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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter wants EVERYTHING

132 replies

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 10:48

My step daughter has been in my life for just over a 18 months now.... It's been a big learning curve.... Anyway. She has a tendency when she comes over to me and my partner's friends and families house to ask for everything!! We went over to my partner's mum's yesterday and in a two hour window she asked for:

a cracked picture
one single bead
sweets
ice cream
perfume
a satchet of milk?
a bean bag.....

You get the point, there was more this was in a two hour period!! In the end I had to get my partner to have a word with her!!! It's so odd she does it all the time. Obviously she does it when we go out shopping too with ANYTHING, she will just pick stuff up she doesn't even know what it is.... She has an allowance and can spend it on what she likes but it's so embarrassing when we go around friends houses and she's asking for random bits of tat!!! My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff. Home life we imagine is a bit sad and she doesn't have much attention from mum.... But would like some advice on how to deal with this begging behaviour! At home too it just seems like everything that comes out of her mouth is a beg. iPad, food, etc! We limit the amount of screen time because unlike at her mum's house we would like to spend time with her and not get a screen to babysit her!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 13:02

I have to admit if my ex rocked up to parents evening with his new GF I wouldn't be happy

So where was the girls mother? Why wasn't she at the meeting instead?

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 13:04

lifeandtheuniverseSummed it up nicely. As for openpickles op had some sound advice from everyone saying it was typical behaviour yet just didn’t want to take on broad what everyone said which I said maybe being a step parent wasn’t for her. This is a 9 year old who has had a lot of changes and upheaval in her life and her only issue was asking for small items people likely didn’t want.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 13:05

Openpickles she might have gone to a separate meeting with the teacher.

Snowman123 · 21/01/2018 13:07

Pickles - no one said the mother wasn't at the meeting or had a separate appointment as is often the case?

TickyTakky · 21/01/2018 13:12

OP, please ignore the nasty posters on this thread. Some posters seem to get a kick out of hounding people. It's often the same posters and they often try to disguise their nastiness by wrapping it around 'advice'. Unfortuanately it's not hard to avoid the MN rules on personal attacks whilst still being unpleasant.

Your OP was clear that you were simply asking for tips at how to help your step daughter.

I think 8 years olds are often a bit annoying and self centred. I just go with gentle reminders. It might be better to try and anticipate her asking for things rather than waiting until afterwards to deal with it.

Ask her before you get to places how she thinks she can behave 'politely'. Ask her what type of things she could say and do. Perhaps you could prompt her to think about how she should react if she sees something she wants. It's also good to get them to try and put them in the shoes of the person she is pestering. E.g. Ask her what she thinks her Granmother might think of her if all she did was ask for stuff. She has just got in a bad habit that needs to be broken. It's not surprising given everything she has gone through.

When my kids were little and I visited shops with them I'd prep them by telling them what I would and wouldn't be prepared to buy for them and that if they pestered me I definitely wouldn't buy them anything.

PeaceandQuiete · 21/01/2018 13:13

OP in case i'm reading this incorrectly, you keep saying 'my partner's mum' is your partners mum not your DSD's grandmother? I find this reference a bit strange. If she is indeed the child's DGM, and she's asking for silly things, just leave her to it? let her dgm and your partner deal with it. Between them they've got more experience of her than you do so why get involved. This will apply to any other family member you visit. You only need to deal with the visiting friend's part. Like they say, 'pick your battles'.

swingofthings · 21/01/2018 13:16

I really don't get this thread. My gut feeling was that this girl was asking things at her grandma's house because it's been an established habit that grand ma always gives her things when she sees her. Maybe she told her that when she was moving house, she would be able to have some things of hers.

Sweet and ice-cream, that's what grandmas give as treat. A bead, old picture, an old bean bag, some old perfume, maybe all old things that she thought grandma wouldn't care to give away.

I used to visit an old aunt every two or three times a year when I was little. She had a house full of 'strange' things that fascinated me. She used to love me exploring and she used to tell me that if there was anything I liked, I could have it and just to ask, so I did. It wasn't begging at all, I loved collecting things at the time. I haven't grown to become a begging adult!

What I find much more odd is that someone would be actually watching this and counting the items. Did the grandma complain? Because if she didn't, I really don't see what the problem is.

Exciting · 21/01/2018 13:17

Exactly. Most grandparents want the grandchildren to have loads and loads of stuff. Usually they are moving to a much smaller place. We let all sorts of people have stuff one after the other and the more they took the better. Surely any granny wants their grand daughter to have things like that?

stitchglitched · 21/01/2018 13:20

That's a good point PeaceandQuiete. If I was the grandmother I'd be very unhappy that my son's new partner was trying to control my grandchild's interactions with me.

NewBrian · 21/01/2018 13:20

All kids do that. She’s your boyfriend child and asking her nan for stuff is nothing to do with you! She’s 8, or course she wasn’t helping pack .I’d be fuming if my boyfriend was writing about trivial things my child did in such a way, you need to remember you’re dad’s girlfriend and nothing more!

TickyTakky · 21/01/2018 13:21

Exciting and SwingofThings. The OP said it was at various people's houses and at the shops etc not just the grandmothers. If it was just the grandmothers I don't think it would be such a problem.

I suspect the OP just gave the example of what happened at the grandmothers to give an idea of the extent of the 'asking'

Blackteadrinker77 · 21/01/2018 13:23

Step mothers get far too hard a time on here from some very unpleasant and bitter first wives

How do you know who is a SP or who is a first wife?

I'm a step Mum and find the fact that the OP is keeping a book on things she says about her Mum concerning. She didn't say we, she said she is.

It is disrespectful to her Mum for the op to be doing this. The OP thinks shouting at the child is worse than saying you're rude and embarrassing.

Notasunnybunny · 21/01/2018 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 13:32

I’m a bitch because I said maybe being a step parent isnt for op because everyone said the same thing about her dsd behaviour being normal for age? But op didn’t want to acknowledge what posters were saying Righto!

TickyTakky · 21/01/2018 13:34

I'm a step Mum and find the fact that the OP is keeping a book on things she says about her Mum concerning. She didn't say we, she said she is

She did say 'I' have a notebook but she went on to say 'we' have to keep a log. Are you really concerned 'they' are keeping a log of things such as the daughter smelling on cannabis? I think that sounds like a good idea. 🤷🏻‍♀️

43percentburnt · 21/01/2018 13:35

Why didn’t her father go to court as soon as mum denied contact. Why did it take him meeting you and you persuading him to go to court for him to have the desire to see his child?

I can’t imagine not seeing a solicitor the day after I was denied contact. If I couldn’t afford it I would beg, sell things or represent myself in court.

If she smells of weed I presume he washes her hair and coat the minute he picks her up.

You don’t seem to like her very much from your posts - and her dad didn’t bother fighting for contact until you came along. You also say she used to thrive at school, when did that change?

TickyTakky · 21/01/2018 13:41

MidnightExpress. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with the OP. I think it's normal for kids to ask for things at this age however you can disagree in a polite constructive way rather than needling the OP. Perhaps you don't realise how your comments come across? Otherwise I don't understand your motivation for being so pointlessly sharp.

NannyOggsKnickers · 21/01/2018 13:42

Don’t forget the burning pitch forks ladies. Just to add that extra touch.

You know so little about this situation that it is very difficult to make any kind of judgement but you did anyway. Stop projecting.

Midnight do you get a special kick out of being rude and hostile for people who are asking for help. Your posts were very unhelpful considering the OP was asking for help, not a through judging and b big ripped to shreds. Bravo on that one.

tiptopteepe · 21/01/2018 13:47

its for attention isnt it? She wants proof you care about her and doesnt know any other way to get it. I dont think you are being harsh at all you cant have her thinking that being given stuff IS actually proof of love. That is not going to set her up well for the future. So i wouldnt give into her demands unless they are reasonable. Maybe you could try and find some other way to give her attention when she asks for something? Perhaps suggest an activity you could do together? Or try and get her to discuss a trip out she might like to do sometime or ask her a question about her life/things she likes to do and make her happy? I think its just about diveriting attention and showing her that caring about someone doesnt equate to handing them anything they ask for.

MozzchopsThirty · 21/01/2018 14:00

Op I don't think you're being harsh at all

Unfortunately MN is full of those parents who are just perfect and have advice on how to handle every situation regardless of whether they have any experience of that 🙄

I think you did the right thing by talking to her dad. I also think 8 is old to be behaving like this in other people's homes.

My dcs went through a phase of I want I want. I used to say oh that would be lovely, now shall I tell you what I want? A house with a pool
They rarely bother now and when they do they answer my question

MozzchopsThirty · 21/01/2018 14:04

But I don't think you should be going to parents evening
That's odd

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 21/01/2018 14:04

We can see this thread has derailed somewhat and the OP has now left so we shall be taking this thread down soon. We're not convinced it's helping anyone so we think it's best if it disappears.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 14:11

As for openpickles op had some sound advice from everyone saying it was typical behaviour yet just didn’t want to take on broad

No not 'sound' advice from everyone, stop trying to dress it up, you and some others are just downright nasty. I've parented 8/9 year olds and this is not typical behaviour ime.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 14:13

How do you know who is a SP or who is a first wife?

It's pretty clear who the bitter ex-wives are...the pure venom and the telling people 'you're not cut out to be a step-mother' is a dead giveaway.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 14:15

I’m a bitch because I said maybe being a step parent isnt for op because everyone said the same thing about her dsd behaviour being normal

Excuse me @MidnightExpress1 'Everyone' did NOT say the same thing as YOU. You are trying to justify your nastiness, I for one do not agree with anything you have said.

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