Help. Step child's mother testing the boundaries

[Busymumoftwinsandboyof10]

I wonder if any of you fellow step parents can help. I am the mummy to 3 children 2 year old twin girls and a 10 year old. I have been with my OH for 4 years now (the twins are our children) and I have tried my best to get on with his 9 year old son. In the last 4 months it's got quite tough. When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in. Last week he came for his weekend and was asking my OH if he could sleep in our bed. (Suggesting that I get in with my 10y) When my OH requested this I said if you want to sleep together make a den or sleep in his room with him? I'm not leaving my bed. (If they were poorly it would be different of course!) but where does it stop? We have another 3 children in this house imagine if they all wanted to do that?!
I think the last straw is that his birthday this Wednesday he has requested that he goes to his favourite place for his meal and only his mum and dad go?!! (In essence I feel as his mum has planned this!) without discussion he has agreed to this. I'm confused and hurt for not only me but the rest of his family nana/grandad/aunty/sisters that won't get to spend time with him on his birthday too?! I feel as though boundaries are been tested and mixed messages are been sent to the child! I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

@Enid why is this so upsetting to you? You need only think about it from a different perspective, it's not hard to understand that a young child might want to celebrate his birthday with the two people he most loves in the world

pasta if you read my comment I said i wouldn't have a problem with that.

What is that so many SMs get upset that a child god forbid wants to phone their other parent when they are with the other one.

it is not natural to stop all contact for x days with a parent because they are separated.

I do get it can be annoying - EX now phones DCs morning and evening, it gets a bit wearing but seriously theyc aht to him, up date him on school, talk Star Wars, football matches etc -that is more normal than this - my time /no contact / do not mention your mother/father exists, think abut her etc that so many people on here advocate.

YOu do nto stop ebing a parent because your child is with their other parent, likewise a child does not stop thinking abut a parent because they are not with them.

YOur DC is quite clearly telling you - he is insecure, he wants his Dad and not you, your animosity whether you realise it or not - is being picked up on. I would not agree to the bed thing but the rest is normal

I also agree 4 yrs, 2 yr old twins is alot of change in a short space of time. There is no wedge, you are making it - he is pushing as kids always do and this has nothing to do with his mother. Does he have his own space in your house or has that changed with the twins arrival on the scene.

His behaviour is teling you both that he is unsettled -figure it out and reassure him

@Lifeandtheuniverse - if I remember you’re not a SM?

I totally agree it’s not natural to stop contact with another parent. But have you any idea how many mothers do it? This board is rife with dads (via SM posts) who aren’t ‘allowed’ to speak to their own children.

The reason why it’s disruptive for a child to speak to the other parent is that it disrupts dads time.

My OH is only ‘allowed’ to phone his children 3 times a week at a specific time. If he asks to shift the time by 5 mins (because he is stuck in work or on a train for example) the request is flatley refused.

My OH is ‘allowed’ to see his children only EOW. During this limited time (less than 48 hours) the mother rings constantly and disrupts the fathers time. My OH says he won’t drop to her standards but when I see her calls upsetting the children or putting pressure in them I believe it’s wrong. If a dad can go 2 weeks without seeing the kids and go 3 days without being ‘allowed’ to speak to his own children then she can see what it’s like. Now if the kids wanted to speak to mum them of course they would never be stopped, however they have never asked and don’t seem bothered.

So she doesn't just tolerate them then?
well Enid maybe she does. DSD didn’t choose for her parents to split up so obviously the arrangements will never be her first choice, I can live with that and not take it personally. Small boys can be a pita sometimes after all.

Im gonna go against the grain here and say I agree with the OP.
A 9 year old should not dictating such things.
Its your and your DPs house, he shouldn't be asking to sleep in his father's bed at 9 year old (unless poorly) and expecting you to get out of your own bed.
Requesting its just his mum and dad, your dad has a girlfriend now, whom he has children with, his half siblings. He needs to get used to it rather than excluding you.

Hes a child, you are the adults, hes coming to your home and should have a certain amount of respect.

Your DP should not be enabling this behaviour or it will only get worse.

Northern - I am an SM aswell, for the past 18 months!!

Whilst I do not believe all SMs are evil ( my DCs first was scum of the earth) new one - I like, she gets it. She is not threatened by me nor me by her - we discuss DCs - one of mine has complex health issues and EX is not good at communicating the issues. She also knows to call me if the little bugger tries to pull one and get out of something claiming health reasons.
My DCS hated first SM - never allowed to mention me, speak to me, this one lets them call and she gets speaking to me before bed just reassured them, I had not done a runner and was still there. They were very insecure because of previous SM.

Likewise not all Exs are evil - you are obsessed in virtually every post on calling Exs bitter and twisted.

Most of us are not, like most SMs are reasonable people - but your constant whinge at blame it on the EX is getting a bit tiring.

I agree with life this is the second post Northern whereby you seem to speak so negatively of mothers when in reality we aren’t all bad nor are SM either. Me and ds SM get on on the whole there’s no issues between although I imagine DS and her might rub each up the wrong way. It has no relevance to me

l dont agree that he should be ringing his mum on his Dads time and getting his mother involved, His Dad is his parent his Dad should be sorting it out in his own visitation with his son, Especially addressing the lieing, It sounds like your partner is a bit of a 'disney dad', that never works out well.
I also think he should be sleeping in his own bed.
Op isnt a brand new stepmother 4years with a 9 year old is a substantial time of their life and the 9 year old shouldnt be dictacting whats going on, As far as spending time with his mother and father for his birthday I actually think if its because he wants his mum and dad back together then its not right to do it. His mum and Dad arent together arent going to be together and I do think that there need to be boundaries set out there.

@lifeandtheuniverse - apologies it’s the other poster that you continually argue with who isn’t a SM.

I haven’t said EW’s are bitter and twisted. Where have I said that? I have merely given my opinion. In this particular post I concur with the poster.

I actually don’t think ringing his mother is a bad thing.My DS is free to ring his father and often does. Does this have to be a negative thing. Some 9 years old have a phone for their personal use for this very purpose.

No wonder step mums have a bad reputation.
You would allow your own child to sleep in your bed, but not a step child.

Why shouldn't he go out with his parents alone?
You met, moved in and had more kids within four years, the poor lad is feeling insecure so give him a break.
You're supposed to be the adult but are arguing about it being your bed and being left out of a ten year olds b day meal.
As for the lying, hes ten! And feeling isolated so its to be expected
His mother sounds a decent parent.

advice i bloody wouldn't. Ds is 1 and only allowed in our bed if he's ill. Some people like their own space and 9 is old enough to sleep alone.

Lying at 10 is also not excusable in my book whether I gave birth to them or not.

Enid, I would. Now what?
Lying is obviously not okay but given thr circumstances understandable

Lying is not excusable at all at his age. Just because hes a stepchild doesnt make him immune from discipline. You still have to parent stepchildren you know.

But op doesn't want kids in her bed so why should she?

Why is it understandable? This is not a new situation.

Because there are plenty of things you wouldn't want to do as a parent but still do. Allowing a child who is feeling insecure and obviously needs the reassurance he is important abd matters to sleep in your bed is something parents would allow.
It is a new situation btw, the twins are two, so not much space.
He doesn't live with his dad, just wants time and attention but no. It doesn't suit the step parent. This is exactly why I am.not keen on.blending families.

Advice he does spend time with his Dad though doesnt he? Most of the weekend on his own with his Dad?!
Advice If you arent keen on blending families dont do it then? Doesnt mean everyone else shouldnt.

2 years is a long time when youre 10. Ops been around for nearly half his life.

And I'm a parent and like I said I would not allow it. I'd let a poorly infant in my bed. Possibly a tiny one having nightmares. That's it.

"Doesn't suit the step parent" doesn't suit a lot of people getting kicked out of bed by kids whether they give birth to them or not.

Because you think it's ok doesn't mean it's ok for everyone.

Advice he does spend time with his Dad though doesnt he? Most of the weekend on his own with his Dad?!

Like its a privilege he should be grateful for?

I will bow out, we are unlikely to agree.

Eh no but its more than some kids see their dads who they live with (mine included!)

Adviceplease, Why are you being so melodramatic, You made out he gets no time with his dad alone, He does! Infact more than any child living with their parent most probably would!

Enabling this behaviour and making excuses will not do the child any good nor the OP or her husband.

Yes, her Dss has had changes in 4 years, dads new girlfriend and new siblings- this doesnt mean he should get away with lying and excluding the OP.
He may not like the OP pulling him up in his lying or refusing to get out of her own bed but thats life, I would not allow a child my own or step child to get away with this.

He should be sat down, reassured and spoken about his feelings and the situation..
..but if his parents keep making excuses for him, like posters on here, hes behaviour will become more entitled, manipulative.

Seems like the OP is the only one introducing boundaries to him.

2 years is a long time when youre 10. Ops been around for nearly half his life. 2 years isn’t a long time at all Enid half of life would make 5years.

Op has been wiyh his dad 4 years? (Nearly half his life) Twins have been around for two years, which is what I was referring to.