DH dropping off DSC - Am I being paranoid?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

DH and I have been together 6 years. His DCs, DSD 1 and DSS, nearly 12, spend 50% of their time with us (Weds to Sat). DH takes them back to their mum on Saturday afternoon which is a 20 minute tube journey (40-45 minutes door to door). I know how long the journey takes as I have done it before and DH often takes a lot longer than 45 minutes (usually at least 1 hour or 1 hour 15 minutes). I know I am being ridiculous but I imagine him having a nice cosy cup of tea with his ex in that time which really irks me. I asked him once if he spent 15-20 minutes talking to his ex had handover and he said no, he never goes in. He is not running any other chores or errands on the way there or back so there is potentially 20 or 30 minutes which I can't account for. I asked him about it previously and we had a massive row with him saying I don't trust him. I don't mind if he does have things to discuss with his ex but wish he would be upfront about it. Am I being mad/paranoid? My ex had an affair (as did DH when with his ex (not with me)) so makes me wonder.

[gamerchick]

fucking hell! Poor man. Do you time all his journeys to work? To the corner shop? To visit his mum

I wondered the same.

OP why are you punishing your bloke for the actions of ex’s in the past? Just because you have been cheated on doesn’t give you the right to punish your partner for it. It doesn’t excuse what you’re doing.

[EggysMom]

t's a 45 minute journey max but it takes him around 1 hour 15. The timings definitely aren't off. He also leaves our house at 4.15 to get to the mum's house at 5pm. It's a 16 minute tube journey and our house is a 10-15 minute walk from the tube. 45 minutes is already generous.

What about the time walking from the tube station to the mum's house, you haven't taken that into consideration? 15mins walk + 16 mins tube + ?mins walk at the other end ...

Maybe he thinks he's only talking at the door for a minute when his children get to their mum's, and maybe he's actually talking for 10 minutes. Maybe he walks more slowly so he can talk to the children out of earshot of the mum. Maybe they want to talk to him out of earshot of you, heaven forbid, they could be talking about you

One thing for sure. He's not having an affair with his ex, not in 20 minutes with teenage children present.

[RebootYourEngine]

I can go to my sisters or a friends house to drop something off. I stay on the doorstep and we have a quick chat but in reality it is probably a 20/30 minute chat.

I reckon this is what is happening. He probably just loses track of time.

[swingofthings]

I understand where you're coming from. You clearly have a relationship that is quite possessive by nature and with some distrust in there due to the past.

Surely if he's been delayed by 30 mns each time for the past 6 years and you are absolutely certain that it takes less, then it is obvious that he is having a chat with her.

The issue is therefore why he isn't telling you and clearly he isn't because if he did, he would admit to double standard if he has been telling you that he wouldn't want your ex at the house. I expect he thinks his ex is not as bad as yours, afterall, it's him who cheated on her so it's ok to have a cup of tea with her whereas he believes your ex is a jerk and therefore doesn't deserve a nice cup of tea with his wife.

He probably lied the first time because it was easier than having to go through a whole conversation about the above and now is stuck with it.

Frankly, if your issue is with him lying, picking up on another lie that doesn't involve relationship with others, unless that's his only lie in which case, I'd let it go. He might tell you at a time he feels that by doing so, he's not going to get his head bitten off.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Thank you swing of things, finally some sense. It's more why he is not telling me. I don't actually think he is having an affair or doing anything untoward, but given that it's clearly a weekly arrangement, wonder why he is not more upfront about it. Just smacks of double standards when he is not ok with my ex standing outside the door for more than 1 minute.

Not sure why I am having to spend so long convincing people re the timing!!!!!!!!!! His ex lives 2 minutes (500 metres) metres from the tube. Even walking slowly, it cannot take more than 3-5 minutes to walk there. Our house is is 10-15 minute walk from the tube. The tube is 15 minutes. The journey IS 45 minutes!!!!!!

[Goodluckjonathan76]

And yes, Swing, I think that is exactly how he sees it. And, apart from mentioning it once, I have always let it go. I just wish he would say, we like to have a 20/30 minute catch-up over a coffee, or just acknowledge it in some way. I know they whatsapp/email about arrangements as well (no, I have not looked at this phone EVER!) so not sure why he needs 20-30 minutes with her every week. If it was occasionally or as and when they needed to discuss something then fine. My ex texted earlier saying we need to discuss schools for DS1. It wouldn't occur to me not to tell DH that I was meeting my ex for a coffee to discuss schools and I am pretty sure he would be pissed off if I didn't.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

I never do meet my ex for coffee either. We just text/email about arrangements. Handovers are typically quick/civil.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

He takes them back at 4.15pm on Saturday - not rush hour. As for having time with his thoughts, we barely see each other as I work full time, we both do different things our kids at the weekend due to clubs/hobbies etc so the only time we actually have together is from about 10pm until bed time. So the idea of him dying to have 5 minutes away from me on his own is bonkers. We don't have any time together in the first place! For example, I was out all day yesterday at football with my sons, he was with his kids elsewhere. I didn't see him between 9.30 until 6.20 when he got home.

[Tilapia]

Actually I kind of see your point OP. Of course he shouldn’t have to account for every moment of his time, but if it always takes him 2 hours to do a 1.5 hour journey then it does seem likely that he is stopping for a cup of tea with his ex. Which is fine but he should be honest about it. And it shouldn’t turn into a massive row when you query it.

Or maybe he’s doing something else he knows you wouldn’t approve of? Sneaky fag or popping into a betting shop?!

Anyway, you’ve asked, he’s refused to give you an explanation, I’m not sure there’s much more you can do. Just try not to let it bother you I guess?

[TwoDots]

Op, honestly I do completely understand where you are coming from. Openness and honesty are really important to me, not to check up on a person before anyone says that. I just think it’s important in a relationship

[TwoDots]

For me, it helps build trust and keep a connection

[TheOtherGirl]

The sheer amount of pernickity detail you have recounted here does make you appear both paranoid and obsessed.

But to be honest you both sound rather immature and childish. You're there working out exact timings of his journey and splitting hairs over how fast he might walk compared to your walking speed. He's there stamping his feet in temper if your ex so much as darkens your door step.

You both need to grow up and calm down. You chose to marry someone who had already demonstrated that he doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.

[twattymctwatterson]

Right so it’s a 10/15 walk from your house each way - 20/30 mins. 15 minute tube ride each way, so that’s already an hour long journey not factoring in walking to the ex’s and back from the tube, saying goodbye to the kids and waiting for the train on the way back

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Could he be delaying his return so that he doesn’t have to do household chores like get dinner on or tidy?

[Charley50]

I think SwingOfThings synopsis / theory is correct. He's always hung out at exes for 20 minutes whatever; but he doesn't want to appear to be a hypocrite, telling you your ex can't even hang about on the doorstep, so he pretends he just drops off and goes as well. One (undercover) rule for him, another one for you.

[Biglettuce]

I do have some sympathy OP. It’s irksome and regular playing hello at Exes House isn’t great but...

• you will come across as paranoid.
  
• you won’t change it but encourage him to be more secretive.
  
• he may well quite enjoy your jealousy!
  

The only way to protect yourself is come clean, say you’d been a bit irked, but that you know this is not the end of the world. Tell him, you accept it and just want to protect your own relationship so ask him nicely to just share it with you, ask him to open up, say you might learn something about the kids from their conversations.

Even if you have to grit your teeth!

[LegallyBrunet]

You're being really paranoid. He could be talking to his ex about any issues that have come up over the weekend and showing his children that their parents can still be civil with each other. Or he could be grabbing a cup of tea before heading back, I know my partner sometimes likes to do this after dropping his son off

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Twatty, FFS with the timing. He leaves at 4.15 gets back at 6.15/6,30. It's 2 hours for the round trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tilapia]

Twatty, OP has explained the timings several times now!!

[Biglettuce]

Also, not sure why any posters think ops being paranoid. She said it was irksome. I think that’s a natural measured reaction.

He likes the familiarity. He gets something being with his ex. It’s not a long time, so not threatening. But irksome because he should
A) be weaned off that Cosy cup of tea with Ex by now. Grow up!
B) not subject op to double standards with her ex.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

The title asks if she is being paranoid.

[Iwanttobeanonymous]

I dont think he is habing a quickie with his ex wife. Hes lrobably pjtting the kids on the tube to go home by themselves and while he has a not-so-quickie with someone else

[CocoaXx]

I think the extra detail that he doesn’t like you chatting to the father of your DC on the doorstep is important here.
My initial post was that it was ridiculous to worry about him chatting with the mother of their kids at handover - for 15-20 minutes or a cup of tea I think there is no issue, it allows them to co-parent effectively and DC to know they get along.
I think that is fine.

What is not fine is him not telling you if this is what is happening and him disallowing you the same familiarity with your ex (which is surely your business).

[swingofthings]

so not sure why he needs 20-30 minutes with her every week. If it was occasionally or as and when they needed to discuss something then fine.
This is exactly why he doesn't tell you. If he did, you would go on about what he needs and doesn't need to do. Then he would have to be honest and say that it's not about need but that he actually enjoy spending 20 minutes catching up, and if he did, you would go mad.

Maybe he doesn't hate his ex and doesn't mind a quick chat but if he has build this picture that she is horrible to you, then it makes it hard to then admit that he doesn't mind her, especially when he knows that you are naturally insecure do to the past and the fact that this is not something you would do with your ex. He is trying to protect you, but at the same time, wants the freedom to speak to whoever he wants without having to justify himself.

[NorthernSpirit]

You sound very controlling and yes paranoid (my personal opinion).

Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect. It sounds like you don’t have much of either.

I would go spare if my OH asked me to account for my time. It’s got nothing to do with him. And if a man acted in this style he’d be accused of being a controlling bully.

Let him drop his kids off in peace. It really doesn’t matter if it’s a 10 / 15 min walk or 16 min tube ride. You can’t control people’s actions. Relax.