Dealing with the ex

[Londonlass81]

I've been with my BF over a year now, we have his 2 kids (4 & 7) twice a week and it's all going great with the kids. Jealousy issues at the start which i've seen in other posts but talking them through has really helped.
The issue I have is that I just can't deal with his ex wife (well divorce finalising soon) anymore. She cheated on him, threw him out and is refusing to do anything about the marital home they have together. She can't afford it by herself but is refusing to downgrade or let him have equity. I really struggle with the fact that after being together 15 years she would to see him desolate and penniless.
She sends him abusive emails, is verbally abusive and just an all round horrible woman. One thing going for her is she puts an act in front of the kids at pick up and drop off.
Given all this I just really struggle to be civil towards her and try and avoid being at home at kid pick up/drop off which i shouldn't do. At the start I really thought that we would have an OK relationship as I will have her kids 2 days a week - is it a bad thing for both me and my bf to have nothing to do with her. The kids seem ok but its hard for me to really tell.

London, a number of times over the years I've felt its a shame that the ExW doesnt want to have anything to do with me but I've come to terms with it. I've also heard on a number of occasions that she's been brutally slagging me off to my stepchildren so it's really no skin off my nose if she chooses to ignore me or want to be my best buddy. I on the other hand have never passed comment on her in front of the children.

Ultimately, as a step mum, you are expected to love and nurture your stepchildren, but be told to back off by everyone on here who fancies having a dig on a bad day. You are also expected to have the patience of a saint for changes in arrangements last minute, for children who can sometimes be testing but aren't yours that you don't have unconditional love for. You are also probably expected to be as supportive as you can of giving them a lovely 2nd home, with all the home comforts that a woman will probably have the eye to spot that perhaps a man wouldn't, potentially you will feel obliged to help out your partner occasionally with childcare or in my case, cooking and shopping at the weekends so that they can spend their rare quality time together at the park or with friends and not waste it grocery shopping. And you may also, like me want to be financially supportive of your partner and step children on your time. that's above and beyond the call of duty but a lot of grown adults will do that if they have the resources to do so..

But woe betide you to ever have an opinion, push back on disney dad parenting, ask to be involved with something, encroach on any of the fun stuff or believe it or not appear critical towards the mother or child on the stepmums forum. The mother will undoubtedly accuse you on here of hating your step child even though you've asked for advice in support of your partner (afterall, this is called mumsnet for a reason, don't get a lot of dads on here)

So take the negative posts on here with a massive pinch of salt. As for the ongoing balance, its a tricky one. Over time you'll get into a natural pattern where the kids will tell you what they want you to get involved in and then its an easy solution. "DS1 wanted me to go so I'm going to make him happy" Any adult politics after that will be pretty pointless.

I feel your pain, but the best thing you can do in this situation is not to interfere. I am on to divorce and already thinking about child custody ( rightlawyers.com/legal-custody-physical-custody/ ), seems like his ex is just like me feeling stressful, annoyed and even depressed with the fact she will have to bring up kids almost alone, it is a huge emotional load.

I'm in a similar situation, Londonlass- but my DP's ex's nasty behaviour unfortunately extends to me as well. In the two occasions where I've had to be around at the same time as her she's been really quite aggressive towards me in front of the (small) children, and her anger against him (and me) doesn't seem to be cooling after nearly two years (I wasn't around when they split).

I've accepted that I might always have to be out/hide around the corner for pick-ups and drop-offs, and that I might never be invited to significant events in their lives. It will be quite some time before the children are old enough to notice/care, so I guess if they ever do voice an opinion on the situation we'll have to review it at the time.

It's sad that we can't be at least friendly, but the much bigger issue is that she can't bring herself to be friendly towards my DP so I'll stand down!

Totally agree with Dollyparton3- sensible words.

Unfortunately stepmums on mumsnet seem to get a bashing and whatever we say often gets picked on and criticism flies freely. Being a stepmum is really challenging and dealing with a difficult ex is so hard. My advice - minimal contact, stay polite, never say a bad word about mum in front of kids or talk about divorce/finances etc, be the bigger person, don't expect to have a relationship with her. Don't beat yourself up that you can't be friends.

There are always two sides to things of course. I think a lot of people on here think all ex husbands are horrible mean dicks and by default really dislike their new partners- Yes there are lots of horrible ex husbands who don't take responsibility and get away with paying very little. Unfortunately those ones give the good dads a bad name. There are also lots of ex wifes who are provided for more than fairly and still manage to be horrible and entitled. It's a very hard and emotional place to be but stay close to your dp and keep communicating

My ex and his partner went to sports day. I was there to. I was hurt and upset not about them etc but that he thought it would be ok to have her there.
We don't get on, he's bee funny with me since finding out I have a partner (we have been together nearly a year now). With that he has stopped paying CM and doesn't not communicate with me. So his girlfriend tries to do the sorting the kids then there is miscommunication.

He also wouldn't come to our eldest childs gcse parents evening he asked her to get him some time slots different to mine coz he didn't want to go with me tbh.

His girlfriend also now wants to take my eldest shopping for her bday (oct) this is something that she told her as we was out shopping with my 2nd daughter for her bday.

She's amazing with the younger children, but steps to closly to my role with the older children, it's a tradiation that we always go shopping on their birthdays so for her to try and step in is really annoying .

They have been together nearly 2 years but the first year neither of them had a relationship with the children so really she's only know them a year.

Iv bee with my partner a year. I wouldn't yet want to go to sports day, school meetings, parents evening etc.

I have it from both sides and to me I think after a year it's too early to be doing sports day school stuff etc.
My advive would be take a step back.

I was a sort-of SM (lived together but not married). With the now-ex DP 7 years, lived together 4. DSS lived with us for most of those 4 years and was with his DF a lot of the time before that.

The DM was officially the resident parent (if that's what it is still called?) but she simply wasn't around for DSS, and always put her own relationships first. For a whole year she refused to have him stay with her because her then-DP didn't like DSS, then she split with him and couldn't have DSS to stay with her because she had nowhere to live (was still living in house with her ex) and then she moved in with a new DP in a caravan and couldn't have DSS to stay because there wasn't space....etc etc.

So, we had him most of the time. But I never had any relationship with her because I could not respect a woman who behaved like that (and it turns out I also cannot respect a man who allows/facilities that and behaves the way he did as a result).

When she came to see him I would just go upstairs and read. I did refuse to allow DP to agree to her staying in our house with DSS one time because we were going away for two nights (DP birthday) and she was due to have DSS and said she had nowhere to stay (he paid £500pm maintenance, I suggested she get a hotel for the two nights in 12m she might actually spend with her child). But mainly I just left them to it.

At the beginning DP was all 'let's go round to DSS DM and have a cup of tea and play happy families' but I didn't like that. I never stopped him doing it but wouldn't go. If we stopped there on the way to somewhere I'd wait in the car.

She almost never went to his parents' evenings, sports days, plays, scouts things etc. I would go to the less important things ONLY if she wasn't going (plays and scouts, never parents' evening, that just isn't right).

What she always did want though was him with her Christmas Day. So she could post photos on Facebook of all the presents she bought him. So, come Xmas Eve, as soon as it hit....ooh, about 6pm (when the shops had shut) she would pick him up, then Boxing day she would be so so sad that we didn't collect him until 9am.

I found her very difficult to understand so I didn't try. DSS once said to me "I'm sorry that my mum doesn't care about me" (apologising to me, I can't recall why, it was half-joking).

I never made things difficult between them but I kept out of her way. I was cross one time on his birthday she turned up with a load of presents and I didn't know she was coming and DP let her in the living room with DSS and I was there and couldn't leave without looking rude. DSS was thrilled with his presents - not. All she ever bought him was designer clothes. He liked them more than other clothes (and refused to wear anything we ever bought him) but I don't think he considered it a 'present' (and neither did we!).

I think DP would have preferred if everyone just all got along but he brushed aside her bad behaviour and the effect it had on me (me who provided the home, worked f/t, looked after DSS while he was away for work, did all the organising etc etc) because he has zero empathy.

Funnily enough, now I am away from him (though I am still in the joint home, just taking a while to get move sorted!) I can see that actually they are very similar. He is also neglectful of his DS, just in different ways. They actually suit each other so I would say to the OP - look carefully at your DP and his ex. And don't believe what he tells you (he now tells people the same things about me that he did about her).

*@Londonlass81
*
Is it so hard to fathom that his ex is a complete bitch??

Thing is, all exes are mad / bitches / crazy. My partners ex was (injunction), my ex's ex was, my ex was - and he told his new partner that I was too.

Truth is that there are nearly always faults on both sides. It's rare that one person is purely evil and the other is pure as the driven snow!

We both have children from previous relationships. I attend school functions with DC's dad (my ex) and my partner attends school functions with his ex - the children's mother.

Everyone is different, but I feel for us it's the right choice. I'm not their mum, and they don't care about me not being there really. Sure they'd quite like it but it's no big deal. I could muscle in and demand to go as my OH's partner and their stepmum - but that would be for my own benefit and would just make things awkward for the kids, their mum and my OH.

We do plenty of things together as a family, but for me, it makes sense to let their mum and dad do the school things together.

For what it's worth, we do birthdays that way too. Me and my ex do meals out for our dc's, and my OH and his ex do the same.

We are lucky enough to all get on ok - but as you don't like her anyway, see it as a bonus that you don't have to see her at these events.