Stepchild at wedding?

[Aeriefairy]

Dp and i trying to decide when to get married, somewhere we both love is only available one weekend when we want to tie the knot and is so perfect but it’s a weekend when dp doesn’t have dss!
We could ask his ex to swap weekends but don’t want to tell her why...for obvious reasons. Not sure she’d agree.
Our wedding won’t have any other children there, at all, he’ll be bored and showing off to get attention (I love him to bits but he is a very big show off! We certainly don’t raise him to be that way!) Its not going to be a big wedding and we want to go on our honeymoon straight after (will be our first ever holiday together as a couple!), which also means we have to have wedding during term time so dss doesn’t miss out on half term time with his dad. Problem is if we get married during contact weekend so dss attends, dss doesn’t attend evening do as he will need to go to bed - so he misses out on time with dad, there’s also no one else who can look after him and then we go on honeymoon so he doesn’t really get to enjoy contact. In a perfect world we’d ask dss mum if she would mind dropping dss off for the wedding and collecting later on so dss gets to be part of the day but I can’t see that happening!
I’m also aware dss might have conflicting emotions about us getting married. Dss and I have a great relationship but obviously all kids would love mum and dad to be back together and one parent remarrying kind of destroys any dreams like that.
Is it really so bad to have the small quiet non-complicated non-stress wedding and not have dss there and just get on with it or am I a terrible person for even entertaining the idea! Help!!

[user71017]

Wow. Just wow.

[StrongerThanIThought76]

OP at 7 years old your dss could potentially take any fallout from this very badly. I speak as that child who was not told about my dads marriage until after the event.

I also have a VERY controlling ex who would (and does) try to pull the same stunts every single time i try to organise something with our kids.

Please please don't burden your dss with trying to keep dates secret. Please please be open with the dm about the date, as pp have suggested apply NOW for a Specific Issues Order (sounds like you are fairly familiar with court procedures at this point unfortunately) for the actual date of the wedding.

Make plans for keeping dss occupied/entertained at the wedding - no doubt loving gps can supervise and poss have overnight. Assume that his dm WILL NOT help out with logistics on that weekend.

Be prepared for the dm to create a shitstorm but acknowledge now that if SHE makes the decision to not allow him to come then the responsibility for the fallout is hers.

If you have been up front to start with then if it does all go tits up then a) you tried to involve dss from the start b) you were open and honest about the plans c) your consciences are clear so dss will be able to understand who the bad guy really is.

[NorthernSpirit]

This is a really difficult one and she mething my finance and I are grabbing with.

OH has been separated for 5 years, divorced for 4. Mother routinely stopped contact out of spite and my OH was forced to get a contact order. She’s not moved on emotionally sadly and still uses the children as weapons and stops contact (despite a judge telling her last time that if she continued to stop contact he would ‘take the children off her and they would live with dad’.

When we announced a year ago we were engaged a vitriolic diatribe email followed. My OH fears she will stop the children going to the wedding.

We have kept plans quiet until now and are deciding what to do. I feel your pain. It’s pretty disgusting behaviour.

[marvellouscreations]

Unfortunately sometimes it is just a question of weighing everything up and deciding what is best for the kids.
Whats worse - for OP's DP to tell his ex about the wedding, risk the ex making the DS feel awful about it, make him feel guilty etc...and perhaps prevent him attending or to just do it quietly and get it over with. Or not tell the ex and have the wedding with the kid there and tell the ex after? OP mentioned there won't be any other kids there, and yes, most confident kids do show off but by the sounds of it there won't be any other kids for him to play with. Think she was trying to weigh everything up rather than plot to keep the child out of the wedding. Not an easy decision. Myself and DH went to registry office with random witnesses if its any help OP, for us it was a second marriage for both and was mainly for legal recognition as a married couple.

[marvellouscreations]

Stillpissingdown think you're being a complete arse here.

"op sounds young and you can tell she has no kids"

You've got to be careful what assumptions you make. What if op, like myself, has fertility issues? Bit of a bitch to just jump in and say she has no kids and use this assumption to validate your opinion of her.

Having read through the post OP has made it clear there has been court involvement and a psychologist involved who confirmed there was hostility but there was no reason. Having read OP's other threads she clearly has a good relationship with her DSS.
Sometimes there is a hostile ex involved and thats it, no rhyme or reason. Similar situation with myself and my DH. His ex-w is awful, we've had the police involved because of stalking, harassment, theft etc, she left my now DH for another bloke so she got what she wanted but also wanted to exclude my DH from their DS's life. I knew of them as a couple through mutual friends long before they'd separated and long before me and him got together, she had a history of affairs and he took her back everytime for the sake of the kids. Those kids are now my stepkids and we have a solid relationship but their mother is horrendous. It would be somewhat understandable if I was the other woman and had broken up their marriage, or her ex - my DH was abusive but it is simply the fact she resents having to remain linked to her ex husband when what she wants is to completely cut him out and have her new life, at the cost of the kids happiness.

[lifeandtheuniverse]

What parent moves house and does not tell their kids - pretty well says eff you, you are not part of my "new " life ad family. No wonder your niece feels upset.

My Ex told our DCs that he and OW were expecting a baby - on the first anniversary of my mothers death! He picked them up from schol -something he had not done since he moved out year before, took them for coffee and told them. Drove them back to me, told me and for the one and only time - I called him a cunt in front of them.

They both walked in, had obviously been crying and went upstairs. They knew what the day was because we had gone and put flowers on her grave before school - their choice.

Allegedly, they had had their 12 week scan and were now telling everyone - as we found out a few months later, it was not she was 17 weeks pregnant and the day was just a co incidence - like heck was it.

Exclude him at your peril OP

[Stillpissingdown]

sad it wasn't specifically a wedding with bil, it was other major events.

It messes with both niece and nephew in different ways.

Niece feels protective towards mum so when dad purposely didn't tell mum about niece about important stuff so she wouldn't tell mum - niece felt/feels it's actually and extended 'attack' on her. For eg. Bil moved and didn't tell niece because he didn't want ex 'making things difficult' wanting her shit back bil thought it would be a nice surprise to have a new house, new room. But actually niece felt is was done behind her back and she was confused he did it in secret. She is 12 and since the separation spends most of her time on computer in room. I actually really worry about her and she has gone very introverted.

Nephew 15, is angry about while situation, talks horrible to his mum just like his dad but wanted to live with bil because he misses him. But because both parents are not speaking he is taking the piss and messing school up, smoking weed, posted a pic on instagran hold a fake gun


Honestly I think children see the worst side of their parents when they split.

[whatsagoodusername]

My sister and her DH had this. His ex is hostile and would have refused to let his daughters attend their wedding if she had known when it was.

We were quite certain since the girls were meant to be in my wedding a year earlier, had new dresses and were really excited. She agreed to it, then took the girls camping and didn't bring them back, stayed an extra night. Three hours before the wedding she phoned BIL and said he could come collect them, four hours away, so it was "his" fault because he couldn't go get them.

So they told his girls they were going to get married, the ex knew they were engaged, but not when. Girls came, the wedding happened.

They didn't see the girls for months after not until ex needed to offload them on BIL so she could go out with new BF but at least they were there and got to be part of it.

[Orangealien]

OP: sorry if this has been mentioned before.

Have you given detailed thought to why the ex is hostile and aggressive. Not just accepted remarks from your dp but really thought about it and tried to put yourself in her position.

Now it's highly unlikely that he started a relationship with someone aggressive and hostile isn't it. Stuff happened. Again, highly unlikely it was all her fault. You could end up as the "ex psycho" in her position one day.

It's very easy to say "my ex is a psycho" or words to that effect. I'd be very wary of marrying someone who had kids with a "psycho".

Think it though. Think how you have got into a position where you need to hise an

[sadandanxious]

Feel free to ignore this as I realise it could be very personal.

DN head is well and truly fucked up.

Why does it fuck up her head that he didn't tell her mum?

[Stillpissingdown]

Because sad a wedding will effect her son. A wedding is a major event and adults talk about this stuff. Normal people would discuss this

If op dp ( because it's actually down to him not op is open and honest about situations like this then if his ex makes things difficult he can genuinely look his son in his eye and say he did his best by him. both parents should discuss what's going to happen at this wedding and tell the ds he is still very much part of his fathers family and his mothers.

op basically wants to get married behind his sons back - maybe so he doesn't steal the lime light ... as he 'shows' off


I was a child of broken family, I've just watched my bil do the whole 'nothing to do with you' with his ex wife and the only person it hurts is the kids. DN head is well and truly fucked up. Yet know one wants to take responsibility for it.

At some point someone* has to take the lead and try^ and forge a healthy relationship between their exs so that the children don't feel stuck in between or watch toxic families fester.

From the language op uses about her SS I think it already shows a level of hostility. There is way more to this and I think it's half of one and six of the other - which is a shame in the lad.

op sounds young and you can tell she has no kids

[FunderAnna]

My partner's ex was - and 20 years on - hostile to him and to me.

But we naturally informed her about our wedding, as we would about any event that involved her children and would impact on their lives.

It was a low key wedding. My husband's ex dropped them over for the weekend as usual with some smart clothes - no little suits were involved - and a gift.

It was important that they were there and involved. I'd say it was extremely important to model good communication and to involve stepchildren, even if there was a risk that a hostile parent might consider attempting to keep them away

[sadandanxious]

stillpissingdown - you seem to have quite strong views. Perhaps you can answer my question just about your post?

Sorry OP for jumping on your thread, just trying to understand from the other side

[Stillpissingdown]

Why don't you try being a grown up about it.

Tell her your getting married ffs. If she chooses to be difficult then that's her - not the fact you've had a major day and been secrative about it. If you have this attitude no wonder she is arsey with you.

I think you've already made your mind up tbh about cutting him out of a very important day and evening.

This is one reason I hope and pray myself and dh never split up. What happens to the kids is awful

[sadandanxious]

I would let her know your getting married she will have long enough to deal with her emotions regarding it.

^^ Can I ask why? I understand about new babies, that really should come from their dad as of course you need to know so you can talk to them / comfort them/ whatever they need when they're with you. But why a wedding? I'm not trying to be antagonistic, I'm just one of those people who doesn't really understand the big deal about weddings. I want to understand it from the other side though as obviously this sort of thing may affect my DSD. But why does it matter what the ex's emotions Are? She is no longer in a relationship with her ex so surely it's not his concern?

[Louw12345]

Aeriefairy my ex got my kids to tell me he's having another baby. I wasn't bother his life I have my own but what did bother me was how my kids was with me that night.

My youngest just hugged me and the others just kept looking at me. They was clearly stuck in the middle.

At first they was hesitate to talk about their new brother or sister to spear my feelings but it shouldn't be like that at all. It was hard seeing them in that situation.

I would let her know your getting married she will have long enough to deal with her emotions regarding it. If she doesn't let him come that's down to her.

[sadandanxious]

We're not telling DP's ex when we get married. It's nothing to do with her and she'd do her damned hardest to ruin it so i can understand why you'd not want to tell her.

I think you should go for the venue you love even if that means he can't come. Weddings are pretty adulty events anyway. As long as you handle it sensitively it'll all be fine. You both deserve to have the day of your dreams

[Faithless]

I think you're second guessing everyone's thoughts and reactions without actually finding out what they think. It's a special day and normal rules don't apply. It must be exhausting constantly trying to guess everyone's opinions and behaviour, and hide this wedding from DSS and his mum, who seems to have way too much power and influence over your planning. You can't carry on like this forever, letting her presumed reactions dictate your decision making.

Surely all family & friends would muck in on the day, sending time with DSS, and why cant he go home in a taxi with his grandparents? Why can't your fiance consult with family & friends who know DSS well to find a solution? I'm assuming he wants his son at his wedding. Cant you both just ask people instead of presuming what they are going to say and do?

When we got married, DSD (9) & DSS (7) stayed at the reception until about 11pm then went home in a taxi with their GPs - my in laws, who are in their mid 70s but healthy and stayed at their house. Their mum picked DSS up the next day (DSD refuses to stay with her) and DSD stayed with grandparents. We went on our honeymoon the next day but only for 5 days so it wasn't too much of a burden on his parents looking after DSD. Everyone at the reception played with and chatted to the children, we took jenga - people enjoyed having a go at that with them, and they danced a lot to the band. The evening flew by and they loved it and we loved having them there. I can't imagine not having our children at our wedding (mine are older teens).

[SandyY2K]

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.

It's very sad that a bitter hostile Ex partners use children in this way.

I think it just shows they're still emotionally invested, otherwise their Ex getting married wouldn't bother them. Let alone going to these lengths.

Why these type of Ex partners think they have more parental rights beats me.

When my DB got remarried, he had his DD as a flower girls. His Ex was informed and she wasn't thrilled about it, but she didn't prevent the DC attending.

We kept expecting her to turn up on the day. She didn't ..... but she did call my DBs phone to say congratulations
on the day

For every crazy man out there, there's a crazy (abusive) woman too .... just like the Ex wife in this scenario.

I'm yet to find out if crazy people actually realise they are the problem.

[gttia]

I am so excited to be marrying my wonderful oh, but so anxious of the fall out that could come in the next few days.
Whatever you decide op it isn't done in haste or bitterness or you wouldn't be asking for advice on here

[Bambamrubblesmum]

We were in a similar boat when we got married. Very unstable ex. Not some myth made up to paint her in a bad light I can assure you.

DHs ex threatened suicide because we were going on holiday ex MIL said the kids would have to go into care if she did it because she wouldn't help if we went away. Said by Granny in front of two young children

It was a painful decision but we went and knew we could get back on a flight if necessary. Unsurprisingly nothing happened. But it was emotional blackmail in the extreme. If we caved in then it would have just got worse.

When it came to our wedding we eloped with some friends no family at all. We didn't want to risk it. It would put the kids in a horrible position. So if we couldn't have them then we had no family at all. My family understood. My MIL still doesn't believe my parents weren't there.

Right or wrong it was the best decision for our situation.

[gttia]

We are in exactly the same situation and with very little time to go now none of the children yet know.
We are literally on top of the day and are anxious about telling the children but more anxious about the fall out afterwards when we tell the exes. We met a long time after both our divorces but they still both cause such pain it was easier this way. I intend to leave our phones off on hm - I have no doubt we will be bombarded by one ex with horrible messages.
Good luck - sometimes the less they know the better, as long as you tell the other adult after and don't expect the children too do it xx

[Aeriefairy]

Unfortunately the dm views the fact that my dp is part of dss’ life a massive inconvenience to her and her plan was to leave my dp for her current fella and he was effectively going to replace dp as the dad. (This was confirmed by psychologists report) my dp was determined to remain part of dss life and dm cannot bring herself to be even civil so both myself and dp have serious concerns she would prevent dss attending if she knew (as she doesn’t like dss having a life with his dad/us).

[Aeriefairy]

Hi Magda72
I don’t think she’d badger us for the date, more likely she would either sit dss down after every time he’s with us to see if he knows the date or threaten to withhold contact until we tell her when the date is!
We’re going to do pretty much what you’ve suggested, talk to dss about it so he’s aware there is going to be a wedding but wait til we’ve got him for the contact weekend then tell him as soon as we have him that it’s happening. Though we may tell the dm we’ve told dss a wedding is on the cards so that dss doesn’t have the responsibility of telling his mum. It’s going to be a relatively quiet wedding anyway, not some huge blowout at the moment our guest list struggles to make 20 I just wish I knew people with kids so dss wasn’t the only child at the wedding! Dp is an only child, I don’t have any nieces or nephews yet and dss is an only child so there’s no cousins/siblings for him to sit /play with.

[Magda72]

Hi op - I'm a little confused. If you tell the dm but don't give her a date surely she'll badger you for it given her behaviour/personality? Or maybe I missed something?
Personally I would do one of two things.

1. I'd get married quietly on a contact weekend with dss present & make him feel part of it. Then I'd have my party for friends and family another weekend & dss doesn't have to be there if it's not a contact weekend.
2. I'd get married quietly first with no one there & then have a party on a contact weekend with everyone there including dss. Ex won't be able to stop his presence on a contact weekend. Dss won't mind not having been at the ceremony if no one else was at it either.

In an ideal world I'd tell dss before hand & ex too but this isn't an ideal situation so I'm afraid that while I wouldn't feel great about it I'd maybe just have a few gentle conversations with dss whereby you guys say you're thinking of getting married & have a bit of a chat about it, & then I'd just land the wedding on him. Far from ideal I know but judging by my dps ex if dss's dm gets wind of anything definite happening she'll ruin it for dss anyway & will have him all fired up by talking negatively about you getting married in front of him.
My dps kids (all teens) asked dp would we be getting married. Dp said yes that would be our intention. They then told their dm who then spent months winding them up about how if he married me they'd lose their maintenance, their access etc. & how their dad would be dumping his family (inc. her) for a new one! Luckily they're older & dp can talk to them & explain finances etc. & how none of the above is true or will happen - but a 7 year old will still take most of what their mum says at full face value & if she's negative he could get very upset. So just a word of caution there.