Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Feel bad for my partner

37 replies

Louw12345 · 15/12/2017 11:43

He and his ex had planned he have their children over christmas this year from Friday till Wednesday. They sorted this out in September he asked for Sunday till Wednesday when she got abit worried about not seeing them but then decided that the friday will wed would be fine providing they ring her.
This morning she told him he isn't having them on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. He hasn't really seen them in the last 3 weeks coz she messages on friday (pick up day) and says they have plans. I am trying to get him to understand that weekend access means weekend access and she shouldn't be telling you on Friday that you won't be seeing your kids that weekend. But he feels like he can't push it as she stops the kids from coming altogether

I honestly do feel sorry for him he was super excited and now he's crushed.

I know the best thing I'd court to get something set in place but I have heard so many story's of people not following it through. Plus one of his children isn't his bio child and he may lose access to her completely

OP posts:
Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 11:53

Hi, that is very unfair of her and I’m sure if he nicely mentioned a child arrangement order to her (nice way of saying he’ll go to court) I’m sure she’d think again as he would rightfully be able to have Christmas Day on alternate years and a full week with the children, he’d also get, half of all school holidays and weekends (what he has arranged now and potentially more if he puts that forward eg a night in the week), he could potentially have half of all time if he put that forward too so the children have 2 homes. If this discussion doesn’t work then he may be best to put forward a court application, he doesn’t need to involve a solicitor if he’s worried about cost, this can all be done by himself, but use a barrister for the hearing as it massively helps. Good luck.

Zampa · 15/12/2017 11:56

DP's ex used to do this. It wasn't until a court ordered contact schedule was put in place that he got consistent access.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 11:57

Also she has to follow it through otherwise he could take her back to court and potentially get more or full custody of the children as they’re 50% his. With the other child that isn’t biologically his, he just needs to explain that he views him/her like one of his, he cared for it and bought it up like his own, that the children shouldn’t be separated otherwise that one would feel left out. If that one is old enough Cafcass will interview him/her and ask what they want. They should view that as a good thing that he still wants to be involved with it and he wants routine as that’s what the court cares about when it comes to children.

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 11:57

very bad advice telling OP what he "will" get. He might or might not get any of those things, and he won't for the child that is not his, most likely.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 11:59

Can he ask to go there for Christmas morning?

After Christmas is out of the way he needs to talk to her about not cancelling on him. Getting mediation if they can't agree on their own.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 12:10

@curry that’s why I’ve put potentially, have you been through the court system? I have. Thank you.

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 12:13

Yes, I work in it. And its terrible advice to ever say to anyone they WILL get x amount of time or holidays or xmases. You have no idea what anyone else will get.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 15/12/2017 12:14

Blackteadrinker77 they don't have that type of relationship. He's an easy going type of guy but she's not. If he asks it's a stright out no he has to deal with it if she asks and he says no she kicks up a serious fuss and uses the kids against him

OP posts:
Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 12:15

I never put ‘will’ I put potentially. But the court system is rubbish anyway, there is no guarantee you’re right, but if a drug user can get what I mentioned above I’m sure it’s ‘potentially’ possible for this ladies OH.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 12:17

I’ll let @curry give some advice as he/she works in it....

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 12:21

Actually you only put potentially on one point, you said I’m sure she’d think again as he would rightfully be able to have Christmas Day on alternate years and a full week with the children, he’d also get, half of all school holidays and weekends.

NorthernSpirit · 15/12/2017 12:27

How utterly selfish of the mother the mother.

Unless you have a contact order there is little you can do at this stage. I would ask the mother to reconsider and tell her you will be getting a formal contact order ASAP.

The norm is EOW, half of school holidays and everyother christmas. Judges and courts are very pro contact. Your OH can represent himself in court. Once a contact order is issued if the mother breached she can be the taken back to court and will have to explain her actions to a judge. The children have a right to a relationship with both parents.

Good luck OP. I feel your pain - my OH went through 2 years of hell with the mother using the children as weapons and dictating contact. He now has a formal contact order and things are much better.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 12:36

Still no advice from @curry do you work in it?
Agree with @northern with the advice.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 12:39

He's an easy going type of guy but she's not. If he asks it's a stright out no he has to deal with it if she asks and he says no she kicks up a serious fuss and uses the kids against him

You're just assuming that the answer will be no. He doesn't know unless he asks.
Even if the answer is no if he does end up having to go to court he can show that he has tried to compromise after having his contact taken away from him.
She might say yes then he will still get to see the children Christmas day.

He needs to try to keep communicating with her, even if that isn't always smooth.

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 12:39

Excuse me? I do not owe anyone advice, nor would I give it on such scant info.
The advice I gave was to not pay any attention to your advice, which I stand by.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 15/12/2017 13:27

Blackteadrinker77 sorry I ment regarding christmas. He has asked in the past both birthdays fell on the weekend his access friday to sunday she told him hes not having the kids as she has plans (both birthdays are in half terms) he mentioned that it is unfair as its his weekend (every weekend) and that he should be seeing the kids even If he was to have the friday to sat midday but she said no.

It's a fight for him to be a dad. Anyway he lives with his mum and dropped them off on the Monday and they stayed till mid week. However my partner works 6 till 6 so it's not really him spending time with the kids whereas the weekend he would of been.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 15/12/2017 13:33

You really do need to get a formal contact order. This won’t get any better.

My OH had the same on birthdays - the kids are a week and apart and my OH asked if he could see them to take them for birthday tea in one day. She refused. The straw that broke the camels back was when she won’t let the children speak to him in their birthday.

You can’t deal with these women. They are so emotionally damaged they will use their own children as weapons and they only see things from their perspective (why should the dad see them in Christmas Day.... i’ll miss them so much). They fail to remember they have them the majority of the time.

Get a formal contact order and it will stop her messing around.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 13:39

These women are not thinking about the children, they’re just thinking about themselves, the children will know the truth when they’re older, if they’ve not been put off by the mother, very selfish really as no one wants their child to have issues when they’re older which could happen.

Kit1411 · 15/12/2017 13:41

@curry why are you on here if you’re not giving advice? All you’re doing is arguing about someone else’s post!?

Original poster
Louw12345 · 15/12/2017 13:43

I'm a bit lost who works in the system but can I possibly have some advice?

He has been in non bios childs life from around 4 to 6 months (now 6 years old) 4 years ago they looked into him adopting her however it was not possible as they needed bios dad's consent. So they changed her name by depol and the non bio child has both parents last names

access is Fri to sunday every week and has been since they split over 2 years ago. He treats both his children the same. His mum is scared her granddaughter will be taken from her (I haven't asked why but she's says she knows what she's like)

Does this help him? As I honestly think if it doesn't help in court he won't push for it and will be happy with the time if any he gets with his daughter. His son on the other hand hos ex knows he has rights so doesn't push things to much ie instead of him not seeing him for the full weekend she will allow an overnight but say he's to be dropped off saturday noon

OP posts:
Original poster
Louw12345 · 15/12/2017 13:58

NorthernSpirit thank you I have spoken with him and knows that is what he has to do.
He's goin to set mediaton up first and see how that Gos. Then there is proof when and if he has to go to court. He's also going to keep all the messages to prove she chops and changes her mind as it suits. It's sad it has to come to this though as all children deserve both parents.

OP posts:
curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 14:50

why are you on here if you’re not giving advice

As I said, I did give advice: not to listen to your bad advice. Now could you stop hounding me please?

QuiteLikely5 · 15/12/2017 15:00

Best way is to let a court set things in stone. I think he can represent himself too so it shouldn’t be too expensive.

Otherwise this carry on may continue for years to come!

It is highly likely he’ll be awarded a fair amount of contact. Keep all emails and pictures of text messages of her cancelling.

Also start writing the dates down so you have lots of info to give the court

swingofthings · 15/12/2017 16:31

Has she even given a reason? Is it because she suddenly realised that she can't cope without seeing them at all during the period? Can he go back and try to negotiate something, maybe that they come from mid-day on Christmas day?

heidiwine · 15/12/2017 18:44

My DP was always being messed around by his ex (he still is). The children are old enough now for us to see an end in sight. Still it’s completely exhausting and every 6 week’s or so we have a change and a trail of abusive emails and texts. I wish (and so does he) that we had put a court order in place around contact. We were so scared that if we did that she would stop him seeing the children altogether (by deliberation alienating them) that we just rolled with the punches. That was a mistake.
If we had our time back we would have sorted a court order with really clear guidelines and we would not have flexed (or expected any flex). I suspect that had we done that we would have had to keep on taking it back to court with every breach but eventually it would have settled down. Now - many years on we are still at the mercy of DPs ex who thinks nothing of changing her plans at the last minute (usually to our detriment).
Do your homework and go to court. Get it all in writing and stick to its

Swipe left for the next trending thread