Communication between stepparent and mother - good or not

[timelord92]

Is it ever a good idea? Does anyone on here have that kind of relationship and if so does it work?

My boyfriend and his ex never communicate about anything that happens with their daughter (she’s 14) so she’s very much put in the middle. If the schedule changes or she needs something for school for instance everything is through her.

I’m thinking it might have to be me as I don’t think she should have that on her shoulders.

Is it a good idea or should I just leave things the way they are?

If anyone on here has gone down that route how have they gone about it in the first place?

Sounds like someone needs to act like the grown up here - would the BM accept talking to you do you think?

Is BM Birth Mother? Just Mother surely? As the OP did I her title.

I think it must be hard on your SD. I have a 14 year old and he'd get very flustered and stressed if it was all on him to coordinate things between me and his Dad.

Would her Mum be receptive to you do you think? It's nice that you want to help.

Can you find an intermediary? Communication has broken down presumably for a reason. I would think very carefully before putting yourself in an intermediary role between them to enable some sort of communication as it will be hard to not become over involved and will cause you no end of stress (speaking from experience)

Communication pretty much always goes between DSS’s mum and I (SM), so it can work. We’re not friends, but I would say we have an amicable relationship (more amicable than her and DH, who just seem to wind each other up).

It didn’t start off that way though, and has probably been quite gradual over time - DSS is 14 and DH and I have been together for 12 years.

Thanks for the replies.

That’s why I’m asking before I put myself out there. Looking to see what happened with other people.

With the type of person I’ve been led to believe the mother (from my step daughter herself, my boyfriend, all his family) is I’m going to say no she won’t be receptive to me communicating with her. She might see me As a threat or interfering even if it is for good reason.

At 14, I don't think there is anything wrong with communication going through her when it relates to things that concerns directly.

Ex and I struggled to communicate as everything turned into conflict so by the time DD was 12, she started communicating directly with him and it make everyone much happier.

DD never complained, it made things a lot easier for her too. There was nothing that she had to take on her shoulder, she took the train by herself by then to see him and there was nothing controversial about what they talked about. He didn't pay maintenance so there was nothing to ever discuss about it anyway.

Well let me give you an example ‘swing of things’.

Today he picked her up from her mums after work and she said she had a party in the city centre tomorrow. He said we could take her but as we are out in the afternoon her mum would have to pick her up. Seems fair to me!

Anyway she text her mum this and her mums response was she can’t do it she doesn’t like driving into town. She then tells her that if he goes to badminton tomorrow evening and she is left again (her choice not to go home btw) then she wasn’t going next weekend.

So now we have a very unhappy girl here crying and saying she might go to the counselling service in school.

Would this have been avoided if it was the two parents communicating with each other?

DP and his ExW don't get on well, but they manage to communicate about essential stuff via text and email. Though now DSS is 15 they don't need as much communication, he does sort a lot of stuff out himself to be honest. He's very organised so I guess that's a good thing.

Whose contact time is the party during? Surely the parent whose contact time it is should be responsible for doing the pick up. Or is the issue that its your time but you didn't get enough warning and made plans elsewhere?

Thedobbyclub

Actually now thinking about it I don’t think she’s that organised as we don’t tend to hear about things until they are upon us. For instance two weekends ago we found out on the Saturday that she had a Nando’s party on the Sunday evening which would be an hour. As it wasn’t enough time to get home and then go back we decided to stay in town with the baby and wait for her but it’s a bit cold now to do that.

We normally would pick her up yes as she will most likely finish at this party well before she is due to go home but we have already decided to go somewhere else this weekend so we won’t physically be there to pick her up.

It doesn’t sound like she is upset because communication is going through her, but more like she feels she is a burden to everyone involved as it doesn’t sound convenient for anyone to pick her up?

I’m not saying this is the actual case, that no one wants to put themselves out for her, but that it might feel like that to her.

At 14 she is old enough to have a diary and if invited on a time when she is with you then she texts you before replying so that any issues can be resolved. I would expect my 12yr old to do that.

It’s such a shame when parents can’t be adults and communicate with each other WRT children.

It’s not fair for a 14 year old to be the ‘middle man’ between so called adults. The adults should be able to communicate with each other over children matters.

My OH has similar challenges to you. He tries to communicate with the EW but she refuses. The ex wife refuses to communicate and uses the children to pass messages (most of which they can’t remember and it leads to confusion). My OH tried but she’s unable to communicate like a rational adult. In fact it so so bad at one stage that a judge has ordered that all communication take place via email for any requested changes to their contact order (which she is still unable to stick to).

Changes to contact are done through email (and responses have to be received within 4 days). It’s court ordered.

For any other communication with regards to the children, it’s done via a ‘contact book’ that travels between houses (god help us when the children are able to read it as they’ll be exposed to her vitriol). However it does work and it means the children don’t have to act as intermediaries.

What do people think about her getting the bus home which will take near enough to the door? Is that unreasonable at 14 if it will be I’m guessing 2pm. Bearing in mind she manages to get to and from school by bus every day

Northern spirit - going through court woulda be a good idea but it would cost a lot. It might be an idea tho to at least ask about it at citizens advice.

I am just wondering why you have plans elsewhere on a day when she is supposed to be with you?

Well my year 7 12 yo gets the bus to and from the centre of the city to see her friends, so your 14 yo should manage!

I'm divorced from my 14 year old dd's dad and I am trying to instill into her that before she agrees to go out that she needs to sort out how to get there and back. It's not like in primary school where you get an invitation because often teens aren't very organised and decide on an outing last minute or tell their parents last minute. Dd has a party that clashes with her next weekend with Dad. She knows that it's up to her to organize a late pick up or swap weekends with her Dad. I've known about this party for a week and told her to discuss with him over this weekend's visit. He's very flexible so I'm not anticipating a problem but it's between them whether the best solution is to swap weekends, go to his later etc

I think the dd taking a bus is a perfectly reasonable. It's not rush hour or late at night when drunks might be around.

I wasn’t suggesting you get a court order (as it sounds like contact is fine). My OH was forced to go down that route as mother used the children as weapons and regulary refused contact.

How about agreeing to changes of contact through email and other ‘stuff’ through a contact book? It stops the children being used as messengers and putting them in difficult situations.

I wouldn’t act as the intermediary. The children should be discussed between the parents only and you’ll only put yourself in a different situation.

And yes, a 14 year old should be able to travel on the bus on her own during the day.

I found this a nightmare and it was part of what caused the breakup of my.relationship - the mother wanted to communicate but got hugely demanding of me, overbearing and really quite intrusive. At 14 the SC is old enough to manage contact and there is no need for the parents to have routine contact themselves (this is what widely gets said on here)

Oh the latest is that apparently her mum said she couldn’t get the bus from town, even tho she gets the bus everyday for work.

How does that contact book work? That might be an idea.

The mother does use her as weapons I just thought at her age now that she would tell her mum what she was doing rather than letting her dictate what she can’t come.

My boyfriend doesn’t want to go to badminton now as he’s been told that if he goes she isn’t coming the following weekend, even tho for years she was dropped off at 6 in the evening every Sunday anyway. It only changed because he started asking her what she wanted to do, stay or wait till we come home.

The contact book works by all communication is written in the book (and so stops the need for messages to be passed on by children).

Disgusting behaviour by the mother threatening to stop contact. The child has a right to see her dad and that mother is stopping the right for her own selfish reasons.

Am presuming you don’t have a formal contact order (which is a shame as she’d be breaking the law and could be unforced). At 14 I would say it’s too late to go down the contact order route (they cease at 16). The child is old enough to make her own decisions and if the mother stops contact maybe she can explain to her daughter why.

My oldest SC is 12 and the mother is so emotionally damaged she still uses the children as weapons (my OH has a formal contact order). The mother won’t let the children spend a minute more with the father than is in the order. We’re just waiting for the children to be able to make their own decisions.

So the problem is that she assumed her dad would take her and pick her up. It's not a problem of communication with her mum but with her. At 14 she should have known to text her dad as soon as she knew about the party to discuss pick up arrangements.

As for the evening are you saying mum is having an issue with her being at your house alone for an hour? At 14?

Yes swing of things I’m saying her mother is saying she has a problem with a 14 year old staying on her own for 2 hours while we go to badminton.

Although it’s ok when it’s at her house.

What you do on your own contact time has nothing to do with the mother. Just as what she does on her time you have no say.

The mothers being difficult. If she can be own her own for 2 hours on the mothers time, then she can be on her own for 2 hours on your time.