Communication between stepparent and mother - good or not

[timelord92]

Is it ever a good idea? Does anyone on here have that kind of relationship and if so does it work?

My boyfriend and his ex never communicate about anything that happens with their daughter (she’s 14) so she’s very much put in the middle. If the schedule changes or she needs something for school for instance everything is through her.

I’m thinking it might have to be me as I don’t think she should have that on her shoulders.

Is it a good idea or should I just leave things the way they are?

If anyone on here has gone down that route how have they gone about it in the first place?

Is she staying on her own or she left looking after the baby. If the former, absolutely ridiculous and even more reason to stop any contact with the mother and just sort things out with the daughter.

If the issue with the mum is that she is left looking after the baby so that you can go play badminton together (which is what my ex used to do), then it is more understandable she would have an issue with it.

Swing of things - oh god no we don’t leave the baby with her the baby went to my mums, so she was on her own here till we came back. That is what she decided to do rather than go home.

Thinking about it tho I guess the issue is that her mother is wondering why she wants to stay in ours on her own that go home and spend that time with her mother.

Yes, that makes more sense. It sounds like she needs to come to terms that at 14, nothing is more precious than time on your own! My kids love it most when they have the house for themselves, not because they are up to no good, just because there's no demand, moaning during that time and they can sneak that packet of biscuit!

Her mum will struggle to tell her DD that she can't come to you if she is happy to do so at her age. Is your OH doing all the picking up/dropping off? I guess it helps that in my case, DD and DS went back and forth with public transport, so no interaction or dependency on each other.

Swing of things - yes my boyfriend does all the dropping off and picking up. She could get the bus or walk cos it is only a 5 min bus journey but her mum tells her she can’t presumably to get her dad to bend over backwards doing what she wants.

She lets her get the bus to school tho and when she’s on half term she lets her get the bus to her nans. But she still refuses to let her do that on her dads time even if it’s to go shopping for clothes even tho the retail park is 5 mins from the house.

But it's not for her to refuse is it? Clearly your boyfriend can't control her getting on the bus to get to him, but he can take her to the bus stop on the way back, although the issue might be with being dark when she would get on it, so would probably have been easier starting this before the time changed.

If she wants to do something in the day, whilst she's with him and she can do so with the bus, then your boyfriend needs to tell her to take the bus just like she does at her mum.

DS1s SM and I do all the communication, it’s much easier that way. That said, we get on and I actually really like her so that helps.

SWing of things - it’s not for her mum to refuse no but she does anyway and everyone still does what her mum says.

Every time she wants new clothes she won’t just walk the 10 mins up the road she has to have her dad there (as she is with us every weekend). I’ve never heard of her going the shops on her own then making her own way here even tho she has keys.

I’ve been a step parent for more years that I care to remember. My DP and his ex have a dreadful relationship and the children are stuck right in the middle of it. It’s shit for everyone especially the children. However I would absolutely not (under any circumstances) become the go between. Hard as it is I think you should rise above it, be as flexible and supportive as possible with your DSD. Your DP should be demanding a higher level of organisation from his DD (through frequent communication) and not involving his ex in logistics when his DD is in his care. For example this weekend when she has a party he should say:
we can get you there but we can’t get you back - so you either come with us or get the bus back (no other options given).

If you try to become the go between you will be seen as interfering (and with all my years if step parenting hindsight I think you probably would be interfering - I can understand your motives but it’s not your circus...)

So why isn't your boyfriend saying something? It sounds to me that this is what the issue is about, I don't see how you communicating with mum directly would things any different.

A 14 year old can get the bus in the afternoon fgs. She csn also stay alone for 2 hours

From 11 most kids take themselves to school.