Request from mother - unreasonable or not?

[ClaryFray]

I need some advice. My relationship with the mother of DP's children has been odd. We work together, so there is no chance to avoid her.

She was convinced for a time I was OW, which I wasn't. She has asked that before I meet the kids, two things happen.

1. I unblock her from Facebook. I blocked her because of all the drama and stalking abuse. And when I added DP's sister in law and brother, she messaged in 10 minutes to say to DP about it.

1. We all meet all three of us. Her, DP and I to discuss way forward with the meeting and boys and to clear the air.

This women has been the bane of my life for a few months, she has stalked my house and Facebook. Called me all manor of names, and brought my family into this.

Is this being rational on my part. Am I allowed to keep her at arms length, or am I gonna need to suck it up and do what's best for the kids.

Help?

I don’t understand, given that you work together why a meeting before meeting the children is necessary. You aren’t a stranger, in which case I’d understand the request. She is being unreasonable and you have no reason to allow her on your social media. I’d ensure she is aware through your partner that there will not be any mention or photos of the children put up by you. That’s the only stipulation I would see as a reasonable one.

My oh ex was convinced:
id hacked her email (crappy pop email system, notorious for outages)
her Facebook (erm... no)
That I worked in IT (definitely don’t)
That I worked with my oh (ditto)

All made as statements of fact...

Some people make shit up for the drama of it all. When you grey rock them and give them nothing back in terms of reaction, eventually they move on to someone else for their drama feed.

It’s very dull while it lasts tho.

Just ignore, you know you’re doing nothing wrong, don’t change how you are, just carry on doing what you do and the novelty will wear off

That said, I think if the work shit carries on, you need to get legal advice and shut it down. Don’t confront her, just get legal letters written to keep the emotion out of it all

DP and I were friends for a few close to a year before anything happened. I was not the OW, there is no view point it's pretty cut and dry. He wasn't still actively in a relationship with her when we started dating. He'd moved out of the marital home. She thinks he'd have gone back if he hadn't have started seeing me, but we didn't start texting more until 4/5 months after split.

DP is involved and it may give the view that he isn't but because this meeting involves me, he let me lead. Normally I don't get involved it isn't my place. You got a snippet of this situation.

DP and I were friends for a few close to a year before anything happened
Did she know about this 'friendship' and was informed by her OH when he talked to you/saw you? Was she ever offered to join you? Or did you first meet, on the phone or in real life after he had moved out? Was it just a complete coincidence that you met him and you happened to be working with her?

Personally, if that 'friendship' involved seeing or talking to each other without her knowing when he was still living with her, then the affair started then, just emotionally before you went on your official first date.

Oh you were friends while she was with him. That's fine then.

we didn't start texting more until 4/5 months after split
So how much were you texting before the split?
I'm not excusing her behaviour at all but 4-5 months probably didn't seem like that long to her..

I also wondered about the ''when new children wind up in the photos'' comment. Back up. WHAT!?
Do you have a child together?
How long has this situation been going on?
Are you planning a child with this man?!

I feel sympathy for her. It can take years for the necessary identity shift from married woman to single woman and to have to do that in full view of your husband's new gf, at work, that would be a truly intolerable situation when you're in pain.

clary I would probably stop adding detail, not because I'm judging you (not at all) but I can see this is about to swing against you. To some people the fact that a man and woman can be friends without any romance is a ridiculous idea and now you've stated you text more is all the ammunition some will need to justify the ex's behaviour as you must have been the OW.

Fwiw, I could have written that post 9 years ago. I was demonised as the OW because DP and I started seeing each other 6 months after she had kicked him out. We were friends at work for about 8 months but had never seen each other out of work and all texts were either mundane or work related. However that didn't stop her family sending god awful messages on Facebook, refusing DP access in case I was around, refusing to allow her to come to our joint house (this was a year or more after we got together)...her demands were endless and ridiculous. I would also like to point out that she found herself pregnant about 5 months after she kicked dp out (definitely not his) and that the father (who is no longer on the scene and has never met this dc) was already living with her and her 3 other dc. Obviously the rules change to suit.

HOWEVER things are very different now. We all regularly meet as dss had been questioning if we get on and we felt we need to show a united front. This is the ideal but I realise it is rare.

I would meet with her but would stick a finger in the face of the Facebook request.

the children aren't allowed to go to your house because she doesn't know you????!!!!

Does your DP, the children's father, get to veto his children going to any house where he doesn't know the grown ups?

I think he should suggest that veto to her now and then ask her about the doublt standard.

And don't unblock her on facebook.

Agree to be polite and civil for the children's sake, but you don't have to be friends.

NewDOOFUSfor18, that's why I asked OP if indeed, she had been in contact with him/met up with him when he was still living with the ex and if so whether his ex was aware of it or not.

In your case, you were colleagues, which would explain a bit more how you would have been on friendly terms when he was still with his ex. In OP's case, I'm still wondering how she came about to know her partner and whether indeed, it was a totally coincidence that she happened to work with the ex.

By the way, my OH is good friend with two women with whom he shares a particular activity. I know that it is a genuine friendship because he has no issue telling me when he meets with them, and he only meets them when sharing this activity. When social events have taken place, I have always been invited too. They do text, but occasionally and again, in relation to their activity. I have no reason whatsoever to believe that either he or they are experiencing any emotional thoughts for one another.

Oh and I am not 'friends' on facebook with these women as I don't have relationship with them, so not sure why OP would have been 'friends' on FB with the ex in the first place.

* DP and I were friends for a few close to a year before anything happened*
He wasn't still actively in a relationship with her when we started dating. He'd moved out of the marital home. She thinks he'd have gone back if he hadn't have started seeing me, but we didn't start texting more until 4/5 months after split.

Sorry to break this to you OP but you were the other woman. You were there, and available, and he knew it.

Whether you were the OW or not has no relevance here.

The mother is trying to control - wrong.

She doesn’t get to dictate who the children can and can’t see on the fathers time (just like the dad doesn’t get to dictate to the mother).

You don’t have to meet her. It’s a control tactic on the mothers part. It’s not good for her mental health. She’s already crossed the line with her bullying tactics in work. She needs to back off.

I think you definitely need to raise her behaviour at work. That will certainly remind her of boundaries and show her that acting in this manner is entirely unprofessional and inappropriate. Hopefully this will start to snap her out of whatever destructive cycle she's in.

Block her on all social media. She has no right to access that. Also, tighten your privacy settings so anyone you're not friends with can see nothing at all.

Her actions about this meeting suggest to me she is either incredibly controlling or in a complete state. Either way, she is completely irrational and talking to her will do you no good.

Finally, harassing her in-laws sounds like she is nowhere near finished with her appalling behaviour towards you. You need to stop this now.

Good luck

Whether you were the OW or not has no relevance here.
I disagree. Absolutely right that she shouldn't stop her children from seeing their dad, and it sounds like she isn't, however, they don't HAVE TO see OP and -assuming that indeed she was a friend of the ex and then became the OW-, I think it might very reasonable to want some reassurance that such poor morals were not reflected in other behaviours that could influence the children.

@Swingofthings - legally no. It has no bearing whatsoever. Even if the OP was the OW (which she says she wasn’t), the mothers ‘controlling’ requests are completely unreasonable and she’s been a bully in the work place.

The OP doesn’t need to meet her (not sure what that will achieve) and the FB request is mearly control on the mothers part. Then there’s the alienation in the workplace who I see as bullying and trying to alienate the OP from family members.

OP offered a meeting and the mother turned it down. A 2nd meeting was offered and she couldn’t be bothered responding. You have been completely reasonable OP.

The mother sounds like she needs time to heal. I would stay well clear.

I disagree. Absolutely right that she shouldn't stop her children from seeing their dad, and it sounds like she isn't, however, they don't HAVE TO see OP and -assuming that indeed she was a friend of the ex and then became the OW-, I think it might very reasonable to want some reassurance that such poor morals were not reflected in other behaviours that could influence the children.

I've read some bollocks on MN today but this takes the biscuit. So ridiculous it's laughable. OP was never the OW, the marriage was over and the parties separated. What a stupid thing to say.

Poor morals? Dear God, are you Queen Victoria? Utterly pathetic.

hmmmmm...

I'd be concerned about this.

How much contact does your partner have? Is it court ordered? Who your partner spends time with when he has his children is nothing to do with her (beyond usual safety and protection issues).

What happens if the meeting doesn't go well and she decides you never get to meet them? It sounds like the issue here is between your partner and her. I'm not saying that meeting will be unhelpful - but if you do decide to meet her, make sure it is in a public place and that there are witnesses.

they don't HAVE TO see OP

So does the children's father have full veto rights on all of their mother's friends, family and partners? Don't be ridiculous.

OP was never the OW, the marriage was over and the parties separated.
No, OP says she wasn't, but from she's written, I personally happen to believe that it is a high possibility that she was, but has managed to convince herself that she wasn't because she didn't sleep with him until after he moved out.

So does the children's father have full veto rights on all of their mother's friends, family and partners? Don't be ridiculous.
I was looking at it from the perspective of the children, not the parents. A child needs to have access to their parents, they don't have a need to have access to any parent's partner. The child does not need to see OP.

As said from the start, if the ex is going to continue to believe that OP was involved in the breakup of her marriage, then she is not going to do anything to make it easy for her ex beyond what her children need.

Okay, this has blown up a little. At work there is a group of us, 3 women and 4 men. We all went out together meals, drinks and to the gym. She was invited many many times. We were only friends to start with, me and ex wife never were.

Nothing. Nothing. Went on before he left. I was in a relationship of my own as well which broke apart after his own marriage ended. So because I knew him before he separated that makes me the OW.

She knew all about me, I gave my DS's old PlayStation games to her DS! We were friends. I thought he was a nice attractive guy sure, but there was nothing more. Jesus!

Thank you for all the support from those who gave. This seems to have turned into a witch hunt now. It never fails to amuse me how some women of mumsnet think an OW is lurking behind every corner!!!

Unblock her on fb but keep your profile shut down tight

I wouldn't unblock her on fbook, she has no need to have access to it. As you said anything you share regarding the children you'd have your dp's backing anyway. I kind of doubt that's why she wants access to it anyway, don't give her another avenue to harass or 'dig up dirt' on you.

No, OP says she wasn't, but from she's written, I personally happen to believe that it is a high possibility that she was, but has managed to convince herself that she wasn't because she didn't sleep with him until after he moved out.

You believe?????????????????? You really need to get over yourself. You come over as demented.