Stepchild at wedding?

[Aeriefairy]

Dp and i trying to decide when to get married, somewhere we both love is only available one weekend when we want to tie the knot and is so perfect but it’s a weekend when dp doesn’t have dss!
We could ask his ex to swap weekends but don’t want to tell her why...for obvious reasons. Not sure she’d agree.
Our wedding won’t have any other children there, at all, he’ll be bored and showing off to get attention (I love him to bits but he is a very big show off! We certainly don’t raise him to be that way!) Its not going to be a big wedding and we want to go on our honeymoon straight after (will be our first ever holiday together as a couple!), which also means we have to have wedding during term time so dss doesn’t miss out on half term time with his dad. Problem is if we get married during contact weekend so dss attends, dss doesn’t attend evening do as he will need to go to bed - so he misses out on time with dad, there’s also no one else who can look after him and then we go on honeymoon so he doesn’t really get to enjoy contact. In a perfect world we’d ask dss mum if she would mind dropping dss off for the wedding and collecting later on so dss gets to be part of the day but I can’t see that happening!
I’m also aware dss might have conflicting emotions about us getting married. Dss and I have a great relationship but obviously all kids would love mum and dad to be back together and one parent remarrying kind of destroys any dreams like that.
Is it really so bad to have the small quiet non-complicated non-stress wedding and not have dss there and just get on with it or am I a terrible person for even entertaining the idea! Help!!

[RavingRoo]

Marry on one of his contact days, at a registry office if you have to. Enjoy your wknd with your DP’s son and then go on a week long honey moon while the boy’s mum has him.

[RavingRoo]

A big white wedding without step kids is inappropriate.

[Wdigin2this]

Don't start down the road of not telling the DM stuff it will eventually backfire on you!

[mrssapphirebright]

had a similar dilemma when my and dh married.

We had a set date that we wanted that wasn't on a contact day - it was mid week but in a school holiday.

My dh's exw is as hostile as they come. We now have NC after a lot of police involvement and a harassment charge and injuction.

We still gave exw the chance to let dss attend, he was 6. We told him we were getting married and that we wanted him there. Exw wouldn't let him come. Yes it was very sad for him, but she looked like the bad guy, not us.

I think you have to give the ex a chance to let him attend. Its your wedding, so you do it on a date / time that suits you. I would give the chance to be reasonable then if she isn't she is the one letting her child down not you. She will find out you are married anyway. I wouldn't keep it a secret OP, the child needs to know the truth.

[Aeriefairy]

Just so everyone’s clear I’ve taken the advice on board and posted the plan on the last page!

[imtherealbummymummyotherisfake]

He has to attend. Going away won't make it any easier on him. My Dad got married abroad without me and it broke my heart. I wish he'd stood up to my Mother and put me first.

And if you don't tell her, you have to be the ones to tell her after, do not put that guilt and fear on a child. This is the kind of thing that can adversely alter your life.

[imtherealbummymummyotherisfake]

Oops didn't see plan. Sorry.

[Aeriefairy]

I’m so very grateful to everyone sharing and advising me, really am, and it’s a comfort to hear from those in similar situations with an extremely hostile ex in the mix, so thank you all

[Unihorn]

I'm glad you have a plan. I'm incredibly lucky that we all get on so my husband's ex and her new husband attended our wedding with my stepdaughter. That way we could enjoy ourselves a bit more without having to be solely responsible for her and we all had a great time. It's sad that some people can't put stupid differences aside for such important events in a parent or child's life.

[Laura2018]

I'm so glad to hear you're now not leaving your poor SS to tell his mum about the wedding! That would have been awful for him and it's really bad to teach kids to keep secrets. Glad youve got a good plan now

[LongWavyHair]

I would tell the ex and see if you can negotiate swapping weekends. Don't just assume she will say no and use that as an excuse.
IF she decides to be difficult and stop dss from going altogether then that's her doing and not yours. But at least you will be able to say that you wanted him there.

[Aeriefairy]

Unihorn you’re so lucky! God, that’s like the dream scenario isn’t it so much better for the child as well, being able to enjoy events and being able to enjoy them with both parents and bonus/step parents! Everyone getting along and the child being 100% supported all round. We don’t even know why she’s like this, it was her who left my now dp for the man she’s with now, she got what she wanted so why the aggro... ah well... mayb we’ll never achieve inviting them to the wedding but perhaps in years to come it will be civil.. or maybe I have a better chance of winning the lotto

[Catinthecorner]

I’m sorry but you aren’t raising that child, his mother is. Your partner has his child every other weekend and half the holidays? So not even half the time, and none of the daily grind around school runs, homework, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely that your partner gets to do so much of the fun time stuff with his child, but please don’t fool yourselves that your the ones doing the heavy lifting here.

[RavingRoo]

Your DP probably knows exactly why she’s being hostile. Just because she left doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything or that she’s wrong in her hostility - you just haven’t been told the full story. Every hostile ex I know has a really good reason for it and it usually boils down to abuse.

[Mama234]

I dont think it matters if you dont tell her, I mean shes an ex why does she need to know, I didnt care when my ex got married, Nothing to do with me.
Its more important hes there than her knowing and stopping him from going.

I would make sure he can come personally, I am a step mother myself, my stepchild came to my wedding.

[Aeriefairy]

Mama234 I think it’s more so dss can discuss it with his mother if he wishes rather than updating his ex on what he’s doing.
Catinthecorner my dp WAS resident parent before court order, reason my dp applied to court was because the mother refused to return dss. Dp would give anything to be able to do “heavy lifting” again this was something the ex made Damn sure he couldn’t do. She prevented him seeing dss for 9 weeks.
RavingRoo during proceedings dp and his ex were referred to a clinical psychologist. The psychologist couldn’t understand the hostility either, no abuse at all. Basically seems the mother has moved on and wanted the child to do the same!

[Aeriefairy]

Catinthecorner we hope to move closer to dss so that midweek overnights and schools runs can be done again.

[Bibidy]

I can't believe people are actually saying that NRPs don't raise the kids, only the RPs do.

That's such a disgraceful attitude and so disrespectful to the NRP, particularly when more often than not they'd love to have much more time with the children.

BOTH sets of parents are raising the children.

[SlideAway82]

I got married in April and I'm a stepmum to two girls (7 & 10). The wedding wasn't on my DH's contact weekend but we swapped as I would NEVER entertain the idea of them not being there.

Even though they're not my children, they are my family. It just seems like you are coming up with excuses as to why you don't want him there & using the mother's hostility is a good justification for you.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Just because she left doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything or that she’s wrong in her hostility - you just haven’t been told the full story. Every hostile ex I know has a really good reason for it and it usually boils down to abuse.

My DH exW before the non mol he had against her, was hostile and abandoned her DC. He didn't abuse her.

Quite a sweeping statement you are making.

[yoyoyoyoyo]

How lovely. A quiet marriage just the two of you that his son doesn’t attend. Cos he is a big show off.

I didn’t get to go my mums wedding. Nor did my sister. Because HIS daughter didn’t want them to get married because it upset her. So they told her they were getting married and we couldn’t go in case in the future she was upset she didn’t go. (Even though she didn’t want to go)

We were all adults by the way. It was so sad and weird not being at my mums wedding. She has been a lone parent all her life and it was a Saturday and she was getting married in a lovely location and I was shopping with friends. Thinking I wish I was seeing my mum get married.

Don’t leave him out. It is selfish. It is a huge mistake. It will cause problems. Marry on a Sunday if you must so he can go back to his Mum’s afterwards. Who you need to tell by the way.

God help him when you two have kids.

[LazySusan11]

Hi op, I had the same dilemma as you a few years ago, dh ex is not hostile though thank goodness.

In the end I asked dsd who was 8 at the time to be a bridesmaid and my best friends little girl so they had each other. I involved her in our day as much as possible and she stayed with me the night before and we had a girls night in. All my fears were unfounded, she looked beautiful and seeing dh so happy to have her a part of our day was lovely.

At the end of the day you are entitled to a wedding the way you choose it’s your and your df day but it’s not just about the day it’s about the life together after. Will your dss be sad or feel rejected if he’s not there?

[yoyoyoyoyo]

HAVE THE WEDDING ON A SUNDAY

Solves everything. Although being more pragmatic does too.

I imagine you already have a sexual relationship. You don’t actually have to have a big wedding night deal. Have a special night on your honeymoon.

Get married. Have a nice meal with DSS and GP. Normal lovely Sunday.
Then go on HM.

You are being precious and unreasonable. Trust me. The only thing most people have on their wedding night is a sleep or a hangover. It is exhausting

[GruffaloPants]

Have the wedding on a contact weekend.
Go on honeymoon on the Sunday night or the Monday.
Get contact formalised legally.
Involve your DSS in all the prep, just don't tell him the date if the Mum scuppering things is a problem.

[GruffaloPants]

Missed your plan. Looks good. Have a lovely day.