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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ow step mum- what's reasonable.

105 replies

Pogmella · 27/01/2018 13:30

So STBXH's affair was discovered 4 months ago. He immediately moved in with OW. He lied about this for about 6 weeks. I confronted her in the street and she also lied.

It's obviously been a rocky road and I've done things I'm not proud of (confronting her and I went to the house to see if he was there).

He initially had no contact with DD2 but now has e.o weekend at his parents' and week night nursery pick ups depending on whether he is travelling for work.

He now wants DD to meet his... woman and to stay over there. He also wants to move to 50% residential stays.

This is obviously incredibly emotive for me on all levels so after some objective perspective from step mothers. What's reasonable?

I think DD is too young for 50% although I would be happy to discuss adding on Sunday nights or something. Also as he travels weekly it wouldn't be 50% on set days just as and when he could which I don't feel is ok but looking for objective views. I would consider planning out how we could move to closer to 50% by school age but tbh the travelling still sticks in my craw... DD has a right to see her father not his partner so if he's not even going to be there?!

I would like to meet the woman (I know her anyway as they were colleagues). I think our first meeting will likely be tense due to both our actions but so far she's only ever lied to me so very uncomfortable with her caring for DD. I want to find out what kind of relationship she wants with DD and feel like I can talk to her.

I'd like to see the house. This they're really unhappy about so I suspect is unreasonable but because there have been so many lies about it and I'm now banned from going there it feels bad for DD to stay there... I guess that's just my emotions not DD though.

I think now (4 months in) is too soon for DD to stay over with the woman there. I feel like he wants DD to adjust to a new partner and a new home simultaneously. If he had his own place I don't think I'd feel that. Any suggestion that their relationship is new/untested not very welcomed but it does feel very fast to me.

DD hasn't net her yet.

Go on- where am I out of line?! Maybe everywhere. If like to hear it from you not them Smile

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 29/01/2018 11:17

@Pogmella

Hi😊.

My STBXH went off with OW 16 months ago rather suddenly and my DC haven't met her yet. They are teens. They don't want to meet her. It's up to them.

My reason for posting is to stand beside you and other betrayed spouses to acknowledge the damage infidelity does to a spouse and the children. It is devastating and can cause PTSD.

You hear so much that the ex should do what's is in the best interest for the children but we expect a spouse who is going through grief/bereavement/PTSD to make sound rational decisions when their whole life exploded in an instant! I don't think this is a good idea at all. I do think it is better for the kids that their parent, the 'left', the one that is caring for them, to be given a period of grace, understanding to get their thoughts together and not be harnessed or bombarded by the spouse that left the marital. This way they are able to care for their DC and think about what's best for them moving forward. Being forced to agree to things in the best interest of the child during one of the most stressful times in your life is a tall order and I think a 'period of grace' for the spouse who has been left, to get their thoughts together might be a better way forward.

FlippingFoal · 29/01/2018 11:21

OP - swapping access for holidays (including child free ones) is normal and reasonable. He should have given you more notice than 6 weeks though i guess...

This mother was torn a new one for refusing to seap access to allow her ex a holiday.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3144703-aibu-to-refuse-swapping-weekends-with-ex

Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 11:28

Flipping I'm annoyed he expects I'll use my annual leave for her appointments/ nursery closures while he goes away. And mainly at the lack of consultation. Apparently booked in November.

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 29/01/2018 11:43

Pog - when you go away he will have to do the same

BackInTheRoom · 29/01/2018 11:46

@FlippingFoal

Omg the poor OP on that thread 😱. Thing is they were so vile to her no wonder she didn't come back to 'defend herself'. IMO, they were BU to the OP with their personal insults!

Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 11:49

I know Flipping and long term I'm fine with that. But in the immediate context of demanding 50% and threatening all sorts it's very frustrating to hear late in the day he is absenting himself from parenting for a week... he hasn't asked if he can bring her along.

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 29/01/2018 11:55

Pog - if your worried about 50% care with the OW aren't you glad he wasnt so crass as to demand to take your daughter? You cant have it both ways...

FizzyGreenWater · 29/01/2018 12:00

Document it all OP.

Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 12:16

Flipping I've literally just heard so I am reacting not considering and responding.

Long term I don't want him expecting to regularly go abroad without DD, I'd like her to feel included in the fun. Short term I'm just a bit called that he kept this quiet and so loudly went on about his rights and entitlements when he'd booked something that meant he couldn't meet his agreed responsibilities for pick up.

I'd rather react here than to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 12:17

*galled

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 29/01/2018 12:29

Op

I am sorry if you have been upset by my posts - totally not my intention but I do think why delay the inevitable.

The easiest way to do this is to set contact in stone and not deviate from the schedule at all. Not even to help each other out. That way you both become mutually independent of each other and need not argue over who does what and when.

I know you are hurt/crushed by the situation but by avoiding it you are just delaying things.

I know you didn’t ask for this but it has happened.

Although you state you don’t want this woman looking after your child in case things don’t last - just imagine if she had a new childminder - who then quit.

As long as your child has got you and her father and much love around her she will be ok.

The rest is not that important and mostly out of your control or will be if a court interferes.

RandomMess · 29/01/2018 12:50

I'm not surprised at all he's booked the holiday!!! Was he a bit controlling with you??? Treated you like he was your boss??

FlippingFoal · 29/01/2018 12:57

I'm not surprised at all he's booked the holiday!!! Was he a bit controlling with you??? Treated you like he was your boss??
That's reaching somewhat...

RandomMess · 29/01/2018 13:00

@FlippingFoal because he's throwing his weight around, trying to dictate all contact as and when suits him. Just wondered if this was New it existing behaviour...

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 29/01/2018 13:10

I don’t know much about CM but if contact is 50/50 does that mean that technically there’s no NRP and child maintenance doesn’t apply? Or doesn’t it work like that?

Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 13:32

It's ok Quite. I would like to set stuff more in stone but this would preclude him from anything close to 50%. I'm meeting him tonight and hopefully he can see that.

OP posts:
MissMouseMcPhee · 29/01/2018 13:38

In a hurry and not read full thread.

You sound like a sensible woman who wants what is best for her child. Sorry if it has been suggested already, but I would recommend mediation to help you both to come to a parenting agreement which would work toward 50/50 and would include holiday arrangements etc.

BackInTheRoom · 29/01/2018 13:38

@Pogmella

I'm reading this book atm it's very good. Might help you too.

BackInTheRoom · 29/01/2018 13:39

Here sorry!

The Guide for Separated Parents: Putting Children First https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/074994000X/ref=cmswwrcppapi_RoYBAbVP854A4

Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 14:05

Thanks @Bibbidee have ordered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pogmella · 29/01/2018 14:07

Oh and *Bibbidee what you say about a period of grace really rings true. I feel like the first 2 or 3 months when I cried every day, wasn't dressing properly, was desperate to get him back etc he was much more understanding. Now I've located my self esteem and put my life back a bit together he seems to think that's it, all done and dusted, fixed. I'm still processing so much. I do need more time.

OP posts:
MissMouseMcPhee · 29/01/2018 15:45

Another really helpful book

BackInTheRoom · 29/01/2018 16:56

@Pogmella

I think if you can, slow everything down to a pace you can cope with? Don't be rushed in to anything by him. Yes your DC is important but so is the main caregiver who has responsibility of said child and your mental health is vitally important. Do things at your pace so you can think about things properly and not act in haste to appease him.

CurlyRover · 29/01/2018 17:43

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time of it at the moment OP.

I think you're right about not giving in to the 50:50. I can understand where he's coming from. He's her other parent and why shouldn't he have her 50% of the time. But only if he can give her routine, which it sounds like he can't.

I think you should drop visiting the house and meeting her. Unfortunately you don't get to veto where she stays and who she meets when with her other parent. You have to trust him and let it go. Your emotions are bound to be running high right now but a judge won't look too kindly on the sort of control you're trying to have. I know you don't feel you're trying to control the situation and of course your emotions are bound to be all over the place but a judge won't see it that way.

Long term I don't want him expecting to regularly go abroad without DD, I'd like her to feel included in the fun.

^^ I can sort of understand where you're coming from. However as long as he's not taking all of his holidays without her, I really can't see the problem with them going away just the two of them. DP and I have been away many times without DSD but then we also take her away too. Her Mum hasn't been away without her but the option is there when we have DSD just like the option would be there for you too.

You sound really sensible with giving extra weekend nights and building up contact gradually. I hope you manage to come to some sort of agreement. It's never going to be easy post separation and I think it's natural for one party to feel slighted regardless of the outcome.

ohamIreally · 29/01/2018 19:18

Pogmella I have had a very similar experience to @Bibbidee and consider she is giving excellent advice here. When you are in the early days of a break-up you are still conditioned to think as part of a couple and I think that's why you are giving so much consideration to his requests and demands. Now that you are single, which is what he wanted, in many respects you no longer have to give any consideration to what he wants, only what you consider to be best for your daughter. So clear your mind of the 50/50, what the courts would say, anything like that, and consider what, in an ideal world for YOU, contact would look like, and start from there. So if it would be every other weekend and two evenings a week where he collects her from nursery and gives her dinner then returns her at bedtime, that is what you suggest. If he says "I can't do that because because because" then so be it. You have made a reasonable offer.

I do think it would benefit you also to understand that, in spite of what he says regarding wanting 50/50, he is continuing to demonstrate by his actions that he views you very much as the primary carer and that you will be available to step in should he choose to step back. For instance, when he left the family home did he take DD with him? Would you have left her had you chosen to leave your ex? When he booked a holiday abroad did he stop to consider what the arrangements would be for childcare? Would you have booked a holiday without your child without even considering who would care for her in your absence?

It can lead to great resentment that he gets to dump it all on you but I would encourage you to not let it eat you up as it will be like taking poison whilst hoping the other person dies.

So think about the life you and your DD are going to have, and decide that you will do your best. Remind yourself frequently when you feel sad for your daughter that you are doing your best and you are not responsible for the actions of others.

Not as eloquent as others above but I really want to reach out and offer my support to you, as I received support when I needed it.