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Original poster

Step daughter wants EVERYTHING

132 replies

Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 10:48

My step daughter has been in my life for just over a 18 months now.... It's been a big learning curve.... Anyway. She has a tendency when she comes over to me and my partner's friends and families house to ask for everything!! We went over to my partner's mum's yesterday and in a two hour window she asked for:

  • a cracked picture
  • one single bead
  • sweets
  • ice cream
  • perfume
  • a satchet of milk?
  • a bean bag.....
You get the point, there was more this was in a two hour period!! In the end I had to get my partner to have a word with her!!! It's so odd she does it all the time. Obviously she does it when we go out shopping too with ANYTHING, she will just pick stuff up she doesn't even know what it is.... She has an allowance and can spend it on what she likes but it's so embarrassing when we go around friends houses and she's asking for random bits of tat!!! My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff. Home life we imagine is a bit sad and she doesn't have much attention from mum.... But would like some advice on how to deal with this begging behaviour! At home too it just seems like everything that comes out of her mouth is a beg. iPad, food, etc! We limit the amount of screen time because unlike at her mum's house we would like to spend time with her and not get a screen to babysit her!
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Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:23

We are trying to deal with all the issues.... I wouldn't be typing in here if I didn't care.... I feel a bit attacked by people saying I'm being harsh.... I am only trying to deal with things one step at a time. Please do not think that we don't show her love because that is all we show! Unlike mummies house we never shout and we always talk things through. But this is something that I am struggling with understanding at the moment and hence why I am asking

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 21/01/2018 11:23

She's asking for people's random crap because she feels so unloved and undervalued that it's the only way to confirm they give a shit.

Reggaeton is spot on. How she feels is the issue, not the behaviour. Poor little girl.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:24

I think you might need to take a step back and let your dp deal with things. Me and my ex are currently dealing with a preteen ds at the moment but working as a team to deal with such behaviours. Speaking again to other parents with dc it’s excately the same. Children test boundaries it’s part and parcel of growing up.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:24

Midnight express I would kindly ask that would would get in your train and leave this thread as I don't feel like your input is helping and is just a personal attack

OP posts:
Vibe2018 · 21/01/2018 11:25

That behaviour sounds normal to me. I have an 8 year old who loves collecting random bits and pieces that look like rubbish to others. You do sound quite harsh about this - making a big issue about something so trivial.

stitchglitched · 21/01/2018 11:25

You are a relatively recent girlfriend of 18 months. Why not let your partner deal with things how he sees fit?

Charismam · 21/01/2018 11:26

that's a really good tip ohlittlepea
My 14 year old never stops asking for things, you buy her the pink runners, then she wants a hoodie. It is relentless. Does that work for older kids? (I mean making a note of what they want on your phone) or is there a different technique?

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:27

You seem heavily involved considering you haven’t been in her life for long. I do think you need to let your dp take the lead here. Her behaviour could be far worse I seen threads where the step child’s behaviour have been hideous but it’s normal behaviour although she sounds insecure and in need of reassurance.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:28

There’s no need to be rude because you don’t like the answers your getting and I haven’t said anything no one else has.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:29

Me and my partner have been together 3 years.... But step daughter had been in our life for 18 months. I pursuaded him to go to court to fight to see his daughter as his ex was denying access ....
So yeah I'm not the evil step monster some.of you are trying to make me out to be

OP posts:
NannyOggsKnickers · 21/01/2018 11:30

I would disagree with the people who say to take step back. You obviously care about her. Be there to listen to her. It doesn’t matter that you are not her mother. You are in her life and therefore need to have a clear role in it.
It sounds like it is cry fir attention. She needs love bombing and listening to. Write stories together. Do some painting if she likes it. Do a hobby together. Makes sure that you and DP spend a lot time listening to her and interacting with her.

Vibe2018 · 21/01/2018 11:30

My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff.

She's 8 - what do you expect!!! Do you have any experience of raising children of this age? You seem to expect her to be very mature and fully sociall aware when she is only a young child.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:30

No one said your evil op but we are explaining that her behaviour is typical of a child her age because we have children of that age that’s the point. Even if you been with your dp for 3 years your still new to your SDD.

ReggaetonLente · 21/01/2018 11:31

That's great you show her lots of love. Can you step it up even more? Lots of one on one time, lots of praise for her personality and behaviour, quality time doing activities she enjoys and is good at. Let her know she is not useless, not one bit.

You have to do not just your bit, but make up for what she's not getting at home. Shit, yes, unfair, yes, but it's what this little girl needs and she's relying on you.

Can she spend extra time with Nanny? Who else in her life does she have regular contact with?

Like I say I do know how frustrating it can be, but if you focus on this 'bad' aspect of her behaviour you are just confirming and compounding the messages she's getting from her mum, and it honestly will just make the behaviour worse. Just take a deep breath, ignore it, change the subject, or even confront it head on - "do you know how much Nanny loves you and loves having you here, nothing will ever change that".

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:32

Nannyoggsknickers thanks for you input. I agree, if she is coming to our house then I will not be taking a step back! My partner sometimes needs a helping hand as parenting is quite new again to him.
We do lots of fun stuff together and like to go out a lot. I think it's a cry for attention too

OP posts:
BrokenPogoStick · 21/01/2018 11:33

I don’t think anyone’s making you out to be an evil stepmother. But I’d say take a step back, however much her behaviour is annoying you, she’s going through a really tough time. Let her Dad discipline. Lay off her a little bit. It might be annoying when you go to friends houses and she asks for stuff but I’m sure as you leave you can say ‘sorry but dsd is going through a lot at the minute, so she asks for stuff, I hope you aren’t offended’.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:35

Yeah that's a good idea.,. I shall talk to friends about it.... She has regular contact with my partner's sister too and enjoys spending time with her

OP posts:
BrokenPogoStick · 21/01/2018 11:37

I get that she’s coming to your house so you want to discipline her but could you maybe ignore that for a bit, give her a lot of love and show her that you’re there for her and then see if the behaviour stops?.

MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:37

Did your dp build up time on his own when he reestablished contact op? Imagine from her POV she hasn’t seen her DF for a period of time and now she starts seeing him again and his “New” ( to her) partner it’s a lot to take in.

Chewbecca · 21/01/2018 11:38

Poor girl. She is looking for security and reassurance.

I think you just need to have a quiet, kindly, gentle chat telling her it isn't very polite to ask people for their stuff. Suggest she admires but asking outright isn't ok. Don't tell her off, just offer kind advice.

saladdays66 · 21/01/2018 11:39

"ooh I wish I had a bean bag"
That doesn't sound like begging to me. Sounds like a wish, expressed openly, as lots of people do. Doesn't sound like she's demanding.

My partner sometimes needs a helping hand as parenting is quite new again to him.

Why, if his dd is 8??

Re the weed. Report it to the school/social services. But only if you're prepared to step up and parent the child more - ie have her to live with you if it comes to it. The poor girl.

Original poster
Smmt93 · 21/01/2018 11:39

I actually work with children in care ect... So I'm not oblivious to all of this. It's different being at work on a controlled environment compared to when it's in your home... These last 18 months have been a struggle and I want to tell you all that we show nothing but love for this little girl. It's hard when mum's not on your side, not the school or family front door!
So yeah there is more behind this story than a girl asking for things constantly but I just wanted advice on why you think she might be like this and how to stop it. So thank everyone who put in helpful input and. I shall try your strategies!

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MidnightExpress1 · 21/01/2018 11:39

Maybe stop the visits round the friends for a while and try and force on one to one time with her do some activities. How long has contact been resumed?

citybzg · 21/01/2018 11:39

Yes when she asked for it it was to take home "ooh I wish I had a bean bag"

Yes I got my OH to have a conversation with her about it being rude and embarrassing!

That's not rude it's perfectly normal for her age! Why would you feel embarrassed by it?

My Partners mum was moving house yesterday and she didn't help she just sat there like the queen of sheeba demanding stuff.

Also perfectly normal for her age. She is 8 not 18. None of my kids at 8yo would join in helping either a house move unless given a specific job. At 8 years old they are interested in everything and mundane things can be interesting to them.

Lovemusic33 · 21/01/2018 11:41

OP, sorry your getting a hard time, step parent bashing seems to be common place here.

A lot of children go through a stage of asking for things, it’s not always because they are being neglected, she maybe doing it for attention or to make conversation.

There have been some good suggestions on this thread like whiting a wish list, ignore the haters.

Step parenting isn’t always easy, there’s often tension between the parents, sometimes concerns as to wether the child is being cared for correctly, it’s not always easy to get anyone to listen to thoughts concerns.

Try and make her feel welcome when she’s with you, maybe ignore some of her requests to things or distract her.