DH dropping off DSC - Am I being paranoid?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

DH and I have been together 6 years. His DCs, DSD 1 and DSS, nearly 12, spend 50% of their time with us (Weds to Sat). DH takes them back to their mum on Saturday afternoon which is a 20 minute tube journey (40-45 minutes door to door). I know how long the journey takes as I have done it before and DH often takes a lot longer than 45 minutes (usually at least 1 hour or 1 hour 15 minutes). I know I am being ridiculous but I imagine him having a nice cosy cup of tea with his ex in that time which really irks me. I asked him once if he spent 15-20 minutes talking to his ex had handover and he said no, he never goes in. He is not running any other chores or errands on the way there or back so there is potentially 20 or 30 minutes which I can't account for. I asked him about it previously and we had a massive row with him saying I don't trust him. I don't mind if he does have things to discuss with his ex but wish he would be upfront about it. Am I being mad/paranoid? My ex had an affair (as did DH when with his ex (not with me)) so makes me wonder.

[QueenInTheNorth26]

Does he get much time with just them when they come over?. If not he could be going back on the tube with them because he wants some time with them.

[CamperVamp]

I agree timing him is ridiculous,

If I did an errand like that I might stop for coffee, I might stop and look at mags at the newsagent, look in local shops, anything.

I would be irritated beyond belief and find it very intrusive if my partner timed my absences. Unless I was rolling in 6 hours later reeking of aftershave Or something.

[twattymctwatterson]

Why are you with him? Your behaviour is abusive

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Twatty, what is abusive is the amount of ABUSE on this thread. I asked a simple question which made it clear in the title that I THINK I may be being paranoid and asking for views CLEARLY the consensus is that I am which I will take into account and not raise it with DH again. To say he should leave me/run for the hills is, frankly, ridiculous. For what it's worth, DH gets annoyed with my ex even coming to the house and would never agree to him coming into the house for 2 minutes, let alone for a cup of tea and chat. Nor would I want to do that with me ex. We are civil but I would not want to sit down and have a cup of tea with him.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

And yes, he gets loads of time when they come over. Picks them up from school every day which is more than I do with my own kids.

[thegirlupnorth]

Just go with him next time!

[Appuskidu]

It's just a few minutes extra which can very easily be accounted for by crowds of people, dawdling children, cumbersome bags etc Yes, I would say you are being very paranoid but it sounds like you know this.

If your DH is as paranoid and jealous as you say he is though, you'd think he'd be more sympathetic!

[twattymctwatterson]

@Goodluckjonathan76 obsessing over someone taking 20 mins longer to do a journey than you expect to the point that you’re posting here and quizzing them about it isn’t normal is it? Your timings are off btw if it’s a 20 minute tube journey it would be practically impossible to make that trip in 45 minutes.
Do you check his phone op? Monitor his social media? Does he get time to socialise with his friends? Do you?
You’ve said you won’t apologise for being paranoid but if there’s no trust in the relationship then there isn’t a relationship at all

[GingerIvy]

Well, if you want it straight, then yes, you seem paranoid.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Ok, as I've tried to make clear, my timings definitely aren't off. It's a 45 minute journey max but it takes him around 1 hour 15. The timings definitely aren't off. He also leaves our house at 4.15 to get to the mum's house at 5pm. It's a 16 minute tube journey and our house is a 10-15 minute walk from the tube. 45 minutes is already generous. I do the same journey in 30.

I have never ever checked DH's phone or email or social media and never would. I hope that everyone on this thread accusing me of being paranoid can say the same.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

Maybe is he dwardingly, grabbing a coffee or maybe he is having a coffee with his ex. What is clear from this thread is that I don't have a right to ask or know. Correct?

[TwoDots]

Op, has something ever happened with the ex which sparks your worry?

Also, would you notice timings if he was going elsewhere? Or is it just this journey to the ex’s?

[Goodluckjonathan76]

It's impossible that he is delayed every time, especially when he is not travelling at rush hour! I do the same journey into work, have done for the last 15 years. I know it takes 30-40 minutes. There is a margin but not a 20-30 minute margin. The 16 minutes is time the tube takes when running normally, which it does most of the time. It's 5 or 6 stops, direct, no changes.

TwoDots, it's just this journey I notice as I am at home with the kids usually so notice when he leaves and comes back. I wouldn't really notice other journeys.

So, I think the gist of this thread is that: 1) journeys taken by one person can take 20-30 minutes longer when taken by one person rather than another and ii) it's none of my business anyway.

[Goodluckjonathan76]

And I wouldn't say that I'm obsessing about it. He's been doing it for 6 years now and i have mentioned it once to him and am only posting here to confirm that I am being paranoid! It just irks slightly and I sometimes wonder if I am missing something. I don't have any other reason to distrust him but just find he is not upfront about things sometimes, e.g. he will take day off work to look after DSS without telling me and I find out later. Not that it's any of my business. Guess I am just more upfront.

[reallyorange]

Travelling between 4pm and 6pm is rush hour where I live (a city a lot less busy than London)

[ofudginghell]

Why get with and settle down with a man that had an affair in his previous marriage???
Your ex had an affair behind your back so you know how it feels aswell yet here you are trying to account for 20 mind while he drops his innocent children home to their mum.
Maybe he takes his time as he chats with his dc and doesn’t just drop and run?
Maybe he takes his time because sometimes it’s nice to be on your own with your thoughts for a minute??
If he has never given you any reason to mistrust him within your marriage together then you are being v v unreasonable and hard work I would imagine.
If your paranoid state of mind is because he did it to his first wife you shouldn’t have married him.
Harsh but true.
And do t start dictating to him what time he spends taking his kids home.

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Was DH’s affair whilst married, an affair with you? We’re you the OW?

[onadifferentplanet]

I doubt very much they go at the same pace you would on the daily trip to work or maybe they stop to buy a bar of chocolate or something maybe he spends 5 minutes talking them outside before they go in, lots of traffic meaning it takes longer to cross roads there are so many reasons why it might take longer.

[GingerIvy]

This "situation" has been going on for six years and you're still obsessing over it? (because that IS what is happening - you're obsessing)

Maybe is he dwardingly, grabbing a coffee or maybe he is having a coffee with his ex. What is clear from this thread is that I don't have a right to ask or know. Correct?

Still trying to figure out why you care if he has a coffee with his ex? I've had coffee with my ex and I sure as hell don't want to get back with him or have a fling with him. It was to discuss things about the dcs.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

When you do the journey you’re being functional (doing the drop off), when he’s doing the drop off he’s with his kids so more likely to dawdle, get sidetracked etc
You can’t stop someone from having an affair. I’m not saying that he’s having an affair btw- just saying that if you don’t trust him then why are you with him? If he is having a cuppa with the kids and ex (maybe the kids invite him in?) then you need to give your head a wobble and read the posts about acrimonious break ups. It’s 20 minutes, not 2 hours!

[reallyorange]

OP had already said she wasnt the other woman when DP had an affair with his ex.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

If it’s London then is it possible that he’s getting off at a different station to you or walking a different route so he gets a bit longer with the kids? (I know you hat some London addresses can be near more than one tube stop)
Right to know about a cuppa? 😱😵 Nobody tells their partner about every cuppa they drink, every conversation that they have etc

[eyebrowsonfleek]

You are obsessing (6 years!) If you were a man people would be labelling you as abusive and controlling.
I understand why you wouldn’t trust him but why would you be with him if you don’t trust him?

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Thanks really I missed that.