DH dropping off DSC - Am I being paranoid?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

DH and I have been together 6 years. His DCs, DSD 1 and DSS, nearly 12, spend 50% of their time with us (Weds to Sat). DH takes them back to their mum on Saturday afternoon which is a 20 minute tube journey (40-45 minutes door to door). I know how long the journey takes as I have done it before and DH often takes a lot longer than 45 minutes (usually at least 1 hour or 1 hour 15 minutes). I know I am being ridiculous but I imagine him having a nice cosy cup of tea with his ex in that time which really irks me. I asked him once if he spent 15-20 minutes talking to his ex had handover and he said no, he never goes in. He is not running any other chores or errands on the way there or back so there is potentially 20 or 30 minutes which I can't account for. I asked him about it previously and we had a massive row with him saying I don't trust him. I don't mind if he does have things to discuss with his ex but wish he would be upfront about it. Am I being mad/paranoid? My ex had an affair (as did DH when with his ex (not with me)) so makes me wonder.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sure you want to stay with him, OP?

I'd go nuts about the lack of respect in not telling you plans. Finding out thatDSC were coming for Christmas the week before, but everyone but you knowing for weeks in advance?!

That is real, hard core disrespect.

Yes he has tea with his ex. He could also have a thousand other things going on in his life which you know nothing about. They may be all absolutely above board or they may not. The point is, you'd never know if dare to ask because he clearly sees you as way, WAY beneath being someone he has to consider, to involve, to respect the opinion of.

You can see exactly how a man like this once cheated.

And yet you can't even speak to your ex at the door.

One rule for him eh?!

Think hard about whether this man is the one you want to grow old with. Because he sounds like a dud!

[Goodluckjonathan76]

I think he does the drop offs because he used to live near his ex but then moved in with me a couple of years ago which is further away and so he feels obliged to do drop-off as he is the one who moved although his ex is now moving further away so question if that will continue. Am sure it will. He also still drops DSCs at least part the way to school and meets them on their return journey on the 3.5 days a week they are with us so I think it's a lot to do with his parenting style. I guess I just imagined nearly 12 and 14 year olds would be more independent. Some of the kids in my son's year (year 5) are starting to walk to and from school alone. I know DSC's journey is longer but in some ways it's safe as main roads/tubes etc. Anyhow, as others have said, nothing I can do about it but it does drive a wedge between us as I do think he is being less than honest. I know he glosses over things/doesn't mention stuff or mentions it at the last minute and I just find it annoying and disrespectful.

As for holidays, have tried to pin him down multiple times and same old story. Last year I had to ask a million times were DSCs were spending Christmas and DH kept saying, I don;'t know etc etc. I finally, like a week before, asked DSD who said it had been agreed months ago that they were spending Xmas with us! I will definitely book my own holidays with the kids otherwise they miss out or we end up paying a fortune. Also, my childcare arrangements with my ex have just changed so he gets far more of the holidays than before so I now really need to plan to make sure I actually get time with DSs.

[SandyY2K]

My ex actually asked to meet up to discuss schools. I would usually mention to DH that I am meeting my ex for a coffee. Or should I not bother?

Definitely mention it, otherwise it looks like you have something to hide.

I think it usually tends to be the dads who do pick up and drop offs.

Although there's nothing stopping you from doing drop offs to your Ex. Change it up a bit.





I definitely don't think you can insist on his Ex coming to your house ... and I would also do what you do in organising holidays with your sons if your DH can't commit.

[NorthernSpirit]

OP - does your OH do all the drop offs because the EW refuses to do them?

As an example my OH would love to share pick / up’s drop off but the EW refuses to do them and says that if the father wants to see the kids then he does it (she hasn’t done one single one in 5 years). Is your OH in the same position?

I understand your OH taking them to the door. Maybe he wants to make sure they get home safe, or just spend as long with them as he can? If he’s travelled that far with them I don’t see why he wouldn’t do the final 2 mins. That’s not unreasonable.

Honesty is the best policy. I would continue to act with integrity and honesty if you are meeting or conversing with the ex. No need for you to hide this information. Relationships have to be built on trust and honesty.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

It also doesn't help that DH always does the drop offs and his ex never comes to our house. Can't help but feel that's because they wouldn't be able to have their catch-ups in quite the same way if I was around.

I can understand that DH wants to take DSC on the tube for drop off but does he need to do the 2 minute walk to their mum's house with them, every time? If there was something they needed to discuss then fine, but every week?

My ex actually asked to meet up to discuss schools. I would usually mention to DH that I am meeting my ex for a coffee. Or should I not bother?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Thanks Sandy. No, I rarely do drop-offs to my ex's place, he always comes here which DH hates.

DH would go crazy if I made that comment re timings so I keep my mouth shut. It just breeds resentment though as I feel he is not being upfront then there is the issue of complete double standards on his part.

As for trying to pin him down re holidays, it's completely impossible as he will never agree to anything until his ex has said what she is doing. I have actually given up on that point and decided to just book holidays with the boys as otherwise they miss out.

As for why I married a cheater, it was because I fell in love with him. I struggle all the time to trust him completely and the moment I feel he is not being completely honest I start to worry.

[SandyY2K]

Have you ever said "I do that journey and it takes me 45 minutes, I was wondering why it always takes you longer.

I understand how being betrayed can make you a bit paranoid.

Do you ever do drop offs with your Ex? Maybe you should spend a bit longer than required and see how that goes down.

I have to say a 14 and 12 year old go to school alone and can do that journey on their own, after being walked to the tube station.

In the winter when it gets dark quicker.... He can take them all the way home.

After being cheated on ... I would never have married a cheater.... why did you knowing this?

[CocoaXx]

Hi,
I think you mixed me up with another poster, as I didn't say about painting the ex as horrible. I said, with the extra detail about why you are irked, your feelings make more sense.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Just annoying that he has time for these chats and to get organised with his ex but not with me.

If you typed this in the first place rather than how many minutes each leg of the journey takes, you’d have lots of sympathy.

But then you spoil it with stuff like
Clearly this thread is telling me that I am a total and utter moron for daring to even wonder where DH is/why he takes so long. I praise you all for being so amazingly wonderful and secure in your relationships. Well done to you all. So glad you don't struggle in life. You are all better human beings that me.
And
Note to self in future. Never post these types of threads on MN as they invariably end up with the poster being told you are an utter waste of space. Must not forget this in future.

You are not unreasonable to be paranoid about him considering his relationship history but you made a decision to commit so you need to trust him until he gives you reason not to. You are not unreasonable to be pissed off about the double standards with regards to your ex but the timings (which is the main point of your OP) paints you as being unreasonable. Sorry (I know it’s not AIBU but if it were it’d be a case of both YABU and YANBU.

[Butterymuffin]

I'd do two things now:

1. I'd tell him you want to sit down and agree holiday arrangements etc at a particular time, and if not you will just be going ahead and booking things, but you want to do this as he makes time to do it with the ex (don't bother explaining when and how you think he does this, just state it as a fact)
   
   
2. tell him your ex is going to come to the house to have the schools discussion, as things ended years ago now and you think it's time you could all do this like adults. Again, tell him, don't ask permission. Don't say anything about his own habits in this respect. But wait and see if he decides now to come clean. If you're asked to justify your choice, do it on the basis of being mature about things, rather than anything he does.

[Tilapia]

Yes, I agree with swingofthings.

You got these responses because the wording of your OP implies you think he's having an affair with his ex (the last sentence and the word 'paranoid' in the title). There's no reason at all to think he is. But if it's other things that are bothering you (him not being honest, him being better at making plans with his ex than with you, him being inconsistent in his attitude to your ex and his own), then you are not being unreasonable. I think if you'd focused on these in your OP (a lot of people don't bother reading the whole thread when they reply) you'd have got different answers.

[swingofthings]

I think it's the way you expressed your concern that prompted the kind of responses you received. Your post focused on the timing rather than on your concern that he wasn't upfront about the level of engagement he has with his ex, so the responses got sidetracked.

If he told you that he did have a cup of tea with her for half an hour each time by which time they talked about the kids and life is general, how would you feel and react? I think that's what you need to focus on. If it made you very upset, then you would need to ask why and understand that's the reason he wouldn't tell you.

[Appuskidu]

Just annoying that he has time for these chats and to get organised with his ex but not with me.

Right-that is why you are pissed off and rightly so! I would be annoyed if I couldn't pin my DH down to conversations over future plans.

That is probably exactly what's happening though-he is chatting to her and making arrangements about the kids and won't tell you that's what he's doing because he knows you'll complain that he won't do that with you.

[Biglettuce]

Well just to say OP again you aren’t alone in this. Your man is being indulgent and getting a quiet kick out of this, like mine, in a way they would both hate about our exes. I’d tell him you had a little chat about the kids to your ex while he was out!

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Note to self in future. Never post these types of threads on MN as they invariably end up with the poster being told you are an utter waste of space. Must not forget this in future.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

I wouldn't say stewing. With a full time job, two DSs and a blended family to manage and a diagnosis of melanoma this year and having just gone through IVF, I have bigger fish to fry. It just irks and upsets me sometimes and I wondered if I was silly to feel this way. Clearly this thread is telling me that I am a total and utter moron for daring to even wonder where DH is/why he takes so long. I praise you all for being so amazingly wonderful and secure in your relationships. Well done to you all. So glad you don't struggle in life. You are all better human beings that me.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

Have you really been stewing over this for years?!

[swingofthings]

and there is no reason why he couldn't just say that he stops off for a while to chat.
You are contradicting yourself there. On one hand you say that you don't have an issue with it, but then you say that he really doesn't have any need to do so, or is it that you've decided it is ok if it's occasionally, but not if it's every time?

As for the commitment to the arrangements, it really depends on the circumstances. Is it that he can't commit to holiday arrangements because it would mean asking his ex to have the children during his normal time, or because of work or both?

What arrangement does he make with his ex without consulting you? Does it involve only him, ie. he agrees to look after them one day, but that involves him taking the day off to look after them, which would be different than if he was to agree to it, but then expect you to look after the children.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

When my ex drops off the DCs often they will have things they want to show him - how they have rearranged their room, a great piece of homework or art that they’ve brought home etc so he will often pop in and stay for a while, use the loo etc.

If I’m putting the kettle on anyway I will offer him one, but we’re not sitting and having a cosy chat with each other, it’s more that the DCs are stringing out their goodbyes and easing the transition from one parent to the other.

FWIW he sometimes stays for dinner but DP would never have an issue with it because he knows nothing untoward is going on and he has a similar relationship with his ex.

However, I still find it uncomfortable because he and his ex don’t seem to have any boundaries - in the early days he would mention her being at his house and going up to his bed for a nap etc , so obviously I don’t feel as comfortable about them doing the same things as me and my ex. It may seem hypocritical but it’s two different situations. So it may be that’s why he feels a certain way about your ex and yet doesn’t see it the same way for himself?

Anyway, it sounds like you have some issues around trust and he needs to realise that you are feeling anxious and would rather know the full truth, even if he thinks it will upset you to know he’s hanging out there. It’s most likely with the kids rather than their mum, but even so, he needs to be totally open, especially given both of your relationship histories.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

CocoaXX, he doesn't have to build a picture of his ex like that. I have no problem with his ex at all. We've met several times and always got on well. No question of her being horrible etc and there is no reason why he couldn't just say that he stops off for a while to chat.

I think what is adding to me finding it irksome is that DH is able to find time to have these chats about arrangements etc with his ex but not with me. I am often trying to plan stuff, e.g. holidays for next year, but he never wants to discuss and when he does I can never get him to commit to anything. I then find out that he has agreed arrangements with his ex. Just annoying that he has time for these chats and to get organised with his ex but not with me.

[NorthernSpirit]

You sound very controlling and yes paranoid (my personal opinion).

Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect. It sounds like you don’t have much of either.

I would go spare if my OH asked me to account for my time. It’s got nothing to do with him. And if a man acted in this style he’d be accused of being a controlling bully.

Let him drop his kids off in peace. It really doesn’t matter if it’s a 10 / 15 min walk or 16 min tube ride. You can’t control people’s actions. Relax.

[swingofthings]

so not sure why he needs 20-30 minutes with her every week. If it was occasionally or as and when they needed to discuss something then fine.
This is exactly why he doesn't tell you. If he did, you would go on about what he needs and doesn't need to do. Then he would have to be honest and say that it's not about need but that he actually enjoy spending 20 minutes catching up, and if he did, you would go mad.

Maybe he doesn't hate his ex and doesn't mind a quick chat but if he has build this picture that she is horrible to you, then it makes it hard to then admit that he doesn't mind her, especially when he knows that you are naturally insecure do to the past and the fact that this is not something you would do with your ex. He is trying to protect you, but at the same time, wants the freedom to speak to whoever he wants without having to justify himself.

[CocoaXx]

I think the extra detail that he doesn’t like you chatting to the father of your DC on the doorstep is important here.
My initial post was that it was ridiculous to worry about him chatting with the mother of their kids at handover - for 15-20 minutes or a cup of tea I think there is no issue, it allows them to co-parent effectively and DC to know they get along.
I think that is fine.

What is not fine is him not telling you if this is what is happening and him disallowing you the same familiarity with your ex (which is surely your business).

[Iwanttobeanonymous]

I dont think he is habing a quickie with his ex wife. Hes lrobably pjtting the kids on the tube to go home by themselves and while he has a not-so-quickie with someone else

[eyebrowsonfleek]

The title asks if she is being paranoid.