Ow step mum- what's reasonable.

[Pogmella]

So STBXH's affair was discovered 4 months ago. He immediately moved in with OW. He lied about this for about 6 weeks. I confronted her in the street and she also lied.

It's obviously been a rocky road and I've done things I'm not proud of (confronting her and I went to the house to see if he was there).

He initially had no contact with DD2 but now has e.o weekend at his parents' and week night nursery pick ups depending on whether he is travelling for work.

He now wants DD to meet his... woman and to stay over there. He also wants to move to 50% residential stays.

This is obviously incredibly emotive for me on all levels so after some objective perspective from step mothers. What's reasonable?

I think DD is too young for 50% although I would be happy to discuss adding on Sunday nights or something. Also as he travels weekly it wouldn't be 50% on set days just as and when he could which I don't feel is ok but looking for objective views. I would consider planning out how we could move to closer to 50% by school age but tbh the travelling still sticks in my craw... DD has a right to see her father not his partner so if he's not even going to be there?!

I would like to meet the woman (I know her anyway as they were colleagues). I think our first meeting will likely be tense due to both our actions but so far she's only ever lied to me so very uncomfortable with her caring for DD. I want to find out what kind of relationship she wants with DD and feel like I can talk to her.

I'd like to see the house. This they're really unhappy about so I suspect is unreasonable but because there have been so many lies about it and I'm now banned from going there it feels bad for DD to stay there... I guess that's just my emotions not DD though.

I think now (4 months in) is too soon for DD to stay over with the woman there. I feel like he wants DD to adjust to a new partner and a new home simultaneously. If he had his own place I don't think I'd feel that. Any suggestion that their relationship is new/untested not very welcomed but it does feel very fast to me.

DD hasn't net her yet.

Go on- where am I out of line?! Maybe everywhere. If like to hear it from you not them

I do think it would benefit you also to understand that, in spite of what he says regarding wanting 50/50, he is continuing to demonstrate by his actions that he views you very much as the primary carer and that you will be available to step in should he choose to step back. For instance, when he left the family home did he take DD with him? Would you have left her had you chosen to leave your ex? When he booked a holiday abroad did he stop to consider what the arrangements would be for childcare? Would you have booked a holiday without your child without even considering who would care for her in your absence?

Sorry OP I've just seen that this is exactly the point you have already made. I said this to emphasise that you need to put yourself and your own thoughts first on this matter.

Ok so we had our meeting and he was way more reasonable. Didn't apologise for yelling at me, obviously...

We agreed to add Sunday onto the existing e.o.w. I proposed adding on e.o Friday and he suggested e.o Mon and Tue but was going to check his calendar to see if that was achievable long term. I'd prefer the Fridays for a couple of reasons (not least I think it's more achievable) but his proposal isn't too terrifying.

We're on the same page about how OW should meet DD and a long lead in to everything (nothing for a while and not up to speed until May).

So I feel a bit calmer. I think it's best for DD. Part of me is indeed resentful that I think he's also keen on a long lead in to eke out his fun responsibility free days but whatever the outcome is the same for DD.

REally pleased for you OP - among the usual sniping there was some very sensible advice for you to clarify what you need to do.

Dont give too much too quickly, let him prove the extra day over a few motnths and then build up.

Baby steps - the onus is on him to be sensible and put yourDD first - not what he wants.

Just to say thanks to everyone that suggested books- got those and more from library and he's responded really well to them. They all suggest timescales of a year plus (one says 2+) for moving in partners esp. after an affair. We don't know how to handle it because that doesn't seem feasable but I feel more confident we can work it out as he seems to acknowledge the problem is real now (rather than just accusing me of trying to spli them up)

So glad he's becoming more reasonable!!!