Step mum or 2nd mum

[PenguinDi]

What do you go by?

Personally I hate the name step mother, I prefer 2nd mum.

SaorAlbaGuBrath - well you are a far better person than me then.

Because when a child reaches a certain age they become responsible -in part- for their own decisions and behaviour.

I am not willing to put up with the corrosive behaviour on my life and the subsequent impact on my health and that of my unborn child after years of trying to accommodate their behaviour and excuse their actions.

So well done, but not for me.

Your situation is different especially in respect of your stepchild with learning difficulties and I can't imagine how hard that must be.

But for my situation - disengagement is the only way to protect myself.

Yes they do become responsible, but you have to consider the impact of manipulation and just how damaging it is to young minds. I'm not saying I sat quietly like some kind of Mary Poppins throughout, and if they crossed a line they were told firmly that it wasn't ok, the same rules apply to all the kids in our house (manners, kindness, respect for each other and their space/toys/stuff). Lord knows life would be a billion times easier if he didn't already have them, but he does and I can't change that. Nor should I.

And that's exactly what I'm talking about. When basic 'respect' for another human being (irrespective of role) within the house is repeatedly ignored. No manners, no respect for belongings, theft, out and out incivility, threats, spying on personal belongings, listening in to phonecalls, stealing jewellery, kicking pets, all challenged and ignored, and then treated with contempt... there is a time to say 'enough' and protect yourself. And I reached that point a while ago.

SaorAlbaGuBrath - we're going to have to agree to disagree as we're taking over the thread so let's leave it here?

fair enough user

I have a good relationship with my stepdad - I will get him a fathers' day card and gift etc. However, he will always be referred to as either 'my step dad' or his forename. He's not my 2nd dad. I find that term (or 2nd mum) really disturbing, although I can't quite say why.

I too find the term 2nd mum very disturbing. OP you are not. it's weird

My sister is known as Mum to her step daughter. Her mother is very much in the picture and doesn't seem to mind. It came from the step daughter's mouth when she was about 11 and carried on.

I'm known as an affectionate nickname by my step son (imagine "kiki" or "RoRo"), that my siblings and nieces/nephews also call me. I can't imagine him ever calling me Mum, and I'm not sure I'd want him to. It isn't that I don't think of him as a son, because I love him to death, but because of our personal situation it wouldn't be appropriate.

Doesn't it just depend on what the kids feel happiest with?

Step mum or fathers partner. No way would I call my step mum my second mum because if my mum heard me she'd make it a massive drama and cry. I also don't like my step mum so...

Although I just call her Rachel

2nd mum??????

Wonder what those kids call you behind your back? Cause I'll bet it's not this.

DS1 (almost 18) calls me Mum, Mama2 or my first name depending on how he is feeling. His Mum died when he was a toddler and I've been in his life in a mother/step-mother role since he was 7.

My twin girls are 14. They call DH Pop or by his first name, again depending on how they are feeling. They call their father's wife by her first name. A few years back ex tried to tell them to call her Mum as well (only fair apparently as they call DH Pop), but they refused as she isn't a Mum role to them. DD isn't even allowed in their house unless ex is there as his wife won't learn how to give her epi-pen and she won't have DD there unless there is an adult trained to use it.

All of the names were chosen by the children.

I have a good relationship with my stepdad. But he is my stepdad, I calm him by his name.
Anything else is odd

I’m called ‘aunt...’ Im not their mother,and I don’t encourage them to use step mum. Their mother tells them to call me ‘bitch...’. She also refers to me as ‘psycho bitch’ and her ex husband as ‘ass hole’. Not nice words, but all she’s really doing is projecting words like psycho bitch on to others, that actually reflect and describe who she is. The kids have to completely blank me according to her. She’s threatened and intimidated by me, hence her behaviour. But I don’t say anything bad about the mother to the kids. The kids deep down know what kind of mother she is and what type of person I am. They learn from watching.

My step daughter just calls me mum, and have done for approx 4 years.

Her mum knows, she’s not happy about it but no one has ever asked her to call me mum, she does it off her own back.

I know she calls me by my real name at home but mum when she’s with us to please her mum.

We have spoken to her and said she can call by my real name or anything that she wants and she said she’s happy with mum.

My partner’s daughter started to call me Mum when she was very little-around 1. We gently steered her away from it and she eventually found a nickname for me (another childish form of name like Eli has described above) Now all my partner’s family call me by the nickname which is a bit surreal for me sometimes. (But not as surreal as being called Mum by a baby putting her arms up to me!!)
My partner’s daughter is happy. The nickname gives us a little special connection and avoids the stress for her Mum of her daughter also calling me Mum.

Mine have always called me by my name, they refer to me as thier step mum when they talk about me to other people.

their stepdad insisted they called him daddy and referred to DH by his first name, this went on for years and upset DH as well as DSD (DSS was a bit too young to get the meaning) luckily they are no longer together!