Other teen - did not care at all, as long as he got a laptop in his room to play on!

no fighting, no moaning and pre prepping the DCS either way - they knew what they fancied, they all saw the rooms at the same time and teens took youngest two to the park for an ice cream and by the time they came back everyone was happy.

Unfortunately, after 18 months, the teens are going to have to swap rooms because the eldest in the smallest room is now 6ft 3, can not fit into the bed which was width ways and younger teen is only 5ft 4!!

[YimminiYoudar]

I don't think that moving in with each other is in the best interests of any of these children. Nome of you are ready for a blended family mindset. Keep separate lives and homes for now.

[IlikemyTeahot]

another point for the full time child to have the bigger room would be to think about the energy waste having the heaters on and the big room all empty half the time

[FoxyFoxFifty]

your son should have he biggest room!

[Greenyogagirl]

Your son should get the biggest room, he’s there all the time and has more stuff.

I find it concerning that your partner won’t discuss it with you and puts his children first. Blended families are difficult but from the age of 7 to now (30) I 100% believed my step dad loves me just as much as his kids and treated us all equally. You need to see yourself as one family under one roof and the children need to be treated equally

[FrustratedDotCom]

Of course your son should get the largest room. There is no other option.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Were you asked or told about the jamming sessions?!

How long has he lived on his own? I think quite possibly he needs to be made to understand this isn’t his house

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

The rooms aren’t the problem, his attitude is.

I tried to open this discussion with my partner. His first reaction was - it does not matter what child spends what time with us, they should decide it between them and be happy about it

I’d call the move off and probably the relationship.

You tried to have this discussion...?! Blended living is hard. These types of decisions are plentiful, if he’s hard work to have a discussion with, you’re not going to survive it. Of course you both want what’s best for your children, but you should be able to have a conversation about it.

Then he says ‘It doesn’t matter what child spends what time with us’ what he means is, ‘I will not consider that your sons needs might be different to my sons needs and his needs are not important to me’.

He’s told you very clearly how life is going to be. Do you really want to live like that?



If it was purely the rooms then DS gets the big room (him and all of his stuff are there all the time) and then see if his two have a preference, if they both want the same room then the eldest gets it until the eldest leaves school,, then they swap. Likely eldest wants the middle room, so he’s getting a better room than at his Mums and the youngest gets a room to himself, so he’s getting a better room than at his mums. That seems the fairest to me.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

15yo should get one of the bigger rooms as he would like to have his teenage friends around and have space for his instruments (piano, portable drums) oh no so you become the loud free home too! I’d be seriously discussing ground rules now

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Full time child gets first pick.

Although it was the opposite with me, my son got the smallest. Our child together stayed in our room for way too long! Because DP did not want to move his daughters two of which were part time. It was a sorry reflection of where we were in priorities.

I suspect the same for you. I’d challenge everything. Do not let this pass. Only when he’s got his head out from insisting his kids are first that it has a chance of success.

[VanGoghsDog]

Get a different house!

[IlikemyTeahot]

child who lives there full time should have biggest room as all his stuff will be there. 15 who already has a box room should have middle size and his younger brother should be fine with a box room considering he always has to share im sure he would be happy on his own, get him a high sleeper set up some lights and pillows Lego wall etc underneath basically put lots of effort into it to make it look amazing.

[blaaake]

Bloody hell, the step mum bashers are out in full force

[Ijustwantabloodyusername]

You do appear to be more rigid and pushy about this than your DP. He's merely pointed out that the kids should decide, yet you are more insistent on making the decision as long as it means your DS gets the better room

The way you describe the room for your DC and then your Step-Son is like two different houses.

Why not get a feel for what the children want, then take it from there. In a fairer way that your suggestion.

[takeittakeit]

seriously why do people bother posting on this topic.

They always want their DC to have the biggest, best room and the SKs to have the smallest cramped etc for what ever reason.

At the end of the day, you will be unhappy if your DC does not get what you want him to have.I think your DP is right let them decide.

[CotswoldStrife]

OP you clearly want your DS to have the 'sunny' room, but criticise your partner for wanting the best for his children which is what you want as well - you want the best for yours. This does not bode well for the future if you can't sort out the bedrooms!

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

FWIW when XDP and I were considering moving in together he said "your kids don't get the biggest rooms just because they're there more often, it's my kids' home too even if they're only there half the time" My kids stay once a week with their dad over summer and not at all over winter. (He has a mobile home and stays elsewhere when the park is shut). His DCs have a room each at their mum's house. These things apparently didn't make a difference to him and his DCs.

My solution was that between us, as the adults, we would choose which room was best for whom and the kids would have to put up with it and be grateful that they had a great new house to live in.

In the end there were so many other issues that the move didn't go ahead and we split up.

Leaving a bunch of kids to decide will end in carnage. However, you are both being a bit unfair on each other's kids. You are using very emotive language about the cold dark hovel your son will end up in, and yet expect his DCs to be happy with it even though their other home has a small room and a shared room.

If you and your DP can't discuss things like this without getting defensive this is going to get really hard really quickly! Have you had any counselling to set you up for this new adventure with some good ground rules? I really think it would be worth it.

[Prettylovely]

I wouldnt let them negotiate between them, I would give your son biggest sunny room as he is there full time, the eldest stepson the 2nd biggest room and younger stepson box room (youngest stepson will probably be thankful that they have a room of their own.) I would also try and see what the boys think before hand to see if they even care which room they have.