Request from mother - unreasonable or not?

[ClaryFray]

I need some advice. My relationship with the mother of DP's children has been odd. We work together, so there is no chance to avoid her.

She was convinced for a time I was OW, which I wasn't. She has asked that before I meet the kids, two things happen.

1. I unblock her from Facebook. I blocked her because of all the drama and stalking abuse. And when I added DP's sister in law and brother, she messaged in 10 minutes to say to DP about it.

1. We all meet all three of us. Her, DP and I to discuss way forward with the meeting and boys and to clear the air.

This women has been the bane of my life for a few months, she has stalked my house and Facebook. Called me all manor of names, and brought my family into this.

Is this being rational on my part. Am I allowed to keep her at arms length, or am I gonna need to suck it up and do what's best for the kids.

Help?

Considering the drama and FB stalking...I would not unblock her. Is sooner ditch FB than do that tbh.

It's not her business who in his family you are friends with. I imagine that working together isn't the best thing either and it's just too close for comfort. I'd also personally be looking for another job to get away from seeing her all the time.

Putting yourself in her position...imagine a colleague getting with your Ex and you have to see them all the time? It can't be easy for her.

The meeting is okay I guess...but with her character I personally wouldn't want it. She doesn't have the right to demand this meeting IMO.

How could she really stop you meeting them anyway? Although I think you shouldn't meet them for a while and your relationship is established to be going somewhere.

It's a lot of distabilisation for children to be meeting to many of their parents girlfriends and boyfriends.

Control freak .... she wants it on her terms.

I would tell her to piss off on all of her requests.

Maybe agree not to post pics of the kids or any type of reference to them?

Ask her why it's important

Who your DPs DC spend time with during his contact is up to him and she can’t do anything about them seeing you.

I see you’ve agreed to meet but I don’t think that’s very sensible. You’re pandering to her controlling behaviour and letting her call the shots.

Is he scared of her? He needs to draw a line between them. They coparent and that’s it. What if you meet up and she decides she doesn’t like you so you can’t meet the kids? She’s already shown she doesn’t like you if she’s been hassling you. What if you meet and she tries to put conditions on your contact with them?

Your DP needs to step up and protect his time with his children and his relationship with you. It’s nothing to do with his ex. They have no relationship beyond parenting their shared children as amicably as possible and your relationship is nothing to do with her. Is DP going to insist of meeting a new partner of hers before he can see the DC?

I know for some people this sort of collaborative thing can work and that’s great. But she’s shown you very clearly how hostile she is and there’s nothing to be gained by pandering to her.

The Facebook thing is batshit. Just no. Don’t even engage on something so painfully ridiculous.

I've agreed to meet her because I think that maybe she can be reasonable. I'll reassure her that I'm not after being a mum to her children, but their friend. I'm happy to have a chat. However she won't be controlling the situation.

I'll agree in the beginning to not post pictures of the DC on social media, however that may change when new children appear and the wind up in photos. DP is okay with photos being shared, and I'll take his lead on that.

I won't be unblocking her from Facebook, that won't happen. It's a compromise I'm not willing to make. I don't post a lot on there but it's still my space. And I don't want to be checked up on.

In your fb settings you can set your friends list for only you can see.
And if you click. Her name where it says you're friends. Click edit friends list and click' restricted ' she will only be able to see anything you put on a public page or put any pics as public.
If that's the only way forward

Me. Personally I wouldn't bother un blocking her tho lol

Update!!!

DP dropped the children back after his contact weekend today, and was told some pointers for the meeting.

1. The children are not allowed to come to my house, because she doesn't know me.

2. I am not to discipline the children, as it's not my place. Which I agree with totally to begin with.

So I think it's obvious she intends to call the shots, or try to. However I've already agreed to the meeting so feel it's hard to back out know.

I'll agree in the beginning to not post pictures of the DC on social media, however that may change when new children appear and the wind up in photos.

Do you mean when you and he have children together?

The pictures thing can be an issue....

She will know you after the meeting though right?

Slightly off topic, out of interest how does the online pictures thing work? If Mother insisted on it, how far could that be taken? I imagine it's hard to govern especially is the Father agrees they can be posted online?

The women sounds an absolute control freak.

She can’t dictate where the children go and who they see on the dads time. My OH’s EW tried to do this and was given a stern talking to by a judge.

I wouldn’t meet her. By meeting to her you are pandering to her. She isn’t in charge and she isn’t in control.

Don’t be daft! You can do whatever the hell you feel like!

You don’t need to be vetted, she can’t tell you who you can and can’t have on Facebook, and his kids are with theIr father, so he decides where he goes and what he does with them.

She’s trying to manipulate you and your oh. That ship has long sailed.

This woman won’t use the meeting for any positive purpose.

I had this with the ex of my oh. When she started demanding 15mins alone with me was when the alarm bells started to ring.

Wouldn’t mind, but I’ve seen the evil shit she puts her dc through to try and get her own way. Cruelty doesn’t come close, it’s pure evil. So no, no meeting, no conditions, nothing.

Let her raise her issues with your dp. He can keep you out of it.

I definitely wouldn't unblock her and she has zero right to stop you meeting them. Who DP introduces them to in his time is his call so she can jog on with that.

Re social media and photos of the DC. I think it's a difficult one. Personally I've always taken the lead from DP. I haven't asked his ex's permission to post photos and the only two people's permission I need are DP and DSD. But then I'm pretty careful with my Facebook and no photos of DSD are public.

Why on earth has she got a problem with you being friends with your DP's family? If you guys get married there'll be your family too

Oh and hell would freeze over before I'd meet with her if i were you.

And I thought my DP's ex is crazy...

I'd meet her so you could face to face talk to her. Bring up the stalking and the abuse to her face!

Update : a meeting was arranged and she cancelled. I offered a second date which she ignored for over a week. Then when she asked DP he told her the offer was off the table.

She's gone through various cycles since then, causing me issues professionally, calling my a homewrecking slut to colleges, calling me a gold digger to a mutual friend, and making demands on his sister and brother about their friendships with me.

So the right call was made. I shall continue to give her a wide birth.

Oh god you poor thing. She sounds mentally unhinged. Good for you on offering. I would never meet the EW. She’s not as bad as yours but she’s been so cruel to her own children and my OH her EW that I wouldn’t waste my time meeting her.

It’s all control on her part. You agreed to mast and she cancelled. You offer a 2nd date and she doesn’t respond (this is a classic control tactic). Now the offer has been withdrawn she’s making out it’s your fault.

I would take the world thing further. That’s behaviour is unacceptable and it’s bullying.

The woman sounds like she has some naraccistic tendencies. I wounder stay well clear. She has no need to meet you. Don’t give her any space in your head.

Work not world

I hope he’s worth the hassle!

Completely unsurprised. I could see the same signs from a mile off.

Now you know what she is, make sure your dp keeps her away from you/your family.

Use legal powers if need be.

The good thing now tho is that you can do exactly whatever suits you and dp, she doesn’t get to call any shots now that she’s revealed what she is.

That’s horrific.

She’s too angry to have a reasonable conversation with you about anything.

She will start having second thoughts about refusing for the kids to meet you etc when she realises she’s totally on her own with zero freedom.

Not to sound rude but is your DP actually helping you in any of this? Or is he simply being a messenger between you both?

Because if it is the 2nd one then he needs to grow up and stick up for you and HE can sort things out!!!

She was convinced for a time I was OW, which I wasn't.
Clearly she still does and that's the essence of the problem. You say you were not, but maybe you have a very different view of the stage at which one would be seen to be the OW, ie. when you start become 'friends', or when you actually become intimate together.

Either way, if she believes that you wrecked her marriage, it might take a while for her anger to dissipate and for her to accept the situation. This is why it might have indeed help to meet up, so you could have given her reassurance that you really only met her OH after they had really fully separated, and that would have allowed her to take the next step towards acceptance.

As it is, the best you can hope for is that she meets someone else, falls in love and start to believe that her separating from your OH was the best that could have happened and you are welcome to him.

Oh dear, she definitely believes you were a key instigator in her marriage failing. I wonder why. Your DP seems conspicuous by his absence in all of this, except as a message passer-on.