Help. Step child's mother testing the boundaries

[Busymumoftwinsandboyof10]

I wonder if any of you fellow step parents can help. I am the mummy to 3 children 2 year old twin girls and a 10 year old. I have been with my OH for 4 years now (the twins are our children) and I have tried my best to get on with his 9 year old son. In the last 4 months it's got quite tough. When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in. Last week he came for his weekend and was asking my OH if he could sleep in our bed. (Suggesting that I get in with my 10y) When my OH requested this I said if you want to sleep together make a den or sleep in his room with him? I'm not leaving my bed. (If they were poorly it would be different of course!) but where does it stop? We have another 3 children in this house imagine if they all wanted to do that?!
I think the last straw is that his birthday this Wednesday he has requested that he goes to his favourite place for his meal and only his mum and dad go?!! (In essence I feel as his mum has planned this!) without discussion he has agreed to this. I'm confused and hurt for not only me but the rest of his family nana/grandad/aunty/sisters that won't get to spend time with him on his birthday too?! I feel as though boundaries are been tested and mixed messages are been sent to the child! I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

To be honest, it's your Dss's birthday. Surely he should be allowed to choose how he spends it,

It's only a few hours so I'd say , ok, we'll save you presents and cake for next time you visit. Maybe you really trying has gone a bit far and he wants to have some downtime with just his mum & dad.

Why do you think his mum has planned this? It sounds more likely to me to have come from DSS? Especially if he’s feeling a little insecure at the moment (which the request to sleep with his dad also seems to indicate). I think it’s ok for him to choose how he spends his birthday.

At 9 I would have traded everything I had for a couple of hours with my parents together on my birthday. If his parents are happy to do this, don't be the one that stops it. If you did your dss wouldn't forgive you.

Sorry OP, honestly not meaning to stepmother-bash you as I think it’s the hardest job in the world, but what was wrong with his Mum turning up to chat to him and calm him down (presumably he’d contacted her in a state of sadness) and then send him back in? That sounds like appropriate behaviour from her - surely it would have been worse if she’d left with him in a huff?

Stepmum to a now grownup step daughter, plus a stepchild myself here. I think you are right about not giving up your bed, but should encourage the birthday meal with his mum and dad, if the mum and dad can manage it without rancour. It’s complicated, but as a pp said one of the worst things as a stepchild is never having both parents together. One of the other really bad things, however well you get on with them is always having to tolerate your step-family being there, when just now and then it would be a nice treat not to have to.

Absolutely nothing to do with his mother. Hell she came and calmed him down - not her responsibility on his fathers time but the sign of an engaged caring mother.
She did not take him away.

To be honest he is 9 - twins take up alot of everyones time and I bet he feels insecure.

One thing me twunt of an EX and I agreed on form the start. We took the DCS out on their birthday for a meal - nothing flash but it was important that they knew their parents were there for them and were on the same page - they did not need to repeat themselves and we both heard what they wanted over the next year, what was bothering them etc.

This is your insecurity and to be honest you are sounding a tad selfish and childish.Ex is not testing boundaries - she is being a good Mum.

tolerate your step-family being there

Wow, nice to know I am only ever goinh to be tolerated. Same for my son who is actually step son's half brother.

Lovely.

Enid, It's not about you. It's about a young boy (in this case) who'd like to spend a small amount of time with his own parents together in he same room.
Can't you be an adult and understand that

I know it's not about me but its a big generalisation to make that kids only tolerate their step family and half siblings.

If i said i only tolerated my step child id be ripped to shreds.

Fwiw id be fine about the meal (once for his birthday) but not the bed sharing and certainly not someone "tolerating" their half sibling.

As a stepmum, you need to let DSS have dinner with his mum and dad with good grace. It's not about you.

I agree with the bed thing, DSC never showed any desire to sleep in bed with DH past the age of about 5.

On the fathers time I don’t think the boy should be ringing the mum. How does he ring her? Does he have his own phone? By ringing his mum and her turning up it’s interfering with dads time. Dad needs to sort these things out. The boy shouldn’t be ringing his mum (and she shouldn’t be pandering to him). She should leave the dad to parent. You can’t control her though so can you OH work with the boy?

Don’t agree with a 9 year old sleeping in your bed and you expecting to turfed out. I also have a 9 year old DSS and I wouldn’t put up with this. No problem at all with the kids coming into the bed for cuddles with dad (at which point I give them some time alone). But no to sleeping with dad. They are old enough to sleep in their own beds. Sounds like he’s trying to undermine you. He thinks he’s the alpha male.

Personally I think the birthday request is strange. Of course all kids want their mum and dad together. I think it sends out the wrong message to the child about his mum and dads relationship and it undermines your relationship. Have you been invited along as well? I wouldn’t be comfortable about that - not because your partner is with the ex but because it’s odd. They are not a couple. Fine if you are invited.

This boy sounds like he is insecure and calling the shots. Dad needs to spend time with him.

I think you were right about your bed but the rest sounds find.
The ideal is that your DH and his ex have a good relationship right?
It doesn't sound like mum undermined dad - she spoke to DS and sent him back in.
It seems like you might be feeling territorial about 'your time' and that is getting in the way of doing what's best for your step son, which is all the adults in his life getting along.

From what you've written, it sounds like right now, he just doesn't like you. Maybe your ways are very different to what he is used to and it is making him feel unsecure and unhappy. As others have said, it sounds like his mum is actually trying to get him to work through it and indeed, the fact she spoke to him then rather than took him back with her shows her commitment to the arrangement, not the other way around.

The fact that your OH has agreed to exclude you from the birthday meal would indicate that he supports his son's feelings (without forcibly disagreeing with yours).

I think you need to work on your relationship with your DS and try to understand why he feels the way he does. You said you had to pull him up when he lied. Did he really or did he say something you didn't like? Maybe it would be better at this stage to let your partner have these discussions with his son rather than you.

If he is testing boundaries its because he's feeling insecure, which the bed incident seems to suggest too. You haven't said what he was lying or your reaction to it but the fact his mum was there for her son calmed him down and sent him back in sounds like she did exactly the right thing. Why shouldn't he have a birthday meal with just his parents, its a lovely thing to do. A meal doesn't take a whole day so he can still see family or see them at the weekend.

Thanks for your messages guys. I probably needed to give you a little more information in relation to this as I probably made it sound like I'm been a bit selfish. This child in the past has told his dad I have said or done things that I simply have not. Little things like telling his dad I wouldnt make him a sandwich but when I asked he said no, his exact words... "you have nothing in that fridge I like!" But then for his dad to come down and make him a sandwich with the exact cheese I offered him. When I went to check on him while he was awake at 4am he told his dad I told him to be quiet or told him to shut up. I could go on... I have tried to do my best, not by over doing it with him but by treating all 4 children the same. And my other half does spend quite a bit of time with him as on his weekend he spends Fridays eves at cricket, Saturdays mornings swimming and all day Sunday at Rugby. Just him and his son. Which is their time and that's fine. We also having him for tea during the week and sleepover So I don't think selfishness comes into it. I manage to get a swimming lesson in there for my boy for half an hour. I'm just concerned about the mixed messages that it's giving to the child as it seems he's learning very quickly how to drive a wedge between us.

Sounds like he thinks you're the reason his parents aren't together. Does his mum have a partner? If so is the boy doing similar to her OH?
If your OH and his ex get on well enough to go out to dinner they need to have a chat with each other and then present a united front to their son and try and find out whats going on. It sounds like he's unhappy despite you and OH doing all the right things.

Whether he does believe his lies or making them maliciously, the outcome is indeed that he doesn't like you. For him to actually call his mum to ask her to calm him down would indicate that it is more likely to be the former and it is leaving him quite upset.

I agree about the mixed messages, but not specifically in relation to the birthday meal, more about the difference in interpretation of your relationship, so that really should be your focus.

How did you confront him when you accused him of lying? Was it in front of his dad or when he was on his own?

It does sound like he's hoping, in his 9 yr old way, that if you are out of the bed, mum and dad take him out on his birthday etc, there is still a chance they may get back together.

Agree it would be helpful if your OH and his mum could get to the bottom of this and explain you are not the reason they are not together and they both love him but are not getting back together.

I would agree if the relationship was new, but OP said they've been together 4 years and the behaviour is more recent, so a bit odd that he would suddenly have come up with this idea that his parents could now get back together if he were to lie and make OP looks bad.

Enid yep, sorry but you can’t change the way you feel. I like my step-family on my dads side, but just occasionally I’d like to see my dad on his own. Fortunately being an adult step child in this situation has made me a much better stepmother over the years, because I totally get it, so have always accepted that I play a fringe role in my DSD’s life. She had to behave properly to me, that goes without saying, but her primary bond was always to her mum and dad, so I ensured that was facilitated by not always butting in and insisting on coming along. I knew the situation when I got involved with DH (long after his divorce in case you are wondering) and knew that until DSD grew up she would be his main priority. Children don’t have a choice in these matters so you can’t expect them to ‘fall in love’ with their stepfamilies. They just have to behave in an acceptable manner and it’s unrealistic to expect more, though great if it does happen. DSD and I have a great relationship now she is grown up because of that, and she still has time on her own with her dad when she wants it. She also wants to do stuff all together fairly often or occasionally just me and her.

And I might add DSD is extremely close to our sons, they are her half-brothers but she treats them as brothers completely.

You only been together 4 years and have 2 year of twins so from that I imagine that there timelines been rather short from meeting you, moving in and you falling pregnant. He is clearly reacting to the situation at hand. My DS was abit upset when his DF and DW were having a baby and they been together 7 years. He was concerned about his own place within the family. Even now he is having issues with his SM mainly in relation to wanting extra food because he’s hungary, having no choice in clothing he wears, the activities he does etc he too is 9 so it might be an age thing I don’t know but he seems to have taken a dislike to her recently even though she had been around 7 years the same as my DH but he has no issues with him.

As mother I try to stay out of things but on occasion he has rung to ask to come home and I’ve told him to ask his dad and he has come back early. I see no wrong in his mother trying to calm down the situation and encouraged him to come back into the house. As for he meal if it helps him does it matter in the grant scheme of things? It’s not really something I would do but then Ds was a baby when me and ex split up so he knows no different. I would draw the line with the bed. I have to say as a mother of a 9 year old they can be extremely hardwork.

The behaviour may be more recent but he is only 9 and his understanding changes as he grows, plus these 2 twins have arrived like a bomb shaking things up.

What might have been OK for him at 7, isn't necessarily going to be OK for him at 9. Your DH needs to get to the bottom of what is going on with him and causing his distress - reassuring him he does love him forever and ever but also you are here to stay, so are the twins and he does need to behave.

And I might add DSD is extremely close to our sons, they are her half-brothers but she treats them as brothers completely

So she doesn't just tolerate them then?

What would you do if your 10 year old or one of your twins wanted to co sleep? Would you sleep on the floor or would your DP sleep elsewhere or would you sleep in the DC bed? Where does DSS sleep when he's visiting - doesn't he have a bed to himself that he and DP could've shared, as it seems odd that wasn't an option. He doesn't have to sleep on a fold out in the lounge does he?

As for birthday, yabu - even as adults, my sibling and I relish any opportunity for just our parents rather than steps too, and we genuinely really get on well with our steps. You don't want any resentment, which would cause really longterm consequences for the whole family. Let him have his day.

Unclear how your DSS's DM us in any way overstepping any boundaries at all, based on the info you've given.