Stepchild at wedding?

[Aeriefairy]

Dp and i trying to decide when to get married, somewhere we both love is only available one weekend when we want to tie the knot and is so perfect but it’s a weekend when dp doesn’t have dss!
We could ask his ex to swap weekends but don’t want to tell her why...for obvious reasons. Not sure she’d agree.
Our wedding won’t have any other children there, at all, he’ll be bored and showing off to get attention (I love him to bits but he is a very big show off! We certainly don’t raise him to be that way!) Its not going to be a big wedding and we want to go on our honeymoon straight after (will be our first ever holiday together as a couple!), which also means we have to have wedding during term time so dss doesn’t miss out on half term time with his dad. Problem is if we get married during contact weekend so dss attends, dss doesn’t attend evening do as he will need to go to bed - so he misses out on time with dad, there’s also no one else who can look after him and then we go on honeymoon so he doesn’t really get to enjoy contact. In a perfect world we’d ask dss mum if she would mind dropping dss off for the wedding and collecting later on so dss gets to be part of the day but I can’t see that happening!
I’m also aware dss might have conflicting emotions about us getting married. Dss and I have a great relationship but obviously all kids would love mum and dad to be back together and one parent remarrying kind of destroys any dreams like that.
Is it really so bad to have the small quiet non-complicated non-stress wedding and not have dss there and just get on with it or am I a terrible person for even entertaining the idea! Help!!

Dressed surely it's the norm for parents to plan these events around their children?

I don't think so. It's usually referred to as the bride's day. I didn't have children before getting married , although I suppose that isn't the norm any more. But I still think it should revolve around the happy couple.

OP - the tone of your first post sounds like you don't really want DSS there. Is that correct? Would your DP really want to not share this important day with his child?

There is no way I'd marry my OH without DSC present and I'd think badly of my OH if he was prepared to marry me in their absence. To exclude them from such a significant life event would be cruel and would surely lead to resentment in later life.

I agree with PPs that you need to overcome this ex issue. Would you consider applying for a specific issues order via court to ensure DSS's attendance at the wedding?

We’ve not been on holiday together because a) dp rightly uses all his annual leave to see dss in his holidays off school, and b) money is tight and we use our money, club card vouchers etc taking dss places (as local as poss) while he is with us. I never went on holiday with my family as a child because of lack of money - it’s not a big deal and I would say I know my partner very well, and haven’t been swayed by fancy holidays etc etc.

Sorry if it comes across in my op as my not wanting dss there, We do both want him there of course but our problem is dp’s ex wife and around that, weighing up the logistics and venues etc against the probability of dss being prevented from attending anyway.
To the poster who said we don’t raise him we don’t do the day-to-day stuff, we would love to be doing that but dp’s ex restricts it. She tried to prevent dss seeing his dad at all which prompted the initial application to court! So don’t make assumptions...

Specific issue order is a good idea - can dp apply for this from the get go or do we need to have attempted to arrange with the ex first??

So plan is - we get married on weekend we have dss...Tell ex-p we’re getting married that month so she’s aware in case dss wants to discuss it with her... and leave it at that. She doesn’t need to know exactly when and that way she won’t know which weekend it is taking place to prevent it happening. Might have dp mention the specific issue order if there’s any hint that ex might play silly games.
All dss’ suit stuff etc will be at ours so when we get dss on the Friday evening before wedding we’ll tell him it’s “tomorrow”.
Thanks everyone for your help! 😊

We got married with my stepc present and fully involved. My dh told his ex and discussed it with her (4 years after they split 2 after the divorce) although it was hideous it is the right thing to do. The ex barred her dd from being bridesmaid but I still paid for her hair nails same dress as other bridesmaids and she had a lovely day. Dss was an older teenager and went off mid evening to go out with friends. The ex didn't turn to collect her dd the following day just sent us a message saying she had gone away and we weren't able to go on our honeymoon we had to delay til she came back two days later. Honestly we spent so much time and energy making sure everything was a nice as possible for dsc at times it really felt they were important than our big day. And they were, they were children of divorce and that means you need to put them first. We had a nightmare outcome a very unpleasant ex doing everything to ruin our day and honeymoon and not caring how much she upset her dc as long as she thought it upset us so I understand your worry but in the nicest possible way you need to give your head a wobble if you think getting married behind her/dss back is a good idea.

Clearly you never really know a person until you have woken up hungover in a hotel room or braved the breakfast buffet with them, Aerie. :o

Strange what people think is important to a relationship, isn't it?

Cross posted good decision

weebo I think three years of real life without any holiday to “get away from it all” prepares me better for marriage than anything

:o

Your plan sounds good. You won't regret having him there even if it's just to look back on the photos - He will be so excited and feel very special in his little suit.

I hope you have a lovely day!

Good plan op.

Hi OP,

Congrats on the up coming wedding. Your plan sounds good, I am also a step mum. I was worried telling DH's ex as she was difficult at times - I was sure she would have put a spanner in the works. She caused extra stress on the run up, but SS was in attendance at the times that mattered. We now have a great relationship and have moved past that period. I hope it all goes to plan - Good luck !

I can't believe there are posters thinking OP should plan her wedding and honeymoon around DSS.

Umm, weddings usually involve two people. The other person in OPs wedding has a child. People with children must plan major life events to fit around/along with their children. It's called parenting.

Good plan OP!! I hope she doesn't play silly games over it. There's no need and it isn't fair on the child.

Good solution Aerie So glad you've found a way around it, I know how hard it is.

@Aeriefairy I think courts always favour an attempt to resolve matters without a judge's intervention. However, as the ex in your case appears to have previous, I'd move straight to a court application well in advance of the wedding.

We had to keep our wedding a secret from my OH ex wife as she was/still is a nut job. If she knew the date she would have stopped my DSC coming. This is what we done - not sure if you can follow suit. We found a lovely place and made sure the dates matched the agreed dates of contact (we said we was going on a camping weekend). Now the ex wife knew we were engaged and pressed the kids for any information about the wedding - dates, where it is. So the kids did not have to tell fibs to their DM, we did not tell them the date or venue. We went looking for dresses throughout the year and we talked about what the wedding would look like (still missing the date and venue details )
On the day of the wedding my OH got up and took the boys to his mums to get ready and when the girls came down stairs everything was hanging up and I told them that this is the day we are getting married! I was lucky as they where happy - plus so much was going on that no one had time to think!
We arrived at the venue and got married - then went to the reception. Now we had already arranged with his parents that they will take the children and return them to their DM the next day (as agreed)
After the meal my DSD did ask her dad could he tell her mum now. My OH did call his ex wife to tell her - and all hell broke lose, she cried and yelled at him (How dare he do this!) demanding to come and get the kids right that second. She was calmly told no and that the children will be staying with their grandparent that night and they will be coming home tomorrow. She called him some rude names and put the phone down. Now we were told my OH mum that when she returned the kids his ex wife shouted at her and that we had no right to get married without her permission (told you, nut job) My New in law just laughed at her and said it was a surprise wedding and the kids did not know until the last minute - and that she really needed to get over herself.
She did try and withhold contact for a few weeks - claiming the kids were traumatised about the wedding - but we waited and the desire to go out outweighed the desire to punish us. Contract resumed as normal.

It can work out - everyone can attend you just need to keep planning. Good luck.

"Umm, weddings usually involve two people. The other person in OPs wedding has a child. People with children must plan major life events to fit around/along with their children. It's called parenting."

THIS!

And yes I think latest idea could work but still not ideal.

You are setting yourself up for a shitstorm either way. Only one way will go towards a semi decent relationship with DSS in the future and that is being up front to him and his mum about the wedding and how much you want him there. Anything less than that and you just show how unimportant this little boy is.

^^ This x 1 million

Doh sorry didn't RTFT - I see you have now come to a decision!
Enjoy your wedding

Busymum5 that’s sounds exactly like my dp’s ex wife - the difference being she has actually turned up at dp’s parents house and caused a hell of a scene wanting to remove dss (she didn’t bother in the end oddly enough she just left under a cloud) and that was only because dp let dss have a sleepover at granny and granddads because he had to work late! Dss was so excited because he is really close to his paternal grandparents and it was his first ever sleepover but the ex has spies around... and was obviously told that dss was not at home. And she flipped. After that it was included in the court order each parent has the right to delegate care of child as they see fit (shouldn’t need a court to tell her that but there we are!)
I think maybe dp will have to tell her a vague time when it is happening - perhaps tell her which quarter of the year/which month and then set up a timed email to tell her when it has happened (all communication is email so there is a paper trail and because she has had her new dp harass my dp in the past by phone). That way she is informed, we don’t have to stop our special day to write the email and we don’t have to receive abuse for it!

Well you obviously don't want him there and you want us to tell you it makes sense to exclude him to alleviate yourself of the guilt. I resent the fact you are blaming his mother for him being a show off. Most confident kids are show offs, confidence in kids is a good thing. 'We certainly didn't raise him that way'. Hmm quite. Using the excuse of him missing contact time if you switched weekends is a stretch. However, in your situation I would book that weekend. Send him an invitation in the post (addressed to him) after telling him in person as well as texting mum asking if she can let him come and pick him up. Take evidence of this with screen shots and photographs to show him when he is older I find mum is as bad as you make out and doesn't let him attend.

Shemozzle clearly you haven’t bothered to read the thread.
Far from seeking validation for the reasons to not have him there (no other kids at wedding, serious problems where dp ex is concerned) I was after advice from women or men who are or have been in similar situation to mine. And I’m grateful for the advice I have had, and experiences from people in my situation and how they handled it. Shame on you for jumping in and getting on your high horse.
Yes he is a show off and yes most kids are, but he is to the point where he will attempt to make someone else feel like they’re not as good as him or that he has something better. We encourage him to have good manners and humility for others, so it does not come from us, but the mothers behaviour is appalling so it’s clear in this case where he’s getting it from. Aside from that, he’s a lovely boy and dss and I have a really good relationship. Suggest you read rest of thread to see developments as a result of OP.

When an adult SC wants to exclude dads wife they are told its THEIR day, to invite who they want but be prepared for dad not to show up and for a lot of drama and possibly for the relationship with their DF to be damaged.

I think it's similar with SC and big weddings. It is YOURS and DP day and its 100% your choice and nobody should judge you but you have to be prepared that there might be unforseen consequences.

Personally I would try to involve SC but not at all cost. I would try to plan the date for a contact week or, if really not possible, I would invite him personally and via his DM. If she bans him from attending its very unfortunate but it's on her.

You can't let her issues overshadow your day but you should try to have SS there as he is your DP closest family..At least as close and important as parents...

WhiteCat1704 I agree with you, but for the record I’m fully expecting not to be invited to dss future wedding and I would understand why. At 7 he’s already fully aware how much his mother hates his father (as well as his paternal grandparents and me) my own parents had a hellish time at their wedding thanks to my dads mum being awful because his stepmum was there too. I wouldn’t want that for dss and if he only wanted his own parents there I would understand, and probably would take him and his been wife for a meal another night!