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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepchild at wedding?

127 replies

Aeriefairy · 16/10/2017 01:11

Dp and i trying to decide when to get married, somewhere we both love is only available one weekend when we want to tie the knot and is so perfect but it’s a weekend when dp doesn’t have dss!
We could ask his ex to swap weekends but don’t want to tell her why...for obvious reasons. Not sure she’d agree.
Our wedding won’t have any other children there, at all, he’ll be bored and showing off to get attention (I love him to bits but he is a very big show off! We certainly don’t raise him to be that way!) Its not going to be a big wedding and we want to go on our honeymoon straight after (will be our first ever holiday together as a couple!), which also means we have to have wedding during term time so dss doesn’t miss out on half term time with his dad. Problem is if we get married during contact weekend so dss attends, dss doesn’t attend evening do as he will need to go to bed - so he misses out on time with dad, there’s also no one else who can look after him and then we go on honeymoon so he doesn’t really get to enjoy contact. In a perfect world we’d ask dss mum if she would mind dropping dss off for the wedding and collecting later on so dss gets to be part of the day but I can’t see that happening!
I’m also aware dss might have conflicting emotions about us getting married. Dss and I have a great relationship but obviously all kids would love mum and dad to be back together and one parent remarrying kind of destroys any dreams like that.
Is it really so bad to have the small quiet non-complicated non-stress wedding and not have dss there and just get on with it or am I a terrible person for even entertaining the idea! Help!!

OP posts:

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Original poster

Aeriefairy · 16/10/2017 02:02

graphista we are raising him - he’s with us half of all the time he’s not in school. Eow and half hols.

OP posts:

Rhynswynd · 16/10/2017 02:03

If it turns out you can keep this secret enough to have DSS at the wedding is it fair on him to feel he has to keep the secret or to have to deal with the (possible) immense fall out of telling his mum?

You are setting yourself up for a shitstorm either way. Only one way will go towards a semi decent relationship with DSS in the future and that is being up front to him and his mum about the wedding and how much you want him there. Anything less than that and you just show how unimportant this little boy is.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 16/10/2017 02:05

though I suppose dss could go with them and have a sleepover at his grandparents house. We could then spend Sunday afternoon with him before his mum collected him.

Yep sounds like a goer!

I would approach a solicitor and have an agreement formalised that she will make DSS available for wedding the weekend of X date. If she won't engage then take it to court.

nooka · 16/10/2017 02:06

If you have a low key wedding on a non contact weekend returning in time for his contact weekend the next week would your dss need to know? In normal circumstances I can see this would be a terrible idea but if it's likely to stir things up badly with his mum might it be better to just keep the whole thing quiet? I have family members who got married very quietly and only told everyone some time after.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 16/10/2017 02:06

I wouldn’t expect him to keep it a secret from his mum - we just wouldn’t tell him the exact date so she wouldn’t know when to prevent him having contact! As I said further up maybe best way is to be vague and tell dss roughly when - say , which month - I suppose we could tell his mum which month and that way she’s prepared but can’t prevent dss attending as she won’t know which weekend it is?

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 16/10/2017 02:06

In which case, as adults, you will deal with your broken hearts. Presumably they will break just as hard if you don't invite him at all.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 16/10/2017 02:08

nooka that was one option I was thinking of but everyone on here has said it’s a bad idea and adults who were step-children have said it’s a bad idea too.
Although dp and I have discussed maybe going away and literally just me him and random witnesses and doing it that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 16/10/2017 02:09

NoCryLilSoftSoft an agreement drawn up between us and her solicitor won’t be binding though and she would still be perfectly within her rights to withdraw (as she wouldn’t be in breach of the existing court order) though I can see how it might put the shitters on her playing silly games!

OP posts:

Chloecoconut · 16/10/2017 03:56

We had a similar situation with DH’s ex. We got married here instead of abroad so that DSD (10) was included and told both her and her mum when we were getting married. We didn’t know if DSD would be ‘allowed’ to attend or not but we made her a part of it and planned everything as though she would be there. If her mum had stopped her attending then she would have been the one having to explain her actions in the future. Thankfully she did attend (although there was some backlash from her mum).

yakari · 16/10/2017 05:25

Being pragmatic change the venue to one you can have on ‘your’ weekend - which do you want more that venue or DSS attending?
The emotions are a bigger issue. I think you need to sit DSS down and explain that you want him involved in a very low-key wedding and it will be before the end of the year (or whenever) Simultaneously DP tells ex that a wedding is on the cards and DSS knows but details not yet sorted. Above all keep DSS out of any half truths, and let him know his mum knows.
Finally I’d include DSS in as much of the wedding as possible, even if that changes your plans to a different venue, earlier finish. Frankly if the ex is determined to kick off don’t give her ammunition and by your plans/actions show DSS he’s an important factor in your marriage - that way as he gets older he’ll make a judgement. Twisting dates, asking him to conceal things, shoving him off early with ageing grandparents (unless he is exceptionally close) all makes it look like he’s being force fitted into your plans, and if he gets a similar/negative message from his mum, you run the risk that’s how he remembers it.

PastaOfMuppets · 16/10/2017 05:25

OP, no one here is agreeing with the idea that you get married without your DSS present. If you want people who will agree with you that it's all just too hard and give up on him there, ask in another forum maybe. And I'm not sure anyone believes you'd both be heartbroken if your DSS's DM keeps him away on the day, given that you're currently thinking of not telling or inviting him anyway. Thirdly, no you are most definitely not raising him or seeing him exactly have the time he's not in school if you see him only EOW and half of his school holidays. You're not the ones who see him every morning, afternoon and evening, comfort him during the night 12 nights out of 14, wrestle him into his school clothes every school morning, have to worry about childcare or after school care when you're trying to work/keep your household running.

If you don't want him there, be honest about it. If you do, make it happen. And if you're marrying a man whose ex is this hostile, either work out how it can be dealt with, or make it your DH's problem.

NashvilleQueen · 16/10/2017 06:10

Is there any specific reason for her hostility?

My view is to keep it simple. If you get married on a weekend you’re due to have him then there is nothing to sort out. So either find an alternative venue or wait until the one you want has a free slot that matches up with you having DSS. Like others I think it’s unreasonable to go ahead without him.

Shockers · 16/10/2017 06:17

How old is he?

2gorgeousboys · 16/10/2017 06:49

I’m not sure how you or your DH to be can contemplate not having DSS at your wedding! I know what you mean about his ex being difficult as my DH has an obstructive exW who tries everything in her (now limited) power to make life difficult for us.

DSS was ‘best boy’ when we got married and had a fab time partying all night and generally being made a fuss of. He sat at the top table with us and joined us for our first dance. My DP looked after him in our wedding night as his DM wouldn’t/couldn’t come and pick him up. If he was tired and grumpy for his DM the next day I didn’t really care, he enjoyed himself!

If you honestly think that not telling her is the way to go and just being vague about the actual date, then I think that is preferable to not having him there at all. Personally I couldn’t have got married without DSS there as I wasn’t just marrying DH I was also taking on DSS so it was about him too.

sandgrown · 16/10/2017 07:00

My ex-DH rang my children when he was on the way to his honeymoon to say he had got married. His wife did not even tell her daughter who lived with them. Neither set of parents were told either.

pomadas87 · 16/10/2017 07:01

Could you tell his exwife you two plan to marry this year - don't specify a date - that way she is aware.
Then for the wedding, tell your step-son the night before as you suggest and then pay for a childminder/babysitter to collect from reception. Then spend afternoon with stepson next day and tell exwife when she collects him.

DressedCrab · 16/10/2017 07:13

I can't believe there are posters thinking OP should plan her wedding and honeymoon around DSS. Plan the wedding you want and include DSS as far as you can and include him in the planning. You aren't responsible for how his mother behaves but I agree you have to tell her beforehand.

If she prevents DSS attending, that's on her. He will know you wanted him there and she can explain why he wasn't. If she does prevent him plan a special meal out where you all dress up so that he feels you included him as much as she allowed.

You're getting a hard time here and it's undeserved, frankly. You want to incude the child, it's his mother who is likely to prevent it. She sounds very selfish, poor kid.

Wheelerdeeler · 16/10/2017 07:21

You are marrying someone you've never been on holidays with? Wow.

HerOtherHalf · 16/10/2017 07:24

Use her hostility against her. Plan your wedding for a weekend when you are meant to have DSS. Then, tell her you're getting married and ask her if she can swap weekends because it would be really impractical to have DSS at the wedding due to logistics. Chances are she'll insist you stick to it being your weekend thinking she's sabotaging your big day.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2017 07:29

My DH exW is about as nasty as you can get. We've had non mol orders against her in the past.

She has now abandoned her DC

However at the time she was classed as the RP and we still told her when we were getting married. It really us unfair to put your DSS in the position of being the one having to tell her or having to keep a secret. Completely unfair.

NC4now · 16/10/2017 07:32

My children weren't invited to their dad's wedding. It was incredibly hurtful and there's nothing he can do about it.
Invite DSS. If his Mum excludes him, that's on her. In your shoes I'd arrange for him to be looked after by grandparents.
You could tell the ex it's a family party.

Alittlepotofrosie · 16/10/2017 07:32

There is no way on this earth i would have got married without dsc present. By getting married without him you're telling him loud and clear he's not part of the family and not important enough to try and accomodate. Choose anther venue, there are thousands out there. Or choose a different date. Youve got half of all the weekends in the year to pick from. Why deliberately choose one that would stop dsc attending?

I cant believe your fiance is happy to prioritise venue over his own child attending.

Weebo · 16/10/2017 07:37

Dressed surely it's the norm for parents to plan these events around their children?

SilverBirchTree · 16/10/2017 07:38

Getting married without his child there would be very cold, regardless of whether you think the child is a show off.

Also - Why are you marrying a man you've never been on holidays with? It sounds like you don't know him that well.

Weebo · 16/10/2017 07:40

Not everyone can afford to go on holiday.

It's really no big deal.

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