Help. Step child's mother testing the boundaries

[Busymumoftwinsandboyof10]

I wonder if any of you fellow step parents can help. I am the mummy to 3 children 2 year old twin girls and a 10 year old. I have been with my OH for 4 years now (the twins are our children) and I have tried my best to get on with his 9 year old son. In the last 4 months it's got quite tough. When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in. Last week he came for his weekend and was asking my OH if he could sleep in our bed. (Suggesting that I get in with my 10y) When my OH requested this I said if you want to sleep together make a den or sleep in his room with him? I'm not leaving my bed. (If they were poorly it would be different of course!) but where does it stop? We have another 3 children in this house imagine if they all wanted to do that?!
I think the last straw is that his birthday this Wednesday he has requested that he goes to his favourite place for his meal and only his mum and dad go?!! (In essence I feel as his mum has planned this!) without discussion he has agreed to this. I'm confused and hurt for not only me but the rest of his family nana/grandad/aunty/sisters that won't get to spend time with him on his birthday too?! I feel as though boundaries are been tested and mixed messages are been sent to the child! I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in a similar position?

But I'm not talking about meeting teachers at school or a doctors/dentist appointment. I'm talking about him point blank lying about where he was or who he was with.
Why would anyone do that? anybody in their correct mind would know that's going to cause issues.

Its because he isnt in his correct mind, Hes obviously got issues, You can do so much better!

I totally agree with Enid on that- secret meetings are def not ok.

Well think about it. You're already getting your knickers in a twist because she came and sat outside to comfort her son and then quietly went away again. You think she's somehow using a 9 year old child to plot against you by asking for both his pharents to be there on his birthday.

if someone is likely to react irrationally to the truth, they get lied to.

that's why you're being lied to.

Well think about it. You're already getting your knickers in a twist because she came and sat outside to comfort her son and then quietly went away again. You think she's somehow using a 9 year old child to plot against you by asking for both his pharents to be there on his birthday.

if someone is likely to react irrationally to the truth, they get lied to.

that's why you're being lied to.

^This

OP, you aren’t coming across as the calm person you claim to be in your posts.

When she came I said nothing. This is after I listened to her tell him "I had no right to question him why he lied and it's okay sweetie you do it all the time at home mummy doesn't mind.... don't listen to her she has no rite to tell you off, mummy will come and see you, bring you blanky and give you a cuddle. I still said nothing. As it's not my place? Surly it's his dads?? For information. He had bitten himself on the arm blamed my son who got in a whole heap of trouble until later that day the eldest boys from next door explained he had done it to himself. SS reply when questioned... yes I lied and what?! I still stayed calm. Now do you understand the ex a little better?

Yes we have been together for over 4 years!

Honestly? You have a partner problem here not a step child one.

And I have to point out that yes you may have four children but ONE of them doesn’t live in the home all o the time and that does make a Huge difference in how he feels and how much leniency should be given. They are not all equal at all- three of them live with HIS dad 24/7. And one isn’t even his dads child. Can you imagine how that feels?

Now do you understand the ex a little better?

I understand why your partner didn't want to tell you about him meeting his son's mother to speak to her.

Your tendancy to fly into an irrelavent rant about everything to do with her rather betrays your lack of rationality on this subject.

She's not testing any bounderies. She came and comforted her son. You don't like the way she encouraged him to lie - you don't have to like her parenting. That doesn't mean she is trying to ruin your relationship and it certainly doesn't mean that a 9 year old little boy is being deceitful when he says he wants his parents and not you there for his birthday.

It's hard to be a stepparent and one of the hardest parts is that it doesn't matter how brilliant you are, and how shit their own parent is, they will still prefer their own parent. It's not spite, it's normal.

Your partner should not be meeting his ex for lunch, even if to discuss there son, without mentioning it to you. I can’t believe some posters think that is ok!

What did your partner say when your DSS said that about you not working? I hope he explained calmly that you do work?

However, I still think it’s ok for your DSS to want to go out for his birthday with just his mum and dad.

Their not there!

becotide you really think lying to your partner is ok? If you bothered reading the ops response before jumping to conclusions, she hasnt reacted to any of this. She's posted it on here, she hasnt flown off the handle.

ONE of them doesn’t live in the home all o the time and that does make a Huge difference in how he feels and how much leniency should be given

This attitude is why so many steo children turn into spoiled nasty brats who play their parents off against each other (And before you say it I know exactly how it feels because I was / am one but didn't get any special treatment because why the fuck should i)

I agree he didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t be happy about them meeting.

There’s a 9 year old here who is clearly struggling here and it sounds like they are trying to find a resolution. The biting on the arm and blaming your son it typical sibling behaviour one trying to get the other in trouble.

When I have had to pull him up about his lying he's called his mum and she's turned up. Sat outside in the car with him for half hour then sent him back in

This is a mum backing you up.

I think it is important for children to spend time with each parent and no one else.

Does DSS ever get time with just his dad?

It has to be difficult to go from being a single child to being a single child with a single parent and then a couple of times a week being one of 4, and the only boy.

He is bound to see his dad interacting with his siblings and thinking, "why can't he do that with me?" As an adult we know that a two year old needs more interaction, and two of them even more, but 9 year old's brains don't function like that.

@enid
“ (And before you say it I know exactly how it feels because I was / am one but didn't get any special treatment because why the fuck should i)”

Well. Clearly it didn’t fuck you up at all did it? You’re obviously able to manage your emotions about not getting any “special treatment” just perfectly aren’t you? No anger there... no, not at all. 🤔

If you can’t see why that is so wrong that a child who doesn’t get to live with one of their parents shouldn’t be given some allowances when they come to live with the children who DO...then I really do feel sorry for you. It was wrong you didn’t get what you call special treatment and I call respect and loving understanding.

I’ve not read your second drip feed message I’m afraid.

He is a little boy who ultimately would like his parents to be together. However well is adults think we handle divorce, extended families, half siblings etc in the majority of cases kids would prefer a normal nuclear family.

I think it is nice that his parents take him out for dinner. My ex and I do that for our kids birthdays, parents evenings etc.

Sounds like he is feeling insecure with his dad. Ultimately he is 4th kid in the pecking order at his dads house.

His mum did the right thing by talking to him and sending him back in. Some parents would have taken him home and then spent the night sending the dad abusive texts.

To the person who thinks the boys should not be able to ring his mum when he is at his dads. Sod that - I would go bloody mad if someone told my kids they couldn’t ring me when they are not at mine. I let the kids ring their dad when they are at mine. Some adults are so cruel to kids to even think this is out of order. That is punishment for his parents divorcing I think.

I also dont see why some posters think its ok that he is meeting his ex and lieing to you, Its NOT.
I dont think you are ranting or getting your knickers in a twist at all, His Mums obviously an idiot lets face it letting her kid lie and yes what she does is important as it effects your life when he is with you her telling him he can lie, Not making it clear its wrong and him being disciplined for it.
Parents always need to have a united front and the fact there isnt one means that your stepson is only going to get worse. It annoys me how people have children and dont take responsibility for their behaviour and make up excuse after excuse. There are no excuses especially after biting himself and lieing about your son doing it. Thats terrible behaviour and it will only get worse as his parents wont do anything about it. Honestly I would leave, Let your dh raise his kid how he likes he will realise what he has created in the end when hes completly out of control.

There seem to be a lot going on and all of it getting mixed in one bag.

What most like is happening is that your SS feels that you are treating him unfairly in a way that is upsetting him. He has been reporting this to his mum and rightly so, his mum has been listening to him, especially if he has come to her very upset.

She first tried to reason with him, hence talking to him, but not taking him away, but she does have some concerns about you that she felt she needed to discuss with your OH. Your OH agreed to meet with her but didn't tell you because he expected you to be very annoyed/upset if he was to tell you that he was discussing you (or your behaviour with the child) with his ex.

He has agreed without consulting you to go to a birthday meal with her and his son, which would indicate that he does have some sympathy with his son's feelings and he is waiting to talk to you about his concern.

On the other hand, he might have been discussing with his ex his concerns that his son appear to be lying a lot and making statements that are inappropriate (you not working).

Either way, one thing that seems clear is that he doesn't like you, so the focus needs by all three adults to understand how to improve your relationship with him because otherwise, it is likely to only get worse for everyone.

Well. Clearly it didn’t fuck you up at all did it? You’re obviously able to manage your emotions about not getting any “special treatment” just perfectly aren’t you? No anger there... no, not atall

Thanks for calling me fucked up. I dont have any anger issues, And I can't be doing that badly since I have two children who are doing fine and the 13 year not only chose to live with us, but behaves and certainly does not lie.

I can manage my emotions enough to not call a stranger on the internet fucked up based on one post.

It's important that children are treated the same. Can you imagine the level of resentment it causes when a step child gets special treatment?

There's being understanding and caring and then there's favouritism. Learn the difference.

Oh and lying is not permitted in my home, no matter who does it, how old they Are, or who gave birth to them.

I wouldn’t want the OP to feel totally dispondent after all her efforts to be a good step mum, that her DSS doesn’t like her. I bet it’s not true. When my step children have appeared not to like me very much, yet something arises and they have needed me l, they turn to me warmly, and have whisked themselves under my wing! We stepmums aren’t in a popularity contest. We’re not a friend - we are in loco parentis, parent-like, or like a loving auntie. Someone who is a constant to the child. A child acting out; it can be relating to things outside of hating a parent or step parent.

We know the boy is a handful. And we know the step mum is experienced in parenting and has a 10 year old child and 2 toddlers and is struggling with being in a blended family. Being mum to twins must be soo hard!

Dear busymum, things can improve from this situation, I promise.

I think your perception that your DP is pandering to his boy, and that the exW is unhelpful in the context of your blended family, this is totally correct!

Your DSS should not be able to pull the strings and get Mum to arrive. He’s 9 and can talk to mum when he’s home with her. He can talk to dad. He can talk to you or talk to his step brother.

Your partner deserves sympathy for his feeling that are (possibly) that he is trapped between a rock and a hard place. He’s not of course, his loyalties should be with you, but he himself might feel caught.

It’s a bit of a tangle for him. He’s cocked up by being secretive and even if he is defensive he probably knows he’s done wrong.

He most likely does hate his ex. But he might be frightened of conflict and so met her at a time that wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t find out. Foolish! Maybe the ex demanded it. Maybe he thought he should hear her out given she is the primary career of his boy. He might have made up excuses to himself, and took a wrong step.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive him? Try a reset, a truce?

Women are often the ones with emotional intelligence. You’re an experienced woman, been in hard places before, and have an ex yourself and you also are a mother who understands the need to make your children feel loved and protected. You can bring your DP into your arms, you can choose to recognise it's a tough time for him too and you can hope to persuade him that it’s worth working as a team to help your DSS to be more cooperative, less demanding, more respectful to your place in the home and generally a better behaved boy.

Implement a policy for the boy of encouragement for good behaviour. Be kind. Be wary of the exW in case she is bitter and nasty about you. Try to let it go that your DP met with her. You wouldn’t have wanted to be there, and it doesn’t sound like he likes her at all And I bet he didn’t want to be there!

You’re having a hard time. I hope this storm blows over. You had a good relationship with the boy before and I am sure this can be restored.

I have heard that exW’s behaviour can change after the birth of new babies. I don’t know much about this, although my ex has gone on to have more children and I hope that I only convey kindness, accommodation and respect, and I expect my children to be respectful.

Very stressful time with often 4 children in the house. Goodness, OP, be kind to yourself and try to get conversations back on a united front. X

Thanks happify. I think maybe there is a few on here who have had bad experiences with step mums??
My main issue is trying to show a united front and feeling undermined. I know they need to talk about their child and I encourage it. (I didn't want to be there) It's the meeting up on the QT that's the issue and will cause other trust issues. If he feel he can't tell me then we must be in the wrong relationship. Surly it should be based on trust and partnership? Some on here think that it's fine to lie or his
Mum was just supporting him, by telling him it's ok to lie? How does it look to the other children that he can do whatever he wishes and I say nothing? We would have chaos! Your right this is not for any kind of competition with his ex but to show continuity for the child. Its not about mum and dad spending time with there son (again I didn't want to be there) it's the just assuming that that's ok without discussion. (I'm sure my OH would have a few choice words to be said if it was the other way around for my child's bday with my ex!) The behaviour is getting out of control and it will only get worse if his mum carries on like this. It's not fair on the SS sending such mixed messages and to be fair if he doesn't like me as I'm the only one that shows him right from wrong then I can be that much of bad stepmom.
When it was my 10 year olds birthday football birthday party he said he didn't want SS to go. (Due to the behaviour thing)
I explained to him that SS feelings would be hurt if he didn't and to include him and he agreed. Its SS bday meal out this weds after school then he's having a swimming party at the weekend, Only his dad is invited. We are not a new couple we have been together for over 4 years. Do you guys think this is right? Doesn't give me much to stand on this year when it comes around to my sons bday and he doesn't want to invite him does it? I'm trying to be supportive to my OH but he's in denial about the whole thing that doesn't help.

Its what happens when a step child is put up on a pedestal, It effects everyone including the other children.
Fwiw I dont think its right, If your dh cant see it what else can you do really apart from leave. The stepson certainly isnt going to like it when his Dad is a single dad, When he has to actually have his other children over the weekend for visitation.