Dealing with the ex

[Londonlass81]

I've been with my BF over a year now, we have his 2 kids (4 & 7) twice a week and it's all going great with the kids. Jealousy issues at the start which i've seen in other posts but talking them through has really helped.
The issue I have is that I just can't deal with his ex wife (well divorce finalising soon) anymore. She cheated on him, threw him out and is refusing to do anything about the marital home they have together. She can't afford it by herself but is refusing to downgrade or let him have equity. I really struggle with the fact that after being together 15 years she would to see him desolate and penniless.
She sends him abusive emails, is verbally abusive and just an all round horrible woman. One thing going for her is she puts an act in front of the kids at pick up and drop off.
Given all this I just really struggle to be civil towards her and try and avoid being at home at kid pick up/drop off which i shouldn't do. At the start I really thought that we would have an OK relationship as I will have her kids 2 days a week - is it a bad thing for both me and my bf to have nothing to do with her. The kids seem ok but its hard for me to really tell.

OP, I am an ex, and what I would say is keep an open mind:

Firstly, there is no such thing as "refusing to move out or give him equity," if he has a financial steak in the property then that will be decided as the consent order is drafted as part of the divorce. It's possible that your DP is bitter because she is refusing to discuss these things amicably and they are instead having to go to court which will be costing extra, but either way things will be decided. And if for any reason she is enabled to live in the house until the youngest is eighteen there will be valid reasons for that.

Secondly, have you seen these abusive emails she sends him? What is she emailing him about? Remember that the screen does not convey emotion, so a snippy email may not be intended to be that, alternatively it may be, in which case he just has to field the emails according to the ones he has to deal with, and the rest is just the ex being the ex, iyswim.

WRT the relationship with the DC, it is of course a good thing if you have a positive relationship with them. So many posts on here and elsewhere talk of the Sm's need to step back/not tread on toes/not be too involved, but to be honest I would be led predominantly by the children on this one, and if they want you involved in their lives then be involved. What I would say however is that it's understandable that the ex may have an issue with you if you were already living with her children's father at the point the children were introduced to you. That way it's happened almost as being a ready made family, and is a bit off really.

I remember when my DS met my eXH's then new partner, within weeks the ex was talking about planning a big family holiday with him, her and her DD who DS hadn't even met yet, while at the same time criticising me for spending time with my DP and DS, even though eXH had forced the introduction between DS and DP. I took a bit of a dim view of that TBH, given DS hadn't even met the DSD at that stage and suddenly they were all being branded a family. I only made my thoughts on that known once however, but I do know that since then eXH has painted me as being unreasonable, snippy, has gaslighted his DP into thinking I'm using opportunities to have a go at her when that is far from the truth. But unfortunately my DS hasn't taken to her at all and this has just fed into the notion that I must be the bitch ex (PS, I don't know for a fact I've been called a bitch, but I do know that she's been told I've had a go to him when I haven't.)

Why they are divorced is irrelevant here. Whether she had an affair or not doesn't matter. He's moved on, he's with you now, and the rest will take care of itself. You just need to let go of that element.

I didn't meet the children until 6 months in too and by then we lived together

So a father of a young child enters into a co-habiting relationship with a woman before she has even met his children? If the mother had done that there would be uproar.

Red Flag. Big one. Be careful about having children with him is al I can say.

TBH it seems you have rushed into this relationship in the space of a year you've moved in together and are seeing your dp DC regularly some at this stage would only be slowly introducing them to a new partner nm living with them. I agree you need to take a step back it sounds like you and the ex won't ever see eye to eye as you've already made a judgement based on your ex's description of her.

As for parents evening and sport day it's not necessary for you to be there.

So justtiredofcoping did you not write this in a previous post?

....As the EX - it infuriated me that the new partner wrote DCs b day cards etc, from her, EXname( never Dad) and her kids. She was pretending they were all one happy family......

Also in another post, I see you describe yourself as a single mother with two children, at no point do you mention your DSC?

Sorry post hijack over just wish the bitter Ex's would trot off back to the Lone Parenting board.

I don't understand this forum. All I asked was if anyone had any sort of relationship with the mother of their step kids

Don't worry it's not you. The step-parenting board is well known for berating step-parents obvisly from ex wives

I had a thread up over the weekend and honest to god, the abuse I got was unreal, even though it was very clear the ex in this case was totally in the wrong. Anyone who agreed with me was shot down in flames too. I recognise the tone of some posters ^ up there. Funnily enough, the favourite insult seems to be calling step-parents 'aggressive' just because you dare to correct them or stand up for yourself or your partner. You will also be called a liar and the unreasonable behaviour you witnessed from the ex-wife, with your own eyes, never happened. My thread ended up being quite amusing in the end up...

The reason for my negative posts is because I have an issue with partners who've only been in the life of their new partner for months and think that they know absolutely everything of their partner's ex and that they can judge them on that knowledge.

As said, my ex new girlfriend acted exactly like that. She believed everything my ex said and build a picture of me that suited her and then judged me on this basis. I thankfully didn't rise to it because I knew time would make her see that my ex had left out a lot of vital information to what he was telling her.

It is when his lies came to light that they broke up, 18 months after they got together. It's when I think she realised that I wasn't the person he wanted her to believe I was. They sorted their issues and they are still together, however, after that, she started to act very differently towards me.

Of course your situation might be totally different, and indeed, your partner might be perfect and his ex a complete b* but experience shows that 12 months is not a lot of time to get to know someone inside out and since you don't know her and haven't heard her side of the story, you can't be sure of their past.

This is why my advice is to just stay out of it all. Continue to be the nice person you are around the kids and don't try to overstep your position. If she doesn't want to meet you, then accept it.

And I still think that even if he is paying half of the mortgage, and maintenance, there is no reason why he shouldn't have a penny left to feed his kids, unless he gives you all his money left towards your mortgage and bills.

Hi OP, I think some of these posters are being a bit harsh and one dimensional. I am a step mum and have been for a number of years. The ex wife still refuses to speak to me but she has reluctantly acknowledged that I play a large part in her children's lives. I do attend school events, I looked after them while DH was in work, helped with homework, took them shopping for clothes etc. They are now teenagers and it would be ridiculous if I didn't attend school events etc as they would come back to the house and discuss it over dinner, and surely it is nicer for them if we can all contribute. The other aspect is that me and DH now have children of our own and clearly as their half siblings they love to see their sisters in shows etc. It is not about the ex and their feelings it is what is best for the children. Take it slowly, and be positive.

speaking as an ex wife who's ex husband has got engaged to a very overbearing partner - know your boundaries and don't try to replace the BM or expect the SKs to treat you as a 'bonus mum' (i hate that term!) You should be someone they can trust, like an aunt or godmother figure but don't try to get them to call you 'mum'!

Thanks for all your comments. Are there other forums for people in my position? Struggling with some of the posts here.

I am not a niaeve 18 year old. I have been there done that and yes I believe what he is saying to me, I have seen her emails and texts, witnessed her behaviour and had her own family say how ashamed they are of her. I just thought it might be nice for the kids to see everyone getting on but maybe that just will never happen and that's the way it has to be.

We moved in quickly as financially he had nothing and was staying on a sofa at a friends. Yes he knows how's lucky he has it too! He gives me what he can but I don't have to justify this!

Jeez now I feel I have to defend my relationship!

Anyway, I will try and be a positive person in their lives. That's all I can do. And you know what....I think I will go to the next sports day!

This forum is more stressful than my current issue!!

don't understand this forum

Its a public forum where there is free speech. What else is there to understand?

Its a public forum where there is free speech. What else is there to understand

OP was looking for some advice from other step-parents but instead had her relationship ripped apart and told she was 'aggressive' and other such nonsense from the ex-wives brigade.

You are way too focused on the ex and her behaviour. And the 'I'm going to sports day' regardless comment is madness. If you are having problems with the ex now, you will have far more after that.

You don't need to defend your relationship. You do need to consider whether you would be happy to accept your ex moving in with someone and then introducing her to your young children and the implications of that. It is, frankly, piss poor parenting. You are also very happy to slag off the ex but totally unaccepting that you too could be in the wrong. You were involved in this - who moves in with someone before ever having met his children? Seriously?

Children in difficult and acrimonious divorce situations need at least one parent not to be reacting. What you are describing is typical in my experience - you defend your partner (understandable) and aren't capable of seeing the bigger picture. The children will end up in the middle and they will eventually vote with their feet - could go either way but either way, they face a difficult relationship with one of their parents. Not ideal. The best outcome is good relationships with both sides and that will only happen if both sides sometimes compromise and do things that are perhaps counter-intuitive and put the children at the centre of all decision-making.,

Breathe. Calm down. Think very hard about your next move. You are not going to make a friend of this woman so what next?

@Dukesofhazzard

I hear you. But MN is like that. I've only been here a short while and I know that. Isn't it a bit naive to expect smiles and soothing words from everyone- when it comes to some subjects?

And also - what someone else thinks of me doesn't define who I am. Why get upset? It's just opinions,

I just think if you've no helpful advice when someone posts, why bother posting? I know the AIBU threads are awful, literally every single thread rips the OP apart. It doesn't upset me either, My AIBU thread was invaded by the ex-wives, people were telling them they were out of order and still it carried on, in the end up it was quite amusing to see the totally irrational anger from one in particular.

I personally don't have any kind of 'step-people' arrangements as I don't have a new partner and (as far as I know) ex-h doesn't either. I think u are defo NBU I don't see why people think you should lock yourself in a different room when the kids are round and have no contact with them. I think if their mother had an issue she would've spoken up by now eg by arranging contact with their dad without u contact centre or whatever. However, I think maybe if there is a sports day or something similar where there are only 2 people allowed (some schools near me only allow you to bring 2 people or having 2 people come watch you e.g. School plays/parents evening etc) then that would be the mother and father. No idea if/how much help this comment was just thought I'd help you out a bit @Londonlass81!!!!

Nobody, nor one person has suggested the Op hide away and not be involved when the children come round, other step parents have simply shared their experiences of not going to sports days and the like. At least this early in a relationship.

@Dukesofhazzard

Maybe they think they're being helpful? Different perspectives and all that? Or maybe it helps them unload their own shit. What is it that the gurus say? 'What you think of me is none of my business ' 😉

For the record I think it's lovely to have good relationships with the kids. I also think it's important not to annoy the ex wife in creating those relationships.

And I know that how my most recent XP described his ex wife to me was far from how she actually is. ( I found out later)

I expect my XP is describing me in equally lurid terms to his current partner! And I expect she is stupid enough to believe him, as I was.

Now when I encounter men who slag off their ex, I avoid them.

You say " One thing going for her is she puts an act in front of the kids at pick up and drop off."
I interpret this as she is polite during these times and the dramas are done without the children present. I think you have to grit your teeth and also be as polite and charming as you can act during these times.
I don't see that you have to have anything else to do with her but your bf definitely does. This is where you have to step aside and leave them to it.
15 years is a long time together and there is a lot of history between them besides two children to consider. Emotions are still in the raw painful stage on both sides by the sound of it.
Other posters have suggested you only have his version and this is true, this is the one where he is the innocent hero/victim and she the evil witch. No she isn't perfect but then neither is he.
If you can, listen to him but try to keep your distance on this issue as you will never know the full story and being angry on his behalf is not helping you.
You sound nice but your situation is not easy. Try to focus on the children and being like a decent aunt who cares but is not trying to push out the mother.
It's hard sharing your children with someone you have no choice about.

Take a step back and let it evolve - I think is the over riding message and do not believe everything you are told.

You care which helps but honestly there are going to be so many battles over the years you need to pick the ones that matter and sports day is not one of them.

I have worked on the mantra that I will not argue or have a disagreement with the EX in front of the kids - it is not their problem.

Tadah - I am a single mum to my 2 DCs for 4 yrs totally on my own, for the past year I have a new DP who has 2 DCs of his own. We are blending - not fully blended and we both parent our own DCS. My Ex makes no decisions but does not have contact- so yes I am still a single Mum for all decisions and parenting.

London just tried sending you a PM but it wouldn't send. Can you PM me and then I can reply to you? Just a bit of info I think you might find interesting.

Some breakups are awful, and it can turn people nasty.

My DPs Ex is a bit of a cow. I didn't realise this until a couple of years in. DP just gives in to keep the peace and she treats him like he's still her husband.

But 7 years in, I'm glad that I wasn't a cow back. So you are doing the right thing in avoiding her. Moan about her to your friends. But keep yourself on the moral high ground, as it is a long, long term commitment. Her children may well always be loyal to her too, remember that and try not to be resentful if they become a bit like this too. Don't try and be better than her, and don't try and be the better parent. Just be yourself and try and make sure that you protect your own family unit (including step kids).

But 7 years in, I'm glad that I wasn't a cow back. So you are doing the right thing in avoiding her. Moan about her to your friends. But keep yourself on the moral high ground, as it is a long, long term commitment. Her children may well always be loyal to her too, remember that and try not to be resentful if they become a bit like this too. Don't try and be better than her, and don't try and be the better parent. Just be yourself and try and make sure that you protect your own family unit (including step kids).
Very wise words!

Hi OP, I'm an EXW and a SM. I've been SM for 8 years and have never spoken a word to DH's EXW as he does pickups, dropoffs and communication. They hate each other and I refuse to throw myself into that mix.
As regards communication with DDs SM we have had to be present at one-offs like DDs communion and scouting events. We are cordial and can pass a polite conversation off for a few minutes. When it comes to parties those have never been attended by SM and they have organised their own celebration although EX still does a little drop into our family do's for DDs sake. In fact sometimes he gets a bit too settled as my family are always welcoming so I give him a bit if a prod to the front door
I think all families find their own levels they are happy with and this works for us.

yeah but I didn't envisage just avoiding her and keeping out of the way for the next 15 years? What about kids bdays? Sports days etc?

Honestly you will make it harder for yourself if you let these things get to you. It doesn't have to be for next 15 years and the one thing I have learnt is that nothing stays the same forever so flexibility and picking your battles are key to survival and mental health as a step mom.

You may never go to a sports day but it is fine, birthdays you will create your own traditions around so that will become the new norm and to be honest, when the kids become adults they will make their own plans with their own friends and expect mom and dad to fit round them anyway.

Remember she is his ex not yours and it is one thing to want to support and love him but it is not your ex to deal with - so don't.

FWIW I do not get on well with DS's dad so we keep everything separate. I get on fine with DH's Ex (don't really always like her and don't always agree with things she does but she is not my concern) - I would have no problem socialising with her and kids but DH and her are HC (and it really is both of them equally although it took me years to see it as I only heard one side) so we don't.

I have been their step mom for 13 years and the more I have kept out of the issues between DH and ex the happier I have become - my relationship with the kids is independent from both the Dad and their Mom now - I am a family member that loves them and won't take side of either of their parents, I try to just be there for them IYSWIM.