Help. Step child's mother testing the boundaries

[Busymumoftwinsandboyof10]

I wonder if any of you fellow step parents can help. I am the mummy to 3 children 2 year old twin girls and a 10 year old. I have been with my OH for 4 years now (the twins are our children) and I have tried my best to get on with his 9 year old son. In the last 4 months it's got quite tough. When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in. Last week he came for his weekend and was asking my OH if he could sleep in our bed. (Suggesting that I get in with my 10y) When my OH requested this I said if you want to sleep together make a den or sleep in his room with him? I'm not leaving my bed. (If they were poorly it would be different of course!) but where does it stop? We have another 3 children in this house imagine if they all wanted to do that?!
I think the last straw is that his birthday this Wednesday he has requested that he goes to his favourite place for his meal and only his mum and dad go?!! (In essence I feel as his mum has planned this!) without discussion he has agreed to this. I'm confused and hurt for not only me but the rest of his family nana/grandad/aunty/sisters that won't get to spend time with him on his birthday too?! I feel as though boundaries are been tested and mixed messages are been sent to the child! I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

I have to say the title of the thread is somewhat misleading it’s not the mother testing boundaries but the child who in just over a year found out his df gf who had a child similar age to him was pregnant with twins and who all live together. There hasn’t been much time realistically to blend and get to know op before she was pregnant to be honest now a further 2 years on there’s problems. Blending families takes hardwork and a lot of patience and time. Sounds like he feels insecure about his role within his fathers side of the family and how he has a completely new family he doesn’t life with. A meal with both his parents isn’t realistically going to cause that much harm.

I wouldn’t have my 9 yr old dss in my bed (same rules for my own dc when they were that age) as it would be a pita!

Not sure why mum was needed to come over during dads time? Unless dad couldn’t handle the issue (not mum or dss’s fault in that case).

As for the birthday meal, my opinion is it could be confusing/unhelpful for dss but if he’s requested it & your partner has agreed to it then it’s hardly mums fault?

Maybe talk through all this with your DP & explain how you feel & agree some boundaries & strategies together?

OK so imagine the same scenario a few years on but it's you and your H who have split up. Your little twins go to stay with him and his new wife. They, by this time, have added even more children and say have two more who are younger than your twins. What would you say to their new 'Stepmother'? How would you feel if your twins told you they didn't like Stepmother, that they missed you and wanted to phone you when they were at their Dad's, that they want to snuggle up with Dad in bed but Stepmother doesn't like it. Can you, for a moment, imagine that your twins may, just may try to manipulate the situation, playing off their Dad against new Stepmother? Of course they would! That's what children do!

I wouldn't encourage any child of that age to be sleeping in the same bed as parents. I'd be agreeing with new step mother!

Fwiw I have no issue with the phone call to be honest altho if it was my child is 're assure over the phone and suggest speaking to dad.

sorry I know you didn't ask me

Enid, I don't think anyone is 'encouraging'. My children always co slept until they reached secondary school. Nothing wrong with it. Most human beings enjoy human warmth and comfort, why should it be different for children?
The little boy is 9 ffs. He's away from his Mum and he wants to snuggle with his Dad

Yes but not everyone is you and not everyone thinks there is nothing wrong with it. For me there is everything wrong with it in that a) I'm not going to be kicked out of my own bed nor woild I expect anyone else to be and b)I don't like having anyone else in my bed but dp. I cannot sleep with ds in my bed so unless he was v Ill it wouldn't happen.

Nothing wrong with cuddles before bed or in the morning but expecting someone else to vacate their bed is unreasonable no matter who you are.

Fwiw I dont look at my 9 year old as a really little child who needs to co sleep, He doesnt he has his own bed. And I also would agree with the step mother he can sleep in his own bed.

I think a few people have picked up on what's going on here. I have a 8 year old that is calling all the shots. In our family house where there is 4 children which they all have to be taken into consideration. His behaviour is getting worse as will all children's (my own included) that have no boundaries. I guess the thing with his mum coming to the house, yes that's a great thing to do but what kind of message does that send to the child? As parents are we not meant to be showing a united front? It's showing to the child he can like he wants then when he gets told off for it he calls his mum!? Surly it's better for the child to show consistency? It's not the first that this has happened, The first time is when he smacked another child in the face with a cup for taking the last Dorito! The behaviour has got worse since this first incident. Before this he saw a united front from his dad and partner.
I have no qualms whatsoever with him sleeping with his son. (Snore free evening who wouldn't?!) I suggested on making a den with him, camping out in the lounge or sleeping in his own room with him. I don't have the children in our bed for one reason. If one is in who's to argue there all not getting in?! My son has wanted to sleep with me in the past but I have been firm and the twins haven't slept a night in our bed ever they went in there own room as soon as they could and they prefer it. I'm wanting to work at this and have a great family home but it's hard when it's one rule for 3 and no rules for one! 😕

I’m totally with you on the bed and other boundaries issue. It’s very hard in the 2 home scenario if you don’t get full support from both sides.

Op you are totally right.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to spend time with just his parents in an attempt to emulate what he has lost even just for a few hours. It must be hard on him. I think that you are being quite harsh and his mother has noticed and is stepping in to support him.

I don’t agree with co sleeping at all, never done it with my son. A few years back my step son would wake up constantly saying he’d had a bad dream and my DP couldn’t be bothered to get up and take him back so SS used to play him and do it and get in bed coz he knew he could, I used to then poke DP constantly and tell him to take SS back to bed, couldn’t sleep with him in there at 7/8 years old, the child used to snore like a trooper too, (finally just had his tonsils out).

Again op this is what happens when you try blending too quickly you weren’t together long before you were pregnant and moved in with your child. It didn’t give him a long term to develop a bond with your or adjust to the situation and it’s maybe his way of acting out. It’s been a rather lot to take on in the last 4years is it not? The bed sharing I don’t agree with but I think he is a very unhappy child if his mother is having to come and calm him down, remember she didn’t just take him away she sent him back in.

So update. Ever feel like your fighting a loosing battle. I got told this morning that my OH and ex was seen in the pub around the corner from where he works from home on Monday lunch time. This is a woman that he protests to hate??!! We have all 4 children this eve so I havent said anything yet.
Then Stepchild said to his dad tonight just in ear shot before bed "Why is it you let her get away with not going to work but you sent my mum back to work when I was a baby!?" I do work 3 days a week but he's never here when I'm on my way there. I'm beginning to think there is something more going on here....

Is it a bad thing meeting in the pub it sounds like they got together because they have concerns about their child? He might be putting aside the hate to help their child who is clearly struggling.

I feel a bit sorry for the boy as he is only 9. I have an 8 year old - he sometimes acts up, occassionally hits his brother, tells lies etc but he is young and still learning. You seem to judge this boy a bit harshly - he annoys you. You don't really speak positively about him at all.

If my DP ever saw or was meeting his ex he would tell me, he would then talk about what was said on his return, so out of respect he should’ve mentioned this to you IMO.

That comment would fuck me off no matter who's mouth it came out of. Let's face it he hasn't thought that up himself has he.

Anyone having secret meetings with their ex is not someone id want to be in a relationship with op.

If dp has ever had to meet with his ex he's told me when, where and suggested I go every time and someone to go wiyh ex for moral support. She says no every time. and tries to get him back every time

Maybe ops dp knows he gets hassle if he meets up to discuss his child.

What would you have said if he told you he was meeting his ex to talk about their son?

I'm sure he would get less "hassle" if he just told his partner the truth?

But is it a bad thing really? Here’s a child who clearly is not handling things well the mother has had to come out to calm her son down. Surely for co-parenting to be successful parents should put their differences aside and if met up to discuss their child if needed. Me and ex but went to met a teacher about his progress at school he even dropped me off home, when DS going to look at primary schools we went together each other’s parents weren’t involved when we did these things for the purpose of our child.

It's not a bad thing them meeting up, no. It's a bad thing not telling your partner you are meeting with your ex, under any circunstances. It's lying by ommision and yes I would say that is generally a shitty thing.

Maybe I'm not coming across correctly. I would love to have a positive happy family life and I'm trying my best to include all the children as a collective. I'm the most laid back person you would ever meet. My OH family has even said I don't know how you keep your calm and they don't see the half of it. If he would of said that he needs to go and chat with her that's fine,but to do this on the Qt then begs the question of trust? I'm trying to do the best for the child by setting boundaries of the simplest of things so the whole family know where we stand surly that's common sense?
We used to have a great relationship, he used to request that I took him instead of his dad sometimes as iceskating and swimming was our thing. I've known him since he was 4 years old. I think talking in here has made me realise that probably due to the guilt my OH feels he makes excuses for him which only make things worse. He will only carry on as his behaviour is never questioned. Which is naturally going to cause resentment.

Wow, I couldnt be with my partner if he lied like that, Totally weird especially if he pretends to hate her, I suppose theres also the possibility that he tells her you are a nightmare, Your Dp is your biggest problem here reminds me of an ex I once had a complete drama queen. Turned me against his family and his family against me, He has since done it to his new partner. Very strange. You need to tell him you know.