Step mum or 2nd mum

[PenguinDi]

What do you go by?

Personally I hate the name step mother, I prefer 2nd mum.

I say I'm DSD's stepmum, but I sometimes refer to her as my daughter because it's easier. She's 5, I've known her since she was 1 and she hasn't had any contact with her mum since she was 3 (her mum's choice).

I used to correct her when she called me Mummy, but now I have a baby I don't, because I think it would be cruel to say "I'm X's mummy, but not yours" when her real mum doesn't see her.

My step son calls me mum and sees me as his mum. He has been living with my partner (his dad) and I full time for almost a year now as his mother had a very bad drink issue and went through a 3 month period where it wasn't safe for him to be with her. She unfortunately drank herself to death a few months back and passed away. Although my "son" is only just six he understands he has mummy in the sky and mummy me and I believe seeing me as a mother figure has helped him get through this. X

All of the responses from mothers on their high horse who have never had to endure the difficulties of being a stepmum. We try our very best to be a good role model for the children and to complement their family situation, only for the MOTHER to exercise her own insecurities via her children. I hope you are called whatever name it is you prefer, you deserve the respect for the difficult situation you are in.

I prefer 2nd mum
No, just no.

Why don't you wait and see what they would prefer to call you?

Lots of mothers are also stepmothers STEPMUM2Be, it's not an either or situation. Plenty have experience of both. Also, not all stepmothers try their best to be a good role model and complement the family situation, just like not all mothers or fathers or step fathers do because they're all different.

IF my DSD wanted to call me anything other than my given name
If she wants to call you anything else, she will and it will be what she chooses.

Please don't mention to your DSD anything about what she should call you or refer to you as.

This is hard enough for her already without this added pressure.

I've never heard the term 2nd mum
I used to use it to refer to my best friend's mum as in they were my second family because I spent more of my free time there than I did at home.

Equally her parents referred to us as Daughter1 and Daughter2.

It was all meant in a jokey and fun kind of way.

BandeauSally - I agree not all, but I would hazard a guess that the women on here who are quoting the "I gave birth to the child blah blah" have never been a step mum themselves or they wouldn't make such statements.

Oh stop being silly step

I am the one and only mother my child will ever have and any crazy cunt trying to overstep that boundary would be knocked back so fast and hard, she'd want to pull her own eyeballs out before trying to fuck with my kid or me again.

You are not and will never be the mother. You're partner to someone with a kid. No more. It's deranged and psycho to try and appropriate someone else's kid as your own. It's abusive and confusing to the child and extremely offensive to the mother.

There's only two ways to be a mother; give birth or adopt. That's it. Anything else and you're nothing.

Hildaog 'Anything else and you're nothing'

Erm. No. You deserve respect manners and courtesy as an adult in the home in which your partners /husband's children visit. Often this doesn't happen fuelled by hostility from mum. Which then makes the SM role even worse.

You think stepmums WANT to be in this situation, pseudo parenting to a child that's not theirs and they have no desire to 'parent'? (often including significant detrimental financial and emotional impact?)

I agree with the sentiment of your post. I would never consider my DH's children to be anything other than the children he had with his ex wife. But to say we are nothing is nonsense. We reluctantly are part of that child's upbringing (depending on how much residency etc) whether we like it or not. As for parenting 'decisions' - not interested. You will find a lot of SM's feel this way.

HildaOg - whilst I agree with the sentiment of your post - you sound somewhat aggressive and intimidating in your post - any wonder SM's and Mum's have tension with attitudes like this.... c- bombing and pulling eyes out? Wow.

You think stepmums WANT to be in this situation, pseudo parenting to a child that's not theirs and they have no desire to 'parent'? (often including significant detrimental financial and emotional impact?)

I'm confused, you were forced into a relationship with their dad? You had no choice?
More like you wanted the man and couldn't be arsed with his kids so you grudgingly tolerate them because you want their dad but not them.

They have a mother.

I'm known by first name, or as 'my wicked stepmother' - meant in a loving way!

Of course I wasn't forced... I met my husband in full knowledge of his situation.. But in an ideal world nobody chooses this situation. Why on earth would they? Ever heard anyone say 'I've met a fabulous man (or woman) and what makes it even better is that he has kids from
his previous relationship. Yey!'. No. You don't.

This 'he had kids when you met him' line is overused particularly on this site.

My second point is that hostility fuelled by Mum (as HildaOg articulates) makes the situation ten times worse. If you're the OW, expect a bit of backlash yes. But if SM isn't the OW why the vindictive poison when 80% of the time the SM has no wish or desire to 'step on your parenting toes' and just wants to be happy with her partner?

But he did have kids when you met him, the fact that they're an inconvenience to you doesn't change that. You just want to be happy with your partner, his kids want/deserve to see their dad without resentment.

I also disagree with Hilda's aggression, that's not helpful either, but you had a right go at her for being out of order when your attitude is by far more shocking.

But you don't know my situation? We are all a product of our environment. I tried for many years to engage with my husband's children, and for a couple of years we all got along ok. I was careful to never to overstep 'parent' boundaries and be a good 'adult' in their lives. All I've had (and DH) in return for the last few years (and since their Mum's relationships all seem to go downhill) is rejection, nastiness, hostility, lies, spying for Mum, intentionally injuring my pets, stealing expensive items from me... the list is endless.

So yes I have stayed with DH 'despite' his children. They treat him poorly too. I would and have never retaliated - I have simply withdrawn which is the adult and appropriate thing to do. They are by far old enough to understand the consequences of their actions.

I hope my situation is unique but the rose tinted spectacles of being involved in the lives of children that aren't yours is often fraught with hostility.

SaorAlbaGuBrath - are you a stepmother?

There's only two ways to be a mother; give birth or adopt. That's it. Anything else and you're nothing.

Wow.

⬆️ This.

Yes I am a step mother, I'm also a mum of 3 and my eldest has a step mother who was great at first, we got on really well. Since she actually married XH she's made it clear that my son is an inconvenience and that hurts him, a lot.
Being a stepmum is hard bloody work. Nobody is denying that, but you cannot dismiss his kids, no matter what. It just isn't an option.

Ok - do you understand the emotions involved. Explain how then, when you as repeatedly for years subjected to 'hostile and negative' (most all encompassing adjectives) attitudes and treated with utter contempt by stepchildren - how can you just go along with it? Little children - yes understandable.

But teenage children who USED to get on with you until their Mum told them not to speak to you anymore? Because Mum was consumed with anger and aggression that her relationships end in tatters (These are facts as confirmed by the stepchildren).

I have more self worth than to continue to allow myself to be treated like dirt. Even my husband who has done all he can to establish why his children behave the way they do has accepted that he is fighting a losing battle.

So yes, of course I feel resentful of them. Show me a human being who wouldn't?

Patronising much? Yes I do understand, in fact we've been to hell and back with my DSDs behaviour, their mother's behaviour and neglect, the social services interventions which favoured the mother despite us jumping through every hoop they put in front of us, the stress and worry, the fact my youngest was born early because of all of it. So yes, I fully understand what it's like to repeatedly have your life turned upside down on a whim by stepchildren and their mother. I just choose not to take it out on the kids.

I have a good relationship with my partner's child (hereafter DSS), in fact I'd say it gets better as time goes on.

I do not feel like a mother to him. Of course at times I have to be a responsible adult figure towards him, eg looking after him if DP is occupied, telling him not to leave his shoes in the middle of the floor, taking responsibility for him if we're out and about together. But I don't feel like a mother figure, more like a sort of aunt or older friend.

As to what we call each other, well we just use each others names. On here, and when referencing him in RL to someone who doesn't know him I call him DSS or 'my stepson'. It's just so much easier, and I think 'my partner's child sounds rather cold.

My DSDs are teenagers btw. One in trouble with the law, one with severe learning difficulties manipulated and neglected by her mother. Because they are DPs DSDs too not his biological kids, we don't have the option of stepping in, we are nobody according to the law and social work, but he is the only dad they've ever known and they need him.