DH dropping off DSC - Am I being paranoid?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

DH and I have been together 6 years. His DCs, DSD 1 and DSS, nearly 12, spend 50% of their time with us (Weds to Sat). DH takes them back to their mum on Saturday afternoon which is a 20 minute tube journey (40-45 minutes door to door). I know how long the journey takes as I have done it before and DH often takes a lot longer than 45 minutes (usually at least 1 hour or 1 hour 15 minutes). I know I am being ridiculous but I imagine him having a nice cosy cup of tea with his ex in that time which really irks me. I asked him once if he spent 15-20 minutes talking to his ex had handover and he said no, he never goes in. He is not running any other chores or errands on the way there or back so there is potentially 20 or 30 minutes which I can't account for. I asked him about it previously and we had a massive row with him saying I don't trust him. I don't mind if he does have things to discuss with his ex but wish he would be upfront about it. Am I being mad/paranoid? My ex had an affair (as did DH when with his ex (not with me)) so makes me wonder.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

If not clear, DH also had an affair when married to his ex. My ex also had an affair. I make no apologies for being paranoid. If he wants to have a catch-up/cup of tea with his ex then fine but I would appreciate him being honest. There is no mix up over timings. He is gone for about 2 hours in total.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

So it’s gone from 1hr-1hr15 to 2 hours now?

[PhuntSox]

Follow him, then you can be sure!
Or let it go, as its not a lot of missing time is it.

[bunerison]

Seriously, you need to get a grip. He may be having a cup of tea with his ex. He might also be stopping to grab a Starbucks, looking at the paper in WH Smith, staring at the houses in the estate agents, waiting in a queue to top up his Oyster card, all manner of things. You must chill out because he's quite clearly not having a shag with his ex

[georgie262]

Turn his tracker on his phone and track him!

YABU

[CherieBabySpliffUp]

If you read the op properly nocry it's 45 minutes door to door. So 2x45 minutes is 1.5 hours. An extra 20 minutes each way is 40 minutes. Hth

[Belleoftheball8]

Why on earth did you marry him knowing he cheated on his ex wife with his ex? Did you think you would be any different? If he can cheat on his wife who he has dc with and a family unit there’s nothing stopping him doing it again and I think you know deep down op which is why you have these thoughts

[swingofthings]

How do you know he is not honest? Maybe he really does chat but saying a few words, good bye to his kids, stopping for a drink, the toilet can quickly amount to the time missed.

You asked if you were being paranoid and all agreed that you are. You needs to work on this before you drive him away. Its horrible to be watched and having to account for every minutes. You chose him and his history you now bed to accept that he has changed his ways otherwise why being with him?

[bottlesandcans]

You are deranged surely.
Can't stand the thought of him having a cup of tea with the mother of his children and you can't account for 20 minutes of his time.


Possessive, controlling and... dare we say it? Abusive behaviour. Let's hope he runs fast and far. I would.

[blueskyinmarch]

Is it possible that he and the DC dawdle a bit to get some nice quality time together? Maybe they pop into a shop to pick up drinks or snacks or walk a longer way that they like? Maybe he likes a slow stroll on the way back. I wouldn't think he is up to anything worrying.

[Branleuse]

i dont see the problem. I quite often have a short chat at the door with my ex, or sometimes his wife, or ds1s stepsister. Nothing dodgy about it whatsoever

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Sorry but you sound really, really paranoid, and very controlling.

You time his trips to drop the kids off to the minute??

Seriously get a grip. And grow up

Even if he is having a cuppa with her, why does it matter?

He has children with her ffs, they need to talk about stuff.
It's healthy for children to see their seperated parents get on.

[Moreisnnogedag]

In all seriousness, why are you with him? A large part of any healthy relationship is trust. You don't see anything wrong with being with a man that you feel should account for every last minute? At the very least, this is not great for your own mental health. Try and look at it from the other side, if your partner told you that you were taking too long to do something and needed to 'own up' to what was happening in that time, what would your reaction be?

I'm interested to know when you found out he had had an affair. Did you not reconsider being in the relationship?

[Ilovetolurk]

He probably needs to brace himself for his return poor man perhaps a stiff gin and tonic at wetherspoons on the way home

[lunar1]

There is no way on earth I would justify my whereabouts to anyone down to the last 20 mins. I’m not surprised he’s not pandering to your ridiculous questions.

[Voice0fReason]

You don't have to apologise for being paranoid, but you do need to accept that it is entirely your problem and if you keep treating him with such mistrust, you are going to damage your relationship.

And you have gone from him being missing for about 1 hour in your first post, to 2 hours a few posts later.

[RavingRoo]

Leave him for his own good.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

It's a long time since I lived in London but a 20 minute window with public transport is absolutely normal.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Perhaps he is genuinely bemused that there is any "missing" time at all, there he is, pottering along with his children, enjoying a last few minutes in their company before handing them over, maybe just missing a train and waiting for the next one, having a natter with them, pausing on the doorstep to talk to exW about child-related stuff (e.g. X forgot her charger, she can pick it up next week) and then pottering home again.

While you sit at home doing the folding of the arms, the pursing of the lips and the tapping of the feet wondering why he doesn't just wave the children off from the end of the road and hurry up and give you all his attention right now.

[keepondreaming]

My exH often stops for a cuppa and catch up when he drops DC back. 14 years ago, I hated him but plastered on a smile. It worked. We have a good relationship now, kids are comfortable in the presence of him & I, equally with step parents.
I quite enjoy our chats, I catch up with news of his parents (who I’m still fond of) and we agree any parenting strategies that might be needed. (Teens need managing!)
There’s no attraction or romance whatsoever, but we’re bound by the DC, a relationship that’s unique to us.
Don’t stress if he is chatting with her, it can only be a good thing surely?

[HeebieJeebies456]

Simple solution - go with him next time and see how long it takes without stopping to chat to ex......

[QueenInTheNorth26]

Could he not just be grabbing a drink and something to eat?.

[LilQueenie]

the problem is, as you say, he had an affair when married. So in your mind once a cheat always a cheat. this is the issue, not the kids, not the ex. Its him you have trust issues with.

[CamperVamp]

At 12 and 14 London kids don’t need escorting on tne tube, no. But if he’s always done it, he probably sees it as his fatherly duty.

So what does he say he does with the extra time?

It is very unlikely that he has an affair on such a short space of time. Or lies about going with the kids (they could all too easily mention it).

[deepestdarkestperu]

Maybe he takes them so he gets more time with them? Makes sense to me.

And timing him is absurd, sorry. He may have cheated but you chose to get into a relationship with him knowing that. That was your choice. So either learn to trust him, or end the marriage.