Step mum or 2nd mum

[PenguinDi]

What do you go by?

Personally I hate the name step mother, I prefer 2nd mum.

Wow wasn't expecting such a debate.

When I say '2nd mum' I mean it as a term of respect, I have no wish to cause disrespect to the birth mother. IF my DSD wanted to call me anything other than my given name then I would prefer 2nd mum as it's below her birth mother (being second), and it doesn't sound like a Disney villain. BUT if she just wanted to call me by my name then that is just fine.

I think that having 2 maternal figures in a child's life cannot be a bad thing, just because you are a step parent does not mean you can't be a parent to them, you can't be there for them when the birth parent can't or the child doesn't want to confide in.

I call my best friends mum my '2nd mum' as a term of endearment and respect for all the help and support she has given to me over the years.

You call your friends mum 2mum by choice not influenced or suggested to do so. I would be incadence with anger if my ex's wife took it upon herself to try encourage my DS to call her mum2. I carry him for 9months and give birth to him, I also spent the majority of the time raising him on my own. so I'm sure as hell wouldn't appreciate another woman being referred as my child's mother. Your a step mom it doesn't mean it's a Disney villain but the same token your dp ex didn't choose you to be part of her child's life you are because your with her ex. There's a boundary and element of respect for the mother than you are a role model for their child but you are defined as step mom. The child has two parents and additional step parents.

I did say it would be the child's decision and the term is NOT deemed to to offensive or derogatory to the mother, but used with affection.

I am sorry if a simple question caused so much offence to the greater MN community.

just because you are a step parent does not mean you can't be a parent to them,

Yes, you can be a step parent, that's why the title is "step parent".

You're not a second mum. You're a step mum. The title is an accurate description of your role in the child's life. Why do you need to be known as something other than what you are?

It's wrong to call your step child's mother her birth mother as well. That's a term used about a mother who gave birth but is no longer the child's mother - usually when they've then been adopted.

Why would you even meantion it then op? It's you that has the issue with the term step mom but that is what you are to the child. You should not in anyway influence her in what she calls you. Bio mom is degratory and offensive when used in this context given the mother is RP and very much in her dd life, your mummy2 is as equally offensive as a woman calling her partner daddy Paul for example it should just be Paul.

We are giving honest feedback as mothers and most likely an accurate opinion on what your DSD mother would feel about the situation.

I've never heard the term 2nd mum. If I heard it I'd assume that the first mum had died. It wouldn't occur to me for it to mean they had two mums at once.

My DSC call me by my name, which feels completely natural. If they're introducing me to someone they'll refer to me as their stepmum which is well understood. Why would you need any other term?

I moved away from where my mum lives at 20 and for the last 10 years have been calling my Aunty my 2nd Mum, as she lives close to me and helps me out with all sorts of stuff when my mum is too far away to help. Pretty much what a step mother often does when mum isnt around. My mum actually loves the fact that i have such a close relationship with my Aunty (on my dads side of the family) she loves that someone cares enough for me to be there when she isnt. My mum didnt choose my Aunty but she appreciates that we have the relationship that we do.

My best friend also used to call my mum his 2nd mum.

Like you Penguin I hated the name step mother when i first became a step parent. Too many wicked Disney movies for my liking. Ive slowly come to terms with it over the years, its what i am and now im proud of it. DSD calls me by my first name. She has tried calling me mum over the years when she has missed her mum and wants to have that closeness with me seeing as her mum isnt there at the time and ive always gently discouraged it.

Your Step Children will choose what they call you over time. Unfortunately Ive noticed on mumsnet that the majority of mothers take massive offence at the idea of their children calling someone else mum. Ive never met anyone in real life with that opinion though.

I often wish we had more vocabulary to choose from when describing stepmothers. For some having the word mother in there isn't descriptive or appropriate in terms of the relationship and for others it is.

My two dsc started calling me mum when they were very little but I gently encouraged them to use my name the when DC1 came along they started calling me other mother but that lasted only until the saw the movie Coraline and were terrified. They finally settled on smum as a shortened form of stepmum. DC1 now also calls me smum and I don't stop him or correct him because it's not about me. He wants to call me what his half-siblings call me. It makes him feel closer to them, so fine. I have 4 kids who all feel like a bonded loved set of siblings. It really isn't about me or the DSCs mum, it's about them.

Unfortunately Ive noticed on mumsnet that the majority of mothers take massive offence at the idea of their children calling someone else mum. Ive never met anyone in real life with that opinion though.

Do you have children?

Also, your situation with your aunt is in no way comparable to that of a step child/step parent scenario.

The correct (legal) term if you are married to their father is 'step mother'
Dosnt make it any easier for their real mother to swallow.
I'd prefer my own dc to refer to her as that bitch our dad married

I have to agree that a lot of MN users are predisposed to getting offended over a lot of things.

The role of stepmother is a thankless task and a majority of the time the stepmothers concerned wouldn't choose the position - but have fallen in love with the child's father.

(Backs for cover & waits for over used onslaught of 'knowing what you were getting into'. Utter tosh. Nobody knows what it's like until you are living it).

My SD calls me Smummy, which is really sweet of her, she enjoys her one to one time with me snuggling on the sofa watching movies. The Sboys call me by my name.

I know plenty of women in real life who in real life would be hurt if there child's stepmother encouraged them to call them
Mother. I don't get all this step mothers do so much I don't see it personally. My DS stepmother doesn't do a lot she sees him twice week and often does her own thing, it's his dad who picks him up from school,takes him out. My dh DS step dad do so much because he sees him 5 days a week yet he doesn't need to be constantly praised for his input into DS life he just gets on with it and DS is one of the DC.

I use that bitch my dad married and I'm 37!

My SS calls me by my name or "dads girlfriend" - he's often been mistaken as my son and we just laugh it off and get on with it - I have three children soon to be a fourth with his dad. It doesn't matter how long my SS has been in my life, how many children I have with his dad, I'll never ever be his "second mum". I love him as he is my own, treat him as my own. But in no way would I ever cross that line x

Just curious - why is there pretty much universal hatred of 'second wives' or step mothers on MN?

If the second wife was 'the other woman' then I'd understand it. But there seems to be an awful lot of disparaging remarks about second wives and stepmums. And many of them don't even want to be playing 'Pseudo parent' duties and detest it.

Just making the point. Seems very inbalanced.

My step daughter calls me her evil step mother or by my name. I would not want to be called her second mum, I'm not her mum and she has a mum.

Blueisthecolour - exactly my point. I think there is a proportion of deluded mums on here who actually believe that 'stepmums' want to play mum to their children when speaking of myself and my friends in my position - nothing could be further from the truth....

My DH his my girls 'Papa'. He is their stepdad.

I see no issue in this as he is one of their caregivers whether he is biologically related to them or not! Same goes for if their -idiot of a- father ever met anyone else.

My DH gets called by his name. Technically he is their SD but my two are adults and have been since the start of our relationship. He wouldn't want to be called dad in any form as they have their own dad. He's just John (that's not his name obvs)

User, I suspect it's because some second wives make it impossible for the narrative of "he's such a bastard" to carry on because another woman is now happily married to him. The most angry EXW that I know find it galling and even threatening that her EXH is now playing happy families with another woman and worse yet with her kids. What she fails to see is that most stepmums are clinging to their copy of stepmonster with both hands just trying to make it work. They don't see themselves as "claiming" anyone else's children they are trying to make their family work.

People are so bloody weird with the mum title. Like the kids are objects to be claimed or something. They are MINE and ONLY MINE.

It's just a word, honestly

SD calls me by name, I'm not a very mumsy person. I describe her as SD in conversation as it's marginally quicker to say than "other half's daughter". No other motive. Mum2 seems a bit unnatural to say in normal conversation but I get where you're coming from, I have a lovely lady at work who I refer to as my second mum.

I am called by my name and refer to dss as step son. He called me half mum the other day and I explained he had his own mum and I am step mum but I care for him very much.

His mum makes him call her husband dad though. So inappropriate and feel bad for dh.

I don't give a flying fuck what my stepkids call me.

I know dh hates it that his exw OM -yes, it was her that had the affair and kicked her husband out for an updated version, i was not the OW- is called dad or stepdad.

It seems "mum" is a protected title. Even if mum is not in the picture, a stepmum is not allowed to take on a parenting role. Men, however, the opposite.