Help. Step child's mother testing the boundaries

[Busymumoftwinsandboyof10]

I wonder if any of you fellow step parents can help. I am the mummy to 3 children 2 year old twin girls and a 10 year old. I have been with my OH for 4 years now (the twins are our children) and I have tried my best to get on with his 9 year old son. In the last 4 months it's got quite tough. When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in. Last week he came for his weekend and was asking my OH if he could sleep in our bed. (Suggesting that I get in with my 10y) When my OH requested this I said if you want to sleep together make a den or sleep in his room with him? I'm not leaving my bed. (If they were poorly it would be different of course!) but where does it stop? We have another 3 children in this house imagine if they all wanted to do that?!
I think the last straw is that his birthday this Wednesday he has requested that he goes to his favourite place for his meal and only his mum and dad go?!! (In essence I feel as his mum has planned this!) without discussion he has agreed to this. I'm confused and hurt for not only me but the rest of his family nana/grandad/aunty/sisters that won't get to spend time with him on his birthday too?! I feel as though boundaries are been tested and mixed messages are been sent to the child! I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

Your issue at the moment is more with your OH. If you both agree that there are behaviour issues, why isn't your OH dealing with it? If he wants to meet with the mum to discuss these, why isn't he informing you? You say he is in denial, but that could just mean that he doesn't agree with your views and isn't telling you directly because he doesn't want the conflict. Either way, it's time to talk.

Re. the birthday party, who has arranged it? If it's his mum and all those attending are from his school, or friends from mum's side, I can understand not inviting your DS. It sounds like they are not very close if your DS wouldn't invite him to his. It's more difficult to exclude the other way around, but I wouldn't have forced your DS to invite him if again, most of your DS's friends were kids from his school that your SS didn't know, unless of course they go to the same school.

Encouraging children to lie or telling them it's okay is not acceptable. Your OH should be having words with his Ex about it. The problem comes from the parents.

Is your SS just wanting a meal with his mum and dad...with no friends? If so that's different to him having a party with friends and not inviting your DS.

What about another celebration with all of you and him?

Hi @Busymumoftwinsandboyof10 - I think you're getting unfairly flayed alive here which is just so typical!
FWIW I'm a mum so I'll give you my viewpoint if you'd like it.
When my eldest turned 18 he asked for me, his dad & his two siblings to all go for a meal together. Ex & I had been separated 5 years at this stage and he had a gf (the ow who is now his dp). Ex refused to go unless gf was invited. Ds said no - it was nothing personal as he didn't wanted extended family or friends there & that if he was doing that of course she would be invited but on his actual birthday he just wanted his mum, dad & siblings. Ex refused point blank & really, really upset ds.
So, if your dss just wants his mum & dad there fine, but if he's aiming for a 'party' & is excluding you & the other kids that's not right & shouldn't be indulged. You spoke to your ds about hurt feelings & your oh should be doing same for dss.
My kids now have two half siblings (2 & 3) on their dads side. My daughter (now 12) was very resistant initially & insisted on calling them her half brothers. Again ex lost it & told her she HAD to call them her brothers. I told him to cop on and let her process it in her own time. Now she's mad about them and calls them her brothers all the time - sometimes kids just need time.
My kids have had to adjust to their half siblings (using term for clarity) living full time with their dad while they don't. I have always put a positive spin on this ie. explaining the realities of divorce & nrp/rp to them & explaining that it wasn't them their dad left it was me & that now he just parents in a different way. They are very well adjusted kids & so I don't buy into this stuff that kids who don't live with their dad full time suffer because other kids do! When the adults handle it in a positive way the kids adjust.
To this point I have always given them permission to like their sm. What I mean by this is that I encourage their relationship with her, tell them how good she is to them, chat to her & their siblings on drop offs & tell them "her house her rules" if they come moaning to me.
I would in NO WAY call to ex's house ad hoc to step in on discipline - I'd phone ex & chat about it if I'd any concerns. I think your ohs exw was totally in the wrong here & I agree with others that your dss is playing his parents and succeeding.
A therapist friend once said to me that unless bio parents (again term usage for clarity) encourage & let kids enjoy their step families blending will never work.
I see that in my situation where my kids are good but my dps kids (whose dm hates me) are struggling as she criticizes every single thing I or dp does re his kids - we can't win.
You really need your oh on board here & I'm appalled he's going behind your back. He & his ex are really doing his ds no favours in the long run & are fueling his distress rather that alleviating it by helping him adjust to his new reality.
Tell him you know they met & get to the bottom of why his ds is being indulged to the detriment of family life.
Good luck & btw you don't sound irrational at all.

Step parenting is hard enough with a supportive husband who puts boundaries in place.

I don't think could do it with a husband who lies and also lets the step kid get away with bad behaviour. Imagine what he'll be like once the teenage hormones kick in! And how unfair it must seem to your kids.

I hate to say it but I'd be thinking about whether this has a future.

Cherryontop I second every point you made (yesterday). It’s about dss learning to respect the new dynamics and getting the correct support to do so. My dss started dictating how things were going to be aged 9, dh let him get away with it and it almost split us up.

At 23 now, he’s still trying to exclude me from holidays..

Just to comment on the party, my children got along very well with her step-siblings, especially DD, but they never invited each other to the birthday parties that were arranged by myself or their SM.

It doesn't really matter that they might not have the same group of friends
I think it does. I asked my DD once if she wanted to invite her SS, but she said that it would be a bit awkward, as she would have to introduce to her school friends which would most likely have led to explaining her family situation and she would have felt under pressure to insure that her SS wasn't left behind etc...

I guess it depends on the type of party and who organised it. If OP's DS and SS are not close, she would be unlikely to insist that his SS had to be there. That's of course different if it's OP's DP who organised it all and the party takes place when he is under his care.

It’s about dss learning to respect the new dynamics
That's what my kids' SM view. No flexibility, my kids had to adjust to the new dynamics and any deviation from this was them dictating their lives. It worked of with DD because the dynamics suited her, it didn't for my DS. He went there feeling unhappy, to the point when he started to feel down days before going in anticipation. He tried to talk about his feelings but was told that 'it's how it is here, you need to accept it'. It resulted in him finally taking the steps to stop going all together.

His dad is now miserable because he feels rejected and doesn't understand why. I did try to tell him at the time that he needed to focus not just on our DS accepting the dynamics of his new family, but also focusing on our DS needs and make him look forward to go there but he told me it had nothing to do with me. I'd much rather my DS had contact with his dad because I know that deep inside, it is impacting on him psychologically, but I can't force him.

So all very well to expect all efforts to come on the part of the SC, but it often backfires. I think in this case, OP's partner is recognising that there are issues and is trying to identify what they are, but I do agree that he should be discussing this with OP even if it raises conflict.

I've been a stepmum for ten years and I think you've fallen into the "treating them all the same" trap. The boy isn't really yours to discipline. He clearly doesn't like you nor want to be near you. His dad needs to make him lunch and his dad needs to be disciplining him. And your DH needs to be willing to do this. You need to be like a fun auntie and let the rest go. I don't have a problem with him wanting a meal with just hi parents. It's his birthday not his wedding. But if it carries on as it is you well may not be at that either. I think you need to massively lower your expectations. And no I wouldn't be booted out of my own damn bed. And it's ludicrous your DH asked you to go sleep with your son.

Sorry I just read about your DH lying to you. You've got way bigger problems than this boy. You've got a partner who is a grown man that thinks it's ok to lie. This is a whole lot uglier than just an acting up kid. I'd be looking for couples counselling but honestly this one might be a goner. Your partner has no loyalty to you.

@wetwipeofwonder I agree with the OH issue. I would love to be the fun auntie and not discipline him. I try my best not to. So does that work the other way around then? Should my OH be like the fun uncle to my son and not disciplinine him?

No, not if they live together full time. But I would expect him to leave it to you as much as he can. But honesty never mind the kids....or the biomum...this isn't remotely about any of them. You need your relationship sorted and solid with him or you need an exit plan.

Could you interpret the Birthday meal like Xmas? A lot of adults meet up with family that they see once a year and make pleasantries for a few hours until the following year. If dsd has invited mum's partner or maternal grandparents you'd naturally think but it's just a couple of hours tops once a year.

Yanbu about the secret meetings and the bed issue.

With regards to the lying, what was his Dad doing while his Mum and you did the parenting?

There seems to be a consistent theme during the original post - your h is seemingly not doing any of the parenting! (The sandwich story is classic example of this) As he's not parenting, he looks like the fun guy who does the rugby etc while you end up looking like the bad guy for having (very reasonable!) rules like no fibs. What is your h's opinion on the lies? My guess is that this comes up during the meetings with his ex and he might have a crazy opinion like if you ignore it then he'll stop doing it. If the parents believe that then you're screwed and will never teach him that lesson.

With the bed thing, I don't understand why he didn't just get some sheets and make a camp in the living room or whatever when asked to co-sleep? Would he have asked one of dss siblings for their bed if dss wanted it? Bet not!

It's great that dss gets one on one time with his Dad but parenting is more than going to sport events. Does your 10 year old son not feel like he's missing out when they are going to all of these activities that many boys their age enjoys?

I'm quite lucky that my 10 year old is quite laid back in the respect he's easily pleased. I do take him swimming last thing on a Sunday I which I tried my best to work around drop off times for SS. It's quite difficult trying to amuse 2 toddlers while a lesson goes on so my OH has them. I don't think that an 8 year old requesting to go out with just his parents for his bday is that big of a deal. The collective of me been asked to leave my bed, the acting up, to be fair he hardly says a word to me when he's here these days, the secret meetings and no discipline to the SS and exclusion of his SB to his party is all a bit much. We only seem to do the fun things when he's here too. It all seems a bit one sided. I know parenting is not easy but there is only so many slaps in the face you can take 😕

Is this birthday request coming from DSS or is this his mum putting words in the boys ear? That comment about your work is not something an 8yo would say/have any concept of.

My OH DD is reported to say an AWFUL lot, like the fact that she doesn't want to go on holiday abroad where she's been with her dad and families over the years, like she only wants to go for a week, like she doesn't want to spend time with me/OH, her and my DS.

ALL of it is a complete fabrication. The ex is a fantasist and we regularly get missives about the telly we watch or the activities we do not being 'girly' enough' It's all a load of utter bollocks.

I worry about the meet up. either he's complicit (huge problem) or he's totally naive and doesn't realise that the Ex is really causing massive problems here on purpose and he is being played like a violin, which is also a problem, as you are going to lose respect for him PDQ.

I am leaning towards thinking that you might have a DH problem first and foremost.

A decent H would be the first to say 'DS, of course Busymum is not leaving her bed so you can get in' He would either say to DSS to go back to bed or he'd go and be with him. at the least, he'd do this to not disturb your sleep.

He would actively discuss lying and biting and suggest an apology is owed to your DS

WRT the party, his mother can arrange a party for DSS and he can invite who he likes, you and your family do something separate, but you and DS are to be included. there is engineering going on here and it's not pretty. Time to call a halt to it now. take back control.

We also tend to do 'fun stuff' when OH DD is down, but that is mostly because it's more fun with us all there and the 2 kids get on really well and it's great to share. we have done some things as a 3 and then gone and done them again when DD is down. Perhaps that is down to you to push a little more? Establish some fun stuff when DSS isn't there?

We had a bit of DSD telling us what she wanted to do on holidays/beaches/restaurants on our last holiday etc. 2 days in and I stopped that. her dad wanted everyone to be happy, he said it was her wanting to share her favourite places with us, which I get and appreciate, but I wanted HIM to have the holiday he paid for, not an 11 yo calling the shots.

Next time we are going somewhere none of us have ever been, so it will be a discovery for us all and the only people calling the shots will be those paying for the holiday or cooking in the villa :D

I understand the 9yo asking to sleep in the bed and implying that you sleep elsewhere, but are you saying that your OH actually asked you to go and sleep with your 10yo? Or was he just telling you what the 9yo had asked? I can't imagine someone actually asking this of their partner!

We only seem to do the fun things when he's here too

You need to arrange stuff even when he's not there and also spend one on one time eith your eldest...you can leave the toddlers with dad.

That also gives your eldest a break from his little siblings.