Ow step mum- what's reasonable.

[Pogmella]

So STBXH's affair was discovered 4 months ago. He immediately moved in with OW. He lied about this for about 6 weeks. I confronted her in the street and she also lied.

It's obviously been a rocky road and I've done things I'm not proud of (confronting her and I went to the house to see if he was there).

He initially had no contact with DD2 but now has e.o weekend at his parents' and week night nursery pick ups depending on whether he is travelling for work.

He now wants DD to meet his... woman and to stay over there. He also wants to move to 50% residential stays.

This is obviously incredibly emotive for me on all levels so after some objective perspective from step mothers. What's reasonable?

I think DD is too young for 50% although I would be happy to discuss adding on Sunday nights or something. Also as he travels weekly it wouldn't be 50% on set days just as and when he could which I don't feel is ok but looking for objective views. I would consider planning out how we could move to closer to 50% by school age but tbh the travelling still sticks in my craw... DD has a right to see her father not his partner so if he's not even going to be there?!

I would like to meet the woman (I know her anyway as they were colleagues). I think our first meeting will likely be tense due to both our actions but so far she's only ever lied to me so very uncomfortable with her caring for DD. I want to find out what kind of relationship she wants with DD and feel like I can talk to her.

I'd like to see the house. This they're really unhappy about so I suspect is unreasonable but because there have been so many lies about it and I'm now banned from going there it feels bad for DD to stay there... I guess that's just my emotions not DD though.

I think now (4 months in) is too soon for DD to stay over with the woman there. I feel like he wants DD to adjust to a new partner and a new home simultaneously. If he had his own place I don't think I'd feel that. Any suggestion that their relationship is new/untested not very welcomed but it does feel very fast to me.

DD hasn't net her yet.

Go on- where am I out of line?! Maybe everywhere. If like to hear it from you not them

Also yes id struggle to visit family if he was a dick about sticking to it rigidly to prove a point...

Court can be within the month is he was to self represent. He just needs to download the forms, fill them in pay the £215 and send them to the court. He would get a date within 28 days.

He would get given a date or would be notified of the date within that time? And do they just need 1 hearing or 1 to hear his side and more time to deliberate? A friend said she thought he's have to go to mediation 1st and then it would be v.drawn out...

Normally it’s mediation first before court in my experience. DS sees his DF weekly alternative Friday after school till Saturday 5 o’clock and the following week Sunday 9 am dropping off at school. He gets him from school every Tuesday and takes him back to school Wednesday. It works well for us and has some flexibility. Ex likes to see him every week rather the EOW but if he’s away for the weekend we will switch to a full weekend each. I think however in the beginning to make sure he doesn’t want to change it constantly and it’s important there’s some routine in place. Then as time goes on flexibility can be good.

It's mad isn't it? Imagine if you came on here and said you'd met a new man and were moving him in after 4 months and he was going to be involved in caring for your DD. Damn straight your ex wouldn't like it and you would get absolutely flamed on here. I suspect he doesn't really want true 50/50 - most men state they "have to work" and somehow that's acceptable as a reason for not getting fully involved in childcare. I've also seen very few men actually put their children truly first whereas most mothers put their children first - just as here your ex has put his own happiness first and you OP are trying to work out what's best for your DD.

You are meant to do mediation 1st but it seems to be a formality. He can tick a box and say one of you has refused. My OH wanted to go to mediation but the EW refused so they bi passed that and went straight to court.

My OH sorted contact on the day. I don’t know if that’s the norm - but judges act quickly and want these things sorted. It’s not about hearing ‘sides’ it’s about presenting what is in the best interests of the child.

From memory you get a court date within the 28 days. So from sending the forms on it can be decided within the month.

Wow it only happened four months ago and you actual sound really reasonable, Well done to you op for being so dignified and holding yourself together so well.
50/50 wont work in your situation and at 2 shes still very young. She needs stability.

You sound amazing op after all you have been through.

Quitelikely what a bitchy vile unhelpful post.

As someone who had EX walk out with best friend as my parent was dying a horrible death, sibling underwent major surgery, DC got so sick ended up on ICU - believe me 4 months into the OPS mind fuck - she is doing well. Really bloody well.

My Ex did the same -I took DCs on holiday after my parent died, I just needed to get away. That resulted in a solicitors letters, abuse, phone calls etc etc, he threatened 50:50 demanded it for 2 weeks and then it stopped.Contact pretty wll non existent after that for 4 yrs. Alot of hot air comes out from the guilty party in the beginning but once he realises it is going to restirct his "single" now kids lifestyle it all changes.

She is asking questions, getting sensible answers and pacing things for both her and her DD. The realiity is her EX has not go a fecking clue what having his child 50% of the time means and the relaibility of being the one to pick up from nursery consistently - because OP has always done it.

Oh and anyone who tells you to be nice to the OW - has no clue how hard that is. I used to ask one question - did you have a nice time and that was it. Never slagged her off and bloody hell she deserved it. When your DC comes home and you hear X says you are stupid bitch and deserve what you got - yu truly understand the meaning of the word bite your tongue and take a fecking great big deep breath!!!

He’s acted in his own interests and no one else’s so far, I think I’d have to see him have EOW in a stable place of his own with a bedroom for DD and keep this up for a long while before 50/50 was even discussed.

It’s a big difference in my mind, a main primary residence and 50/50. 50/50 means no maintenance, no one main set of rules, no one main settled home to build physically like all your things in one room, one place where you base friendships, one parent to have continuous overseeing of school, homework, meals, self care.

At the minute he sounds like an asshole who hasn’t even got his own place to see her in, and wants 50/50 now?

I wouldn’t be happy OP. Do what’s best for you and your child’s stability and strengthen your unit. You’ve both been through it. I also wouldn’t believe him yet about keeping up the maintenance. He’s got to prove himself over the next few months.

Personally- I didn’t think 50/50 was best for my child. Splitting between two homes doesn’t suit everyone and follow your instincts on this.

Hi @Pogmella - firstly I'm soooo sorry you're going through this. It's beyond crap - I know, I've been there - but trust me that it will get easier.
I went through virtually the exact same & for what it's worth here's some advice.
Do NOT agree to 50/50 unless you have SOLID proof that your ex will actually be doing the childcare. I'm separated 8 years with much older kids but from the get go my ex got his dp (also ow) to do a lot of the childcare which the kids really didn't like. Your DD is way too young to be cared for by her dad's dp especially only 4 months in.
I refused point blank to go 50/50 for the above reasons & also because my ex wanted 50/50 so he would have to pay no maintenance. He himself said he had a "free childminder", meaning his gf!!!
What saved my sanity was one night every weekend when the kids were smaller & then eow as they got older. He took them for tea one evening a week initially & then one overnight as they got older. What your dd (& you) need at the moment is routine & stability.
Stand firm on this & do not let him railroad you. I'd almost guarantee that he and his gf are playing happy (readymade) families at the moment & you honestly don't know where that could lead in that they could be broken up/pregnant in weeks or months. My ex & his dp broke up 3 times until he eventually agreed to her having kids & all that protected my kids from that is that he wasn't the rp or a 50/50 parent.
For yourself - don't (at least for a few months) go near this woman. You can't control where they live or how they live so don't torture yourself by making contact as it's only letting your ex's gf feel she's in parental role & honestly given your dds age & the 4 month time frame it's waaay too early for that.
I never really damn (single) women for having affairs with married men - I damn the men as they're the ones breaking their commitments - & the chances are this woman is an ok person (my ex's ow is) & with time things will settle & she will always have to live with the fact that she's in a relationship with a man who cheated - not a nice place to be.
However he has proven himself to be feckless & you are entitled to protect your dd from this until such time as you feel that his domestic arrangements will suit your dd.
Hold your head up high & stay polite but firm & do not let him bully you by pushing his agenda.
It will get easier - I'm 8 years in & have a good working relationship with my ex & his dp but I got there on MY terms, not theirs.
💐

They are being v u reasonable. He really shouldn't be introducing DD to her unless she's going to be a permenant installation in his life e.g. If he is planning on marrying her and wants to see whether DD likes her first/he got her pregnant/he's ask her to marry him/you get the idea.

Very good advice from magda OP

Thanks all. Meeting STBXH tomorrow. I'll drop the house stuff but do feel more confident that his request (if it hasn't changed) is unreasonable and I'm doing right by DD to suggest it is modified. I'll suggest longer weekends/extra weekends along with annual leave and see what he thinks. I'll follow it up in writing.

Magda she was also in a relationship of 4 yrs and she knows me. So I do judge her tbh... I'm not some abstract 'wife' figure she was in the office when I brought a 4 week old DD in for them all to coo over... But Yeah, I just need to put that in a box and forget it.

I'm not sure how I feel about meeting her. I know it won't do me any good but STBXH is so emotionally unintelligent I am kind of hoping she will help him empathise with DD a bit more and help her through it. Which is probably way too high an expectation.

Bananas It was put to me as 'next month I'm buying a toddler bed and then I want us to start 50:50'

Op, you have every right to be concerned about leaving your dd with someone who is, to you, a total stranger.

The whole point of contact is that your dd spends time with her father, not with some random person. Stick to your guns, contact only when your ex Is at home, at least while she is little.

Why would the ow want to spend days alone with your dd? that's definitely weird.

King she's at nursery on the days he has evening contact (which he wants to change to overnights). We didn't talk details but I don't think he does exoect her to care for DD solo which is why it would be ad hoc as and when he was available.

Don’t give in, have limited contact with him, say you don’t think it’s in DDs interests and then don’t engage further. I’m sure over time his intentions will become clearer. At the moment he’s just posturing. Good luck!

Emotionally unintelligent is being kind...

Clearly you'll have to point the absolute obvious to what is in DDs beat interests!

Hi @Pogmella - don't have any expectation of this woman. Your ex is the parent & there's no point in to hoping she'll help him empathize! She also left a partner & yes, was beyond two faced to you. Make no mistake she will have her own agenda & even if she is feeling guilty/was spun a tale by your ex she is not (as this point) going to have your dds best interests at heart - why would she? For you she should not even be a factor at this stage - your ex & you need to sort out an access strategy that suits your very young dd, not one that suits whatever version of happy families he and ow are playing out at the moment.

Stick to your guns anyone with any sense knows a two year old being taken over night as and when is no good it's a stupid idea. Tell him you will think about it if he finds himself a job where he can be there for consistent 50/50 see what he thinks if that.

God it would drive me crazy if dp blew up our family than started banging in about his rights. Imo if your not happy don't stay in a relationship seperate but don't go fucking about with someone else and break your partners heart that will never be best for the children it's the much harder to get over a relationship that ended in affair with no bad feelings than anything else.

OP you sound incredibly strong and amazing tbh xx
When my ex and I split up I allowed ad-hoc access to our 10 month old son for a while and it really doesn’t work. My life was dictated by his work schedule and plans - they were forever changing and if I dared to make plans in advance e.g. I booked tickets to see Disney on Ice 3 months before the event, then he’d decide that was the only day he could see DS that week - we’ll basically it caused no end of arguments.
I went to a solicitor (we didn’t need to go to court in the end) and I was advised if we did go to court they would suggest set days and unfortunately for Ex that would mean they’d have to be adhered to.
When I asked about shift work and how set days would work I was told that it is irrelevant. If Ex’s work pattern meant he couldn’t have DS on his set days then that’s just tough for him. He would either have to change his job i.e. to one without night shifts or arrange suitable childcare around it.
In the end he decided he wouldn’t do night shifts during his access time with DS (they were optional, he used to choose to do them to get more cash) and now he has our 3yo DS every Wednesday and one weekend day/night which we decide between ourselves to make it fair.
It works for us nicely now, DS never goes longer than 3 without seeing his daddy and we have a nice routine.
My Ex also harped on about wanting 50/50 but in reality he couldn’t do it and ultimately didn’t want it when he realised it would affect his social and dating life too much 🙄

What a tough time you have had.
My tuppence (as a stepmom to my boyfriend's child) ...
Start with a reliable, steady access rhythm. It will do your sanity no good if you are constantly being asked by your ex to change the plan. (I say this from the time before my partner and his ex had a court judgment in place and he only got to see his daughter when his ex needed a babysitter, often with just an hour or two of notice.) He needs to get in the rhythm of understanding his responsibility as a father - e.g. not just continuing to fit his parenting around his job.
Things have moved super fast in your world. The OW aspect is horrible. Ideally if it is a serious relationship he would build up contact slowly, but there is little you can do really to influence that.
At two years old, from what I have seen, it would be really good to keep communicating with your ex esp on little things - like sharing favourite/disliked foods, timings for bedtime etc - these I think help to make life continuous from one house to the other. And for a little child who suddenly finds their world is no longer peppa pig perfect, then at least they can see a sense of unity in the parenting.

Oh wow you guys are on it. I asked him about annual leave this morning and he informed me he's booked a week in the Alps in March with her.

The week is across all his nursery pick ups (and the days he is asking for 50%) I asked if he expects to take child free holidays annually and he said he expects both of us to.