Holidays

[Magda72]

My dp is the sole financial provider for his three sons, 12, 15 & 18. Their dm is a sahm with no mortgage (house bought for her as part of divorce settlement) & a huge cash lump sum. She refuses to work & dh pays all dental, medical, school bills etc. plus 600 pounds a week maintenance. She has never once brought them on holidays - he does all that also - as she doesn't like traveling. Fair enough.
My exh & I split everything down the middle & he pays me the recommended nominal maintenance as I'm the rp.
Exh has only ever taken our kids on holidays once as he has two more & money can be tight. I've taken them every year quite happily & it was always my choice.
Dp & I live together & are now engaged. Dp is taking his kids on holidays again in June & suggested we all go together. I've said no as I genuinely can't afford it as I will need that money to pay for my half of the wedding. Exh also not doing a holiday this year due to finances so my kids will not get a holiday this year. Fair enough - it's really a first world problem.
However these situations really confuse me & I have very mixed feelings around them. I have NO emotional issue with dp taking his kids away & I certainly don't expect him to pay for my kids but it's weird having him discuss a holiday around me & my kids when he lives with us but we can't afford to go.
I also feel that with a wedding coming up he should be stepping back a little and using the money for that but is that silly/unfair of me? His kids have had one major holiday & 3 weekends away every year I've been with him - surely a cut back for one year wouldn't be the end of the world?
And in the future when I can't afford things or choose not to spend money while he does where does that leave us?
I'm not damning anyone here just wondering how others tackle this stuff when there are financial discrepancies & no shared kids?

Ok, that makes sense!

I think you have had some good advice on here.
I just wanted to say that I'm amazed a poster accused you of sounding bitter.
I think you seem incredibly accepting of the wider situation. And I can totally see why this whole thing re: wedding/holidays doesn't sit right.
I don't see the issue at all with telling children - who get holidays abroad every year and have very expensive school trips-
that for one year it's not happening. I don't think there is anything wrong with a father saying 'I want to get married, and have a great wedding with you all and this year we need to all make a small adjustment.'
I don't think it does any harm at all for children, especially teenagers, to see their parents as full human beings with occasional motivations that aren't centred around pleasing the children. A unspoilt teenager should say 'I'm happy for you dad, go for it'.

Also, I agree with others that a less expensive holiday that could include all would have seemed like a more obvious thing to do.

You acknowledge your independence and it seems to me that this situation didn't just arise from nowhere. I'm not saying it's your fault at all but it's the result of lots and lots of small decisions along the way, (including the way you split bills) but you have to talk to your husband to be about why this doesn't sit quite right and what is the 'spirit' you want to enter your marriage with.
Good luck OP and I hope everything works out. You sound very thoughtful, and considerate.

TBH I see it as his dc being his and his ex-w responsibilities, and your dc’s being yours and your ex-h. If anyone needs to be making sure your DCs get a holiday, it should be your ex-h. It seems like your poor DP is being asked to support both families.

God I think that's unfair.

If it was you taking your kids and his kids not getting to go all hell would break lose.

You live together, you are for all intents and purposes a family. Do not marry this man if he intends to keep "his life" seperate.

It's not fair on your children.

"Poor dp" pays 1/4 of the bills. Id say he's got it pretty good.

DP is being asked to support both families.

Hang on - isn't the OP the one paying for this holiday? It's DP (their own dad) who has said no... It's the OP who is the one supporting both families by paying for this holiday and also paying 75% of the cost of their home. The DP has it 0retty easy.

Maybe it doesn’t feel like a good idea to holiday together, because of not being very blended. You don’t have to force these things and risk a rumpus. It all goes around hopefully and maybe next time you and yours can go somewhere fab and your new hubby helps you out with the cost (maybe by indirectly funding more bills in the run up.). You might all feel happier if that was in the plan.