Feel bad for my partner

[Louw12345]

He and his ex had planned he have their children over christmas this year from Friday till Wednesday. They sorted this out in September he asked for Sunday till Wednesday when she got abit worried about not seeing them but then decided that the friday will wed would be fine providing they ring her.
This morning she told him he isn't having them on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. He hasn't really seen them in the last 3 weeks coz she messages on friday (pick up day) and says they have plans. I am trying to get him to understand that weekend access means weekend access and she shouldn't be telling you on Friday that you won't be seeing your kids that weekend. But he feels like he can't push it as she stops the kids from coming altogether

I honestly do feel sorry for him he was super excited and now he's crushed.

I know the best thing I'd court to get something set in place but I have heard so many story's of people not following it through. Plus one of his children isn't his bio child and he may lose access to her completely

OP - @heidiwine is right. Nip this in the bud now, it won’t get better. Women like your OH’s EW think they are in control and dictate contact. It will never change, or get better.

My OH went through 2 years of hell as his EW used the children to get back at him. She dictated contact, changed arrangements at the last minute. My OH went weeks without seeing his children and wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see them on birthdays, Christmas or during the school holidays.

He took her to court (he offered mediation but she refused) and he got a formal contact order. He has EOW, half of the holidays and alternative Christmas. He also has them in Father’s Day, his birthday and one of the children’s birthdays. His EW would of never agreed to this. She still refers to the children as ‘hers’. In fact he has asked if he can see them in the week or keep them overnight on a Sunday (dropping them back at school on a Monday). But his EW has refused (he currently picks them up Fri 5:15pm and drops them back on a Sunday EOW at 4pm). This arrangement has been in place for 5 years and he has asked for more and she’s said no. So he’s due to go back to court in 2018.

You can not deal with these women. My IH says he wishes he had got a formal contact order sooner. Do it and get your OH to represent himself.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Personally, if you mean he was supposed to have dc from 22nd to 27th that sounds like a long time over Christmas so I'm not surprised she doesn't want to, even if she agreed it originally. Often families split Christmas so that half of Christmas Day is spent with each family, or one has Christmas Day and the other Boxing Day and it alternates.

Also, if he's having every weekend that seems unfair. When does she get to have quality time with the children? Can't they organise to split birthdays?

They both need to think about what the children would like which would probably be to see both families over Christmas and on birthdays.

@doyoumind - you say it’s a long time for the mother to not have the kids (22nd - 27th = 6 days). Most fathers are only ‘allowed’ to see their children every 2 weeks (EOW) but many EW don’t care.

My OH will drop the children off at 4pm this Sunday (the 17th) and then isn’t ‘allowed’ to see them or pick them up until Friday the 29th (that’s 12 days). How come a father has to go 12 days without seeing his children, but god forbid a mother has to go 6 days.

Most families and court orders stipulate EO Christmas. If the mother misses them then i’m sure fathers feel exactly the same. Sadly many EW don’t do what’s best for the children as they are so wrapped up in their own bitterness.

NorthernSpirit I said it was a long time over Christmas. It essentially means the dc wouldn't have any time with their DM over Christmas. I said myself EO Christmas is normal but I don't think 6 days over Christmas is at all normal or fair on the children.

I at no point suggested 12 days between contact is what anyone should be 'allowed'. Often NRPs are awarded EOW and at least one night during the week and so only go a few days without seeing their dc.

I don't believe a court would award every weekend to NRP as this arrangement seems to be.

I do have experience in this area.

And I am looking at all of this from the children's perspective, not the parents'.

@doyoumind. I do agree with you that it should always be about what’s best for the children. And having the EW is unusual. Clearly that’s not working out for the mum as she’s not stopped contact for 3 weeks (the OP says in her original post) and she’s stopped Christmas contact.

My OH won’t have his children Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Unfortunately there’s no compromise in the mothers side so they have a court agreed contact order to alternate.

OP - your OH needs to formally write to the mother. She’s not acting in the best interests of the children.

Another vote for going to court- in my experience, it will never change until you do.

Also, please make sure your DP is doing everything possible to see them in the meantime, and asking as often as possible to see them more, or it will be used against him in hearings. I would also recommend sending her an email every time she cancels/changes contact, something like 'just to confirm, you are saying I can't see the children from x to y'. It makes a neat bundle for court.

Also, any evidence of her treating the children as 'hers' is useful- anything she does to undermine your DP, or to show she ultimately does not see them as equal parents and doesn't view their time together as important. This can help to push the balance in favour of making an order vs upholding the status quo.

It may be true that you can't guarantee any outcome in family proceedings, but if you can reassure your DP of anything it is that he would get alternate Christmases. As my own DP's solicitor and barrister both attested, they had never seen it not granted.

I don’t know about the court system but if I were your DP I’d look into it now. She’s setting up a very one sided arrangement which will only get worse. It really is your only option here.

Judges are very pro contact.

My OH’s EW controlled contact for 2 years and dictated when the father could see his children. How dare he ask to see them on Christmas on their birthdays.... they were ‘her’ children and she would decide (is what my OH was told). Mothers do this as it’s the last control they have.

They now have a court order in place. She’s breached a few times and he has taken her back to court. When she plays up she’s answerable to a judge. On the last breach the court involved social services and a judge told her ‘if you stop the children seeing their father again I will take them off you and they will live with the dad’. She plays up every now and again and the threat of court usually stops her.

My OH wishes he had taken it to court sooner.

Go to court - you can not deal with these women. They are so emotionally damaged and wrapped up in their own needs, they aren’t thinking about what’s best for the children.

Ok guys sorry just been catching up on what every one has wrote.
They agreed with weekend access when they split up so it's something that has carried on. I have suggested to him every other weekend however he has said 3 weekends would be better with them being so young. Plus his son gos to his for afew days each half term holiday. However that is only when ex says as she doesn't want to set anything in stone due to CSA payments

Ex dos not have children any weekend they are with family if not with their dad.

Ex also sees the children as separate ie not full siblings we can see this by how she says daughter will not be coming but u can have your son.

My partner asked for Sunday to boxing day instead of the full six days she has said no. My partner believes this is due to her mum. (I don't know them so can not comment).

She has said that the childten want to spend Christmas day with their mum but why would they want to spend it with dad if thwy haven't seen him. She's spoke to his mum and said she will take the children round to hers christmas day night and the son wants to sleep there.

The children are 6 and 4 and she says she gives them the choice to do as they please but I do feel they are a little young for that especially if auntie is talking about going out for the day with her daughter. Where would the little girl rather be?

My children have said to me many times in the past they don't want to see their dad in fear they miss out at home but I have always said it is important you spend time with your dad and when your older it's up t you. When my ex sorted his head out and started seeing them as his children to. The kids seen and felt that and now love going.

My partner is feeling better about what happened but he said we make plans then she changes them so all plans have to change. And he thinks she isn't going to let the kids come on holiday with us. Which is annoying coz we need to accommodations if we all go but only one if not. So we either wast money are cramp into a caravan for 7 days.
It is very selfish that its her way or no way but there isn't much that can be done. He said he will go to family mediation and go from there.

Tbh I think if she's in a mood he gets it and the children miss out.

Sorry if any of this I'd out of turn I haven't been able to read it back.

Ps I do believe both parents are important no matter how much I dont like my ex for how he has treated the children they love him and to me thier happiness is so much more important than anything. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone thought that way

In regards to access he did ask for a weekend without having the children last year. she was fine with this but dropped his boy at his nannas on the Saturday. Who works a night shift and has bad health issues during winter and many times been rushed to hospital. My partner explained to his ex that his mum was working through Friday night and wouldn't be up saturday till late. But she rang her phone till she woke her up at 12ish on saturday day. Then got his son to ask if he can stay, his mum said yes even though she was tired. But she wasnt happy.
Anyway point is mum wanted to go out that night.

He had the kids as normal one weekend she went to a gig text him on the Sunday night and told him she wouldn't be back till Monday he's to take the kids to school luckily he had their uniforms from the friday but he thinks that it was planned.

She has also taken the children out of school to drop with his mum so she can go out. The children went to school for 3 hours that day she told school they had an appointment (partner rang school).

Which personally I do think is wrong education comes first. You see if someone can pick them up if not you don't go

I'm another one who would strongly advise getting a court order in place now. My DH has had his contact repeatedly eroded over the five years since he left his ex and it's now got to the point where he is currently trying to arrange contact with his DDs for this Christmas. They are off school for 17 days and she has suggested a single visit of a few hours in all that time. A court order would be great but the DDs are in their mid to late teens now, and a pattern of rarely being available to see their dad has been firmly established.
I personally think the emotional blackmail from her makes seeing DH too stressful for them. They always relax once they are here, but it is soooooo hard to make a visit actually happen.
Like you, OP, it is so painful to watch DH suffer. He loves his kids, his whole identity is wrapped up in being a Dad, and she won't let him be one (except when it comes to money).

Oh it's definitely something he will be doing. Especially because he will be moving next year and I don't want her saying bad things to the children. Plus we will need to sort holidays out etc. The only thing is he wouldn't be able to do mid week as he works 6 till 5 and I don't drive plus I will have to get my kids to school. Would that go against him in court?