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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dealing with the ex

82 replies

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 14:36

I've been with my BF over a year now, we have his 2 kids (4 & 7) twice a week and it's all going great with the kids. Jealousy issues at the start which i've seen in other posts but talking them through has really helped.
The issue I have is that I just can't deal with his ex wife (well divorce finalising soon) anymore. She cheated on him, threw him out and is refusing to do anything about the marital home they have together. She can't afford it by herself but is refusing to downgrade or let him have equity. I really struggle with the fact that after being together 15 years she would to see him desolate and penniless.
She sends him abusive emails, is verbally abusive and just an all round horrible woman. One thing going for her is she puts an act in front of the kids at pick up and drop off.
Given all this I just really struggle to be civil towards her and try and avoid being at home at kid pick up/drop off which i shouldn't do. At the start I really thought that we would have an OK relationship as I will have her kids 2 days a week - is it a bad thing for both me and my bf to have nothing to do with her. The kids seem ok but its hard for me to really tell.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 17/07/2017 16:36

Your boyfriend can't have nothing to do with her, they have children.

In the grand scheme of things you are still in your honeymoon phase after only a year. You are getting half a story from a biased source.

I'd avoid being at his when the children are dropped off.

Janeismymiddlename · 17/07/2017 16:56

Why are you having the kids 2 days a week? Why are you involved in dropoff?

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 17:00

Yes maybe honeymoon period but the fact that her family including parents and sister have spoken to him regarding her awful behaviour and how happy they are for him that he's out of there makes it pretty clear that it's her with the issues.
Sometimes people are just rotten. I'm not a newbie coming in trying to cause problems!
We live together so not practical to never be in when pick up and drop off. I was just wondering how people deal with bad blood between ex's? We are never going to be one big happy group that goes on holiday together.

OP posts:

Janeismymiddlename · 17/07/2017 17:04

Even if you're in, you don't have to have anything to do with picking up or dropping off. Just keep out of the way?

DressedCrab · 17/07/2017 17:08

Your DP needs legal advice about finances and getting equity out of the house. She'll play him for a sucker as long as she can.

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 17:17

Yeah but I didn't envisage just avoiding her and keeping out of the way for the next 15 years? What about kids bdays? Sports days etc?

We've got a lawyer and sadly you can't make someone leave so it will end up in court.

OP posts:

Janeismymiddlename · 17/07/2017 17:39

You're in your house. Your partner takes the children at the door. What is the issue?

You do birthdays separately from the ex. You take the view that sports days and school stuff is for parents only and your partner updates you.

Your partner can get the police involved with abusive emails and threats. Or he can ignore it. In separation terms, it is still early days and what you tend to find with adulterers is that a) the grass really isn't greener and b) you were supposed to live in a state of perpetual flux, ready to have them back. The idea that you might get on with your life wasn't part of the deal.

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 18:02

Why shouldn't I go to sports days and school stuff? When they are with us it's not like I'm not involved, I am just as much as he is. Or is that just what you sign up to as a step parent?? Doesn't really seem fair?
Think you've hit the nail on the head and her life hasn't panned out as she thought it would!

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/07/2017 18:06

I've been a stepmum for 18 years and never went to sports day or stood at the door for handover, it wasn't my place.
DSO is adult now and we had and still have a wonderful relationship.

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 18:11

Thank you. Just trying to establish what I get involved in and what I don't x

OP posts:

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 18:15

Did you in all those years have anything to do with the kids mother?

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/07/2017 18:15

Sure, it's a learning curve and I was very lucky and privileged to watch this young woman grow up, we're such good friends now

I will add i learned pretty quickly that her mum (his ex) really wasn't a crazy bitch or mad.
Your boyfriend may well be correct the way he describes her of course but don't be blinded by love, you only have his side.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/07/2017 18:17

Sorry we cross posted, not really no, there wasn't a need to but she was always fine with me.

I've just left him for the reasons she did

swingofthings · 17/07/2017 19:12

Yes maybe honeymoon period but the fact that her family including parents and sister have spoken to him regarding her awful behaviour and how happy they are for him that he's out of there makes it pretty clear that it's her with the issues.
No it doesn't. You can only go by what he tells you and what you think her family has said. You were not there, you don't know and your OH could be telling you his side of the story and forgetting the rest.

I know for a fact that my ex told quite a story to his new partner and manage to get her to believe every word he said for a number of years until facts didn't add up any longer and she realised that he had distorted the truth to suit him.

Similarly, my OH's ex wife cheated on him, left him and then went for half of the house even though she only contributed 1/5th towards it. Still I didn't jump assuming she was a horrible person. Indeed, even though I believe her actions were wrong, I can understand to some extent what would have pushed her to behave as she did.

You've only been with your BF for a year, they have 15 years behind them. There will be a lot you don't know anything about. You are much better staying out of it.

Janeismymiddlename · 17/07/2017 22:58

Did you in all those years have anything to do with the kids mother?

Why do you think you need to? I mean, if you are going to insist on attending everything and showing up regardless of the event and who is at it, then you are going to be dealing with the ex. I have been divorced for 10 years and with the exception of the other woman (who was only daft enough to darken my doorstep once), I have yet to speak to any of my ex's partners. They are not on my radar. Why would they be? Nothing to do with me.

The1975 · 17/07/2017 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 17/07/2017 23:33

Why do you think you need to? I mean, if you are going to insist on attending everything and showing up regardless of the event and who is at it, then you are going to be dealing with the ex

I'm not saying I need to. The whole purpose of my question was asking how much contact people had with the other parent of step kids. I am not the bad person here. At the end of the day her children are with me two days a week in my house and I feed them and clothe them. I would have thought she would have wanted to know something about me or that I'm not a total nut job! And what is so wrong with wanting to go to bday parties etc??

OP posts:

Janeismymiddlename · 18/07/2017 06:13

The children are with their father two days a week. Presumably it is also his house and his responsibility to feed and clothe them?

You can't make people be interested in you. And what if she does consider you a total nut job?! she can't get rid of you. It won't change anything knowing you. She didn't choose you and can't control the fact you are in her children's lives. So why bother?

Why not have your own birthday parties?

Notreallyarsed · 18/07/2017 06:53

I speak to DS1s stepmum, mostly because it's easier to speak to her than my cunt of an XH, and because it's nice for DS1 to see us getting on. We don't go to things together though, birthday parties, sports day and stuff like that it's me and DP who do all that because XH isn't interested.

swingofthings · 18/07/2017 06:54

At the end of the day her children are with me two days a week in my house and I feed them and clothe them
Your house or your BF and your house? Feed and clothes them, or enable it with your BF's money?

If you are financing them, what is he doing? If he is financing them, why do you feel that it's your doing?

My ex got with his partner when they were 5 and 2. I didn't care to meet her because from my perspective, they were with him, not her and I trusted him to look after them.

They are now teenagers and I've only said hello to her once and that was when we passed each other in the street. I wouldn't mind meeting her now though and I think it's reciprocal. My opinion of her has changed massively in the 12 years since they've been together and I think it is the same for her.

I hope she will be there when my kids graduate from Uni and certainly at their wedding. After all this time, she's become a significant part of their lives. However, she was wise enough to know not to take over when they were little.

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 18/07/2017 07:02

It's my house and my money as all his money is going towards paying her mortgage and the child maintenance payments. Which I don't mind as it's not like he's hiding money away!

What are the acronyms DP? DS1?

TBH I don't care if I never speak to her, beginning to see that's normal from reading the comments. Just thought it would be nice for the kids as they are still so young.
What I am struggling with is while they are with me and their dad we do everything together for the kids.....but people say they are in his care and I have to step back? That part I don't understand. Surely as a mum you'd want your ex's new partner to love your kids?

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 18/07/2017 07:06

DP = partner DS1 = first son

Janeismymiddlename · 18/07/2017 07:23

Children need one to one with their parents. And no, I don't want my ex's new partner to love my kids. Treat them decently, fairly, reasonably, without jealousy. Allow them time with their father, act as a voice of reason when ex is being unreasonable about maintenance, clothes, holidays, that kind of thing. Respect that they have a mum who didn't ask for her children to be 'shared',accept that sometimes 'parents only' is ok and not about disrespecting the new family. Oh, and stop the ex buying shite birthday, Xmas and Mother's Day presents would be a huge bonus

Original poster

Londonlass81 · 18/07/2017 07:31

So no drum sets to have at their mothers house then? Damn!

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 18/07/2017 07:36

For your own wellbeing you would be well advised to step back a bit. You are not a step parent, you are the relatively new girlfriend. Your partner needs to be dealing with all hand overs etc on his own. He needs to take legal advice regarding the house and use the CMS calculator to ensure he's paying adequate maintenance.

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