Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Step daughter wants EVERYTHING

132 replies

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 10:48

My step daughter has been in my life for just over a 18 months now.... It's been a big learning curve.... Anyway. She has a tendency when she comes over to me and my partner's friends and families house to ask for everything!! We went over to my partner's mum's yesterday and in a two hour window she asked for:

  • a cracked picture
  • one single bead
  • sweets
  • ice cream
  • perfume
  • a satchet of milk?
  • a bean bag.....
You get the point, there was more this was in a two hour period!! In the end I had to get my partner to have a word with her!!! It's so odd she does it all the time. Obviously she does it when we go out shopping too with ANYTHING, she will just pick stuff up she doesn't even know what it is.... She has an allowance and can spend it on what she likes but it's so embarrassing when we go around friends houses and she's asking for random bits of tat!!! My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff. Home life we imagine is a bit sad and she doesn't have much attention from mum.... But would like some advice on how to deal with this begging behaviour! At home too it just seems like everything that comes out of her mouth is a beg. iPad, food, etc! We limit the amount of screen time because unlike at her mum's house we would like to spend time with her and not get a screen to babysit her!
OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 12:00

I think the parents evening comment is unfair. I'm a foster carer, I've known kids for 3 days sometimes before I'm at their parents evening. Should I not go because I'm not their parent? But if that's the case then they won't have anyone, because you can bet your bottom dollar their actual parents won't bother. Would that be better?

Parents evening is not some special honour for blood relatives only, but a chance for the people guiding and supporting a child's education to discuss things.

This little girl needs as many people who care about her in her life as possible, it sounds like a good thing she has the OP.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 12:01

It might not be weed maybe damp? Ds might go running to his df say I shouted at him when in reality he has been told off. Numberous times he’s complained about his df when I speak to his df I get the true reason. I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes back to her dm and says negative things.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 12:01

I'm going to leave this thread now because I feel like it's just getting a bit nasty.... I am on here because I want to help my step daughter.... I am in her life and involved with her school. I don't deserve the hate that I have received today. Karmas a bitch ....

OP posts:
ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 12:02

Also some kids can put on a totally different face for school. It's at home where it all come out.

hannabanana78 · 21/01/2018 12:02

what's with the witch hunt Confused why shouldn't she be at parents evening?

stitchglitched · 21/01/2018 12:04

Who is helping in the long run if this man can't parent his child without his girlfriend there taking the lead and even at parent's evening asking the questions? They could split up tomorrow and her DP hasn't learnt to parent without OP.

hannabanana78 · 21/01/2018 12:05

midnight but if her sd is saying that's what her mum said to her then should she just dismiss it because she's probably making it up? i really don't get how this thread has turned into some attack on op and criticising everything little thing she does when all she wanted was some help and advice

ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 12:05

OP you have done absolutely the right thing by believing your SD.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 12:06

Of course not hanna but it’s not uncommon for kids to interpret things and to also play parents off against each other aswell.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 12:07

Thank you to everyone supporting me... If you can offer any help and advice I would appreciate it (via pm because I'm not feeling this thread) that would be great! Thank you

OP posts:
NannyOggsKnickers · 21/01/2018 12:10

Another thread where the OP has been driven away by harsh posters.

slow claps

Well done, guys. Way to be supportive.

Viviennemary · 21/01/2018 12:13

I don't think you should blame the child. Somebody has to teach her that it isn't appropriate to ask for something that belongs to somebody else. If nobody has taught her that then how would she know. But as for asking for things in shops I think that's different. I always wanted everything I saw in shops. Blush I did get my own way sometimes but not always.

Theimpossiblegirl · 21/01/2018 12:14

Does she want all of these things because she sees them as part of a life she doesn't feel she has? So maybe if she had a beanbag/that bead/the picture her life may feel more like the ones she is seeing and wanting?

I'm not sure how to address it, I'm no expert, and I think it runs deep and will take time to address, but maybe get her a beanbag for her room at yours for next time she comes round, just to be lovely. You don't sound like a mean step-mum, just a struggling one.

nakedscientist · 21/01/2018 12:17

My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff

The phrase Queen of Sheeba sounds harsh, this may be what pps have picked up on.
Op you don't think mummy is up to much, parentingwise at least, don't let this frustration spill over in your response to the kid.
Basically she needs masses of love and understanding, you may be her route to a much happier life.
Good luck!

DistanceCall · 21/01/2018 12:18

Sounds like she is asking for love. It's not the stuff itself that she wants, it's the reassurance that, yes, she is allowed to take the stuff, which is how she conceptualises love (if I am allowed to take stuff, it means that they love me).

I think you should find other ways to reassure her that, yes, you and your husband love her very much and she is a part of your family - perhaps spending more time one on one with her, doing fun things as a family, etc.

And yes, tell her that she can't keep asking for stuff, but that you'll be happy to do things with her, and ask her what she'd like to do. PPs' ideas about keeping a wish list are also good.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 12:24

Some were harsh, yes. But the OP was cherry-picking the responses and ignoring the ones that didn't suit.

It is early days to be going to Parents' evening and discussing her SD with the teacher - she doesn't have PR. Telling her she's embarrassing - if her home life has been that chaotic she hasn't been shown how to behave, has she? It's not her fault!

She's doing many good things - getting her partner involved with his DD again, clearly showing that she cares about the little girl.

But she's asked for advice and she needs to listen to all of it. What she then chooses to do is up to her.

KayaG · 21/01/2018 12:27

Step mothers get far too hard a time on here from some very unpleasant and bitter first wives. I wish MN would step in sometimes. It's vile.

Missingstreetlife · 21/01/2018 12:30

Don't think you should worry what she says to her gran, other ppl explain to her after (or before) visiting. Hope this settles down, it will take time. Take your foot off the pedal and let things evolve. Good luck

Ophelialovescats · 21/01/2018 12:34

Have you explored any Parenting Courses in your area. Your step daughter's should be able to recommend one. Don't be offended. Parenting ( both step and non) is not easy and doesn't always come naturally .

Ophelialovescats · 21/01/2018 12:34

Step daughter's school, that is.

lifeandtheuniverse · 21/01/2018 12:39

SMs also say some unbelievably vile stuff about their step kids.

Some recent threads - describe vile, smelly, rude, I can not look at them, physical reactions of horror, most problems are because of the EX, poor house witht he EX, vile manners etc etc etc. Queen of Sheba

Believe me, the vast majority of EXs want their kids to be happy, treated well when with their father, not sidelined and pushed out and made to feel like second class citizens in their other home.

We also get that not all SMs are not bad, some are fab ( one of my friends is a fab SM, as told to her by her SKs). We also get that some EXWs are not nice, but then neither are their EXs always paragons of virtue either!

We also get that 99% of you would prefer that your DPs kids did not exist and the archetypal nuclear family could exist for you - this is not going to happen but blaming the EX and the kids does not help.

Most people on this thread are saying the same thing, this little girl is 8. She is insecure, mum and dad split, nanny moved house, Dad has relatively new girlfriend and whatever else is going on. This child needs a bit of love bombing to feel secure

bobstersmum · 21/01/2018 12:40

Poor child sounds very needy and insecure, you could help her by being a good safe person that she knows she can rely on, maybe make time for you and her to go and do something special, you could avoid places that she could seek out material things, example, pack a picnic and take her for a walk, she will get used to feeling good about just having some one to one time I bet and realise she doesn't need these random things. You might not think it's your responsibility to do these things but if you plan to be in her life then it definitely is.

Exciting · 21/01/2018 12:52

She is 7. She went to a house where someone was moving and probably had loads of stuff to give away and yet when she asked it was regarded as awful! I just can't believe that. When we cleared dead parents' houses I actively asked the children to ask for things, anything they wanted - better they had it than it goes to the tip. I would just leave her to her father and not interfere.

If it was her granny moving house then most grannies are absolutely delighted when the grandchild wants random stuff from the house as mostly you are trying to cut back on clutter and I would certainly want it going to blood family not to a new woman of my son.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 12:58

Step mothers get far too hard a time on here from some very unpleasant and bitter first wives. I wish MN would step in sometimes. It's vile

Yes it's getting so tedious. MidnightExpress1 for example should be banned from the step-parenting boards. How dare you tell the OP being a step-mother isn't for her. How fucking dare you.

Snowman123 · 21/01/2018 13:01

I have to admit if my ex rocked up to parents evening with his new GF I wouldn't be happy.

Yes, the little girl is in your life and it sounds like you are taking your responsibility seriously which is great........ but there are certain boundaries and to be honest I think parents is intended for Mum and Dad.