Dealing with the ex

[Londonlass81]

I've been with my BF over a year now, we have his 2 kids (4 & 7) twice a week and it's all going great with the kids. Jealousy issues at the start which i've seen in other posts but talking them through has really helped.
The issue I have is that I just can't deal with his ex wife (well divorce finalising soon) anymore. She cheated on him, threw him out and is refusing to do anything about the marital home they have together. She can't afford it by herself but is refusing to downgrade or let him have equity. I really struggle with the fact that after being together 15 years she would to see him desolate and penniless.
She sends him abusive emails, is verbally abusive and just an all round horrible woman. One thing going for her is she puts an act in front of the kids at pick up and drop off.
Given all this I just really struggle to be civil towards her and try and avoid being at home at kid pick up/drop off which i shouldn't do. At the start I really thought that we would have an OK relationship as I will have her kids 2 days a week - is it a bad thing for both me and my bf to have nothing to do with her. The kids seem ok but its hard for me to really tell.

Step back how? When they are over we all do things together with the kids. Not sure what else I'm supposed to do and why that would be a bad thing?
He deals with handovers I don't even come to the door. He does the school pick up and drop off as I'm at work. The finances are being sorted with the accountant and lawyer. It's just tricky at the moment until a deal is agreed.
I am not trying to be their mother, they have one. But I can surely show them love and do things with them without stepping on anyone's toes?

Even after 18 months I am still rarely around when OH and her ex exchange their daughter. If I happen to be in the car, that's where I stay, if it's here (rare) I'm sat inside out of the way.
I have only been her step parent for a short time, I have said from the outset I'm not going to take over only supplement and support her upbringing. We give him first notice of Parents evenings (he has declined one after the first one was "too difficult" to attend) and Christmas plays - which he said he was going to and couldn't so I went in the end after being willing to stay away.
She is with us all the time Sunday PM-Sat lunchtime week in week out, but even now I don't get in the way. I used to get out of the car round the corner and go for a walk whilst they did drop off for the first year, just to avoid making him uncomfortable or making things awkward for the daughter.

There are lots of things you can do to support and help the exchanges.

Do the DC get any time alone with their DF? Your update suggests all the right steps are in place but you need to know when to step back. It's not easy, just take it slowly.

I stay in the car too on drop offs.
Yeah we make sure they spend time 1 on 1 with their dad too.
Early days I know, just learning the ropes and boundaries.

It's all way too intense too soon. It sounds like you are always there. It also sounds like you believe everything he says to you.

Has he just moved into yours and is basically expecting you to completely parent with him?

He should be doing absolutely everything for them at this point, and you should just be involved in a few fun trips out etc.

Talking about family events and sports days over the next 15 years at this point is ridiculous, and nothing is likely to piss of the children's mum more than you coming across as if you are an extra parent.

It sounds like your boyfriend has done well for himself. You house him and pay for him and parent his children with him. This should be setting off alarm bells for you, I'd spend most of your energy protecting yourself, and not mixing up your finances at all, take your time.

You are coming across as too aggressive.

As already said:

1. You only have one side - believe me if I had done or did half the stuff it was alleged I did then I would hate myself! That includes verbally abusing the new DP whilst under anaesthetic having an operation!!!

1. You are not having them - their father is parenting them with you ( if you wish to be involved)

1. It is not about you, it is about the children - so sports day etc when the majority of kids have one DF and one DM present, sticking out andhaving to explain the "cling ons" is embarrassing for the DCs.

For a few days in the year - can the DCs not see that the two people who created them are on the same page and focussed on them and not the extras etc.

1. I seriously doubt all his monies are paying child maintenance and the mortgage.

1. Take a step back -your BF had children with this woman not once but twice - she can not be all that bad!

This is a long road - I would liked my DCS to have got on with their SM, sadly her choice that was never going to happen and she is now out of their lives. This is not about your relationship with them and their mother but about them and their parents.

How am I being aggressive?

The children love their time at our house. They have their own bedroom and we try and make it fun for them. Why should I step back? Surely it would seem odd if I didn't help out with things or said no I don't want to go with you to the park as I'm not your mother!

I think it's quite insulting to be called a cling on to be honest with you. And i disagree, why is it not about my relationship with them?

And actually if you earn 25k in Surrey and have the majority of a mortgage to pay to keep a roof over your kids head and cms payments there is not much money left!

It's my house and my money as all his money is going towards paying her mortgage and the child maintenance payments. Which I don't mind as it's not like he's hiding money away!

It's HER mortgage, it's his too as the house is still is and therefore he is paying towards an investment. If this is going to be your attitude to it, then don't expect her to want to be friendly with you.

And if you believe that that's all his money gone, well, your choice!

I can't believe someone actually referred to step parents as cling ins. Probably the rudest thing I've read on here

I don't understand this forum. All I asked was if anyone had any sort of relationship with the mother of their step kids.

I met someone who had kids and is going through a messy divorce. I believe what he says, we have a great relationship and when the children are with us they just see laughter and smiles and love. To suggest that when the kids are there I step back from normal life is just absurd and would upset the kids if I made no effort!
I think I'll just keep avoiding the mother for now. Thanks for all your comments.

You aren't coming across as aggressive at all, OP. You seem lovely.

Step mums often get a bashing here, so many bitter exes.

I think you are really trying to do all the right things and you are asking for advice which is great.
I would agree though, you're not a stepmum yet, you are dad's newish girlfriend. Of course when they come at the weekends you will have days out and join in, but talk of sports days and so on is way ahead in the future if at all.

I think it's worth telling you a bit about my story, ex moved in with me, had no money etc. told me his ex was a mad bitch and in the first flush of love I believed all that, the blinkers fell off when we had a child together (I became a 'mad bitch' too) our child together and his first have a wonderful sibling relationship and that is largely down to me I have to say, now I have left him my stepdaughter is still a huge part of my life and that will stay that way. I also believe his ex and I could be quite good friends.

Look, keep your eyes wide open, be kind to the children, have fun with them but keep in mind they were together a long time, made children together and you only know his side.

Happy women tend not to have affairs is something else to think on, not saying it never happens but as I said before, eyes wide open.
whatever the case, she needs to raise her children and they need a roof over their heads and that's something either they or the courts need to work out.

And I agree, you do sound lovely
and bitter exes often have much to be bitter about tbh though

I don't understand why bitter ex's even follow this forum if not step parents themselves. Some of the things written on here are just awful and no help at all

OP, you sound lovely and have the kids best interest at heart

*It's HER mortgage, it's his too as the house is still is and therefore he is paying towards an investment. If this is going to be your attitude to it, then don't expect her to want to be friendly with you.

And if you believe that that's all his money gone, well, your choice!*

Why are people so negative? Do you all believe that he's lying to me or he's not a decent bloke. Is it so hard to fathom that his ex is a complete bitch??

Continuing to pay a mortgage for two years after you have been asked to leave the house because your wife was having an affair with her boss is not an investment. Should I be ok with the fact that she doesn't care if he's totally desolate as long as she gets her bills paid? I know exactly what money is coming in and what is going out he's not lying to me.

How would people expect me to react when a 4 year old comes in for a cuddle or asks me to read a book to them. How can I have that side but then people say step back and let the parents deal with everything. You can't just pick and choose or detach yourself.

Thank you to the last posters. I read that after my last ranting message. I really just after some advice on how to deal with this. I know I'm not their step mum but I am involved in their lives x

Calling a stepmother a "cling-on" is totally unjustified and that sort of mentality sums up everything that many of us stepmothers are faced with from their DP's ex's, so yep well done on that comment.

To be honest London, ignore the negative comments here, it sounds like you are doing a great job, and it is lovely that you actually want to be involved. I don't get on with my DP's ex but shock horror......I go to sports days. Why do I go? Because my DSC want me to go, I want to go and my DP wants me to go. We are civil, say "hi" to each other through gritted teeth and thats all that needs to be said and done.

Thank you x

London My husband's ex is a nightmare as well - in different ways. Of course you should go to sports days etc... you are part of the children's family and they are part of yours. You and your partner are a team so when there are events to go to and you are available then you should definitely go.

The way I deal with things is I just carry on my life as if she wasn't there. I pick up/drop off, I go to school events/dance events etc but I just don't engage with her anymore. I used to try and smile and say hello but she's so stuck up her own arse to even pretend to be friendly in front of my DSD, I don't bother anymore.

You are doing a good job :)

Bluebell thank you so much for your post.

I always said that me and my bf are a team and we should be able to do things with the children together. The comments I was receiving yesterday made me really question everything that I was doing.

I feel much better after reading yours and some of the other posts this afternoon. The kids are happy and love spending time with us, we must be doing something right!

London I have made a few comments on this thread, but the best piece of advice I can give you is to put yourself in the children's shoes.
So, going forward if you feel they may feel awkward with you and their mum somewhere you step back, they may need to speak to their dad about their feelings sometimes over the weekends they come to your house so be alert to that and give them space to do so freely.
Just let the relationship evolve naturally, I would argue that you and your boyfriend may indeed be a team but after just a year you are not family, not by a long way. You are dad's girlfriend and hopefully it will all work out but take it slowly.

It can be a very rewarding and special relationship but there is no rush, I didn't even meet my gorgeous DSD for the first 6 months because I wanted to be certain me and her dad were for the long term.

You clearly want to get it right and that's fantastic, good luck!

You are jumping down everyones comments - that is aggression.

Luxurywoman just summed it up - put yourself in your DSCs shoes - this is about them after all.

For the naysayers - I am an SM to a 14 yr old stroppy rude manipulative DSD who on occasions is absolutely lovely and in her rare moments admits she is hard work! My 11 yr old DSS is very much hands off you are not my Mum ( he adores his Mum as he should) so we have worked out I am the aunt - it works for him but rules in this house go across all kids and do not waiver - they both finally get it and so does their Disney Dad. It is hard work.

Thanks LuxuyWoman - I didn't meet the children until 6 months in too and by then we lived together so all they know from our relationship is coming over to our place and having me around with their dad. My bf wants me to be involved, but also appreciates its a big adjustment for me. I swear life was easier with just a dog!

Will take your point about how they feel and the awkwardness in mind for the future. I don't think it would be now as they are still so young and innocent - asking questions like why we cant all go on holiday together etc. But in the future they will understand it more clearly. Which if they ask me anything about why their parents split I will keep my mouth shut and defer to their dad!

You know, as I said my DSD is adult now and I've known her since she was tiny but I have long said that should she get married or have another big occasion (30th birthday in a few years) and she felt too awkward to invite me, I would understand, really I would. I do think I would be invited by now tbh but would never push it or get upset if not. I'd just hold a separate dinner or something to celebrate on another date.

I really hope it al works out, you have your head screwed on by the sound of it, the fact you are asking advice I brilliant. Just take it slow.

You sound a lovely step mum there's a lot of projection on here I can only assume from bitter ex's which is a shame. Keep doing what you are doing it's lovely you want to be involved and go to events, I wish my step mum had been a bit more like you