Holidays

[Magda72]

My dp is the sole financial provider for his three sons, 12, 15 & 18. Their dm is a sahm with no mortgage (house bought for her as part of divorce settlement) & a huge cash lump sum. She refuses to work & dh pays all dental, medical, school bills etc. plus 600 pounds a week maintenance. She has never once brought them on holidays - he does all that also - as she doesn't like traveling. Fair enough.
My exh & I split everything down the middle & he pays me the recommended nominal maintenance as I'm the rp.
Exh has only ever taken our kids on holidays once as he has two more & money can be tight. I've taken them every year quite happily & it was always my choice.
Dp & I live together & are now engaged. Dp is taking his kids on holidays again in June & suggested we all go together. I've said no as I genuinely can't afford it as I will need that money to pay for my half of the wedding. Exh also not doing a holiday this year due to finances so my kids will not get a holiday this year. Fair enough - it's really a first world problem.
However these situations really confuse me & I have very mixed feelings around them. I have NO emotional issue with dp taking his kids away & I certainly don't expect him to pay for my kids but it's weird having him discuss a holiday around me & my kids when he lives with us but we can't afford to go.
I also feel that with a wedding coming up he should be stepping back a little and using the money for that but is that silly/unfair of me? His kids have had one major holiday & 3 weekends away every year I've been with him - surely a cut back for one year wouldn't be the end of the world?
And in the future when I can't afford things or choose not to spend money while he does where does that leave us?
I'm not damning anyone here just wondering how others tackle this stuff when there are financial discrepancies & no shared kids?

I’m going against the grain here but I couldn’t be with someone that wouldn’t include my children in holidays too. You are not a distant gf, you are his soon-to-be wife and you all live together.
He sounds mean spirited to not offer to include your kids or offer to change holiday ideas to make it affordable. I could never in all conscience exclude my DP and his children from a holiday with us because he couldn’t afford to pay for them!
Going away with your own kids individually is fine but I couldn’t fathom a situation where I’m living with (and due to be married to) someone and pay for an expensive holiday without them whilst knowing they would like to come but couldn’t afford to.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like much of a partnership tbh.

Please dont blend your families, your DC are going to constantly feel like second class citizens, you are asking for so much trouble in the future. I can t believe he would take his kids on holiday and they will all come back and your kids sit on the side lines and listen to all their lovely stories. I would understand if he was to take his kids away as well as having a family holiday with all of you but to do this as the only holiday, its just nasty.

I am part of a blended family, I have one DC he has two - we have shared finances, he wouldnt dream of going on a family holiday without me and my dd, and nor would I. We have both been on separate breaks with our respective DC and plenty of together holidays. We split our household finances down the middle.

Are you seriously living in a household where you pay more because your two kids live there full time. Do you count out the chips each child gets at dinner time

I would re think your whole family set up, your children are going to constantly feel like they are worth less than their step siblings.

It doesnt sound like your DC actually see their step siblings. ..as your fiance's DC don't live with you and he visits them.

I know it's tricky. ..but isn't it a bit much pp expecting him to pay for his DC, as well as the OPs.

There probably does need to be a discussion of how finances will be going forward when you get married.

From his POV. ..he gas an Ex wife to support and now if he marries you...he has a further drain on his finances. ..if it were me in his position. ..I'd kind of be wondering what's in it for me and how this union is going to impact on finances.

It's tough. ..but I can see this from both sides.

I think as far as day to day living expenses or should be a 50/50 split though. ..that's for rent/mortgage. ..bills etc.

It's fine if you spend more on food and stuff.

Hi @SandyY2K - just to clarify, he doesn't view me as a drain on his finances as I'm not & have no intention of ever being so. Like you I've always worked & will continue to do so. Like you I cannot understand his exw & while I think he was nuts to concede to her I understand why he did.
You're right in that our dc don't get to see each other much - their ages, geography & some other stuff has deemed it so. One of the reasons we're buying a house together is to rectify this. We've spoken to the kids and they're in agreement with this & have no problem sharing bedrooms but they want a lot of living space as they all have very different interests so household costs will be split more evenly then.
I genuinely don't expect him to pay for my kids to go on holidays but the situation has thrown up questions in my head about how we tackle this stuff in the future. My dd querying things also makes me think - not just about this but about wider issues such as you & @NorthernSpirit have mentioned.
I think it's really complicated as there are no joint children & never will be.
My dp is great with my kids and very generous re birthdays etc. & in truth a lot of the financial blocks are probably mine as I have always had my own money & I have never been dependent on a spouse bar when my kids were babies. I'm also very aware that his kids 'normal' is a sahm who gets all her money from her exh. In the early days they queried my work, my salary & how I afforded my house - they assumed my ex paid for it all & actually asked if I also got money from their dad!!!

I suppose this is really making me see how complicated the practicalities & ethics of blended families are especially when the kids are older kids.
I'm also concerned about the subliminal messages all the kids may be receiving. As others have said it can't proceed with a them & us mentality & one lot getting more than the other.
He's just txted to say his exw is taking the dc away at Easter (first time ever). This will be good for them to get away with their dm & is totally her business & prerogative but that will mean they will have two major foreign holidays, 3 weekends away (also foreign) & a foreign school trip each this year!?!
Everyone's different & if my ex was in a position to do a foreign holiday any year I'd then do a staycation with the kids & a weekend away. They don't need two big, major foreign holidays each year - imo.

Btw thanks for all the input ladies - given me much food for thought 😊.

I am totally confused by the responses here. You live together, you are about to be married, which means that both of you are prepared to take the step to be not just emotionally committed but financially, yet when you tell your OH that you won't be able to join him and his kids on holiday because you can't afford it, he doesn't suggest to help?

I'm very independent and always to pay my way, hence always working FT, even when the kids were babies. OH and I have separate accounts and we like it like this BUT before we moved in together, we agreed that the fair system was that we each paid bills to the amount that meant we were left with a similar disposal income. That meant that he had to pay more and that his disposable income was less than it was before he met me, but that was part of the commitment. He doesn't have children, I have two, but holidays costs have always been split in two if we all got together.

I can't see a future wealthy marriage where he will continue to take his kids on holiday whilst you and your kids don't because you can't afford it. How can you avoid starting to feel resentful? Surely if that's how he conceives his life and relationship, you should have remained boyfriend/girlfriend?

The ex situation is irrelevant, it was agreed and that's how it is, but unless the reason why you don't have any money to go on holiday is because you don't budget your disposable income to save for it (after all, you and your kids could opt to spend money on designers clothes and accessories whilst he and his kids are happy with Primark), he should accept to contribute so that you and your kids can join the holiday (since clearly it's not a matter of him/them wanting to go alone).

I am more shocked by the fact that he only contributes a quarter to the household expenses. This leaves you with no cash for a holiday and him with extra spending money to enable his children to have more than one foreign holiday each year.
Doesn’t seem fair .

@SandyY2K I don’t think it is a bit much to offer to change the holiday plans to include all the family members now - because that’s what they are, they will be married soon.
It’s not necessarily about him “paying” for them but adapting their lifestyle so all of the children are treated fairly.
Imagine if it was the other way around and his children were the younger ones and their Stepmum was talking about these amazing holidays she’s taken children on that the SDCs weren’t coming on... she’d have had strips torn off her.
I just don’t see why people get married and live together if they’re going to retain this “his and mine” mentality. Thar is not a marriage, that’s simply having a wedding.
A marriage should be an equal partnership where even has the same standard of living, finances are split fairly so no one person is worse off than another and that includes any children that came before or will come after.
It’s irrelevant what holidays/trips they have with their mother but I would be heartbroken to be excluded from a trip with my DP and SDC’s because of finances.
I think it shows a deep rooted lack of consideration for you and your children.
You also cannot be so independent if you want a marriage, it isn’t just s legality it’s a commitment to be a partnership and if neither of you are going into it with that mindset then why don’t you just stay bf and gf?

When his children go into advanced education ( university) he no longer has to pay maintenance via CMS. He may still want to contribute to expenses but the arrangement will be between him and his child. Once the youngest child is 16 there is no "care" element in maintenance so surely his ex wife should get a job and any spousal maintenance can stop.

Also how are you splitting the house buy? Are you paying 75% of it and it’s respective bills? Because if you plan to do so then ensure that you have legal contracts in place that should you split then you receive 75% of any equity

Any tips on explaining this stuff to kids would be much appreciated!
I think it's very simple, parents are responsible for their own children, so you and your kids dad are responsible for them and your OH and his ex responsible for his kids. The fact that she's chosen not to work and live with the money she has is her choice, but like all choices, they can be great in the present time, but come to bit later, however, we are all responsible for the choices we make.

Dp & I live together & are now engaged. Dp is taking his kids on holidays again in June & suggested we all go together. I've said no as I genuinely can't afford it as I will need that money to pay for my half of the wedding.

Can you scale the wedding down and use the money on the holiday instead? Bringing the children together as family must be more important than a fancy wedding day, surely?

That’s if you can sort out your other financial issues - your arrangement with your DP is bonkers.

I can understand your frustration, this arrangement doens't sound very joint at all. You are two very separate people sharing a house.

He must earn a lot if he is paying ex £600 per week (is that correct?) and I don't understand why you are paying 3/4 of the household costs! I also don't understand the idea of you not being able to afford to go on the holiday because you have to pay for 'your half' of the wedding? Does this have to be split 50/50 down the line?

I have 2 dc of my own and 1 dc with my DH and we do things so we have the same amount of spends each month.

I don't think your situation could work for me at all. I know that your DP is not responsible for your DC legally but once a family is joined surely there should be a greater degree of finance sharing and I definitely wouldn't put my kids in an environment where they felt like the poor relations.

I sort of understand, having boys,the same age. I feel there are not many holidays left with them before they are too big!

So right now, having a fab holiday with them is a priority

I don't know, but he sounds like a decent guy, the way he settled with his ex, so I imagine he will be in future, with you, too?

How old are your kids btw?

I wouldn't expect my kids to miss their annual holiday so I can pay for a wedding. Scale it back - register office ceremony, pub lunch with immediate family

But going forward, yes absolutely you need to split the finances fairly. If you're married you can't have one partner less well off than the other, and one partner going on holiday while the other can't afford it. Even if there were no kids this still wouldn't be reasonable.

You need to sit down and discuss this before getting married.

You do sound like an independent woman OP. I see it's a tricky situation you're in.

What you said about his kids 'normal' being a mum who doesnt work is good for thought. That's going to be their view of women and they'll expect to be the financial providers to a degree.

Perhaps once your married, there needs to be contribution towards a joint pot, where thungd like bills, mortgage, holidays, food etc come out of...but also you both have some individual funds as well.

Apologies if it came out wrong...I didn't quite mean you were a drain on his resources as such...just that he may feel his money is going towards things it didn't before. I can see your switched on in how you operate.

You mentioned all the children needing space? Does thst mean his kids will be spending time in the new house...instead of him going to visit?

Thanks for the input guys. @swingofthings I'm laughing here as it's quite the reverse re clothes! It's my kids in primark & his in designer items! My kids have a phone each, his have phones, tablets, Iwatches, individual games consoles & TVs. Mine have a shared console & one tv.
This is all stuff bought by their dm which is her prerogative I'm just giving background to the situation & highlighting that between their df & their dm they get a lot of treats & are very well catered for by both parents.
I too understand he wants holidays with them & totally get he doesn't want to give that up.
I also have always told my kids that they are looked after by me & their dad (as you suggested) - I was just thrown by dd asking why her sm & dps ex don't financially contribute to their kids. That's a whole other conversation I need to have with her lol.
But as @lalaloopyhead pointed out while dp has no legal/financial obligations to my kids & vice versa I do think he (& I) have a obligation to more or less treat the kids the same. It's not really about the money it's about the attitudes to the money & the dc.
I don't want a fancy wedding at all but I do want to celebrate & that will cost a bit (large family, a lot of friends) which is why I've chosen to spend my money on that this year. My kids had a fab holiday last summer & went to London at Christmas for a show museums etc so I reckon they can survive a year without a foreign holiday! 😊
Dp comes from a large rural family. No one in his immediate or extended family has ever divorced let alone remarried! Neither has anyone in his friend group! He genuinely has no template for this & I honestly don't think he sees the bigger picture as he's never experienced this at all. He's not a mean person at all - far from it. I've never needed or wanted money from him so I just think he's very used to seeing us a financially separate.

Surely if you’re planning an imminent wedding and are living together finances should already be pooled? Your dp needs to look at your finances as a whole and work out whether you can all go on holiday!

This isn't just a problem this year either - what about next year when the wedding's out of the way and you want to plan a joint family holiday but his budget's much bigger than yours? Surely then you'll have to pool finances? I do feel for you OP - no easy solution, but you do need to feel you're on the same page going forwards.

Why on earth is he only paying 1/4 of the joint bills? That's crazy! No wonder you have no cash and he is able to afford flash holidays? You don't split finances per bedroom - that's bizarre.

Hit enter too soon...

If you didn't live together he would still need to fund a house adequate for his children to visit. How is living with you any different?

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, treating you like a wife to be when it suits, but a girlfriend when money is involved.

I really can't believe that he said nothing when your response to his suggestion of holidaying together was that you couldn't afford it. That would raise some warning bells for me.

Oh, it is weird he only pays 1/4 of the bills

I don't think it is - it was actually my idea. When he & ex divorced she wanted a new house so he kept the old home as a base for seeing his kids. He sees his kids there some weekends & some weekends they come to us (different town). He has to maintain this house - hence the paying 1/4.
We are now selling both houses to buy one large one & will split bills then.